Watch out Kindegarten!

Your grandson is getting so big and quite the handsome little fellow. Not sure Dad would approve, but for the pictures, Christina gave him a little Mohawk. I think it's totally awesome and trendy!!! He looks so grown up which is scary......the little man is off to school on Tuesday!

We miss you always and it's amazing how much this little guy remembers about the two of you. He prays every night to Gamma and Papa. Although you only spent a little under 5 years with him, you will remain two very influential people in his life.

Labor Day

This year is so incredibly hard because all of the Holidays spent last year had my parents in them. The future Holidays will be hard because they won't have my parents in them.

Every Labor Day Ted heads to Lake Placid, NY and hikes the Adirondacks with his Dad. So I will usually spend time with friends or head to the lake to be with my parents. That is exactly what my Sister and I did last year. I remember driving up with my Mom, Dad was retired already so I think he was up there a few days early. We stopped off at the Grocery store once we got into town and overloaded the car with snacks, pop, S'more stuff and every type of food that is a must for a Labor Day weekend at the lake. We took boat rides, played cards, got my favorite Walraven's ice cream.....my Grandpa and Eve came over and we had bonfires. I am so glad I had that Holiday with them. I probably have posted most of these pictures before but here are some from Labor day last year, my last spent with Mom and Dad.

Labor Day, as a child, was always spent up-north......it would be our last Summer weekend before school began....

This year I will head back to Michigan, but not to the Lake. I am staying at the Close's and spending some time with my Sister, visiting my Grandpa Olszowy and my Aunt Diann and Uncle Randy are coming in town from Atlanta so we have reservations for Greek town on Sunday with Cousin Jessica and Bob. Mrs. Close is coming along too. I'll probably do some shopping and visit with any friends that may be in town.

Christina and I will be going school shopping for Aydan on Saturday. He starts private Kindergarten on Tuesday! Wow, gamma and papa would be so proud of their little grandchild. He got his pictures taken yesterday and I will post them as soon as they are posted on their website.

Safe travels this weekend and spend time with the people you truly enjoy. I would do anything to have my Mom and Dad here today.

a priceless photo book

As I mentioned, one of the treasures found in my cleaning escapade this weekend was a photo album my Mother put together for me in 2003. Here is what she wrote:



Melissa,

Since you are married now, I thought making this album would be something to make you smile and remember your childhood and beyond that. You know how much I love pictures so here is a part of my love for you to love....



Forever,

Mom

Christmas 2003



Thank you Mom for being such an amazing Mother and person. Here you are holding me at just two days old.....I can only imagine how excited yet nervous you and Dad were. Just like I will be come January.

Here is Dad and I on his 24th birthday at the cabin! (24 years old? Wow, so young!) I love you Dad.

And me taking a bath where Mom would love to do my hair....

And here's Justin and I with some type of bunny looking thing.

No need to worry Mom. I have the love of pictures instilled in me for life and look forward to putting together albums for my children so they can remember it all.

Love always,

your picture loving daughter (thanks to you Mom)

clean closets.

The laundromat. Goodwill. Lowe's. We saw it all this weekend.......

Ted's Mom graciously came down this weekend to help us get organized to be better prepared for getting the house ready for the baby. Ever since April, things that we were normally on top of (closets, drawers, laundry, etc.) went by the waste side. I'm slightly high energy/physcho when it comes to a clean house, but I never said anything about being "organized in the house". Our floors, bathrooms, stove...you name it are generally spic and span and we maintain a clutter free house however, enter at your own risk should you open up one of our many closets , drawers or take a peak in the basement. But actually now, I give you full permission and encourage you to go take a peak! (My Holiday decor is even organized by Season on shelves in the basement)



We took 2 SUV filled trips to Goodwill to drop off bags and bags of clothes, shoes (I finally said good-bye to the many pairs of shoes that have walked many miles in my lifetime), purses, electronics, linens, household stuff, etc. It was absolutely amazing at the stuff Ted and I collected since being married and moving to Cincinnati. Get this.....in our basement, we had approximately 15 moving boxes unopened. Mom Close and I went through every one of them and found almost nothing of value.



When I say almost nothing, of course I came across things of high emotional value- that made me both sad yet very happy. My Mother, as you know, loved pictures. Any major event in my life she would stock a photo album up with childhood to current pictures and hand write me a really sweet note about leaving off to College and if I ever get homesick to look through this album or after I was married she made this rather large photo book for me and I honestly forgot about it as it got lost in the move. The handwritten note she wrote now is so much more meaningful to me then it probably was when she gave it to me. It said she was passing on her love of pictures to me. The very first photo in the book was a picture of our Allen Park house and the front porch, where my Parents were killed, and the second picture was of my Mother holding me at the hospital at just two days old. In addition to these scrapbooks I keep finding with her handwritten notes to me, this particular album was really special and also quite ironic. She really was a special Mother who took the time to write her loved ones a note and fill an album of pictures that would leave endless smiles on their face.



Don't get me wrong, our weekend was not filled with just work......although the way my back feels today it sure feels that way. One of our greatest friends, Eric coaches the Men's Oakland University Soccer Team and they were playing a Cincinnati College Team. We checked out some of his game and could see him from across the field (sadly we did not get to spend time with him), and we did get to eat at two really nice restaurants. Saturday, we took Mom Close on the Kentucky side and went to one of our newest favorite, Chalk. It's a wine bar with excellent gourmet food. We started out with some Calamari and Polenta Fries....I went with the Trout, Ted ordered some Fish special and Mom Close ordered Duck sloppy joes. And don't even think we finished dinner without dessert. I am obssessed with their S'more dessert which is made from scratch in house and their mini cupcakes (look how cute!).





We thank Ted's Mom for coming down to Cincinnati on one of her last weekends before returning to work (we think she should retire!) to help us get organized. I feel very accomplished today as I sit on my porch, while Ted plays golf and I ponder what to buy for dinner tonight....I think I'm still full from dinner last night.




My Sister took Matt and Aydan to my parents lake this weekend. I was so excited they were going. I know it's not easy. My Aunt Kim and her three children joined them and they were able to spend time with Grandpa. I called this morning to see how things were going and all 6 of them were out to breakfast with Grandpa. This made me so happy. Before I let her go I said, "take pictures!". As she was hanging up I could here my Sister say, "Aydan, get next to Grandpa and smile....."

Mom & Dad~I'm so sorry (and angry) you are not here to share in these moments, but you're in our thoughts every step we take...

Love,

Melissa

"I"

I love these types of things. I try to write down what comes to mind when I hear the two words.....



I'm wearing...Washington University sweatpants and a white tank top

I ate...Pizza again for dinner

I am...sad but hopeful

I love...memories shared with my Mom, Dad, Brother and Sister when we were an entire Family

I want...a girl but I'd take a healthy boy in a heartbeat

I hate...guns and ambulances (new fear since April)

I wish...I could have said good-bye

I know...a lot of wonderful people

I feel...sad for my Brother but worse for my Mom and Dad

I have...the best of friends that laugh and cry with me

I should...write a book one day

I will...see my parents again

I can't...imagine my future without Mom and Dad

I like...to travel to warm places and can't wait to take the "baby" on vacation

I hope...my Sister and I can still live a fulfilled life

I cherish...time spent with Gracie girl, mo, friends and family

I never...want to experience a tragedy again, it made death so painful

I remember...the people who were there for me when I needed them the most

I would... re-do my exact life only to hug my parents even more then I did

I could...cry in a second if I just think of my beautiful Mommy and my funny Dad

Thank you

Since I continue to beat myself up about not saying everything I wanted to say to my parents I would like to say thank you to them for a few things, although a month before or so before they passed I sent an email to some Family and Friends that included the words to the song "Say" by John Mayer. I was touched by the lyrics and felt we should go on living our life but saying the things we needed to say to the people that we love the most. After I sent that email did I quickly call my parents and tell them everything I always wanted to tell them? Of course not. All of my Family members tell me over and over that my Parents for certain knew how much I loved them. Actually tonight I was talking to my Grandfather's girlfriend of many years who was also very close to my Mother & Father and in between tears she was teasing me for how much I used to call my Mom and Dad when they were at the Lake. She said, "we would try to eat dinner or play cards and you would just call and call and call..". I loved bugging them. I don't care how busy I was I always made time to call the folks. And then there was February when Mom and Dad were in Key West. I kept calling them and Aunt Linda would yell in the background as they were eating oysters at a little bar on the Water, "will you stop calling??" Of course she was joking but it was quite obvious I had a bit of a problem with calling them!

Mom and Dad,
I've told you in my prayers and many times in between since you passed how thankful I am for everything. I am thankful for how you raised me, I am thankful for all of the memories you made possible for us kids, I am thankful for you and Dad putting up with me when there were clothing wars throughout grade school, I am thankful for your financial help with College and
for a beautiful wedding, I am thankful for how you treated Family and Friends as this taught me how to value these relationships, I am thankful for how fun you were as parents, I am thankful for how caring you were with Grandpa Olszowy, your Grandson Aydan and anyone that may have been in need. I am thankful for you always accepting my many phone calls to sit there and listen to me complain while you were trying to enjoy your favorite TV show. But Honestly, can I tell you the most thing I am thankful for? It was your involvement in my life. You coming to where ever we lived to help out or to simply "hang out", going out to dinner with Ted and I, cooking us a great meal, stupid things like hanging up every picture, art, and shelves that we have in this entire house, cleaning out my fridge while yelling, "how old is this??", baking Ted his favorite chocolate cheesecake. It's those small things that I am so thankful for because you enjoyed being here with us while doing them. Honestly, you could have given me nothing toward College or a Wedding and I would still be sooooo thankful for the type of parents you were to me, the money thing means nothing...it honestly doesn't but often that is what children ending up thanking their parents the most for. Who cares if your College was paid for? It's the unconditional love that matters the most and shapes you to be a pretty darn good individual.

You never knocked, you never asked to open my fridge, you knew exactly which room was yours, you knew your away around every town we lived in............these little things are truly priceless. Money absolutely cannot buy everything, in fact,
the best moments in life are free. It's whether or not you ever stop long enough to notice them.

I love you always and I am thankful for the life you have given me and the life that you will continue to guide me on.

Until we meet again, my sweet Parents.

The unfairness of it all...

What I thought about tonight on my walk throughout the neighborhood was the unfairness that my Mom and Dad got cheated out of their retired life. It makes me cry to think of all they will miss out on with the new baby and with their Grandson Aydan. I know where they are now is not a place where they sit and realize how much they're missing out on but the reality is they will miss out on a lot. I also am very sad for my Brother who did not want this outcome and now he is cheated out of the rest of his life.

My parents, okay mainly my Mother lived for the Holidays, Birthdays and Family functions...having another baby around would have thrilled her. Ted and I had a really good system down. For Easters and Thanksgivings we would try to have joint Family gatherings, which oddly enough we did this year and last and Christmas Eve was always at the Close's...we would wake up and then Christmas Day was always at my Parent's house. We'd stay the night there and Ted and I would go to breakfast with Mom and Dad in the morning. Even last Christmas, the Close's came to our Family Christmas celebration at Mom and Dad's house. I would always think of the future when Ted and I did have a child how we would work it. My dream was always to host a big, old fashioned, family Holiday(Thanksgiving or Christmas). The house would be packed, every room filled, air mattresses in the living room. My Dad would cook a big Meal. Our Moms would help bake the desserts, we'd decorate the tree....everyone even my Sister who often has to work on the Holidays would make it. I knew most of our Holidays would be spent in Michigan so we could see the entire Family but I had envisioned one big one spent in our home, with everyone of course. I never in a million years could imagine just Ted and I and the baby spending the Holidays together. We will always make every effort to spend it with our Family (and Mel and Nick-you better not miss Christmas Eve this year) and I know for a fact there will never be a Holiday for as long as I live that I will not spend it with my Sister and Aydan. I always said that even before my Parents passed. The true meaning of the Holidays simply go away if they are not spent with all of your loved ones. I am just lucky the Close's welcome my Sister into their home and have been for many years because she really doesn't have an entire Family to call her own now and I will make certain she always feels welcome wherever we may go. And although I am truly dreading the Holidays this year, which saddens me because I was deleting old December 2007 emails to my friends and I must have said 20 times, "I love Christmas time! I can't wait to be off for 10 days!", I will do my best to try and enjoy them like my Mom and Dad did and would want for us. But when I think of myself decorating a tree....or shopping for my Family....I almost want to faint with sadness........

Okay so they were perhaps cheated of their life beyond 50 years old but in God's eyes, he needed them more then we did (which I find hard to believe but I am trying...) and I must remember the way they lived their 1st 50 years which was probably fuller then most live in their entire life. It still doesn't make it any easier because I want them for my future. My Holidays. My child's baptism. My Child's college graduation. My Child's wedding. All of the milestones in which they would have enjoyed so much will now only be viewed from Heaven up above.

Missing you daily,

Melissa

a weekend at home

Since April, we have rarely been home. So I have to say it was really nice to be here for the entire weekend and get the things done that have been on our list for months.

Friday night we had dinner over at our friend Todd's new house and watched the Olympics (go Phelps! What an adrenaline rush!) Saturday we woke up and got productive. We purchased a new bed frame, which looks totally cool (they delivered it today and Ted put it together), we picked out our new Carpet for the 2nd Floor and have Lowes coming to measure next week, we bought two new shutters that I ran over a few months back when they fell off from a storm, I put Miracle Grow in my potted flowers, Ted played 9 holes of golf yesterday and 18 holes today, I cleaned two toilets, my stove and wood floors and had a super fun dinner with our friends Ashley and Justin on Saturday night at a great Mexican restaurant..Virgin Strawberry Daiquiri and all.....I even went grocery shopping today. Not just to the "market" where for the past 4 months I have bought everything, I actually went to the "real" grocery store. Then wiped the dust off my I-pod (haven't turned it on in months) -downloaded some new songs (I love John Mayer's remake of Free Fallin) and went for a nice, long walk....

This weekend turned out to be productive, fun and relaxing. The only negative part are these darn nightmares. They won't go away. A part of me doesn't want them to go away because they pretty much always star my Parents however I always wake up in disappointment and realize they are still gone. Last nights dream I was at my old cabin in Harrison, MI. My Father was in the dream and the whole time I wanted to hug him and say all of these things to him but the dream wouldn't allow it-I remember when he left he wrote this letter on how to close the place up, left some cash and oddly enough left pictures of my Mother for some reason. My brother was in the dream and guns were involved but no one was hurt. I do remember me locking myself in the bathroom and trying to call 9-1-1. The operator told me it would take 2 hours to get there due to the distance. I woke up in a panic.
Some dreams are my Mother making it and me walking into the hospital room and she is sitting up (devastated, but alive). I hug and tell her I will be there for her and how as a Family we will get through this. But would we have? To be honest, I cannot even imagine what life would be like had my Mother or Father survived one another. I am not sure they would have survived without each other. On Earth they never were apart and I just hope in God's plan that he had for them, was for them to never be alone and that meant they would die together.

The festival

Two years ago this weekend-Mom, Dad, Christina and Aydan came to Cincinnati for a Family weekend. It just so happened to be the Hyde Park, St. Mary's Catholic Church festival. Being Catholic, my Dad LOVED Catholic festivals. What other religion allows you to gamble, drink and eat all in one place? A catholic festival! We all walked up there from my house to take Aydan on some rides, Dad and Ted ran off to the casino room and grabbed a beer, Mom and I watched Aydan on the rides and ate an elephant ear or two. The next year my Dad kept asking me, "when is that St. Mary's festival happening again?" Unfortunately, the weekend it occurred didn't work out to have everyone come down. A few pictures from that weekend two years ago at my house......I always loved having everyone here although my Mom and Dad would complain that I was too high strung with the cleaning...(probably so...now looking back, who really cared if the house got messy?) Mom looked so pretty standing in my kitchen holding her glass of wine. Dad cooked us a great dinner and Ted played superman with Aydan.



Now today is the official start of the festival again. The weekend festivities kicked off with the Hyde Park 5k this evening; as I was walking Grace to the end of our street we stopped and watched the runners. I really love this neighborhood. As I stood there and watched the runners go by, I looked at the Art gallery with their door wide open for spectators and the owner peaking outside with a glass of wine, a Hyde Park classic, one of our favorite delis "Carl's Deli" was packed and I could hear the music and laughter coming from the festival at the Church. I love this type of neighborhood where there is so much going on and walking can take you to a variety of restaurants, shops and parks. I could not imagine myself in any other type of place then here for the time being.....I am thankful every day we ended up here two years ago as we had the chance to spend much more time with my Parents being only 4 hours away. I guess everything does happen for a reason.

My new site

http://enteringtheworldinjanuary2009.shutterfly.com/

I have decided that I need to be more upbeat about this pregnancy regardless of the stress and sadness I may carry. I went to prenatal yoga tonight and in a room filled with stunning, very pregnant ladies, I realized I am not the only person who has stress in their life. Sure, mine may be significantly more heartbreaking and tragic but it was refreshing to hear other women who are pregnant are very stressed but at yoga was their time to relax.

In honor of my pregnancy, I have created a new website through my picture site, Shutterfly. Once the belly starts popping and the baby room begins, I will be posting various photos on this site as well as have a calendar of events and notices on doctors appointments, etc. I will also save my favorite "baby" links on the site as well so new expectant Mom's can have a place for reference. There probably won't be updates daily but I will try to give updates on my pregnancy in general as I know there is some curiosity. (cravings, weight gain, side effects, sickness, etc.)

My current obsession has to be strollers. They are so confusing and I am thankful I have Nicky and Erin to give me the low down. I want a system that goes from a car seat to a stroller.....so confused!

Today was actually a really good day after being really sad for most of the night last night. Work was great and really productive, I had a fun lunch with a vendor I am working with, enjoyed being in a room filled with really attractive pregnant women and ended the evening by walking up to Hyde Park Square to a favorite local joint Arthur's (Dad was quite fond of this place and we commented tonight on which two tables we sat at with Mom and Dad) for a Garden burger. Trust me, I ate enough chocolate for 10 people so I needed a light dinner.

I hope you enjoy my new site and find the updates fun.

Love,

A sad but trying her hardest pregnant daughter....

How can she be gone?

Why my Mother? My beautiful, loving, caring, Mother. (Mommy) She was so needed on this Earth.

A die hard recycler (both my parents would scold me and sift through my garbage for recyclables), an avid donater to various charities even if it were only a small donation (anywhere from the human society to cancer to march of dimes...), an amazing baker, a true friend, a loving Sister, an incredible daughter, a caring daughter-n-law, a stunning wife (who often bugged her retired husband for renovating around the house-my Dad wanted one year of relaxation, one year was all he asked for-well Dad, you got a year and 1/2), and a Gramma who loved to spoil her grandson, and a supportive, over the top, call her anytime of the day or night and she'd always make the time for you type of Mother.


I can't believe you will never meet our baby. I can't believe you will never come to our home again. I can't believe we will never share another Holiday together again or another Family vacation. I can't believe I will never have a Mother and Father again. I can't believe you won't get to see Chris graduate from nursing school or Aydan go off to Kindergarten. Oh how you'll miss so much.

But, you also experienced, loved and lived so much......and that is what allows me to sleep at night. However the nightmare and tragic way you died is never far from my mind and I truly believe it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I picture it all every single day. The sunny April day, Aydan leaving three hours before, the 911 call, the ambulance, the sheet draped over Dad for hours, Mom being rushed to the ER, the neighbors, the news.....I never in a million years imagined this would be my life.

2 lines

Like I mentioned a few posts ago, we found out I was pregnant exactly two months after my Parents death on June 7th, 2008. I actually was headed to Chicago for a much needed girls weekend that afternoon and had went shopping with my girlfriend Julie the day prior to fill our baskets up with Champagne, Wine and Snacks to take with us. We got a suite downtown Chicago and we were ready to have some fun! That morning it dawned on me that I was late and I knew I had to take a pregnancy test before a wine filled weekend was about to come my way.

I feel badly but when I saw the two pink lines on the test, I wasn't overly excited or overly sad. I was sort of in shock-sort of how I have been for the past several months. I've become this calm person who believes she can handle anything (except no one else that I love is allowed to leave me, including Princess Grace) and I was like OK, I am pregnant, this is good and we can handle it. I didn't burst into tears or cry as I told Ted the news. I was excited of course but it didn't quite hit me yet. Mom and Dad were gone, my brother would soon be in prison (now, hopefully a hospital), and I was pregnant. And I had to leave 30 minutes after telling my husband to go be with my friends. Great and your not suppose to tell anyone until your 1st trimester has passed. Right.

Here are some photos of the moment I told a hotel room filled with my best of friends. Look at the girls faces in the background. I particularly like my friend Erin's face in the background in the last picture. She looks so happy and shocked!

Officially 4 months pregnant now and I have had NO morning sickness, NO special cravings, NO weight gain and no real side effects other then some tiredness and headaches (due to caffeine withdrawl). However I am sure my Mother is passing along her perfect pregnancy genes as like her Sister told me, "your Mother would pop babies out like it was her job!" She was never sick, wore a bikini a few weeks before she had me (I don't think I'll be that lucky, plus it will be Winter anyway...) and only suffered postpartum depression with my Sister Christina. She snapped out of it, cared for three young children and never looked back. She had us in everything from tap, ballet, jazz, modeling, pageants, gymnastics, cheerleading, baseball, girl scouts (yes, she was the cookie Mom), boy scouts, baseball to Football......Dad taped most of my track meets until my last race Senior year after 7 years.........his famous line to me before and after a race, "stop phyching yourself out". I always got a nervous stomach before the 400 yard dash and I always would say to him, "I'm going to lose" and then I would take first place. Every time. Thanks Dad.

I look forward to all of those moments with our child and like my parents were, we will be with them every step of the way. Through the good and the bad.....

Gracie, Cake and a Cappuccino

Well, Gracie is home. Our Veterinarian ran several tests, took additional x-rays and believes she has pneumonia. I am not totally sold on this as we were told this last year, last time. However what is still unexplainable is the collapsing-losing consciousness and difficulty in breathing. Could be a heart condition or it could have been a seizure.

I went home this weekend to be with my Sister after I knew Gracie was coming home. Ted said she basically slept all weekend; the medications make her drowsy. When I came home today, she greeted me as she normally would but you can tell she is still exhausted, not eating like she normally would and her breathing is not 100% but I am just thrilled our princess is alive!

My Dad always called her "the million dollar dog"...if you want to get realistic, "the ten thousand dollar dog". But like many of us dog owners, it's worth it. They become part of your family and you love them as much.

Thank you for thoughts and prayers. This is how Ted and Grace spent their weekend....

This weekend turned out to be quite nice. Saturday I got to spend the day with Aydan...we went to the pool and the park then Christina and I got ready and headed to her Birthday celebration (after manicures and pedicures). Our Aunt Diann from Atlanta was in town and our cousin Jessica also came along. Two of my friends, Michelle and Laura from High School joined in the fun, Mrs. Close and my Sister-n-law, Jackie and a few of my Sisters friends. We had great food, yummy White wine (so I heard), lots of laughs, Chris got some wonderful gifts and we ate some fabulous Carrot cake custom designed specifically for the pink lover she is. Gathering with Family and Friends is what life is all about. Just wish Mom was there to share in the fun. She was sorely missed.

I ended my weekend in MI at a fun breakfast joint in downtown Ann Arbor, my Sister and I split the yummiest french toast (not as good as Dad's but still really good) and I had what I was craving all weekend long, a decaf French Vanilla Cappuccino.

As emotional as everyday seems to be, I think Christina really enjoyed herself which makes me happy. I wish her a year of success with School and work, love and strong friendships, a stress-free being a Mom life (hey, I said "wish"), an accident free Winter (or any Season for that matter..) and peace in knowing Mom and Dad are in a wonderful place. Happy 25th Birthday Cricket.

Pray for Gracie

It's always something isn't it? At around 5am Grace was fast asleep cuddled in between us, under the covers, sprawled out on her side with her head on my pillow. I got up to go to the bathroom and I laid there starring at her for a minutes thinking how she looked like a Frog. I rubbed her belly for a few minutes and then she suddenly woke up. She started breathing odd and licking her lips, which are signs she is about to vomit. I woke up Ted and he helped her onto the Floor where she threw up but then decided to collapse and go unconscious and began urinating. Ted swooped her up and said let's get her to the Emergency Vet. And the next words that came out of his mouth are words I could not handle, "I think she's dead. I don't think she is going to make it this time". I was in panic mode and did not brush my teeth or throw on any more clothes then my tank and boxers I wore to bed. We got in the car and she seemed to be breathing slightly and her eyes were wide open which was a good thing, but we knew something was terribly wrong. We got there in less than 15 minutes and they admitted her and got x-rays, ran an EKG, took blood and got her in an oxygen chamber. They wanted to keep her for a few hours until our Vet opened. So almost $1,000 later, we picked Grace up and we took her to our Vet. She was stable enough to transfer her but her breathing was still short and not right. She is now at our Vet undergoing some tests and monitoring. They are not sure of the cause. Could have been a seizure and could be heart problems as her heart rate is rather low compared to normal dog rates.

Ever since the terrible episodes we have been through with her and surgery and all, she has been really, really healthy for the past year. She is only 2 years old and my biggest fear is that she won't live a long life. It scares me because when I think of the past two years and how she has lived her life...really fully. We take her everywhere, she sleeps in our bed, she is the princess of the house, "a pampered dog". What if her time is up sooner then later because she has lived such a full life for such a young Dog. I am not accepting that. Sorry, I one day have to accept that for my Parents but I can't handle accepting that again. We need Gracie in our life. She is our best friend. So no matter if we have to continue spending savings on this Dog or using our fun money, I am telling you..she is worth every penny and we are fortunate enough to be able to take care of her needs.

Thank you for your prayers and for looking down on her Mom and Dad.

When I get where I'm going

Tonight just sucks. Mom and Dad died 4 months ago today.

Of course I had to listen to this really beautifully written, incredibly sad song that my friend gave to me which was a part of a book. It's a song called "When I get where I'm going" By Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton. It's all about the journey of life and what pain-free, stress-free lives we will live once we get to our final destination and how there will only be tears of happiness. And how we will tell our loved ones that passed how much we've missed them and how we'll get to hug them again. Oh how I would do anything to hug my Mom and Dad. I just hate the fact that I cannot do that any longer. Never again while I am here on Earth. It's so painful to sit here and picture life without them. Nothing seems as special or as exciting. How I miss the phone calls, after a baseball game tonight I was sitting up in Ted's office. I really don't watch TV anymore and I tend to read quite a bit, but it was quiet and I really wanted nothing more then to call my Mother. Just to chat, complain, plan my Baby shower, talk to her about Christina's birthday dinner that I planned for Saturday or yell about Christina who got into another car accident yesterday on her way to daycare (she is okay, she suffered from a slight concussion) but her car needless to say, is totalled. She will be in a rental car until it's fixed.

This weekend I will spend with my Sister and nephew Aydan. I know it will also be a hard birthday for her to celebrate. That is why I will make certain her day is special with some Family and Friends, good food and wine and fun gifts and a super fun cake that I can't wait to present to her!

All I know is when I get where I'm going and I see my Mom and Dad standing before my eyes, I am not sure I will ever let go of them..... But then again, they say it's only happiness in Heaven so perhaps I will lose sight of the pain I felt here on Earth and I will only be filled with excitement when I see them again.

Until then...

I am....

"Driven by dreams, fueled by hope, sparked by curiosity, tested by adversity, shaped by experience and sustained by FAITH". ~Brad Paisley

A pea in the pod

"A baby is God's opinion that life should go on". -Carol Sandburg

You've guessed it. Ted and I are expecting our first child. Blessed from Mom and Dad above, I found out I was pregnant exactly two months after their death on June 7, 2008. Perhaps a coincidence, but I have faith they were behind this unexpected surprise. Our vacation at St. John was filled with mixed emotions, my parents had just died one month after we got there. To this day I am positive that if their death wouldn't have happened, I would not be standing here pregnant today. It was almost as if this was God's plan. I'm going to take two away from you, as hard as it will be, but will grace your life with the gift of a new life.

Mom and Dad,

I can't say this will be easy without you but you are giving me a tremendous amount of strength to face what lies ahead. I never in a million years pictured you both gone when Ted and I had our first child. I always envisioned how I would have told you the news, how I would con you to live with us for a few months, and what Dad would bring to the hospital if I had a girl. He walked into the Hospital when Aydan was born with a baseball glove and ball. Since I was a runner, I could see him walking in with a pair of little Nike's or something. Or perhaps a pair of tap shoes. I also have pictured Family trips, Holidays shared together and spending time at the Lake. You were the type of Parents that would have been involved every step of the way, just like you were with Aydan.

I always pictured calling Mom everyday for advice, heck- she had three of us by the time she was my age. And no one can give advice quite like your own Mother. I am still in shock that I won't have that.

What I do look forward to is incorporating you both into our child's life. Your smile, laughter, fun spirit, and most importantly the value of Family and Friends that you have taught to me, that didn't quite hit me until you passed. They were the most important thing in your life. You had amazing relationships with your parents (there isn't a Birthday or Holiday that doesn't have both Grandpa's and Grandma's in it), your siblings, your children and your friends. That is what I want for myself, Ted and our child. Matter of fact, that's all I want. I truly believe if you give your child caring, unconditional love and teach them what matters most in life, that everything else will fall into place. Sure my parents weren't perfect and neither will Ted and I be but....we will love him or her and show them a wonderful, adventurous life.

"Parents are like shuttles on a loom. They join the threads of the past with the threads of the future and weave their own bright patterns as they go." -Fred Rogers

I'm sorry you won't be there Papa but we'll never, ever lose sight of who you and Mom were and I promise you this, they will know all about Gamma and Papa Olszowy.

I dedicate this child, this mircale, to my Mother and Father above.

It's my Birthday (party) and I'll cry if I want to.....

Last year on this exact day, Mom and Dad were here in Cincinnati to celebrate my 28th Birthday with me. Mom got me a beautiful pair of Tiffany earrings that I am currently wearing today and some other fun things including this little silk floral arrangement that sits on my porch. We had such a great weekend with them. They were the most amazing parents a girl could ask for.

Exactly 29 years ago, my Mother and Father celebrated as they brought a new baby girl into the World. Not knowing what to expect or what I would become, they were overjoyed being new parents. Although my Birthdays will never be the same or as special, I am thankful I had 28 years of birthday celebrations with Mom and Dad. What I miss today is the phone call from Mom. If she wasn't in town for my Birthday, I would for certain get a call. A very cheerful call from Mom, "Happy Birthday Melissa!!"....Dad would be yelling it in the background.

This weekend was a very special one in CT spent with Ted's Aunt and Uncle and cousins (and a fun visit from Mel) . They celebrated my Birthday on Saturday with cake, gifts and all! It was so nice to be near family that I love dearly. Now more then ever, these relationships are so important to me. Although...they always were.

Since Ted is out of town this week, we celebrated last night with more cake, ice-cream and gifts and today I was greeted with a ton more cards in the Mail from my wonderful friends and family, gift certificates to the Spa and Shopping, bags of chocolate and books and nice emails and phone calls. And I have a fun dinner and movie night planned out with my Cincinnati girlfriends. An Olszowy girl never spends her birthday alone.

This is my new life. My very first birthday spent without having a Mom and Dad. But I am praying they are catching glimpses of me whether it's today or them being able to remember the 28 years they had with me.

Your memory remains a part of who I am today and will forever remain a part of who I am to become. I know your proud of how I am handling myself these days but as sensitive as Mom was, I know she would also be sad and tearful today that I was without them. It's still so painful not being able to hear your voices. I could sit and think about them all day long........and like the song says, "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to".