Where are you Christmas?

It is hard to believe Christmas is this Sunday.....I cried when I heard that song by Faith Hill "where are you Christmas". I've been asking myself that question for 3 and 1/2 years, I've lost so much Christmas spirit since their death. I know they wouldn't want this. Another year gone by without Mom and Dad. Another beautiful, healthy child born who is now 6 months old who brings so much joy to my life. Another year of missing my parents smiling faces, their love, support and encouragement...I am definitely getting used to this new life-without an immediate family unit-while it's lonely, I cherish the memories made and the family I still have. But I get really homesick around the Holidays. Everyone around me (I feel) is hustling and bustling to prepare for the whirlwind of the Holidays...sure, I had to buy presents for our family and wrap and put some thought into what I would buy for everyone and decorate and we hosted a Christmas happy hour and we baked Christmas cookies...but it's different since my Parents have passed. I think of the Holiday differently. They don't feel the same. I no longer have to plan out the Holidays, we head back to the Close's and stay there the entire break. No leaving for my Parents house Christmas day or talking with my Mom several times throughout the day about the family gift exchange, when I am going to help her with cheesecakes this year (I mainly was there for support of licking the bowls), or coordinating when we would get together with the Close Family (she had them to our house for Christmas day the last Christmas they were alive). While I am blessed to have my own family now and to create new traditions within, it's difficult and very different for me to accept the new norm....I miss sharing the Holidays with my Family. I can only imagine the joy Aydan, Elle and Harrison would bring to my their life and how it would brighten their Holidays up even more. Mom loved Christmas...decked the house out, baked every cookie and cheesecake imaginable, always had the door open on Christmas day for friends and family to drop by....everyone would be popping in to see the grand kids. Not only did I lose Mom and Dad, we lost a lot of their friends too....we just don't have that opportunity now to gather like we did...

With all of that said, I am blessed to spend Christmas eve with the Close Family, my Sister, and our friends and to be able to wake up Christmas morning with my beautiful, healthy kids, a home filled with gifts, food and lots of love...we are spoiled Christmas morning! I know many people are suffering and sad this Holiday Season for losing loved ones. I think back to my friend's friend that died in November of cancer in her early 30's....she won't be there to watch her daughter open presents this Christmas. Her husband must be feeling such sadness....I don't even know them but I am praying they find some peace and comfort over the next week and that memories of her bring smiles to their face. Also, my two best friends lost people this week....a Grandfather and an Aunt. I know how much extended family means to me even more so after losing mom and dad. My grandfather is now the glue of the family. My heart goes out to them and their families. I pray Mom and Dad welcome all of these wonderful people into Heaven.....but I know all of us that have lost loved ones know we would much rather have them here with us. As magical I would like to believe Heaven is, doesn't take away the sadness. It's a really emotional time. I want nothing more than to share my children with my Parents.

I am also thinking of my brother and all anyone fighting mental illness in their family. He's making progress and has learned so much about his condition. I will see him on the 30th to bring him dinner and to celebrate a late Christmas. This will be the second time I see him. It's very difficult but I am able to separate him to what he did. That was not my brother and he was very sick. My anger is toward the medication and illness of mental illness not at my brother. I know that's hard for many people to understand but if I thought about him actually taking my Parents life- which I did for the first two years, I would live in such fear and would keep myself away from him to protect my feelings and sadness. I need to accept his illness and do my best to one day accept the way they died. But as I am learning through therapy, that part will always be there...it was too tragic to forget it or to deny it happened. But it will lessen with time but there will always be tears...

Merry Christmas to my Family in Heaven- you are missed everyday, my Brother who will be lonely this Christmas, anyone out there who has lost somebody they loved this year...and to all of my loved ones and friends who provide support, friendship and love to me throughout the year. I end this year thankful....thankful for the beautiful trips I took this year, the visits with friends, the birth of my Son and the sweetness he brings to my life, watching Elle grow into a beautiful smart almost 3 year old, spending time with my Grandfather who is healthy and enjoying his life after heartache, another great year at SC Johnson filled with a promotion and another best in class award, Ted's career change to a World Class organization, my nephew's success in Soccer and Hockey and lastly, I am thankful my Sister has passed her first semester of Nursing School.

All my love and hope for another year filled with blessings and success...and that my parents memory lives on and that 2012 brings us closer to peace....

Melissa

Chicago

Even though Ted traveled extensively this last year and even more so after Harrison was born, I feel terrible leaving the two kids when traveling for business. It's harder for Men. They at times don't know the little tricks and stress over multi-tasking. I have a system in the morning when he is gone. It's a lot of work but its manageable if you plan right. Evenings are tough. You walk through the door at 6pm, both kids need to eat, be changed, bathed, Grace needs to eat and go out, their bags need to be unpacked.....it's a long day for the kids at school so I always hold Harrison while trying to get everything done. I am thankful, though, that I am rewarded at work for my hard work and dedication for the business and company. I was awarded last week- the best in class award- for my team. I had a really good year but it was even more exciting because it was the year I was pregnant and welcomed a new baby to the World, a time where some shift priorities and yet I somehow managed to get it all done. This is a great place to work and leaving the kids all day will always be hard but at least its for a good reason and to give them a wonderful life with options. I hope I have the ability one day to take them on tours to any college they would like to attend.

We hosted a nice Holiday happy hour with our friends this past weekend & I ran the church Christmas party for St Marys on Sunday which was a success and the busy weekends won't stop until the New Year which is how I like it during this time of the year. The key for me is to keep busy. It's when I stop, hear a sad Christmas Carol, looking at my Mom's tree, that the painful reminder of my family missing returns. It comes in waves. I see pictures of Aydan, Elle and Harrison and while I am so proud of what amazing children they are- I am SO sad my Parents cannot be here to share these special memories with us all.

We have Ted's new companies' Christmas party this Friday and then breakfast with Santa and some of Elle's friends on Saturday at the sports club. Following weekend we get to head back to MI for our annual Griswold Christmas party with our best of friends.....look forward to spending time with everyone as we approach the end of another year....

En route to Chicago today. Hoping to make a stop on Magnificent Mile and enjoy a fun, trendy, dinner out with a co-worker after a long day of training! Chicago is my favorite city and I know it will look very festive and all lit up! I have so many cherished memories from living in Chicago out of College, having my Parents visit, being engaged, having such fun with my roomate Nicky.....

All my love,
Melissa