Patricia was there: The birth of Elle - Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine

Patricia was there: The birth of Elle - Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine

I submitted a birth story regarding my experience with Elle.....I look forward to what surprises and joy my upcoming delivery with baby boy will bring.
I hope and pray my Parents are there for this one too.

All my love,
Melissa

Parentless Parents...

A book that I was highly anticipating the arrival for came earlier this week. The title- "Parentless Parents" (already sounds uplifting, huh?).....I dove into it immediately then come to find out....it's like reading my mind and heart...exactly how I feel. It almost bothered me that all of this resentment, jealousy, struggles watching my wonderful in-laws with my Daughter, sense of loneliness are all what these YOUNG parentless parents are feeling. And many of them lost their parents at different times and not to a tragic murder. That makes me nervous that my case of all of this will be even worse....(great, I thought as I read...I am screwed...) Each chapter started out with quotes.....these were so relevant to me.....

-" I definitely felt like I was operating without a safety net. Without my Mom and Dad, I found myself awash in doubt and anxiety" (this couldn't be any closer to the truth for my Sister and I)

-"I miss not having my Parents to ask them questions about my childhood to compare them with my daughter's experiences"

-"I feel like I don't have enough support and yet I have to perform and behave like my friends who have tons of parental support. It is overwhelming". (this one wasn't totally me as we've lived out of state for a while and do so well on our own, but yet nothing beats your own parents support and love for your child, it's tough not having what others have in a non-materialistic way)

-" I don't know anyone else who has given birth without parents by their side. It can make you feel alienated very quickly" (I am proud of how I handled birth with Elle. I fought depression off and made it through but man that was tough, I just couldn't believe they missed it. Yet, I watch others depressed over nothing much at all during their pregnancy. I have to walk away at times)

-"Each milestone-everything has something missing because you can't share it with the two people who birthed you and raised you" (this one is tough...I know I would be calling my Mommy daily....Dad would be yelling in the background, "what's Melissa bragging about now?!!)

-"I'm envious of people who have their parents at every milestone and school play. Those are my lowest times." (we're tough cookies, my Sister has sat in the stands alone for the last few years at Aydan's games......but it's not easy. Grandparents are always the most proud)

-"All they talked about was how she looked like so and so on their side. In my head I was screaming-she looks like my side of the family!! Can't you see that?! But the hard part was they couldn't see it. There was no one to see it." (Aydan looks like an Olszowy, Elle has some features-our personality and love for sweets but definitely favors Teddy's side...this does not bother me the least bit....what is bothersome is my Parents are gone and it's harder to visually compare and we can't even ask THEM what THEY think, makes me sad all of the time)

-"I am sad that my daughters will never know my parents. They will always be just people in a picture to them" (while I don't find this entirely true, it's hard to hear and accept it. I will honor my Parents life until the day I die and make certain my children know what they were about and the love they had for us all and what they valued will be known. I can promise you that. But it will never be the same...)

I related to all of these quotes and yet mine I feel are even more painful because of the way they had to freakin die. Of all the ways of death referred to the losses in this book I would take over mine. Train accident, cancer, car accident.....all would be horrific but at not as brutal as your own sibling causing the death. It adds on this terrible layer of sadness but you can never compare YOUR loss with others--they're all painful to the family it is happening too......In one of the earlier chapters, the Author was at her in-laws over the Holidays and it was killing her-as much as she loved them...she escaped the dinner (excused herself quietly) and sat in a closet and cried. I have felt like doing that many times over the past three years. You look around...everyone's smiling and in the Holiday spirit, googling over our daughter, anticipating what Santa will bring them the next morning and I have sat their miserable yet put on the happiest face I could bear. I miss MY family. MY traditions. MY mom and dad. They would understand and care the most. I don't want my Parents and not all of them, I want them both. They are/were so amazing....they all deserve to be a part of our Family and we so badly miss it.

It's the absence of unconditional love that has been the hardest part of these last three years.....I never want Elle or my future son to feel this void. Please keep me here until I am old and grey. I don't want them to have this void and tragic rain cloud over their head throughout their adulthood and raising their children. Please, no.....

I'm exhausted tonight...we worked around the house and yard today, went shopping and had a birthday party out in the "burbs"...Elle loved the bouncer and swing set (we go to the park for these type of activities due to no lawn) and it was a special treat.....but, standing and chasing her around was tiring. I was so achy. Ted was helping and looked and me and said, "let's leave before the cake...we'll go back to Hyde Park, park in the square and grab Greaters Ice cream.." I felt bad leaving early, but I couldn't run around anymore....I needed to sit- and enjoy some ice cream.......Elle is just even cuter these days.....really looking like a little girl, no longer a BABY. My Parents would be in awe......their wallets would be filled with pictures...Dad would show everyone up at Boomers....just like he did with his own kids.....She is doing SO well with potty training.....I hope she won't take steps back once baby brother comes but we are very proud of how determined she now is.........she is pure joy.

All of this aside, I still feel luckier then so many......I love this house. Our neighborhood. Our friends. And I'm healthy.....after all of this, I am healthy...sad but healthy. I could have failed. This would have killed some........I am so proud of Chris and I!!!!! I know you would be too Mom and Dad.......Elle is talking up a storm, you wouldn't believe some of the things she says and Aydan, well, he's scoring every goal in sight-both hockey and soccer. So proud........

All of my love and thanks for raising me to be this person. I have so many faults but so much good to offer and so much love to give to my friends and family.....thank you.

opening up the lake

I lost it this evening...the lights were dim, I finally took a minute to sit down and put my feet up and just sobbed like a baby. Ted headed 7 hours North, which I am so grateful for, to open up the lake for the Season. Once he got up there they ran errands to get some things for the house and all of the materials to build a sandbox which I am so thrilled about. But then he text me how much he loves it up there.....and how peaceful it was and how he was having a drink for Papa O (my Dad) and that he is here with us......I lost it. It broke my heart. I could picture him sitting on the dock, looking back at my Parents property and then out into the beautiful little lake and just missing my Dad. I miss my Parents so much and as much as I love it up there, it's so hard to be there......they would want to be up there with my friends...they were so social and fun- no going to bed early for them. After about 30 minutes, I text with my Sister and a few of my girlfriends who have been amazingly supportive through this pregnancy and I feel I can say anything to, "I'm sad right now and I'm crying".

I know no one will ever understand what this is like and that's okay. I had a great day today and last night I was spoiled again by friends- taken to a fabulous dinner and received some sweet outfits for the boy, and had a great Doctor's appointment thinking he should stay put for a little while longer....yet, I can be taken down at any moment. And then my Sister posts that she learned how to mow a lawn today for the first time at the place she is temporarily staying until her apartment is ready. I was proud yet pissed. I want my Sister to have a Family, I don't want her to be a struggling single Mom mowing the lawn? I feel so blessed to have what I have. I had window cleaners over today, a house cleaner coming tomorrow, someone stopped by to measure the baby's room for custom roman shades, landscaping was completed today and the list keeps going....I feel guilty. But I know Ted and I work hard.....but I still feel guilty. I am very lucky. Ted and I have made a wonderful life together despite what we have faced. He so deserves a few nights with the boys.....I hope he enjoys himself and that what he said was true- that my Dad is with us and there in spirit......

You are missed every single day. And that lake place of yours......wow, we now have such a deeper understanding and appreciation for how relaxing this place really is and how much work to keep it up is. I cherish Harrison, MI.

Mothers day weekend

I know I have to be one of the luckiest Moms out there....Ted made sure my day was super special yesterday but I have to admit, I was still super bummed.....my Mom was tragically taken from this World and "Mother's Day" has a new meaning to me. I missed my Mom. The one I would want to see me most as a Mother is gone. I never in a million years pictured her not being here. I still enjoyed moments and felt so lucky to be spoiled by Ted....Elle said throughout the day, "Happy Mother's day Mommy...relax". She's getting SO big and smart...we are amazed each day her new sentences and things she picks up. Ted started my morning off with a coffee- making a drive to a Dunkin Doughnuts-my favorite coffee-which is a 15 minute drive even though we have several coffee shops by our house and also greeted me with flowers and a gift card to a local spa so I can get pampered prior to labor. We said Jamaica was our Mother's day/Father's Day/Anniversary gift to each other....but that always changes.....
And then he put on the most fabulous brunch for our neighbor friends and I.....a homemade egg casserole that he prepped the night before......Belgian waffles with fresh whipping cream, berries and shaved chocolate......we sipped on virgin mimosas.....while Trey and Elle were being little stinkers and chasing each other up the stairs. I was exhausted yesterday though. I officially feel pregnant and candidly, feel like an old lady. Elle and I did the MS walk on Saturday and a mile kicked my butt. I am feeling crampy and achey....I never felt this way with Elle but I assume cleaning more and chasing after a two year old makes you really feel the second pregnancy. My most enjoyable moment though of the entire day was buying flowers to make a flower pot for my porch in honor of my Mom...we came back to the house and Elle and I put it together...she loved getting messy in the dirt and filling up the pot...she was so into it and she even kept saying "for Gramma shevy" was how she would pronounce it.....it still broke my heart why we had to do this.....why can't Mom just be here to see all of this.....

Stuff is coming together. The baby room is looking good, he has clothes and some diapers....fabric was decided on and we have two roman shades being made for the room. I am getting my house cleaned this upcoming weekend, windows professionally cleaned inside and out, and Ted is opening up the lake......we are getting stuff done before he arrives! We have a busy week....tomorrow Teddy and I celebrate 8 years of marriage which is crazy......our new Weber grill will arrive in honor of our special day...then Wednesday I am hosting a mixer at a local martini bar for the Network of Executive Women....I'll be facilitating a panel of leaders within the industry (and, be on my feet and in heels for several hours)....then Thursday, my lovely neighbor girlfriend put together a dinner for me before the baby comes. It will be great to be out to dinner with friends as I know June and July will be spent at home adjusting to our new life....then hopefully he is ready to be on the move just like Elle was. I look forward to some time up at the lake this year....Teddy and his friend Josh designed a sandbox and have plans to build it this weekend at the lake. I know how much Ted has enjoyed honoring my Dad by keeping up the place and adding some fun things to the property like the dock and now this......I know they would be proud....but it will never replace them being there.

Home stretch....about 30 days to go. Wish me luck.

Melissa

May has arrived

Justin sat at a Starbucks and enjoyed a coffee on his 30th birthday.

After two years at the facility, my brother was granted a day out with security. He was able to grab coffee twice at Starbucks, buy jeans and t-shirts at American Eagle, stop by Meijer and grab headphones and sit down for a good meal at a restaurant. It shocked me at first to hear these things as he had these opportunities all along while living with Mom and Dad. But without severe treatment and the right balance and mix of medications he would never have seen that there was life to be lived and the normal things most people do- he was missing out on. I am not sure how to handle my brother's progress and his strong desire to get better now that he clearly understands his condition, what he did, how dangerous he can be when not on medications, showing empathy to our Family, missing my Parents, and physically looking better then he has in years. I almost feel this is a no win situation although I would never tell him that. My Parents are gone, they aren't coming back.....and that angers me. They would want to be here to be proud of their Son doing normal things. He had conditions when he was living with my Parents such as washing his hands obsessively. This has cleared up completely. He was on the wrong medication and one that caused this OCD. He attends support groups now that don't judge and he has goals of making his first friend. While he had friends as a child and even into teenage years for a few of them at least, his only real "Friend" was my Mom.
Seeing my Parents you would have never known they had an ill son. They were social butterflies, always on the go, friendly as can be.....but I am sure deep down they were bothered by this and I know it caused stress at times but I am thankful they still lived life and didn't stop enjoying friends, fun and family because their Son had a condition. No one even knew what his condition was really, there were never any warning signs or situations that would lead my Family to believe he could ever have been of danger. I know this in my heart of hearts that we could have never known but I will always feel we all could have done something........yet I know I cannot focus on this....

I did find peace hearing the news that he enjoyed his birthday and especially when I personally spoke with him on the phone. I felt I could enjoy my day better knowing he was happy for the moment and he felt important and privileged for doing things that all of us do on a normal basis. This was a really big day for him and I am thankful it fell on his 30th birthday. I am sad Mom and Dad has and will miss all of our 30th birthdays.....it just doesn't seem right. They loved BIG birthdays and I am thankful we got to celebrate together for many of them but it doesn't make future celebrations any easier.

Trying to focus on the baby these days and all of the things Ted and I are trying to get done around the house. I have a list a mile long of things I want to buy for the baby, the house, and I know I need to slow down and be okay with letting some of it go.....one project at a time (yet my brain doesn't think this way)- I am an activator and want it done/purchased now.
I did buy an awesome new Weber Grill that arrives on our 8 year anniversary next week for Ted....I can't wait as we are having new landscaping done in the back and a new grill will just make for good entertaining this Summer. My Dad loved new grills and projects and things that we were doing.....I miss having my Mom and Dad around yet I continue to be reminded daily how lucky I was. I know our relationship and the type of people they were is rare. They left a strong legacy- one that is instilled in me everyday now.....but I know and will be the first to admit, my life will never be the same but I coming to terms with this and know I am blessed in so many other ways. I pray they are just in awe watching Ted and I here in Cincinnati, living our independent lives, raising a Family, running our household and careers, maintaining wonderful friendships and keeping connections as best as we can with the Family members they left behind. I know they are very, very proud and think they are worried about my Sister and I feel that too which causes me to be very overbearing. I wish I could just be a Sister but I don't see it possible anytime soon.

May is here. Goodbye to a heartbreaking month of their death, birthdays, and frankly, a ton of rain.....here's to.... beatutiful Cincinnati Weather and lots of walks, landscaping/windows and carpets cleaned, a new grill, a room filled with all things BLUE for the baby, getting my hospital bags packed, planting something for my Mom on Mother's day and having a wonderful breakfast with my own little Family and wonderful neighor friends to celebrate being MOMS, to toasting to my husband of 8 years, and to last but not least maybe even meeting a beautiful new addition to our Family yet secrelty hoping he waits to enter the World in June. I want a little more alone time with Elle Bell and I would love for him to share birthdays in the month my Father and Godchild were born......we shall see.

All my love,
Melissa

33 weeks...

This has been another good pregnancy so far. We have been on the go and haven't had any issues....with that said, I could not be more excited to be home in Cincinnati now for the home stretch.....there is so much to do from landscaping to getting carpets cleaned to painting the baby room to ordering fabric for curtains to washing baby clothes and to continue getting more organized.....we will get it all done but I have a feeling this baby is coming early. I really hope I can make it till June but it's up to him and God. I would love to have a June baby mainly because it's my Dad and godchild's birthday month and also Father's Day- June is all things BOY to me.

Easter was good in MI I will say but there were moments where I had to stop and take a deep breath or I would have lost it. We haven't been back to MI for the Easter Holiday since we last spent it with my Parents at my in-laws. But I wanted to be there for my Sister-in-laws shower and to see my Sister so I knew it was the right thing to do. I will say this till the day I die but its so hard not having your own family and home to go to. I am blessed with loving, generous in-laws but they will never be my own parents. It's just the way it is. Elle adores them and is so comfortable at their home and they welcome my Sister and nephew and I just know how much my Parents would appreciate this. I know it would break their hearts if we didn't have anyone to spend the holidays with and I know it would be comforting to them knowing we are still surrounded by love, family and friends. Mom's birthday was on the 22nd and I had Aydan that day so I baked a cake with the kids and let both Aydan and Elle decorate and frost the cake. It was a special moment talking with Aydan about Gamma and her birthday. He remembers baking with her and licking the beaters. It's still so hard to accept she's gone. We talk about her love for baking and all of these traditions as if she were 80 years old.....but no, she was 50 and her life as a Grandmother was just beginning. My heart breaks when I think of all they are missing. Justin turns 30 on Friday. My parents will have missed all of their children's 30th birthdays.....Mom loved birthdays and I know she would have made his day a special one. I miss my brother and family every day...I try to focus on all of the positive in our life....another healthy pregnancy.......but I will say, it's hard to focus on the pregnancy when there is so many other things to think about but I have thought about it a lot more this around. This pregnancy has been different . With Elle, it was shock after 2 months of my Parents being gone......here I was pregnant. I think I was looking for anything to take my mind off their tragic death through the baby shower and planning, etc. Now I have time, (I think I have moved toward acceptance that they're gone just not how they died and how traumatic it was)to enjoy all of my pregnant friends and neighbors that I am experiencing this amazing process with.....one of the most special friends of mine just had her baby Easter evening. She is one I spoke to through email, text or phone daily. We would miss each other while away on our different baby moons or work travel, we would talk about our weight gain, hormones, baby room decor, you name it....we covered it. And, I also felt so comfortable confiding in her with my biggest fears or family struggles I'd be facing that week (or particular day). She has been a great support system strongly due to us both expecting a child. It brought us closer as friends and for that I am thankful. I am also so grateful for the relationship with my Sister-in-law, I also feel her and I have grown closer due to this bond we have of both expecting the next Close baby in the same month. Pretty exciting and I so look forward to having cousins grow up the same age even though we live out of State. We will cherish the Holidays when we get to see them.....

I'm officially 33 weeks now and 5 days.....I took a walk tonight after putting Elle down. I was more tired than normal and am definitely not as fast......but I feel fine. While I have some anxiety, I cannot wait to meet this little guy......I so want to hear that he is healthy and then I will be beyond thrilled to announce his beautiful, meaningful name to the World in hopes my Parents and Grandparents are gleaming with pride and joy from above....yet wishing they were here to take away any sadness we feel due to their loss......

And the countdown begins....

Mommy of 2 to be

missing friends

Rough few days emotionally, I miss my friends who live all over the place but I am thankful we all make such an effort to see everyone whenever possible...vacations, weekend trips, or over dinner....anyway to spend time with each other and see our children together too. I have great friends from Pennsylvania, Michigan, Arizona, Washington DC, Paris, and so many other places. I am confident through these last three years; the joyful and tearful times- I wouldn't have gotten through them without my friends. There's no competition, jealousy, just love, support and happiness for one another. I am so thankful. It's funny, when I think about my week and that it was rough......it had nothing to do with work (work's great) or being a pregnant Mommy or anything like that which would normally a cause for a stressful week- its stress about people I care about that are hurting and I can't help either one of them. I miss one of them very much and I pray one day they will return to the person they used to be. I can't bring my Mom and Dad back but I feel this pressure to keep their entire Family together. But I know I cannot fix anyone or take responsibility and make them happy. My Sister and I are not capable of this.

Minus the sadness of our family tragedy, I am by far one of the luckiest people alive. Funny how that worked out. Thank god I am blessed in other ways through my daughter, my healthy pregnancy, my career, our beautiful home, the adventures we have been on, the childhood I experienced, and as I have mentioned above, my friendships......I will invest in them until the day I die....you get let down at times but you know they will be there when it really counts. That is the gift of friendship.

Enjoyed a few sips of REAL red wine this evening, ate a great meal and dessert...and looking forward to the gym tomorrow morning and a birthday party for miss Elle's friend Mia. We joined a catholic church down the street from us. I have been before with my Aunt when in town- we cry......we are going as a Family Sunday- Ted, Elle and I. We want to get the baby boy baptized here as a Catholic (well, mainly it was important to me) so we are going to check it out and see if we feel comfortable. The smell instantly reminds me of my childhood and going every Sunday with my Family but I also think of my Parents funeral. Flowers and the smell of a catholic church instantly brings that day back....but I want to get through it....