33 weeks...

This has been another good pregnancy so far. We have been on the go and haven't had any issues....with that said, I could not be more excited to be home in Cincinnati now for the home stretch.....there is so much to do from landscaping to getting carpets cleaned to painting the baby room to ordering fabric for curtains to washing baby clothes and to continue getting more organized.....we will get it all done but I have a feeling this baby is coming early. I really hope I can make it till June but it's up to him and God. I would love to have a June baby mainly because it's my Dad and godchild's birthday month and also Father's Day- June is all things BOY to me.

Easter was good in MI I will say but there were moments where I had to stop and take a deep breath or I would have lost it. We haven't been back to MI for the Easter Holiday since we last spent it with my Parents at my in-laws. But I wanted to be there for my Sister-in-laws shower and to see my Sister so I knew it was the right thing to do. I will say this till the day I die but its so hard not having your own family and home to go to. I am blessed with loving, generous in-laws but they will never be my own parents. It's just the way it is. Elle adores them and is so comfortable at their home and they welcome my Sister and nephew and I just know how much my Parents would appreciate this. I know it would break their hearts if we didn't have anyone to spend the holidays with and I know it would be comforting to them knowing we are still surrounded by love, family and friends. Mom's birthday was on the 22nd and I had Aydan that day so I baked a cake with the kids and let both Aydan and Elle decorate and frost the cake. It was a special moment talking with Aydan about Gamma and her birthday. He remembers baking with her and licking the beaters. It's still so hard to accept she's gone. We talk about her love for baking and all of these traditions as if she were 80 years old.....but no, she was 50 and her life as a Grandmother was just beginning. My heart breaks when I think of all they are missing. Justin turns 30 on Friday. My parents will have missed all of their children's 30th birthdays.....Mom loved birthdays and I know she would have made his day a special one. I miss my brother and family every day...I try to focus on all of the positive in our life....another healthy pregnancy.......but I will say, it's hard to focus on the pregnancy when there is so many other things to think about but I have thought about it a lot more this around. This pregnancy has been different . With Elle, it was shock after 2 months of my Parents being gone......here I was pregnant. I think I was looking for anything to take my mind off their tragic death through the baby shower and planning, etc. Now I have time, (I think I have moved toward acceptance that they're gone just not how they died and how traumatic it was)to enjoy all of my pregnant friends and neighbors that I am experiencing this amazing process with.....one of the most special friends of mine just had her baby Easter evening. She is one I spoke to through email, text or phone daily. We would miss each other while away on our different baby moons or work travel, we would talk about our weight gain, hormones, baby room decor, you name it....we covered it. And, I also felt so comfortable confiding in her with my biggest fears or family struggles I'd be facing that week (or particular day). She has been a great support system strongly due to us both expecting a child. It brought us closer as friends and for that I am thankful. I am also so grateful for the relationship with my Sister-in-law, I also feel her and I have grown closer due to this bond we have of both expecting the next Close baby in the same month. Pretty exciting and I so look forward to having cousins grow up the same age even though we live out of State. We will cherish the Holidays when we get to see them.....

I'm officially 33 weeks now and 5 days.....I took a walk tonight after putting Elle down. I was more tired than normal and am definitely not as fast......but I feel fine. While I have some anxiety, I cannot wait to meet this little guy......I so want to hear that he is healthy and then I will be beyond thrilled to announce his beautiful, meaningful name to the World in hopes my Parents and Grandparents are gleaming with pride and joy from above....yet wishing they were here to take away any sadness we feel due to their loss......

And the countdown begins....

Mommy of 2 to be

missing friends

Rough few days emotionally, I miss my friends who live all over the place but I am thankful we all make such an effort to see everyone whenever possible...vacations, weekend trips, or over dinner....anyway to spend time with each other and see our children together too. I have great friends from Pennsylvania, Michigan, Arizona, Washington DC, Paris, and so many other places. I am confident through these last three years; the joyful and tearful times- I wouldn't have gotten through them without my friends. There's no competition, jealousy, just love, support and happiness for one another. I am so thankful. It's funny, when I think about my week and that it was rough......it had nothing to do with work (work's great) or being a pregnant Mommy or anything like that which would normally a cause for a stressful week- its stress about people I care about that are hurting and I can't help either one of them. I miss one of them very much and I pray one day they will return to the person they used to be. I can't bring my Mom and Dad back but I feel this pressure to keep their entire Family together. But I know I cannot fix anyone or take responsibility and make them happy. My Sister and I are not capable of this.

Minus the sadness of our family tragedy, I am by far one of the luckiest people alive. Funny how that worked out. Thank god I am blessed in other ways through my daughter, my healthy pregnancy, my career, our beautiful home, the adventures we have been on, the childhood I experienced, and as I have mentioned above, my friendships......I will invest in them until the day I die....you get let down at times but you know they will be there when it really counts. That is the gift of friendship.

Enjoyed a few sips of REAL red wine this evening, ate a great meal and dessert...and looking forward to the gym tomorrow morning and a birthday party for miss Elle's friend Mia. We joined a catholic church down the street from us. I have been before with my Aunt when in town- we cry......we are going as a Family Sunday- Ted, Elle and I. We want to get the baby boy baptized here as a Catholic (well, mainly it was important to me) so we are going to check it out and see if we feel comfortable. The smell instantly reminds me of my childhood and going every Sunday with my Family but I also think of my Parents funeral. Flowers and the smell of a catholic church instantly brings that day back....but I want to get through it....

babymoon 2011

April 7th has passed and our babymoon is now over.....still a tough month emotionally as we come upon the days I would rather not relive such as their funeral and then of Mom and Justin's birthday. Just sad to think of their age and the fact that we are no longer together as a Family. I miss having my own Family. It's so strange for my Sister and I without our immediate family alive. I think some take for granite they have a place to go home to for Christmas, birthdays, and to share the joy of their own children. It's the loneliest feeling yet we still have great deal of love from so many people. I think the days in April will always be a struggle yet I feel blessed I can still live on through the pain. The babymoon was incredible, the time spent with our dear friends was priceless....I cherished the walks every morning with one of my best friends and long dinners in the evening laughing and talking about life. Elle was safe in MI with Gramma and Grampa- she never even knew we were gone.....she was so comfortable there and I am grateful we have Grandparents who love spending the time with her. I know how badly my Parents would want to be here. It kills me to think that my Mom knows she is missing this. I almost don't want her seeing us down here but then of course I do.....

After coming home from the babymoon, my Sister coordinated a fun dinner with our friends so we could see everyone before the baby comes along. We enjoyed cake and cookies made especially for Baby boy Close and Gramma was sweet to help out with drinks and appetizers for everyone. It was a great evening....

I am 31 weeks along now, 60 days to go. We need to get cranking on this baby room and get organized! I have several projects to complete in the next two months.

Here's a glimpse into some of our memories......I am so lucky to have added another beautiful vacation to the memory bank.

Thinking of my Mother and Father this April and every day beyond. A painful month that reminds us how you left the world....it still breaks my heart and causes stress to think that you're really gone.