Although he has been practicing counseling for over 25 years, he has had his own ride of healing with tragedy. Just like me, he received a phone call that would change his life. Although much older, he was in his late 40's and received a call that his Mother and Father had been in a car accident, they were hit by a drunk driver. His Mother, who was in her mid 70's died on the spot and his Father was severely injured. He became a paraplegic. He died last year. 3 days later his Wife's Father died. Again he assures me he is not "comparing" our situations but there are some relating factors and shock that we both dealt with.
I think the biggest thing I got out of today's session was that I will never be the person I was on April 6th of 2008 ever again. Some may say, what do you mean by that? But he confirmed what I already knew. If there are individuals waiting for the "old Melissa" to come back, they will continue to wait as I have changed forever. I basically have been transformed. I was a daughter, that was a huge part of who I was. My identity. This is the new me. Not that this new person has to be something negative, I'm just a different person.
I guess all of this was good to hear, although I feel like I already knew it. What he suspected and was right, is that I feel pressure. I feel this pressure to be "normal" again and to be back to "myself". "That's crap" he basically said. Who is putting this pressure on you to be YOU again. You are YOU, just a YOU that is hurting, suffering, trying to figure it all out. Your supporters that are your supporters through this journey of healing need to understand. There is no quick fix for this one. No timeline. We're all learning...
I was hurt by someone and feeling that I had to justify why I was acting the way I was. He helped me with this. "It has been a year, step back and look at this terrible story from the outside looking in. You lost your Mother, Father and Brother." "You are a daughter, who wants her Mom and Dad back".
He had me explain to him, for whatever reason, how I felt and acted when I first walked into the funeral home. When I shared with him, his response made my eyes water, but I didn't cry. He basically said I almost went back in time. Back to me as a little girl, how heavily we rely on our parents at that age. I was a little girl, crying her eyes out for her Mommy and Daddy. "People have and will be faced with death and loss of a parent, but a very small percentage lose both and very few will ever lose them like this. " he explained.
So your probably wondering what the heck I'm getting out of this. Who knows at this point. But I think it was time to simply talk to someone about it, tell someone exactly how I am really feeling. Because a lot of times I have to mask it. I have to keep going. For me, failing at work or at home is really not an option. He got that right away from me. Yet, I'm struggling still and I will be the first to admit it.
I was sharing with him my year....Oh we're renting a house in the Keys with such wonderful friends, we're going to Paris and Ireland this year...my job is great....blah, blah, blah....and so on and so on......these are all great-wow you're lucky but he understood how badly I wanted to share these experiences with my parents. That is what he gets. I want to call my Mom and Dad from the Keys and tell them how beautiful the house is and how great the weather is and how we should all rent this house next year as a Family. He gets that I want to find that Hard Rock Cafe in Paris and buy my Dad a shot glass to add to his collection. He collected Hard Rock Cafe shot glasses from every city imaginable. He understands how I want to brag to my Mom when I get a promotion, you can only do that with parents. How badly I want to call them to complain or to just simply be consoled if I'm having a bad day. I want that unconditional love back.
I wanted my parents to die in a different way. Not at this age, not together, not now.
I have such a different perspective on death now. I just think of my Grandfather who turns 90 this July. What a gift. Honestly, anything past 75 is seriously a gift and when they pass, it's a celebration of life. Sure it is terribly sad and you grieve but you can actually celebrate their life. When a tragedy strikes, it's such a different and difficult process of accepting death.
I continue this journey of figuring out who I am. I am not just the girl who's family tragedy was a news story. I'm a wife, a Mother, a Friend, a Sister.....so many important things. But I'm also just a little girl, who misses her Mommy and Daddy...........I seriously at times feel like a little kid again. A little kid lost in the mall, panicking, waiting for them to come find me.
Love always,
Melissa
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