fast

This weather has been incredible - 80s in March? With Spring forward, I can now go running after the kids go to bed. It's still light at 7:30 and our neighborhood is FILLED with runners - which is rather motivating. I counted 24 different runners just on my small run around the square and through our neighborhood. As I was running and changing the songs on my Ipod I thought of my Dad. And I ran faster. He never missed a track meet of mine throughout my years of running and he would always say to me "stop psyching yourself out! you are going to win!" His brother, my Uncle Stan and him were so proud that I could run fast. I don't why. I mean, I'm sure if I were good at soccer or a more exciting sport would have probably been a little more entertaining but there was something about track that I absolutely loved. And my Dad and my other family members got into it. I would glance up to the sky as I was running tonight thinking if Dad was watching over me...if he was still proud or if he's sad...sad that I'm sad and sad that he's missing being around us kids and his grandchildren. I have a real tough time with the whole "their watching over you". I'm just not totally sure I believe that part. I feel like they are sad watching me. Why wouldn't they rather be here? They didn't want to go yet. They weren't suffering, or getting old...they were living their life, young, just retired and happy.

I am good with this warmer than average weather....it's Summer weather and I would be totally OK if we skipped right through Spring.

On another note, prince Harry (no, not the one that is all over the news these days OUR prince Harry...) is 9 months old today! He is still SO chill and sweet. I've heard (and witnessed) boys can be busy bodies. I am still waiting for that. He is Mr. Chill. Still not "officially" crawling yet. He moves though and his teachers laugh at school "that boy will get everything he wants without crawling"...he'll reach, grab, scoot, roll, get on all fours, rock/bend without exerting too much energy. He is hilarious. I am in NO rush for crawling, walking and all that. I know it will come with time and the doc and I were chatting and he was saying how Elle was quite early on the verbal/cognitive skills side or whatever he said and that physical came a little later. Cool...I'm good with them being "thinkers" and a little more chill as it will all come with time and then you blink and they are RUNNING and saying goodbye to you. My last baby....he's growing much too fast. I feel so lucky to have gotten to experience having a BOY too. Harrison rocks.... I will never let him get married, I will likely be his college roommate & I will buy my retirement house in his neighborhood. Oh his wife will HATE me. I can't wait!

I'll worry about Elle, hoping she'll choose the "nice" guy, afraid she'll drive in cars with boys or with stupid people who drink & drive. I hope I'm not controlling. I hope I am like my Mom was to me. She was always there, super caring and sweet and really, really funny.

I am pretty sure I will be the "in your face, over-bearing, call 20 times a day, Mom". I'll just go ahead and apologize ahead of time. But I'll be funny. I'm not missing out on anything though...I sure hope I am always here for my kids. I never want them to do this without us. I look at me and Chris and how much we need our parents. Parents are a child's safety net...even long into adulthood.....I miss my Mom and Dad.

I need ya, Mom.

It was such a wonderful day and really FUN weekend... but it once again ends with anger and sadness. The weather was SO beautiful....after Ted went to the gym and I cleaned up around the house and got the kids fed lunch, Ted and I took the double stroller out and walked a few miles, stopped at my favorite store (lulu lemon) and bought some things all while the kids peacefully took their naps..then we ended at this quaint little popcorn shop by our house and we sat on the bench enjoying this gorgeous weather and loving our neighborhood. For those few hours, I felt SO normal. Life was good. I didn't have a huge void in my heart. Or the pain and worry for my brother. Our sweet kids....sleeping and breathing in fresh air was so peaceful to see.....Then bam. Disappointment. Easter weekend, the death of Mom and Dad....I had it all figured out....we would do a 5k walk with Ted's parents and my sister and the kids....we'd end in Hyde Park square, there would be champagne waiting for our little group. We'd let two balloons go for Mom and Dad. The day would be less sad by surrounding ourselves by people that love us and that we with us when we last saw Mom and Dad. Things change and I know the intentions are to not hurt us. Ted was hurt, I could tell....he went oustide and just cleaned out his car. I know he felt more bad for me. I miss my family. I was angry. No one will ever understand. I hate that we have one set of parents.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I want my parents too with Ted's parents...they both would be great together and one of them would always be here...then I wouldn't have to hope, wish, or ever be sad or let down. I would totally get it. And would be okay because we would never be alone for anything special. Someone would always be there for special occasions, to be there when we came back to MI to run over to kiss and hug the kids to see how much they've grown. My expectations would be lower and my heart wouldn't hurt so bad.

I hate Spring. This is when I shut down and I seriously don't want to talk to anyone until June. I know I cannot do that and no one at work will ever know there is a thing wrong with me and I really will get through this "season" just like I always do. And I have such fun things planned with friends & family over the next few months to look forward to. But it's the little things like these past few weeks that makes me want to scream... I don't want the pity and don't expect or want that! But I do want love and understanding especially for my kids. Maybe during certain parts of the year we do need a little more love?? I can't expect that though. No one can live up to that and if I think that way, I will be let down. I can't make family stop by to see the kids. They have to want to and it needs to be important to them. And not everyone feels the same way about the death of my parents. while they loved them dearly, it doesn't have the same impact nor should it.

I so appreciate my Sister, we have our issues....I wish I didn't treat her like a child. I feel I have to be her Mom even though she doesn't want that. She works her ass off, is a single Mom with no one at all to support her, and yet that girl will spend her last dime on gas to come to visit when we are in town. I hope I can always return the favor and to make sure her and Aydan know how much they are loved and how important they are. She is cranking through school and I cannot wait for her to graduate one day and be an official RN. She is so close. She can do this. I continue to be so proud of my Aydan too.

We'll be fine. Ted will get over this. We take deep breathes. No one will ever really understand the void, what we are missing in our lives. Some look at us and think we have the perfect life and family and we sure do.....god we are so blessed. I look at these kids every day and feel so thankful but this loss has changed our way of thinking. I think we expect too much. I guess this time I was just hoping and praying it would be known....we'd needed someone. It's a tough weekend. We wanted to do something special. I am sick of being sad. everything else about our life is amazing.......I have to keep looking at that stuff....our kids, our home, our careers, our travels, our friends...we'll keep me making an effort the best way we know how. All I want is togetherness, strong bonds between our family and friends that are connected to our children and their children and that everyone puts in effort and love. I keep talking about this. I cannot solve this or fill this void in my heart. Maybe one day I will wake up and realize this.

I miss you Mom and Dad. I am having a real shitty night after an amazing day. I just need you guys here to fix it. I want you to be in our lives.......how do I handle this? how can I stop getting so disappointed??

All my love,

Melissa