an end to another Summer...

And just like that......Summer is almost coming to an end. This Summer went by quick but it was filled with nothing short of great memories with Elle, not enough time to see my nephew, and moments and times such as my birthday and our family vacation of great sadness and still anger that my parents continue to not be here for all of this, but I know this will continue into the next Season......

As I reflect on the Summer I think of all of the places I got to visit (Florida, Harrison-MI, Chicago and Hilton Head) and many memories that will get stored for a rainy day....such as Aydan's 7th birthday, Tom and Jess's wedding with family, seeing my girlfriend and meeting her son for the first time, a 4th of July spent with family at the lake on the dock, my girlfriend's baby shower and "girlfriend time", a weekend getaway in Chicago for a good friend, not being able to find a free weekend to celebrate our Summer birthdays with my Sister, and lastly a peaceful and beautiful week long vacation in Hilton Head with good friends and my Aunt & Uncle.........We continue to enjoy keeping busy, seeing new places and things and always making time for friends and family. Looking forward to seeing what Fall has in store........DC is on the list and looking forward to a special project being revealed and coming to life.......

This weekend we enjoyed a picnic with friends at our favorite local park and a night with our wonderful college pal after cheering on his soccer team to victory-OU vs Xavier!

Other than Miss Elle being covered in bug bites and watching the poor thing having discomfort, it was a pretty good weekend and while I always have such incredibly mixed feelings, I am so looking forward to a weekend up at the lake over Labor Day. Labor Day will always remain a special Holiday as it was the last time I was up-north with my parents.....

I can't wait to see friends, my Sister and Aydan, and enjoy a glass of wine on the dock and breath that fresh Harrison air....

Summer vacation

After a full week of vacation with our fantastic friends at my Aunt and Uncle's beautiful home in Hilton Head, I feel grateful to have spent the time with people I love dearly. My parents were right, Hilton Head is fabulous and it meant even more to me that we went there knowing how much my parents enjoyed several trips to the Island to visit my Aunt and Uncle........

My Aunt and Uncle's homes in both Atlanta and in Hilton Head were so beautiful and we feel so lucky to have them in our lives. They welcomed our dear friends into their home and the set up was perfect for the kids, we thank them for this. My girlfriend and I have agreed a house is the only way to vacation these days now that we have children. We rented a home in FL last year and I am beyond happy that we were able to pull off another summer vacation with them. It was an amazing time to see the kids all together and I look forward to spending more time with all of them and hope our annual vacation becomes a lifelong tradition.........they were such an amazing family to travel with... so thoughtful, generous, laid back and fun....it meant more then you will ever know that you spent the week with Ted, Elle and I and that you got to know my Aunt and Uncle even better. We love you all so very much........you continue to inspire me as a new Mom and person. Thanks for your continued support and friendship.

I could not possibly sum up the vacation in a few paragraphs but as we made our drive home today after stopping through Atlanta last night- I thought of some of my most favorite memories...

• Finally getting to see my Aunt's new homes in both Atlanta and Hilton Head- my eyes watered seeing pictures of dad, my grandparents, us as a family and reading the guest book that my parents signed exactly a year before they died. They had such a great time with family.....I really missed my parents this week....Nicky and I both signed right under my parents in the guestbook......
• Pizza night the first evening we arrived in Hilton Head; my Aunt, Uncle, Ted and I sat around their beautiful kitchen island (the runway) and caught up on life
• Staying up late..... drinking wine....talking......
• Walking along the harbor with the lighthouse in the background and for a moment, watching our daughters hold hands for a picture.....where has the time gone......I think back to roommates in Chicago and here were are...family vacations with our children
• Preparing the "welcome home party" for the boys who spent the day catching dinner...okay so it wasn't a party but we did have a tray of margaritas waiting to celebrate that we would be eating fresh fish for dinner
• loading up the car for a day at the beach several times....timing their naps, making sure they had lunch, getting all the sand off of them, swimming in the ocean.......taking deep breathes as I tried to take it all in that I was on vacation with my dear friends and family...
• Lunch at Salty dog cafe and enjoyed a yummy frozen drink with friends while trying to keep our kids busy so we could at least get a few bites of our food in~we then of course, picked up tees for us all
• Watching miss Elle try to eat a sandwich on the beach...it reminded me of my childhood at the lake. Mom always packed us sandwiches for the beach....
• waking up, drinking coffee, in my Aunt and Uncle's beautiful home......eating Nicky or Ted's yummy pancakes and planning what we would do for the day.....most likely, "beach day"
• Our last evening spent with Mark and Nicky and we had the awesome chance to celebrate their 5th year anniversary with them- Ted cooked us a great meal and we popped open a nice bottle of champagne and stayed up late laughing so hard we had tears.......
• Dinner with just my Aunt and I.......we laughed, started to cry, covered about every topic imaginable........we have had a rough two years as a family and the heartbreak continues but yet, we still cherish every moment spent and it brought me moments of peace as I sat there knowing how happy this would make my Mom and Dad.....here we are two and half years later......Mom and Dad and Grandpa are gone......and here my Aunt and I sit, in Hilton Head, enjoying dinner and some wine providing comfort for one another....

I continue to be incredibly blessed for all of the beautiful places I continue to see but most importantly I feel so lucky to have wonderful friends and my own family to share these memories with...........my parents are always with me...........and they have made me the person I am today. The pain remains but the joy is slowly coming back in......I have accepted, well sort of, that there will be really good and really bad days still........I know this....

i wonder what that was like

Oh here we go again I say to myself with a sigh.......my Sister is growing up. Ok, so she's had to grow up faster then most her age. She turns 27 tomorrow....

She's stronger then most and I couldn't have done half the things she has done over the past two years. I often think of what it would be like to be in her shoes. Yes, we are both my parent's daughters, but she's done the hard stuff and has experienced so much pain yet joy that I often cannot wrap my head around. My Mother was in the labor & delivery room when Aydan was born. Mom cut the cord. I wonder what that was like? Mom videotaped Aydan's 1st year of life and got to celebrate 4 birthdays with him. I wonder what that was like? An hour after picking her Son up from Mom and Dad's, she got the call that they were shot by our brother. I wonder what that was like? My Mom's little baby girl, had to walk into a hospital room, at the young age of 24, and see her Mother lying in a bed, lifeless, gone, in a tragic state and surrounded by police with the news of what happened to Dad too. I never, ever, want to know what this was like.....

My heart aches every single day thinking of what she has had to suffer. The worst images imaginable. The painful reality through her own eyes. Telling her child that Gama and Papa are gone.........if I thought of all of her sadness and pain, along with my own every single day, I don't think I could get out of bed.

My Sister will never have that joy of calling up Mom and Dad when she one day gets engaged. Won't have Dad to walk her down the aisle or parents to celebrate all of the milestones that comes with Grandchildren. But she has something more then anyone could ever know or imagine; strength and courage. And while I know she still has really sad days and days where she doesn't know what to do with my brother, and is overwhelmed with work, school, being a mom, and having little support-she somehow has this ability to look at the brighter things in life. She does such a better job at this then me. She's more caring and sensitive then me. She spends more time with patients then most Nurses would ever want to and would stop traffic to save a turtle if she could. My Sister, Christina, drives me absolutely nuts about so many things and I will continue to try and micro manage her life for as long as I possibly can, but I hope she knows how much she is loved. She will always be the baby of the family. We have and always will worry about her. I think everyone always worries about the baby and they're the biggest pain too.... ..She had such a closeness with Mom, and while her and Dad had their arguments through the tough years, Dad took her young pregnancy the best out of everyone. Dad made the phone call to me, not my Sister or Mom...my Dad called me to break the news.... He said to me, "we can get through this". Thanks Dad and thanks Mom for bringing her into this world.............we miss you every day.

Sisters.....definitely one of life's greatest gifts.

Happy Birthday, to my Sister. I will be hoping she doesn't read this. But I feel like I am sending her some happiness and strength even if she never does.....she will always know she is loved!

so many other ways

Another birthday celebrated without my family.....my Aunt sent me something today and while it sounded so lovely, I struggled to do it.....but it's gotten better as the day goes on.

Just for the day,
Merriment vs Melancholy
Enjoyment vs Endurance
Lighthearted vs Loads + Loads of Life
Inspiration vs Immersion in Stuff
Silly vs serious
Simple vs sensational
Awe vs analysis
Just for the day....celebrate with all of us who love you.

Any birthday, celebration or Holiday remains difficult. I don't jump out of bed anymore with glee that it's "my birthday". I look at it now, "ugh, another birthday without having my Mom to call me or another birthday without mom and dad to come down to celebrate, or even to receive a card from them". I just can't kick it and I don't think anyone else could either! I really don't. It's the strangest feeling to celebrate your birthday when the people who brought you into the world were tragically killed and you know so badly they would want to be here to celebrate. I think I must accept these celebrations will always be bittersweet. They're sweet because MY beautiful Mom gave birth to ME. I was her darling little girl, snobby teenager, track star turned independent married woman. They were proud and they would still be today. I know it... but none of this makes it easier. I want them here. A friend said something very true to me today though. She said she was amazed at the amount of fantastic friends that I have always been surrounded by. True, real, caring friends. I am lucky in so many other ways.

My husband has celebrated with me for the last week since I knew he would be gone on my actual birthday to LA. He baked me a cake from scratch, a fabulous dinner, then another "French inspired" meal last night, a cake made out of flowers was sent to my office, gift cards left in my lab top to surprise me (even though I have shopped several times AND got a speeding ticket that was suppose to be my birthday gift!). I am blessed in so many other ways.

I will celebrate today with my Elle, with a heavy heart, thinking of the people who brought me into the world, but also thinking of everyone (fantastic friends, family, co-workers) that continue to make my days a little brighter. I'm getting older and you never know when your last day will be. I pray I can one day find peace and acceptance and live life with little Elle and everyone around me to the fullest. It's difficult though and I look for strength to be sent to my family and I every day!

I had to post the picture of me opening up a card from my Mom and Dad on my very last birthday spent with them. What a fun day that was...we went to the water park and Mom and I floated on tubes on a lazy river with my cousin.......then, Ted, Dad, Mom and I met my friends out and we celebrated the night away in Cincinnati.

Happy birthday to me. I still have so many things to be thankful for in life.....I have more then most even though some days I feel like my entire world has crumbled. Motherhood has come so easy to me even while dealing with the hurt and sadness. Today, I am proud of ME.

early birthday dinner

We had special guests arrive on Friday afternoon, the newly married Uncle Tom and Aunt Jess....they made a quick stop as they headed back to MI from FL......we showed them around our little neighborhood....grabbed a coffee then took Elle by the fountain, then hit up my Dad's favorite place- our local little pub for a beer, then back to the house for some appetizers and wine. Once we put Elle to bed, Ted cooked us a special early birthday dinner for Jess and I and we finished the evening with his homemade cake and chocolate butter cream frosting from scratch. My Mom would be just be in awe. He bakes. And his stuff is good.

It was a nice night but much too quick. We see them very little with us all living out of state and we'll see them only for a few days over Christmas. It's a bummer being away from everyone but we definitely enjoy our time much more when we actually get the chance to see each other and we try to make it a special occasion. We have become stronger individuals by doing this on our own and have wonderful friends and a fun little life going here in Cincinnati but we miss our friends and family all of the time and we look forward to the next adventure with them.

We keep ourselves really busy....always something fun to look forward to. It's the only way I can still go on is be busy and be around people I enjoy. I'll be in Chicago this weekend for an entire weekend of girls, shopping, dinners, drinks, in one of my favourite cities that I have lived in. It will stink to be away from Miss Elle but I am thankful to be able to leave quite often for night or two and she does really well with Daddy and has done well with Ted's parents in the past so it makes it nice. And then the following weekend, the trip I have been waiting for all Summer since FL, is the adventure to Hilton Head. I finally get to see this beautiful place my Parents admired for several years as they would visit my Aunt and Uncle. The best of both worlds; friends AND family time. My girlfriend and I have been planning out dinners to make and talking about things we want to do. It will be a great way to end the Summer......

I miss my Mom and Dad every hour of every day . It's the hardest thing to explain when you miss someone so badly that you know or have to eventually accept, that you won't ever see them again, here on Earth. It's a miserable feeling yet we are so blessed in so many other aspects of our life....yet, it never seems enough. All of the good hasn't been enough these past two years. But we keep "living on" and taking all of the fun in while keeping the sadness and memories they left behind with us along the way....

Wow, August is here. So many birthdays this month and I will be the BIG 3-1 in just a few short days.....yikes...

Love,

Melissa