thankful

I love having my family at my home....a sense of comfort comes over while they are here...like your parents do, your Aunt and Uncle care about you and your children a great deal especially when you are as a close to my Aunt as I am and the fact that she had such a special bond with my Mom and Dad makes it even more important that the closeness remains. I can be myself. I can say what I want. They feel comfortable in my home. They are proud of me. I SO miss that. I miss more than anything having my Parents around and seeing me as a Mom and seeing all of the good things that Ted and I are doing and the parents and people we have become over the last 3 1/2 years...having family/siblings of my Parents around makes it less painful...

We walked to our town square Friday evening, saw the decorations and lights up making Hyde Park look even more quaint and festive ....after Elle confirmed she didn't like Santa, we headed into the local coffee/wine shop and split a bottle of wine and chatted while Elle ate cookies and milk and Harry smiled at everyone that walked by. It was nice and relaxing. My Aunt and Uncle like being where the action is...they enjoy our town. Saturday Ted made a wonderful Turkey and I made a bunch of sides and dessert...and we just relaxed and enjoyed each other's company. I got to do a little shopping around with Harry and my Aunt...again, just really nice to spend time with my own Family....a breathe of much needed "fresh air".

Dad, were you laughing or pissed off when I screamed at Ted as he picked up the turkey to transfer it to the platter and grease dropped all over MY counter? I know you would have been in the kitchen all weekend cooking if you were here. You always got mad and defensive when I was overbearing with Ted "I'm outta here". I haven't changed ( just in case you were wondering!). You would be so proud of your big sister...she's about done with her Masters degree and is considering a PHD...pretty impressive over 50.... she is truly reinventing herself. I look at our family- many of us suffered great pain from your loss and yet we are still honoring your lives by remaining close, enjoying each other, smiling at your pictures or laughing and at times crying- when we reminisce. I am proud to be a part of this Family. We are not perfect. Some are stronger than others....some have held it in......but we are doing okay, Dad. Tell Mom your Sister and I put a huge dent in the "Belgian" chocolates and cookies Aunt Diann always brings and that we went back for seconds of the pumpkin creamy pie....things haven't changed here with the love for desserts. I remember when we were all together 4 years ago at the house for fake thanksgiving.....such a memorable weekend....you were missed.

The kids are great. My heart breaks that a happy, adorably cute kiddo like Harry continues to get colds and such.....the first year is SO tough from a sickness perspective. I am staying home (again) tomorrow...this too shall pass.....and it could be so much worse. There are really sick children out there....but it still makes me sad. I would be calling you to tell you about it. You would feel sad too and would want to fix it. Elle talks nonstop, I think she is like me in that way....BUT has totally turned into a Daddy's girl since Harrison. Their favorite tradition has become Saturday Dunkin Donut runs.....chocolate munchkins (I pick my battles)...they both get such enjoyment out of that little time together.

I will miss you both this Thanksgiving...my heart will ache as I sit at the table looking around at everyone and knowing my Family is gone and thinking of Justin alone at the hospital......I will do my best to smile and be thankful for what I had and still hold onto in my heart and for all of the blessings I have received this year with the birth of Harrison and the continued joy Elle brings into my life. And Chris is rocking nursing school. She'll get it done, Mom and Dad...I can feel it.

Thankful for you both and all you have done to make me the person I am today,

Melissa

say hello to her

I remember my friend mentioning her name and story one day when we were walking over maternity leave...."diagnosed with a rare form of lung cancer, 31 years old, 6 month year old daughter". I thought, wow...that is terrible but thinking in my head she would make it, they would find a cure. Surely she won't die THAT young and leave her little daughter and husband....

Well, this weekend I received a text message that 7.5 months later after her diagnosis, she passed....a very hard battle......I read a blog post from her youngest Sister the day after she died. I balled my eyes out. She seemed like the most amazing person, beautiful, young, a new Mom, a handsome husband, great family and friends and a person who really gave back to the World and had such strong faith. A person who had an all Holiday Christmas tree up. Her entire family was by her side when she passed. I read the words of her Sister's blog and while I was crying because I could relate (not to her story particularly) but to the fresh pain of those early days of the tragedy, I have no idea what it would have been like to be there. Those early days are shocking, painful and filled with disbelief that "this" could ever happen to "your" family. As I continued to read on about watching her sister take her very last breath and how her daughter was only a year and 1/2 was outside of the hospital room sleeping in someone's arms. She has no idea......her Mom just died and while it seems she has so many loving family members surrounding her, she will never know what it's like to have a Mom. She'll only hear through family and pictures and videos....it sounds like she left such a legacy....I pray her daughter will grow up always feeling presence from her Mom and that she continues to be a huge part of her life. From not even knowing these people and only hearing this all through a friend and a blog, it seems their family was so close........it just hit home for me. I was envious (how dare I say that) that they all got to say goodbye, as painful as it was. They got to hold her hand and hug her and love her and say everything imaginable that you ever wanted to say. And now, because her death was somewhat expected, of course not this soon, but they get to plan a funeral filled with honoring her life and her amazing courage and love for life during a horrific battle. I think back to my parent's funeral. There is so much more I wish we would have done....it was too tragic though but to this family- their story is just as tragic just in a different way. Ugh, death is so hard and when I hear heartbreaking stories such as this they always impact me pretty deeply. I thought about this person who died so young all weekend, I prayed for her Mom and Dad and Husband and Daughter.....how heartbreaking. I know how terribly hard the Holidays will be this year and for many to come. I wish I could hug them and tell them they will eventually be "okay" maybe never the same, but they will get through it and continue to live their lives but will always carry heartache that many will never understand. They will smile and laugh again, I promise.

In the blog she was asking her Sister if Heaven was everything she had imagined...clouds that look like pink cotton candy......I wonder that, too. My faith has been questioned. I want to believe so badly that my Family and this beautiful girl, and my grandparents are in a magical place but it will never replace the deep sadness of wishing they were here. Sometimes I don't care how beautiful Heaven is suppose to be- we needed them here.....I hugged my kids extra tight this weekend....I cannot imagine dying at this age and leaving behind my babies. Missing their entire life....and I also think about how I never want my kids to be as sad as I am about missing their Mom and Dad. I never want them to miss us and avoid happiness and joy at times because they are so consumed that we are not there. I want to raise them to believe and know Ted and I will always be there, no matter what happens. Even when we're long gone....I want them to know we are still there, living through them. Who knows...maybe that's what my parents are wishing for me right now. Maybe they are really sad looking down and seeing how much I miss them. All I want is for them to meet my kids and see me as a Mom. I'm all grown up now in just 3 1/2 years. And just like this family will soon come to face, you won't believe how fast time passes and as you get further and further away from their death, you start to forget what their voice sounded like or what they smelled like when they would hug you....I hate that part. I miss you Mom and Dad.....say hello to this new person up there.....she seemed like an amazing, beautiful, girl.

All my love and hope,

Melissa