Wow.....it's getting harder and harder to find 20 minutes to reflect on my thoughts and feelings and write a blog entry. This is important to me yet hard at the same time. When I think and reflect, it mainly turns to sadness...I really miss having a Mom and Dad. There's no reason to even explain myself anymore...I think everyone could probably understand, even for a minute, how hard it is without them. I want them to be a part of all of this...I really have missed being a daughter even more so lately as I watch these beautiful kids of mine grow. I don't watch them enough...I wish I could just be a Mom, a friend, a sister, a wife.....but I can't.....there's all of "this" to deal with. It's always there. My parents were murdered by my brother. Will this ever subside?
My maternity leave is literally flying by. Thursday it will be September...and I go back at the end of the month. My heart breaks to think of leaving this sweetheart. He is such an amazing baby. I peaked in there just a few minutes ago and the kid was seriously sleeping with a smile on his face. He's an angel. My parents would love and care for him as much as I do. He's still sleeping a lot...smiling, likes the swing, lying in his crib under the mobile, taking walks but mainly being held and eating, eating, eating. I know I am lucky to have this time off with him and I wish with all of my heart I could just focus on that. Teddy has been traveling like crazy...in week long increments....Ever since my parents died, I don't do too well being alone, I always want something to do, plans must be made.....my therapist says that is how I have dealt with things....I keep myself busy and surrounded by people to perhaps mask some of this. I agree some of that is true, but I have always liked being surrounded by friends and family....I have never been a homebody.
As I reflect on the last few months since we had Harrison....this has been a nice leave....really hot...but I got to do several things I said I would...visit DC and drink wine at a local cafe with my friend and our boys, spend a week up at the lake and had the most amazing visitors (the Hinderberger family...their visit made my week), and of course we hosted our first real grown up party (catered, a tent and all!) and witness our Son be baptized in our own church....this is our home now as much at times I want to deny that even though I love it here dearly....I still want my parents place to run "home too". I was so honored my Grandfather was here to represent my Mom...and that my Mom's sister flew in from Texas and Dad's Sister from Atlanta and our siblings less my brother, and our friends Melissa and Nick. We are still surrounded by so much love....being near my Parent's family makes their void less painful for that given moment because I know without a doubt they would be so proud....family meant everything to them. This would make them so happy....my eyes watered as I watched my Grandfather hold Elle as shown in this picture as he cruised the lake and let Elle steer the boat. I almost could hear Mom giggling and snapping a million pictures. She would have had them printed before that week ended....it would have touched her heart like it did mine...
I may be lonely but I am well aware of my amazing, healthy, beautiful kids and how lucky I am to still have awesome family and friends surrounding us.....I will cherish sharing those glasses of wine with my friends in DC and up in Harrison, MI and holding my Son as he was baptized with our family and friends next to us and meeting my friend for walks and coffee during the week while on leave....and most of all holding this sweet baby boy...I will never get this time back.......I love you sweet Harrison and big sister Elle....I'm sorry I miss my family so much. In a strange way, it's almost like you understand....
All my love,
Melissa
