almost vaca time

I feel so lucky. Next weekend, Ted and I will be off to Jamaica with our friends for a BABYMOON...yep, they exist.....(as my Mom and Dad roll their eyes at me).....

Our amazing friends that we have vacationed with for the last three years are all now going without the kiddies, we feel blessed our children will be safe and with Grandparents....and that we get some friend time and relaxation. I keep picturing my two girlfriends and I walking along the beach- laughing, maybe crying, but appreciating that no matter what life has brought, we are here in Jamaica together.

April is the most painful of them all and while we will be leaving Jamaica on the day of their death, I'm so thankful I will get to wake up that morning, knowing that overwhelming sense of reality will come over me, and go for one last walk on the beach. My Dad loved rocks and my Mom loved shells. I will toss a few into the Ocean and remember the way life was, our incredible memories, the fun, our childhood, holidays, and most of all that unconditional love and support my Sister and I miss every single day.

I cannot wait to be on the beach. I think of my Sister as a strong single Mom that's facing heartache, I think of my brother that is learning to now socialize and face reality of his illness, I think of my Aunt who is sick...........I almost feel guilty that I get to go on the beach. I'm still so lucky.....I have my own family who is supportive, I have amazing friends......I wish that for all my family that is hurting.....I wish I could give you time away from it all, time to breathe and take it all in as the waves come crashing in.....

3 years soon. Has it really been that long since I have seen you?

new design

For the past two years I have wanted to change my design but every time I went to do it...I couldn't. I would say to myself, "why change the design? This is just a place to spill your thoughts and to share your journey both painful and joyous with your parents in Heaven, family, friends and others who knew my Mom and Dad. It's not about how it looks". But this evening, I decided I needed something new to look at each week when I log on. I remember almost three years ago next month sitting on Ted's parents couch setting up this blog. I want it to look a little different I guess. I don't know, maybe I'll end up changing it back....but for now this look is sort of peaceful and pretty....

I'm happy, mainly for my parents sake, that over 60,000 visits to this blog have taken place in almost three years. Some ended up here on accident I'm sure... but I'd like to hope most came here to reflect a little on life, take in how precious and short it really is and realize how unfair life really can be at times but that the strength in some that have the courage to go on is somewhat inspiring, I hope. But most importantly for me, through my posts, I hope the love for my Parents and constant wishing they were here is so clear and loud that even they can hear it all the way up in Heaven......and that my brother too can feel some strength shining down to get him through each day......3 years, 5 years, 20 years....this tragic event and loss has changed my life forever and I don't think there will ever be a day that I won't wake up to face they are gone but I do pray one day my faith will be restored and we'll be given a dose of peace of how they died and that each day becomes even more precious to live life and just one day closer to meeting them again.....and reuniting my family.

I hope you can hear me Mom and Dad. You are missed and loved every single day.

st. patty's day 2011

Mom and Dad loved St. Patty's day. They were always out and about on this day having fun with friends.....we were lucky to get them down to Cincy for one of them and while it was much too tame for them, we had a great time. I miss their smiling faces and love for having fun every single day. As the Spring nears and the anniversary of their death approaches, I get even sadder they are not here and won't be here to meet the little guy.....and cannot see what a beautiful, smart, loving person Elle has become.....

I had a long business trip and flight to Portland, OR and while it was great to have some amazing dinners, shop a little and catch up with my co-worker over virgin martinis, I am so glad to be home.....I feel blessed to have a great career and opportunities to travel and see different parts of the country but nothing beats a 75 degree March day both with our sunglasses on walking through Hyde Park, a neighborhood that we love to live in and even more so now that we have Elle. Sometimes when I think we need more space and a big yard, I walk to the square and grab a coffee or ice cream or sit outside and watch the many runners and walkers that pass by the street and square and I know for a fact, I am not ready to leave......

Now that we have completed the kitchen project we are on to landscaping but cannot quite figure out what is reasonable to spend and what makes sense if you are planning to stay here for another few years. So we will see......

Just enjoying a few minutes of peace right now after a traditional St. Patricks day meal cooked by Ted, several walks after an exhausting day of air travel...knowing April is around the corner when my heart will ache even more....yet I feel so blessed we will be on a vacation with our awesome friends just at the right time when we need it most.....

A huge thanks to my Mother-in-law for making our lives less stressful this week as Ted and I were double booked with travel. The help with Elle was so appreciated and I only wish we had my parents here to help out too. You all got along so well and it would just be one happy family and an overwhelming amount of support and love......but I continue to be so proud of Ted and I for making it on our own out of state, we have grown so much and have a great appreciation for our dear friends and family....

A ray of sunshine~

the reunion

I did it Mom and Dad, I did it.

I'd like to protect my brother's privacy so I won't talk a great deal about his condition but he is making a lot of progress and he looked better then I have seen him look in years....he looked so different. I cannot believe I didn't see him for almost three years. I just can't believe it. He was sad, I was beyond heartbroken and Ted and Christina were great supporters during the visit. I hugged my brother, just as I always did. He wrote me a letter and I had to read it before our visit.....the first line read, "I remember you used to always try to hug me when you were home. I miss those times". Because he is medicated properly now, he has no symptoms and it kills me to know that is what caused this tragedy...the weaning off his medications which caused severe paranoia and delusions. It just breaks my heart. I have broke into tears several times each day since Saturday just thinking of that first moment I saw my brother after I turned the corner into the area where we were meeting. It was just like the feeling I got when I turned the corner into the funeral home. Seeing my parents in caskets and seeing my brother after three long years, sitting there, were the two most terrifying things I have ever had to do in my life. I pray to god there is never a third moment like this. I know there are things I don't know about my parents death especially my Mom but I never want to know. Why would knowing where she was shot help me or why she was alive for an hour. But it haunts me.....I know the way they died always will. I just want my Family back. Mom and Dad would be so proud of their son. So proud of his progress and what he is like when the doctor finally got his medications right. He now knows and sees clearly the importance of making friends, having relationships with family, and doing what we most of us would call normal things like grabbing a coffee at Starbucks and clothing shopping at a mall....two things he hopes to do in the near future. Right now all I can offer him are phone calls and a visit every so often. I wish there was more I could do. I want to support my brother in every way possible and be there by his side as he heals and learns to accept what happened and his condition but I can't let myself get too attached or involved. I now he was sick but ultimately, he was the cause of my Parents death. His condition is to blame and its the reason my Parents are not here to meet their grandchildren and watch the only one they knew blossom into a young boy.

My friend wrote to me today and one line in particular stood out to me and made me think...it read, "I know now new feelings and challenges arise, but you have some gift, from God or from your mom and dad (or all) to make you so tough. "

I'm starting to believe that I am tough.....and my Sister is even tougher. But why us? I didn't want to be tough in life....but I know this strength is a gift. I see others in the World crack over the smallest things and our Family has kept going with this pain..... I just thank god my friendships, my beautiful home, my beautiful daughter, my amazing husband, my job, and so much more have all stayed together and strong through this. It could be so much worse.

I told my other girlfriend on the phone today , "I am looking forward to that April vacation more then you will ever know".

Yet in this strange way, I am feeling guilty as I get to do these incredible things each year as my brother wants nothing more then freedom....freedom from the hospital, freedom from this tragedy and freedom from his illness. But as I told him face to face, "I know you look at us with envy because we are free, but I will tell you, these last three years we have felt like we've been in jail in many situations, carrying this tremendous weight of sadness on our shoulders, I hope you understand from our perspective what this has been like".

I will see my brother again.

A month from today......3 years ago......our family was changed forever and my incredible parents left the world. It's really hard to grasp that so much time has passed and in a few months, I will be giving birth to their third grandchild. I so wish they were here.

All of my love and thanks for getting me through this weekend.......and for the additional love and support I am surrounded by.

Melissa

can I really do this?

I don't know if I'm ready for this....I start picturing my Sister, Ted and I sitting in the room when all of sudden my brother walks in. I am so afraid of fainting or all of sudden having a major anxiety attack. If I start thinking enough about it even now, I get myself so incredibly worked up. But I have to help my Sister and go......she is going through so much right now and her life is being flipped up in the air.......I wish so badly this rain cloud would leave my family alone. I wish everyone was financially stable, had support around them, and were all healthy and happy.

I am so fearful that the second I see my brother the intense feelings and emotions of the day my Parents were killed will come crashing back. I can almost guarantee it. He wants us to bring his favorite pizza and pop. He wants us to all eat. I will throw up if I eat. I don't want a deep therapy session with him. I am so afraid of facing the reality and realness of this. I just want to tell him I know you were sick. We are so happy you are here safe. And just ask him about his health, the facility, etc. I think that's all I can handle. I know he wants me calling more and I know how badly he too needs support and that is why I have to go. I have pushed this off to avoid the real pain of this nightmare. I know I said "I'm not afraid" in my book and its something my Mom, Dad and I always said jokingly, but I am tremendously afraid for this weekend. And now I have to depart for Vegas for a week long high energy national sales meeting.....seeing shows, going to clubs, dinners, meetings.... (while pregnant AND having this in the back of my mind). I'm just worried....I am worried about my Sister, my nephew-my all-star, my brother....and I am already missing my husband and daughter. I also worry about the baby. I hope this little guy isn't being impacted by the stress and the worrying. I'm so sorry buddy. These three years have been so tough yet we still laugh so much and have so much fun....but there is so much "stuff" to worry about. I honestly think most would fail in these shoes. I know this sounds terrible. I don't know why I can keep walking with my head filled high. I have to literally fight it every single day. I understand why some people cannot get out of bed and why some turn to self medication. I actually can understand. Thank god I was given the most amazing gift of strength and I get through it....and have not skipped a beat with living this life......but it has not been easy. I'll need it more then ever this weekend.........watch over us Mom and Dad. I know this is your Son. I love my brother and I miss you, my parents, even more............

I can do this.

Your daughter.

what a weekend

Last weekend was one word, AWESOME. Friday, I got to take my Grandfather and Eve out to breakfast in our little neighborhood center. Over coffee and my Belgian waffle, I got to sit and chat with Gramps about life, the baby, their travels to FL, the lake the Summer....and it was so nice to see him healthy and happy. I know how much pain still exists within him, I can see it in his eyes when he quickly catches a picture of my Mom. Grampa does well and laughs a lot and can handle talking about Dad. They were like best friends. Boy did he have stories to share but it's very difficult for him to talk about his Patty. Imagine your daughter dying that way. Losing a child at a young age or 50 years old has to be so traumatic. I feel for him and my heart breaks he had to see this in his lifetime. I know we both bring each other some peace when together. My grandpa has been in my life and a huge part of it since I was born....never missed anything....and I am so thankful for that. He has been on this journey with me. I pray for continued health for him. He deserves it and selfishly, I need him. Once he is gone, my parents and all 4 of my grandparents will be in Heaven. We really need him here.

Saturday around 7am Ted came driving up the driveway and Elle and Grace quickly ran to the back door and were literally "screaming" once they saw him (well Elle was, Grace was jumping everywhere). He opened his suitcase and passed out gifts of Longchamp bags, chocolates, cool kitchen towels from Brugge, some clothes for the little guy that Carolyn helped pick out for him and a handmade stuffed pig he found for Elle. My stomach was a tad off and I know he was exhausted but we loaded up the car an hour later, dropped Gracie off at doggie daycare for the day and night and headed about 5 hours to St Joe, MI to spend the evening and next morning with some of my most treasured friends! My one girlfriend gave birth to a beautiful girl a few months back and we all wanted to get get together and make this an annual tradition, visiting each others homes, and making the time and effort to be together. It was a fantastic day there.....we got there and the girls took off for pedicures....sitting there relaxing in a massage chair with 3 great friends next to me was a great feeling and then to come back and have a nice dinner, watch Elle play and have the girls give her lots of kisses and hugs was so much fun. Elle also loved the new baby and I was proud of how she overall behaved. She's been such a good girl and has adjusted so well to our "on the go" lifestyle. I am hoping this little guy is ready for the action as well. I know I overbook myself to help block out the sadness in my life but it's all I know to do. I love surrounding myself with friends, family, dinners and good times. I know how precious life is and how my parents never passed on the opportunity to get together with people. I hope my life can always be this flexible. I want to be there for people and to make memories with our friends no matter what the distance is. If everyone puts in the effort, it is sure to last a lifetime. I feel very good about this.

Sunday morning, we drank coffee together, ate a nice breakfast, starred out at the water......and then said our goodbyes. I am so thankful for their friendship and our ability to make time for each other even though we are all busy new MOMS now! We all inspire each other in different ways, it's pretty cool. I know I can count on these woman to be there through the good, sad and life's twists and turns it may take. They have always been there.

This weekend was proof that while there is much sadness in my heart and great fear for seeing my brother, I am still surrounded by love through my Grandfather, my girlfriends, my husband and daughter.....I am still so lucky.