Memories from our vacation

I wish you were here to see all of our pictures.........these are some of our memories. 

Thinking of you always, 

Melissa

Happy Birthday Dad

We miss you more then you or anyone will ever understand. We miss your laughter so much and your laid back personality. But most of all, we just miss our Dad. Happy 53rd Birthday.....you're remembered every day for so many things. I still cannot believe your gone. 

After a beautiful 7 day vacation in the Keys, and a scare to the ER with Elle (more on that later), Christina and I visited the cemetery today. As if yesterday wasn't emotional enough. 

Yesterday was just one of those days that I really needed my Mom. Scared, as a new Mom, I wanted "that" person to call and cry to. I continue to be shocked that I really don't have the both of you here for all of this, whether it would have been calling you from the Keys to say Hi and to say  how stunning the views were or if it would have been me calling to cry because Elle was getting her first IV at the delicate age of 5 months. At 29 years old, I continue to still need my Mom and Dad. 

Long story short.........7 wonderful days spent with wonderful people in the Florida Keys. We had a gorgeous beach house steps away from the Ocean. It was the perfect relaxing trip and Elle was so awesome. She took naps, slept in her crib and went down every night right at 9pm, enjoyed smiling and hanging out with her new pal Abby and adjusted so well from being away from home. The day we went to fly back home, something went wrong. Her day started out not right...a lot of crying and she felt warm which later turned into a 102 degree fever. 

Elle, to this day, has never really been a "crier" so we knew by her actions, something wasn't right. We made it out of the keys into Charlotte and her condition got worse. But it was when her crying stopped and she got lethargic is how I would explain it, prompted me to get off the plane that was about to take off and call the paramedics. So perhaps I overreacted, I could not take any chances. I was so scared and instantly afraid of the worse possible scenario. 

We ended up being transferred to the hospital via ambulance. As I starred at my daughter, who was actually napping, in her car seat (attached to the stretcher), I couldn't help but imagine my Mother lying there. She was alive and I suspect in very bad shape. I was looking around at all of the supplies and just thinking of the worst possible things. That day has changed my way of thinking for the rest of my life. Ambulances scare me now and I certainly did not want to be driving in with Elle this early on in life. 

Many hours later, and after an IV, Catheter, and blood work.....the doctors determined Elle had an ear infection. A pretty severe one. We made it back home this morning and she has been in pretty bad pain. I pray the antibiotics kick in soon to ease her pain and bring my Elle back. I have to say, a sick child is a very scary thing and it really just breaks your  heart as they are so helpless and rely on you so heavily to make them better. 

We are so grateful Ted's Mom followed us back to Cincinnati today and will watch Elle for a few days so we can keep her out of daycare. 

I am so relived Elle has an ear infection and hopefully her pediatrician will confirm the same thing and that in a few days, she should make a turn around. 

Life still continues to throw curve balls, but one thing is for sure......we enjoyed that vacation. 

Happy Birthday Dad, I miss you every day......

the view

We're still here in the Keys...... Here is a picture of the view from our Villa.

We're having a great time!

Down in the Keys....

Down in the Floria Keys having a wonderful time.............the house is beautiful that we rented and is right on the Ocean. The views are amazing and it has been so wonderful to be with our good friends.........we have had great meals, margaritas by the pool, kayaking, and getting some great Sun. Elle has done so well here and has slept through the night in a strange crib and has taken great naps which allow us to sit in the Sun for a few.....

We're loving every minute of this vacation and I'm enjoying the relaxation and time with friends and family. Ted's brother and girlfriend have joined us for a few days so it has been great to spend time with them.

I'll write more and post pictures upon my return........

Until then.....it's 5 o'clock somewhere.........heading to a local fish restaurant tonight for Fish Tacos!

never say goodbye

Never say goodbye..... our Senior class song by Jon Bon Jovi. (ha) And no, I didn't graduate in the 80's.....we just loved the song.  I felt that way tonight as we said goodbye to one of our neighbors though.....

you really never say goodbye, just good luck. It's sad though, because realistically, I may never see him again. Of course I hope I do, he and his fiance are wonderful people and I laughed tonight over dinner more then I have in months, but they're moving to Montana.....two doctors and the hours they will work, they're marrying in Puerto Rico, which is way cool and we'll live so many miles apart..... I wish them nothing but the best. And I sincerely hope the Hyde Park crew keeps in touch and we get together to laugh again, like we did tonight. 

It was so nice tonight to have our crew together......the three couples met almost three years ago and to think how much our lives have since changed.  Babies, death, marriage, proposals.............it was nice to laugh tonight. We have wonderful friends here. Funny to think we only met them three years old.  Like we always used to say with my Mom and the Girl scout troop , "make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold". 

Elle Woods met her little boyfriend tonight from across the street. She's claiming at this point, she has no interest in younger men.....

Summer sniffles

Bummer, at 5 months old, Elle has her very first case of stuffy/runny nose and itchy/watery eyes. Just in time for the plane ride to the Keys on Saturday. We have been so lucky thus far...making it through Flu Season and all. Ted and I both had colds this Spring and she never caught a hint of it. This is week 3 in daycare so it was bound to happen at some point. It could also have been the birthday party. But, we can't "not" take her places and she eventually had to catch a cold.....but it is a bummer. They can't breathe that great and you just feel bad for them. 

Normally, I'd call my Mom and ask her what to do but instead had to resort to the pediatrician. I didn't want to call as I know this is common...she's still eating and had a great, happy day at daycare. But, I had to call as she did have a slightly above normal fever. Elle's doctor is so sweet and returned her page within minutes. She's not concerned at all but if symptoms worsen to see her when she gets her shots on Thursday. Elle has been such a happy easy baby that I couldn't wait to travel with her on Saturday, even if that meant a layover, two airports and carrying a ton of baby stuff on board. But now I am just hoping her stuffy nose stays at that and does not develop an ear infection. That would stink. 

Oh well, it is what it is and I am thankful she has been 100% healthy for the past 5 months. 

We have a pretty busy week with work, Ted traveling, getting packed, shopping, and attending a "good luck" dinner for our neighbor/friend who has finished his fellowship and is off to be the director of invetro fertilization at a Hospital in Montana.  He's a great guy and recently got engaged.He lost his Dad about 5 years ago to Cancer and his Dad's birthday is on April 7th. The day my parents died. He wrote me a really long, thoughtful letter when everything happened. "Welcome to the club" he wrote. The club that no one wants to be in, young adults who have lost a parent. In my case, both of them, very tragically. He is very lucky though, in his mid thirties he will return to his home town, after many, many years of medical school, residency, and his fellowship to practice medicine and be near his Mom. That is wonderful. He's accomplished so much and now he's going home.....I am very happy for him, yet so incredibly jealous. I'd give anything to have at least ONE of them here. What I would do for that.... 

Few more days, we'll be in the Florida Keys............Sun and friends....can't wait...

happy birthday Aydan

It's hard to believe my nephew Aydan turned 6 this past weekend. And, it's even harder to believe this is the second birthday he has celebrated without Gramma and Papa. These parties are definitely not the same and I feel sad for him. They were everything to him and Aydan was clearly everything to my parents. My Mom lived for birthday parties and really made a big deal out of them, every kid deserves that and we'll do our best to make Aydan continue to feel special.... Thankfully Aydan goes to a wonderful school and has many, many friends as our family has really shrunk....

I was glad to be home to be part of the celebration with Elle. Elle enjoyed napping in my Aunt's arms and was amused watching all of the little 6 year olds run around playing. I'm definitely enjoying this age where I don't have to chase her. For now, she's all mine. 

Before heading back to Cincinnati, I made the dreaded drive through Allen Park to my Grandfather's home in Wyandotte. I just drive through as if I never lived there. I know longer have any ties to Allen Park except for a few friends. A new family is living in my childhood home. It's the strangest feeling. I hate it. And I hate that they're not here. Going home will never be the same for me as I will always wish I was going home to see them. To have my family back. 

Elle sat in her Great Grampa's chair today and then found her feet when sitting on Daddy's lap when we got back home. She continues to be such a wonderful baby and smiles constantly. Trust me, I am well aware of how lucky we really have been with Elle. 

I'm changed forever

Great session today. My grief counselor's cousin's husband commits suicide and he finds out 2 minutes before our session. Once I arrive he tells me there has been a tragedy in his family. Suicide just scares me so I immediately feel for his family. But he still wants to have our session. I'm thinking, great. How is this guy going to help me today when he's in shock of what's going on with his Family? Why should he help me today, he needs to focus on his family.  But he insisted.  Tragedies are real, they ruin so many lives every single day.  I pray for this man's Wife and any children they may have. Suicide is so sad. 

Although he has been practicing counseling for over 25 years, he has had his own ride of healing with tragedy. Just like me, he received a phone call that would change his life.  Although much older, he was in his late 40's and received a call that his Mother and Father had been in a car accident, they were hit by a drunk driver. His Mother, who was in her mid 70's died on the spot and his Father was severely injured. He became a paraplegic. He died last year. 3 days later his Wife's Father died. Again he assures me he is not "comparing" our situations but there are some relating factors and shock that we both dealt with. 

I think the biggest thing I got out of today's session was that I will never be the person I was on April 6th of 2008 ever again. Some may say, what do you mean by that? But he confirmed what I already knew. If there are individuals waiting for the "old Melissa" to come back, they will continue to wait as I have changed forever. I basically have been transformed. I was a daughter, that was a huge part of who I was. My identity. This is the new me. Not that this new person has to be something negative, I'm just a different person. 

I guess all of this was good to hear, although I feel like I already knew it. What he suspected and was right, is that I feel pressure. I feel this pressure to be "normal" again and to be back to "myself". "That's crap" he basically said. Who is putting this pressure on you to be YOU again. You are YOU, just a YOU that is hurting, suffering, trying to figure it all out. Your supporters that are your supporters through this journey of healing need to understand. There is no quick fix for this one. No timeline. We're all learning...

I was hurt by someone and feeling that I had to justify why I was acting the way I was. He helped me with this.  "It has been a year, step back and look at this terrible story from the outside looking in. You lost your Mother, Father and Brother." "You are a daughter, who wants her Mom and Dad back".  

He had me explain to him, for whatever reason, how I felt and acted when I first walked into the funeral home. When I shared with him, his response made my eyes water, but I didn't cry. He basically said I almost went back in time. Back to me as a little girl, how heavily we rely on our parents at that age. I was a little girl, crying her eyes out for her Mommy and Daddy.  "People have and will be faced with death and loss of a parent, but a very small percentage lose both and very few will ever lose them like this. " he explained. 

So your probably wondering what the heck I'm getting out of this. Who knows at this point. But I think it was time to simply talk to someone about it, tell someone exactly how I am really feeling. Because a lot of times I have to mask it. I have to keep going. For me, failing at work or at home is really not an option. He got that right away from me. Yet, I'm struggling still and I will be the first to admit it. 

I was sharing with him my year....Oh we're renting a house in the Keys with such wonderful friends, we're going to Paris and Ireland this year...my job is great....blah, blah, blah....and so on and so on......these are all great-wow you're lucky but he understood how badly I wanted to share these experiences with my parents. That is what he gets. I want to call my Mom and Dad from the Keys and tell them how beautiful the house is and how great the weather is and how we should all rent this house next year as a Family. He gets that I want to find that Hard Rock Cafe in Paris and buy my Dad a shot glass to add to his collection. He collected Hard Rock Cafe shot glasses from every city imaginable. He understands how I want to brag to my Mom when I get a promotion, you can only do that with parents. How badly I want to call them to complain or to just simply be consoled if I'm having a bad day. I want that unconditional love back. 

I wanted my parents to die in a different way. Not at this age, not together, not now. 

I have such a different perspective on death now. I just think of my Grandfather who turns 90 this July. What a gift. Honestly, anything past 75 is seriously a gift and when they pass, it's a celebration of life. Sure it is terribly sad and you grieve but you can actually celebrate their life. When a tragedy strikes, it's such a different and difficult process of accepting death. 

I continue this journey of figuring out who I am. I am not just the girl who's family tragedy was a news story. I'm a wife, a Mother, a Friend, a Sister.....so many important things. But I'm also just a little girl, who misses her Mommy and Daddy...........I seriously at times feel like a little kid again. A little kid lost in the mall, panicking, waiting for them to come find me. 

Love always,

Melissa

giggles

I had one of those sad drives home today after a wonderful 2 days spent with two of my greatest friends in the Chicago burbs. It was wonderful seeing my friends and celebrating the upcoming birth of someone very special. These girls are the absolute best. 

But on the way home, I had a long 5 hours to think.........I feel like a loaner......I miss having parents. I really do. And I miss them, painfully. 

Elle made me smile this evening though, as always....enjoy these few giggles.....we certainly did.

I love you Mom and Dad, you're missed every day! 

Melissa

Elle Woods

For those that are really close to me know my love for the actress, Reese Witherspoon. You know, the star for most famously "Legally Blonde" oh yeah, and that little movie she made as June Carter, kidding it was a huge movie- only to take home an Oscar in one of my Dad's favorite films, "Walk the line". But see, I loved her long before the character of Elle Woods entered the world, it all started with her in the Movie "Man in the moon" as Dani Trant. I would just ball at that movie when the boy died in the tractor accident. My girlfriend Joy and I would watch it over and over.......

I honestly don't even think I could rank my top 5 Reese Witherspoon movies, but I am going to attempt to think about it..... These are not in order of most favorite, but these are my top five...

Legally Blonde, Sweet Home Alabama, Just like Heaven (how appropriate), Walk the Line and Man in the Moon. I really love these movies. (But don't worry friends, Mystic Pizza will remain my favorite movie of all time and sad but true, Reese Witherspoon is NOT in this film).

So back to Legally Blonde, the Elle Woods character grew on me--a rich, ditzy, blonde, sorority girl that turned totally smart and got into Harvard law school to chase a boy then came out to be a pretty incredible lawyer but also a very strong independent woman. And I'm not saying I want "my" Elle to follow in those footsteps, except for maybe the Harvard Law School part oh and strong woman and all, but I did name my daughter Elle mainly for my love of this character and Reese Witherspoon. (and for you Gramma, Elle is also short for Eleanor which reinforced that it was the perfect name).

So the reason for talking about this all started with an event that took place this afternoon....

Ted went to pick up Elle up from school today and he walked into the tadpole room and the teachers said to him, "we think your wife looks like Reese Witherspoon, and by chance was your daughter named after Elle Woods? because we call her Elle Woods here". Ted knew this would be music to my ears to hear these silly words so he had to call me right away. "You're going to LOVE this school even more now. The teachers think you look like Reese Witherspoon and apparently they call Elle, Elle Woods". Oh it did indeed bring music to my ears and I need music to my ears these days....But let's get this straight, I do NOT think I look like Reese. She is stunning and I look nothing like her except for one feature-my teeth. We have similar teeth, they "flare" out a bit and I swear that is the only reason why I have heard a few times of the resemblance. My own Dad even commented on it after watching Walk the Line and then quite frequently after as a joke. or various family or friends after watching Legally Blonde. Regardless if I think I resemble her even the slightest or not, the bottom line is I love that girl and teachers, for now anyway, you can call my daughter Elle Woods all day long if you want.........however, when she gets a little older we may want to tone it down a bit. She may one day turn on that flick and be disgusted with me that I would dare name her after such a character. One day, we may need to keep that a little quiet.

Today was one of those "good days". It was a good morning dropping Elle off , work was really fun-my presentation to management went great, I got to hold my neighbors new baby boy while Elle sat on her family members laps all smiley....today was the day that I fought through the pain and let myself enjoy my Day. I thought about my parents quite a bit, but right before I would start to think of "that day", I would stop myself or when I walked past their picture on the wall before entering into Elle's nursery, I stopped and smiled for a minute but wouldn't cry... but then after I put Elle down I did have to go upstairs and go through their file box to locate some bank statements and I pulled out my Mom's license. Darn it. And I wasn't going to cry today. But there she was-smiling and so happy and so young. Ugh...I miss them dearly........

YOUR Reese Witherspoon, Dad........

1 down..many more to go

Elle did fabulous today. I know it was only the first day, but my mind was at ease when I called not once but twice and was told what a good baby she was. And it wasn't the same teacher, they both confirmed she had a good day. I walked in after work and to my surprise she was in her crib cuddling with her little monkey, on her side passed out like I had never seen before. She drank all of her bottles, took 3 god naps, and played on the mat and watched the other babies. I'm not so worried yet about what activities she's doing or if she's learning anything, I'm just relieved she made it through ONE day. Certainly there will be good and bad days but the fact that her first day was a very easy transition, makes me feel pretty good about it. 

I don't know how working parents do it with multiple children. My Mom always stayed home with us as little kids, how wonderful of her. I have one and knock on wood, she's been pretty easy. But wow, you come home and you want to play with her and hold her but I immediately get anxiety that her 5 dirty bottles are sitting in the sink. So I have to wash those and get her things organized. Ted was at a golf function so I wanted to water the lawn. Things needed to be picked up. I wish I could overlook all of that stuff and just spend it with Elle. Thank gosh we have the nicest lady ever to clean our house every few weeks. I never thought we would use a house cleaner but once you have children, cleaning a toilet is the last thing you feel like doing. But I sure have a strong appreciation for Mothers who have multiple children and work and keep a clean house. 

The bottom line is, Elle is the most important thing on my "to do list" but that does not take away from the fact that stuff does have to get done. 

Yay for Elle. I'm so happy she enjoyed her first day!