we have Elle..

No matter how sad I get, or how many tears fall from my eyes for the Family that I have lost, we have Elle. The void will never be filled,  but we have Elle. I will long to call my Mom and Dad everyday for the rest of my life and wish to see my brother smile as he opens his Christmas gifts,  but we have Elle. My heart will be forever broken but I have my Elle that puts pieces of it back together..... 

Life will never, ever be the same......but because of Elle we do our best to go on.

We miss you every single day.......she's getting so big and even more beautiful. You'd love her and I'm sad you're not here to see us be Parents.....It's hard without you guys. 

Love always, 

Melissa 

a new way to fly

I now know what it somewhat feels like to at least "travel" like a celebrity or somebody important.

No security, no lines, no waiting, no tray tables up or cell phones off, and they really didn't even tell me to sit down as a matter of fact. I was even allowed in the cockpit area of the plane prior to taking off! I sat in a couch, there was food to eat, anything we wanted to drink and such a smooth ride. It was a little weird having visibility to the pilot's front window but it made for a beautiful view as we were preparing to land in Racine, Wisconsin which is on Lake Michigan. It looks more like an Ocean from up above.

Because we were traveling with customers, our two days at the HQ service was spectacular. Amazing accommodations at the house/conference center our company owns, incredible food, and a fun evening with signature wines and our own game room for some late night fun.

Although traveling means I have to be away from my Family, trips that are this "luxe" may be few and far between- but make my job fun and rewarding. And a little bit of feeling "cool" if you will.

It's funny because if my parents were alive, I would be talking and bragging to Mom and Dad right now. They would listen and seemed interested in all of the details. No one is more interested in your daily life and experiences then your Mom and Dad. Even if they are cheesy stories about my first time sitting in a cockpit and traveling via a company plane. I miss having that...everyday.....

Back to commercial travel on Monday. Darn. I could get used to this way of travel...

Oktoberfest

I know, I know, it's not even Fall yet but the fact that Sam Adam's Oktoberfest beer is out and I can enjoy one this year since last year I was pregnant.....made me very excited. Ted, Elle and I decided to walk up to the square and eat dinner outside tonight. I really want to enjoy this nice weather while we still have it and to be able to enjoy dinners out while Elle just plays with her rattle or feet and smiles when everyone walks by and comments, "what a good baby".  For now at least.... 

We came home after dinner and it was running around time (feed Elle fruit, bath, change, last bottle, clean and pick up, laundry, clean bottles, Elle down by 8:30...and PACK my suitcase)...

I take off on our private company plane tomorrow morning (first experience ever) with Customers and some of my team members to our HQ office. The plane leaves at 9am and I have to be there at 8:30am...how cool is that? Looking forward to two exciting days. A little scared to fly but our Director assured us this morning-for anyone afraid of small planes-this is not a small plane. There's couches and all. I am the trip's photographer to capture pics of our team interacting with our customer on this little adventure.

My Dad hated to fly and I cannot imagine him flying on a private plane......watch over me tomorrow! 

Wish me luck, 

Melissa

just like my Dad

We headed home this weekend to meet with our estate planning attorney and given everything we have been through- to think that something could possibly one day happen to Ted and I makes this entire process very difficult. "nothing will happen during your travels to Europe" everyone says. But in my world, anything is possible and we must be prepared.  

Christina, Aydan and I went to visit my Grandfather. It's just sad, that is all I am going to say. I just can't help but think how my parents would feel and how they would be here for him. 

It's funny, I am learning more each and every day how much I was like my Dad. "He couldn't handle  stuff"....flying, blood, sick, death, mushy stuff.....much like me. 

My Mother, much like my Sister, wore her heart on her sleeve. 

We all gathered at the Close's house this weekend for a barbecue. Elle is still a tad under the weather and we think the official teething marathon has begun.......

We spent time with Family and made the trip back this morning. Above is a pic from this weekend (Aydan and I) and a few additional pictures from Elle's photo shoot. We have soooo many to share. 

On a very happy note, one of my best friends gave birth to a beautiful healthy boy a few days ago and another one of my best friends welcomed her first niece to the world. Very exciting. I so know what these new Mom's are going through right now. And the only advice I would send their way would be to enjoy every minute of it........thinking of you Ali, we love you! 

I have a heavy heart tonight for my Parents, my Grandfather, my Brother, and my Aunt.....

Life is tough and tragedy has changed our lives but miracles are still happening every single day, I miss you all. 

Melissa

Elle's 6 1/2 month pics!!

Here is my Family.............more to come, here are just a few from our photo session in our home and at a local park to mark Elle's 6 month milestone. (don't worry, we won't be doing these for every age milestone).. And yes "crazy lady"- the flower headband made another appearance (thank you Ali). haha.

The photographer took a special picture of miss Elle and I with my angels looking down on us.

Oh how my Mom would go crazy with these pictures. She'd have to have copies of all of them. I deeply miss having her to share these pictures with.... but I'm happy I have all of you out there to share these with......enjoy. She truly has brought a smile to my face in my darkest moments and she continues to bring a ray of sunshine to my family and I.

She's getting so big. She will grow and she too will one day "leave". But, like I have with my parents, no one can ever take these moments and memories away. Pictures last a lifetime....

an allergic reaction, champagne and a house full of friends

So, everything was perfect. The champagne flutes were perfectly placed next to the chilled bottle of Vevue Cliquot, the beer was on ice, Ted's homemade puff pastry appetizers were out of the oven displayed on platters, the lights were dim (thanks Josh), and my neighbor arrived with an amazing platter of homemade French pastries. Friends were arriving and I was carrying Elle in my arms in hopes she would chill with everyone until her 8:30pm bedtime. Let's just say we hit a road block. Ted was sweet enough to not enjoy the champagne too early until he got Elle down to sleep but right around 8:00pm she began to cry like we have never seen her cry and when I went upstairs with Ted to help him feed her, she wouldn't even take a bottle. Then we noticed her legs and feet were beat red. My Sister and Matt had just arrived and we were all looking over her pretty nervous. We weren't sure what the problem was. I immediately said, "go get Meredith". Meredith used to live a few houses down until they moved to a new neighborhood.  I really trust her medical advice and she's been through all of this with her two girls. She came upstairs and said we should page the doctor. She thought it was most likely an allergic reaction to the antibiotic she had been on for several days for her everlasting ear infection. 

After about 20 minutes she started to fall asleep, we explained her symptoms to the Doctor on call and he wanted us to give her benadryl if the only signs were the hives on her legs. Thankfully that's all it was. Once the benadryl hit her system, the redness went down and she went fast asleep. It's always something when you have little ones and with me already being a worrier, my nerves were pretty much shot. 

My Sister helped put Elle down and watched over her and I returned back downstairs after I knew Elle was okay. Most of my guests were still there and were all so sweet and understanding for both of us being upstairs. My two dear friends Josh and Ray made sure everything was going well with the party and that everyone was having fun.  Our friends rock, they all just continued to have a good time, and as long as they all knew Elle was okay, they were still ready to have a great time. After I was poured a glass of champagne, I was sang Happy Birthday, I ate some of Jessie's homemade eclairs and caught up with my friends.... The night ended lovely; Elle was okay and fast asleep and the party turned out really nice. 

I'm exhausted and thinking of the weeks ahead make me even more tired. I am going to be a traveling fool these next couple of weeks.......I already miss my Elle Bell. 

I miss my Mom and Dad so very much, Mom would have had fun this weekend. Dad would have been up at the St. Mary's festival. He loved it a few years ago when they were in town. 

A tired Mommy is going to sleep. I have to wake up a business woman ready to travel.......

Melissa

crazy

I cannot believe the audacity of some people and I do agree- that facebook, other social networks and even things such as this, a public blog, can open up a whole new can of worms when it comes to privacy. 

As I generally do about once or so a week, I will upload a new picture of Elle on my facebook page, typically a picture that I have already posted to my blog. I thought I had my settings set to only my chosen and accepted "friends" could see my pictures. Well I was wrong. Today this woman, later referred to as "crazy lady" sent me a facebook message demanding I take down the picture of my daughter and to take off all of the makeup I have on her. I was stunned when I read this message. At first I thought it was a joke, only to find out upon looking at her page to try and determine who this person was-that she took Elle's photo and posted it to her page and then sent a note out to her network (posted on her wall if you're up with the FB lingo) saying what a disgrace this photo is and what an idiot of a parent to dress her up and put makeup on her! And just to clarify- to my wonderful family and friends who read this blog often, you may have saw the picture of Elle that I posted on my last post. One of those are the picture that she is referring to. First of all (I know, I know, I don't need to justify myself to stupidity) however I just have to point out that she was in a onesie people(what else do 6 month year olds wear?) and a beautifully handmade flower headband that was given to Elle as a gift and it was purchased at a boutique. And makeup, well if this woman knew me it all would know I would one- never put any on my daughter at a young and age and secondly, I don't even wear much makeup myself. I put on powder and a dab of blush and I am out the door. My Mother is saying to me right now, "don't let this person that has no idea what she is talking about upset you". It wasn't like her message upset me- it was the fact that she honestly had the nerve to copy the photo and put my child on her page with a rude comment. 

Oh well, the situation is over. Ted and I sent her a message, we blocked her from my page and any future pictures will only be shared with my "friends".  Done, it will never happen again. Still gets an... UGH. 

See, I took a chance referring to this blog over a year ago when my Sister and I worked with the News Herald back home on my parents memorial article. I knew going into this that my life after their death would be an open book. But I wanted people to be able to "check in" to see how Pat and Jerome's daughters were holding up, to honor my parents through our pictures and memories, to have people listen to stories about my normal childhood and family up until April 7th of 2008, I wanted people to know how close my Family was and how uneducated we as Society are on mental illness-me included, and to be honest- I needed support. I needed and still need-listeners. I cannot do this alone. 

While most may never truly understand what it's like to be in my families' shoes, for the two minutes they read, may catch of glimpse of living a life after a severe loss, an unthinkable tragedy and perhaps be inspired but I also know these writings at times make people sad or depressed. I said in the beginning, I am not a writer, I only have the story to tell.  I have learned, through being connected with a few others who have lost their parents tragically, we are strong, but we break and have our bad days just like everyone else. You fight everyday to try not to focus on how they died but more so how they lived. It's truly the hardest thing to do. So I guess what I'm trying to say is I hope and pray my blog will continue to be a way to take my parents, my family, my friends, friends of my parents and strangers who have become weekly readers, on this journey. A entirely new journey, a new life that I set out to live after my parents were taken away. I hope the "crazy lady" or any other "crazy" out there never tries to disrupt this place that was created to honor my parents lives.....

Lots of love, 

Melissa

vegetables

Whenever I'm having a sad day, I take photos of Elle. Today was just one of "those days".  I miss Mom and Dad, I was overwhelmed with house stuff that I had to do, Elle was running a slight fever this morning, I bought the wrong materials for dinner that Ted was going to make, and to top it off, I went shopping with my birthday money and found nothing for my Europe trip. And I generally will buy something the second I pick it up and if I like it but this time, there really was nothing. let's hope they are just switching to Fall clothing or something...wish me luck next time. 

Elle can always bring a smile to a sad moment but no matter what, there is nothing to replace not having a Mother to call, simply to just say "hey".  I have never looked for pity even weeks after everything happened, but there are days when I just want to scream to everyone around me, "this is so not fair". 

On a positive note, Miss Elle took her first vegetables down like a champ. I think we got ourselves an eater folks. We officially have another Olszowy on our hands. Yep, we're eaters. Always have been. Always will be.  Oh, gotta go, here comes Ted with my "Brownie sundae" in hand...

there's no place like home

"there's no place like home" is my Grandfather's favorite saying. He loves his home. My parents would get him up to the lake a few times a year but he would gripe about it.  

My Grandfather was taken to the hospital by ambulance a few days ago due to a severe UTI and a mild heart attack. He was found on the floor, at his home, by his caretaker. Ever since my parents passed away, everyone has really pitched in and ensuring he has the best care in his home. 

Gramps is thankfully in stable condition for now. The goal is to let him be at home. He is 90 and while this stuff happens at this age, it's sad but after you lose two people at the age of 50 so tragically, the fact that my Grampa is still pretty strong and up until this point has been very healthy, is really a blessing. I just do not want him to go like this. He hates hospitals and Doctors. There's no place like home he has always told us and that is where he needs to be when in fact he is ready to leave this world. I can't help but think how Mom and Dad would be by his side. My Dad wouldn't be able to handle this. He hates hospitals too. But they'd be there. I pray he bounces back and is able to go home and  finish his puzzle that is probably sitting on his kitchen table.........we love you Grandpa. 

After Christina visited Grandpa in the hospital and passed her much needed Nursing school entry exam (aren't you so proud Mom and Dad?--she passed it...), her, Matt and Aydan flew to FL to experience Disney land. They made a stop in Sarasota to visit Ted's brother Tom and girlfriend Jess. Above are some pictures of them at the beach in Siesta Key from today!  More pictures to come from the magical land of Disney....I hope they have a great time! 

Back from a long 24 hours in LA......big day tomorrow, Miss Elle's 6 month years old photo shoot at the park....

Missing you always, 

Melissa

I was born today....30 years ago.....

"The world became sunnier when you were born", my Aunt wrote in a book she sent to me for my birthday.  Today was a special day. I guess I'm one of those people that love Birthdays. My whole life they were a "big deal". I shared a birthday cake with my Sister since she was born. We're only 6 days a part, well and 4 years of course.  It was a simple day today though. I worked, sat on a 4 hour conference call, received many birthday phone calls, text messages, emails, facebook posts........came home to thoughtful cards, sweet gifts (my Paris book!), and a homemade "French" meal cooked by Ted. I was never a fan of rack of lamb, but I am now. It was soooo yummy. Finished with my favorite, made from scratch, chocolate molten cake topped with Vanilla bean ice cream. He even printed a custom menu. 

My Mom's Sister, my Aunt, sent some thoughtful things as well and surprised me with new custom bibs and burb cloths for Elle and even made me my very own "Ladybug Mom" shirt for my Mom's club. I love receiving homemade gifts. My Dad's Sister, my Aunt,  was staying in Naples and was so sweet to send me something I have been longing to collect. Mariposa! I love this line of beautiful silver things. I first discovered this line when my cousin Beth bought me a napkin holder from Mariposa. I loved it and literally use it everyday! I replace the napkins for each Season. I finally figured out what I want to collect into my thirities--Mariposa silver! They have very beachy/east coast/rustic type things. Very exciting. 

Above are some pics of my special day. Thank you to all of my Family and Friends and to my Parents above for making me who I am today. And a special thanks to my new manager who presented me with a promotion and a offer letter for a new position today. I have a lot of things to be thankful for and many exciting things to be proud of as I enter the thirties. 

I miss my Mom and Dad more than ever. They would be so happy and proud. I miss my Mom's personality. She never took life too seriously and was always smiling and laughing. She sure appreciated the simple things in life just as I did today. Simple words written in a book, ok a not so simple meal cooked by my husband and knowing that I am loved, has ended my day quite nicely. Only thing that would have made this day perfect would have been a phone call from them. I know, not possible. But it's very hard going on and not having that. I still need parents. We weren't and will never be- ready to say goodbye.....

Happy Birthday to me. 

cute as a peach

So I paid $4.00/lb for peaches today.......I know what you're thinking. A waste of money......but they were picked yesterday from a local farm. I couldn't resist! I love this little market we walk to when we're actually home on the weekends. I got my latte this morning, ate a gourmet waffle wrapped in parchment paper, Ted picked out fresh bread, I admired the hydrangeas..... I just can't wait for my friend Carolyn to show me the markets in Paris....

 This weekend was spent just enjoying our friends and home. We met friends for happy hour on Friday, I love this stage where Elle is so easy to take places. I suspect in a few months we can say goodbye to 5:30pm drinks and appetizers with friends. We had a barbecue at a friends home to celebrate her birthday. It was cute to see Elle interact with the other children. For not knowing that many people in Cincinnati, many of the couples we do hang out with have young children so it's really nice. Miss Elle already has plenty of friends. 

I got a few nice long walks in, cleaned around the house and did basic things people around the globe do every single weekend. I guess I just get excited doing the simple things because for the past year- life has been anything but simple. If anything, having a child forces you to sometimes take a break and enjoy the simple things in life. I guess I needed that. I often wonder how I would have handled things had I not gotten pregnant when I did. Would I have been this strong? I guess I will never know. 

August, the month I leave the 20's behind, will be spent much at home (on the weekends at least). We have my late birthday party here in a few weekends, I've accepted a new position on our team, and I have taken on a project that will be a great challenge. The most challenging part of the project is travel. I will be at our HQ for almost 3 weeks out of the month. Daddy will truly get a taste of Mr. Mom and Ted's Mom has offered to come down for a few days. I love my job but dual careers can be tough at times. But with everything that has come our way, we always seem to make it work. It's just so different then how I was raised. We were surrounded by Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles. My Mom always had backup.  That is something I will never have. 

I'm starting to enter the blues as I spend my last few days in my 20's.... I'm sure once the day comes it will be no big deal. I guess by thinking about it and over analyzing it, makes it worse. The journey will continue.......just wish my Mom and Dad were along for the ride. So many exciting things are happening for us (milestones with Elle, promotions, travel, Aydan entering big boy, catholic school soon). They're missing this and I get so bummed.

 Or do they just have the better view?