tired

I had the strangest dream last night. We were having Harry's birthday party which is actually approaching, however, the party took place at Mom and Dad's home in Allen Park. We were in the basement and garage. It was the house. Justin was even there - he was actually running up to the store to buy the lemonade for our signature drink. But he never brought the lemonade....I kept waiting and waiting and more people continued to arrive and we had nothing to drink. I saw Mom in the basement setting up the Mason jars and striped paper straws that I actually do have. I then randomly checked my phone in my dream and checked my email and Justin had emailed me that he would not be getting the lemonade and if I I could do it. It was so odd...I know it all ties together in some strange way...I'm emotional about Harry turning one and I wish my Parents were here...their void is even stronger during times like this.

I'm tired mentally. I don't know what to do anymore with the lake. It's ruining my relationship with my Sister. We are not seeing eye to eye. It breaks my heart my Parents favorite place is used so little, it's starting to having issues...we live 8 hrs away...I am trying to set the emotions aside (as hard as that is) and look at this practically. What they would want. They would never want us to take on all of this responsibility. Chris needs to be focusing on finishing RN school and Aydan....I just don't see how this could work. It is wearing me down. I never wanted to make the type of decisions at this stage in my life where I am raising my own family, early in my career....we just have too much going on along with the stresses and life changes we've experienced with death of my parents.

Ted went to spend the weekend with one of our best friends up in Canada - the kids and I have kept super busy but I am tired. Elle's buddy JR and his family was so kind to hang out with us pretty much all weekend...we had them over Friday for dinner, we saw them at Soccer Saturday morning then spent the evening at their house. It is most definitely not easy with two kids by yourself...I give ALL single Moms (including my Sister) such credit and strength. Harry is so easy and very chill but Elle has entered a little rough patch - she hates when its time to leave her friends and begins to throw tantrums. I wish my Mom was here to comment on this but I have a feeling I was very similar. She has a bit of an attitude and it can make ya crazy. But then she is the sweetest big Sister and was so well behaved when i took the kids to Striderite today to pick out water shoes for them. Though I have been lonely this weekend and have struggled with loneliness since Mom and Dad died, I thoroughly enjoy the one on one time with my beautiful kids. I am so blessed...ahhhh I so get it, I see it and I can feel it yet the hurt and pain comes through the blessed moments and sometimes I miss them. I wish it wasn't that way.

So looking forward to my husband returning and hopeully soon clarity is brought on what to do with the beloved lake-house. I miss my Sister.

All my love...

home

April was filled with sadness and remembrance....and I always look forward to May. We had visitors throughout the month and this was the first weekend we were home in Cincinnati with just our Family. Though Ted was still recovering from the flu, and Harry caught pink eye, we managed to have a great weekend around our neighborhood.....Elle cheered on the 19,000 runners going through our neighborhood for the flying pig marathon, went to the zoo and attended a friends of ours son's birthday party. Ted and I also snuck in a dinner night out while elle & harry stayed back with a sitter...in celebration of 9 years of marriage next week. It is so hard to believe it has been 9 years. I associate time with my parents death - and when they died we were planning our 5 year anniversary trip to ST JOHN and would be leaving the following month.....we almost cancelled that trip......I had such mixed feelings about going on a vacation after being completely traumatized. We will actually head back there next month, 4 years later. This time with a different perspective. Perhaps we will truly be able to take in the beautiful Island of ST JOHN. We cannot wait to take our children on their next adventure. 

These past 9 years of my life have been the most challenging and difficult but also the most rewarding, wonderful, blessed years of my life as well. I am so thankful my parents got to see me marry Ted and share all of the special moments with us...they laid the foundation for us and made us understand the true meaning of love and how important family and friends are. 

I look at these beautiful pictures and know how blessed I am.....though there is heartache, we have a life filled with purpose, love and wonderful memories and because of my parents death, we caught on very early in life the importance of all of this.  And we also received fantastic news from Christina Friday....she has officially passed her first year of RN school....it has been challenging as ever as a single Mom but we are crossing our fingers she can kick butt in year 2 starting in the Fall as she did this first year......I know my parents would be so proud.