run for fun

I've finally gotten my running groove back. Since Mom and Dad passed and well, having two kids, it's been challenging to focus on one my favorite things to do which is run. I know, I know, I was teased all through school on who and the heck would "run for fun"...but I love it. Especially now, it's a stress reliever and a way for me to be in control and not a bad keep in shape/maintain my post baby body tactic. I've also found a fantastic running partner. A running partner, especially a good one, makes the world of difference. The last race I ran before Mom and Dad died, was the Country Music Half marathon in Nashville. They came down with me to watch me run and got such enjoyment seeing me cross the 10 mile marker with a smile on my face. We had such a great time. My running partner for several months was a co-worker and we had a similar pace and really motivated one another to keep the mileage up. I also didn't have kids at the time and it was easier to dedicate the hours to running. Now, I go a few times a week after getting the kids home from school, fed, bathed and tucked into bed....so it's a busy day ending with a great run. My new running partner has also become a great friend - her kids go to the same school as Elle and Harry and similar ages as well.

I had been pondering what I could do for my Parent's memory next Spring where it will be the dreaded 5 year anniversary of their death. Every year is HARD but 5 just seems so long since I've seen their smiling faces, heard their encouraging words or simply had a parent tell me what to do or what they think. I originally thought I would go back to MI and get all of their hundreds of friends and family together at a park, have a band play amazing grace and let go hundreds of red and blue balloons into the sky. But then I started feeling overwhelmed of the sadness I may feel or bring to others by making it an "event". April 7th is not a celebration but I do find comfort in honoring their lives on a day that brings such darkness to my Family. So then, I thought I would get some of our friends and head back almost 6 years later to Nashville and run that race again. Now it's leaning toward Cincinnati, staying local and running the Cincinnati flying pig half marathon so more people could participate and be a part of their ongoing memory....but we will see....nonetheless, a run feels right. Nothing I do will ever measure up to the great loss and void I feel or how much they are missed but running is something they enjoyed watching me do for many years and something I am thankful for that has come back to me after several years of not making it a priority after they died.

The kids are getting so big. Harry is starting to say the names of his friends in his class...i remember when Elle did that...we had no idea she knew all of their names and all sudden she was telling us their first and last names. Harry is the social butterfly at school....his teachers refer to him as the "class greeter"....he is really happy and sweet at school. At home is very much a mama's boy and I find myself holding him a lot still. I guess I don't want to let go of that baby stage that is quickly slipping away......Elle is such a big girl now. She has tantrums and moments that make us want to pull our hair out but she is getting even more beautiful and smart. I cannot believe the vocabulary and knowledge of someone so tiny.We miss you everyday, Mom and Dad...

All my love.
Melissa

Fall 2012 is here.

I'm so tired....Ted's been traveling all week which means hustle and bustle!  The kids and I actually do just fine. We eat simple meals. We keep the house clean. We get our walks and nightly baths in. I make their lunches. I sneak a shower in. I work all day. And sing to them at night.
I love them and am grateful they are healthy and thriving...but (there's always a but), I HATE being alone. Ever since my Parents died, I hate being alone. The anxiety and attention on the fact that my Family is gone and I don't have Mom to call worsens when I am alone with the kids. It's just a bad feeling. During the week is better because we are busy and have a routine...but Sunday I just felt off.

I felt depressed and worried. I felt sad my Sister and I can't see eye to eye on the future of the lake. I know in my heart its in the best interest of all of us despite the heartache we'll face. It comes in waves...for the most part, I am doing just fine.

We're headed back to MI again this weekend to work on the lake again and hopefully meet our niece OR nephew. But I look forward to being home more this Fall....getting the house back in order, having our friends over for happy hour, doing some fun things with the kids for the Fall.....I love the Fall. It is by far my favorite season - as soon as Labor day was over....out comes the Fall decor and everything pumpkin. I love chillier nights, skinny jeans, boots, hoodies, pumpkin ale and a good fall chardonnay. I love anything orange - and all things for the home that smell like Fall (especially my company's new line of Glade seasonal candles!). Next week (my turn to be out and about) I have several fun little events - I am hosting a mixer at a very cool wine and food place with the Network of Executive woman. It's great to surround yourself with other woman in the industry who face the same juggles and challenges as a working Mom. We want to do it all....we try our best but many of us are at capacity. An evening out with great food and drink will be fantastic.

Another weekend on the road but Ted's parents are so good to us. Always have the home filled with everything the kids need, we get caught up on laundry and its always nice to see family especially when you are out of State. But, its never the same. I'll always long to have my Mom and Dad back.....will always face difficulty during any holiday or milestone. I have to keep reminding myself I can never change it.....but I can continue to honor their life and see them through Aydan, Elle and Harry.

Miss you guys. Wonder what you've been up to...wonder if you're worried about Grandpa.....or if you've looked over your siblings - we miss them.....or if you're watching Chris study late into the night.....did you catch Aydan on the first day of school? He's so big and handsome....
Do you watch me and laugh your ass off how I am running around like a crazy woman and still am as anal as I was when you were alive and about keeping my counter tops clean? Some things will never change.  Are you sad that we're sad? I know you want to be here but I hope it's not bothering you.  Think of you every day.

All my love,
Melissa