It's really hard to believe that the baby shower weekend has arrived. It seems like yesterday when I was in Chicago telling my friends the news and now I await the arrivals of some very special people to get here for the weekend. Tomorrow night my Mom's side of the family and my Sister, Aydan and I will gather at the hotel to be together. My Mom's Sister Aunt Lisa and cousin Tracy are coming in from Texas and Grandpa and Eve are driving from up-north. Aunt Kim and the kids will be there too. I am really looking forward to all being together and I know my Family is looking forward to a fun weekend without any sadness, just good memories. But I know in my heart that there will be a tremendous void this weekend and that is Mom and Dad won't be there. I've been preparing myself for weeks for this event and how I'll handle myself as I greet all of our family and friends Saturday morning-where only 6 short months ago I was greeting them with tears as they walked in the funeral home.
What a story I think to myself. Mom and Dad; young, healthy and beautiful.......killed. My brother who did it certainly did not want to do it and now there's me...a devastated daughter goes away to St. John a month after they died and comes back pregnant. What a blessing in disguise. I am not sure how these past 6 months would have went had I not been pregnant. It has allowed me to re-focus some of my sadness into something so exciting. Now I am having a girl, have had a perfect pregnancy so far (thank you Mom) and am sitting here awaiting to be surrounded by all of the people I enjoy most. But it won't be easy- I know this. My Mother was the life of the party and even tomorrow as I gather with her family..we'll laugh and have a great time but her voice, laughter and pure happiness will be so terribly missed. Same with Dad, no one can or ever will replace his humor.
Like I have for the past several months, I will somehow pull through this weekend with such strength that I'll even shock myself. I will smile, laugh and enjoy all of the people around me and feel really lucky that they are all here to celebrate the upcoming life of a little girl that is going to be so special to so many. She will truly be a gift from Mom and Dad.....
Mom, I never in a million years thought I would be attending my baby shower without you there. It's surreal and it saddens me more then anyone will ever know or understand. The relationship you and I had was priceless, irreplaceable and one that I only hope will carry on to my relationship with my own daughter. I will think of you and Dad all weekend but I know you are proud of me that I am gathering everyone together. Just what you and Dad did best.
All my love,
Melissa
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
a long flight
I used my Dad's luggage for my trip to LA and it's incredible because I can still smell the strong scent of his cologne when I open it up. I know it won't last forever but I'll enjoy it while I still can. Unfortunately my conditioner exploded in the carry on so any scent of cologne in that bag is gone.
The flight was really long today, 4 1/2 hours....the book I brought was not interesting so I couldn't get past the 1st chapter which rarely happens to me, I did a little work and read one trash magazine. There was a really nice lady sitting next to me who was asking me about my pregnancy and was recommending I got up and walk around a little bit. I love free advice...only kidding, when it comes to the pregnancy I will take it all. I am too laid back I think and I just kind of go with the flow on this pregnancy thing-to me there really isn't anything to it YET......I am crossing my fingers the next three months are as great as the past months have been.
Then of course parents always come up. Whether it's....do your parents live close by to help or is this the first grandchild in your family? What do I say? Of course talking to a stranger I am not going to get into my life story but I also don't like lying either and I get sad because I miss talking about my parents. I want to say, yes my Mom lives 4 hours away and she will be there whenever I need her or no, our daughter will be the second grandchild on my side but the 1st girl!! The women next to me had to be in her early 40's and had two daughters-ages 13 & 15. She referenced her Mom in a sentence and all I could think of was-lucky her...she still has her Mom well into her 40's and she is watching her girls grow. I am so envious of this it's not even funny.
I know all of these feelings I am having are normal but that doesn't make them any easier. However, who defines what normalcy is when someone goes through such a tragic event? Honestly, if I stayed in my house for the past 6 months-maybe to some that would be normal given the severity of everything. But I would have never let that happen because that would have disappointed my parents tremendously. I need to continue to be the person they created me to be.
I love what this speaker said last week, he was referring to a man who lost his daughter when she was only 19 in a terrible car accident. He said he loves to be with friends or around people who have suffered great tragedies. I at first thought this was an odd statement to make.But then he said the reason why is that they are so appreciative and don't put up with bull shit or sweat the small stuff. I can't say I am there totally as I still cried yesterday when Gracie ate my brand new Anthropologie sweater and new Banana Republic dress! (no, she is not still a puppy!)And I still huffed and puffed when I realized my conditioner exploded in my Dad's carry on bag but I guess I would say I am not a huge complainer, maybe to really close family and friends... but I try to keep "I had a really stressful or bad day" comments to myself as I know from experience, someone else is having a much worse off day then you. When I think of what my parents went through that day, their own Son who they loved dearly, I cannot think of anything worse- therefore, thinking of that day makes me never want to complain again and to be thankful for everything that I still have even after everything that I have lost.....
The flight was really long today, 4 1/2 hours....the book I brought was not interesting so I couldn't get past the 1st chapter which rarely happens to me, I did a little work and read one trash magazine. There was a really nice lady sitting next to me who was asking me about my pregnancy and was recommending I got up and walk around a little bit. I love free advice...only kidding, when it comes to the pregnancy I will take it all. I am too laid back I think and I just kind of go with the flow on this pregnancy thing-to me there really isn't anything to it YET......I am crossing my fingers the next three months are as great as the past months have been.
Then of course parents always come up. Whether it's....do your parents live close by to help or is this the first grandchild in your family? What do I say? Of course talking to a stranger I am not going to get into my life story but I also don't like lying either and I get sad because I miss talking about my parents. I want to say, yes my Mom lives 4 hours away and she will be there whenever I need her or no, our daughter will be the second grandchild on my side but the 1st girl!! The women next to me had to be in her early 40's and had two daughters-ages 13 & 15. She referenced her Mom in a sentence and all I could think of was-lucky her...she still has her Mom well into her 40's and she is watching her girls grow. I am so envious of this it's not even funny.
I know all of these feelings I am having are normal but that doesn't make them any easier. However, who defines what normalcy is when someone goes through such a tragic event? Honestly, if I stayed in my house for the past 6 months-maybe to some that would be normal given the severity of everything. But I would have never let that happen because that would have disappointed my parents tremendously. I need to continue to be the person they created me to be.
I love what this speaker said last week, he was referring to a man who lost his daughter when she was only 19 in a terrible car accident. He said he loves to be with friends or around people who have suffered great tragedies. I at first thought this was an odd statement to make.But then he said the reason why is that they are so appreciative and don't put up with bull shit or sweat the small stuff. I can't say I am there totally as I still cried yesterday when Gracie ate my brand new Anthropologie sweater and new Banana Republic dress! (no, she is not still a puppy!)And I still huffed and puffed when I realized my conditioner exploded in my Dad's carry on bag but I guess I would say I am not a huge complainer, maybe to really close family and friends... but I try to keep "I had a really stressful or bad day" comments to myself as I know from experience, someone else is having a much worse off day then you. When I think of what my parents went through that day, their own Son who they loved dearly, I cannot think of anything worse- therefore, thinking of that day makes me never want to complain again and to be thankful for everything that I still have even after everything that I have lost.....
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Dad's truck
The garage is almost clean. Going through all of this stuff I cannot even imagine what my Sister and others went through as they went through the house a few days after they passed. I cannot imagine walking in and seeing what they were last doing. Opening the fridge to find the steaks that my Dad had marinated only a few hours prior for dinner. I couldn't have done it.
Family and friends lent a helping hand this weekend as we sorted, tossed and gave away what might be garbage to some but were treasures to my Mom and Dad. Other then pictures and my Grandma's ring that my Mom wore everyday, my most cherished things I brought back to the house this weekend was her Christmas decorations. Her tree and organized ornaments and painted houses.....our stockings with our names engraved. It made me smile to see Aunt Kim, Mom's baby Sister try on my Mom's coats and look through her dresses and some of her paintings to take home. The more people that I can make smile through this tragedy the better.
And that is exactly what we did when we announced our surprise to my Uncle Jimmy, my Mom's brother. My Dad was a Ford man through and through....he retired only a year and 1/2 ago at the age of 50 years old. He had worked for Ford since 17 years old. Since we were young, after the mini-van stage, we always had SUV's and trucks and the last truck he had saw the most mileage. He made many, many trips to the lake, Cincinnati, Hilton head, Boston, and so much more. Like I have mentioned before, my Father had great relationships with everyone especially family. He was really close with my Mom's brother Jimmy and had made many trips to the lake with him for weekends of fishing. My Uncle's car hasn't been working well lately and instead of selling my Father's Ford F150, my Sister and I have decided to give it to my Uncle as a gift.
He was truly honored and taken back but I know my Dad would be thrilled we did this for him.
Mom and Dad were loved by so many and anything we can do to keep their memory alive and make someone happy while doing it-just feels right.
After many hours of cleaning, my Aunt Kim and her kids, my Cousin Jessica & Bob, Uncle Jimmy, Ted, Christina and I we headed to our local favorite Mexican restaurant where we treated everyone to lunch with the proceeds from selling my Dad's snow blower.
I never thought in a million years at age 29, I would be cleaning out my parents house with both of them gone and my brother in jail. I had the "young parents" out of my friends, they were going to live for another 40 years....but I know so clearly how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away when you're least expecting it.
Missing you constantly and wishing you were here but I know you are watching down and are so proud of our strength.
Melissa
Family and friends lent a helping hand this weekend as we sorted, tossed and gave away what might be garbage to some but were treasures to my Mom and Dad. Other then pictures and my Grandma's ring that my Mom wore everyday, my most cherished things I brought back to the house this weekend was her Christmas decorations. Her tree and organized ornaments and painted houses.....our stockings with our names engraved. It made me smile to see Aunt Kim, Mom's baby Sister try on my Mom's coats and look through her dresses and some of her paintings to take home. The more people that I can make smile through this tragedy the better.
And that is exactly what we did when we announced our surprise to my Uncle Jimmy, my Mom's brother. My Dad was a Ford man through and through....he retired only a year and 1/2 ago at the age of 50 years old. He had worked for Ford since 17 years old. Since we were young, after the mini-van stage, we always had SUV's and trucks and the last truck he had saw the most mileage. He made many, many trips to the lake, Cincinnati, Hilton head, Boston, and so much more. Like I have mentioned before, my Father had great relationships with everyone especially family. He was really close with my Mom's brother Jimmy and had made many trips to the lake with him for weekends of fishing. My Uncle's car hasn't been working well lately and instead of selling my Father's Ford F150, my Sister and I have decided to give it to my Uncle as a gift.
He was truly honored and taken back but I know my Dad would be thrilled we did this for him.
Mom and Dad were loved by so many and anything we can do to keep their memory alive and make someone happy while doing it-just feels right.
After many hours of cleaning, my Aunt Kim and her kids, my Cousin Jessica & Bob, Uncle Jimmy, Ted, Christina and I we headed to our local favorite Mexican restaurant where we treated everyone to lunch with the proceeds from selling my Dad's snow blower.
I never thought in a million years at age 29, I would be cleaning out my parents house with both of them gone and my brother in jail. I had the "young parents" out of my friends, they were going to live for another 40 years....but I know so clearly how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away when you're least expecting it.
Missing you constantly and wishing you were here but I know you are watching down and are so proud of our strength.
Melissa
Friday, October 17, 2008
going home
After traveling for work this week, we are now going back to MI after work today to meet family members at my parents house tomorrow to clean the garage and house- empty. Traveling pregnant so far has not been difficult but this month there is a lot of it....Wisconsin, LA, Portland and Seattle. I am really looking forward to my travels to Seattle as it's one of the most beautiful places, especially with the trees in the Fall. Oh and MI almost every weekend, which luckily is only a 4 hour drive for us. For the time being, I'm so thankful we are only 4 hours from home especially when I look back on the past two years. I would have felt even more sad and guilty had I been any further and not got to spend the quality time with Mom and Dad that I did. It still wasn't enough though.
This weekend will be difficult as many are.....just the thought of going through more of their things and being in my Dad's garage, where I was pretty much prohibited my entire life, without them being there is hard. Most people have accepted they are gone but frankly, I still can't believe it. And I know my brother and sister feel the same exact way.
I am most looking forward to next weekend where I will spend an entire weekend with family and friends as we gather for our baby celebration. Family and Friends are coming from all over...Texas, Georgia, Boston, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Arizona, Florida, Virginia, California, and various parts of Michigan. Nothing makes me happier knowing I will get to see my Family and Friends under one roof. Last time we all gathered was 6 months earlier for Mom and Dad's funeral and I am still in a bit of amazement that I am pregnant, with a little girl, so soon after their death. She is definitely our faith and hope and she doesn't even know it yet.........
This weekend will be difficult as many are.....just the thought of going through more of their things and being in my Dad's garage, where I was pretty much prohibited my entire life, without them being there is hard. Most people have accepted they are gone but frankly, I still can't believe it. And I know my brother and sister feel the same exact way.
I am most looking forward to next weekend where I will spend an entire weekend with family and friends as we gather for our baby celebration. Family and Friends are coming from all over...Texas, Georgia, Boston, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Arizona, Florida, Virginia, California, and various parts of Michigan. Nothing makes me happier knowing I will get to see my Family and Friends under one roof. Last time we all gathered was 6 months earlier for Mom and Dad's funeral and I am still in a bit of amazement that I am pregnant, with a little girl, so soon after their death. She is definitely our faith and hope and she doesn't even know it yet.........
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
creating value
While in Wisconsin this week for work, a few members of my Team are attending a seminar called "creating value". The reason for this course is to learn how to better align our companies strategies and initiatives with our customers strategies and initiatives through a process called value creation. These meetings are always very beneficial and you take away key learning's that can truly be applied to your work, however in this particular session I am also learning things to be applied to my every day life.
The leader for this session is a 51 year old man with a vast amount of experience in life and business. He ties in his personal life and experiences while sticking to a curriculum. He oddly enough told us he had just lost his Mom two weeks ago and his Father many years ago. He said, "I am parent-less". Wow, we have something in common I thought yet, I am much younger. He told us about his beautiful 2 daughters that were in there 20's and I was thinking how lucky he is to have had his Mom watch his daughters grow into beautiful adults. I will never have that.
He then left us with some very strong words. He said he had the best Father in the world who had many friends throughout life. His youngest daughter asked her grandfather one day why he had so many friends and he replied, "because I am interested not interesting".
Think about that for a minute. He was interested in others -not trying so hard to be interesting...... I really liked that. Unfortunately, 93% of Americans (direct statistic from him) are not interested. They spend way too much time and energy on trying to be interesting to others.
I sat and pondered those words and thought about my own Dad. He was very much interested in others and never cared to much about talking about himself. And he was a great friend. Same with my Mommy. And that is why they had well over 500 people at their visiting hours and a few hundreds at the actual funeral.
He also brought up something so random but the group ended up having a blast with it. He talked about his daughters and how he wanted them to date the right type of men.... so with his daughters, they created a "guy compass". I like these and will pass them on to Ted to teach to our daughter!
-observe how he spends his money ( does he purchase things or experiences?)
-observe his friends (you can choose your friends, not your family)
-observe his relationship with his parents (close family or not)
-observe how he treats the wait staff (this one was my favorite as it shows how he treats normal everyday people)
See, work can be really fun. I went to a training seminar but also took away a few life lessons........be more interested and tips to making sure my daughter marries the right guy! He also talked a lot of true happiness and taking things off of our plate that are meaningless. We only have 100 hours to spend each week so spend them right. "time is our ultimate currency" he explained.
The leader for this session is a 51 year old man with a vast amount of experience in life and business. He ties in his personal life and experiences while sticking to a curriculum. He oddly enough told us he had just lost his Mom two weeks ago and his Father many years ago. He said, "I am parent-less". Wow, we have something in common I thought yet, I am much younger. He told us about his beautiful 2 daughters that were in there 20's and I was thinking how lucky he is to have had his Mom watch his daughters grow into beautiful adults. I will never have that.
He then left us with some very strong words. He said he had the best Father in the world who had many friends throughout life. His youngest daughter asked her grandfather one day why he had so many friends and he replied, "because I am interested not interesting".
Think about that for a minute. He was interested in others -not trying so hard to be interesting...... I really liked that. Unfortunately, 93% of Americans (direct statistic from him) are not interested. They spend way too much time and energy on trying to be interesting to others.
I sat and pondered those words and thought about my own Dad. He was very much interested in others and never cared to much about talking about himself. And he was a great friend. Same with my Mommy. And that is why they had well over 500 people at their visiting hours and a few hundreds at the actual funeral.
He also brought up something so random but the group ended up having a blast with it. He talked about his daughters and how he wanted them to date the right type of men.... so with his daughters, they created a "guy compass". I like these and will pass them on to Ted to teach to our daughter!
-observe how he spends his money ( does he purchase things or experiences?)
-observe his friends (you can choose your friends, not your family)
-observe his relationship with his parents (close family or not)
-observe how he treats the wait staff (this one was my favorite as it shows how he treats normal everyday people)
See, work can be really fun. I went to a training seminar but also took away a few life lessons........be more interested and tips to making sure my daughter marries the right guy! He also talked a lot of true happiness and taking things off of our plate that are meaningless. We only have 100 hours to spend each week so spend them right. "time is our ultimate currency" he explained.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
a weekend in Cincinnati with friends
Our best pals, Mel and Nick flew in from New Jersey this weekend for a visit. From this point on, we will see them every month through the end of December with the upcoming baby shower, Thanksgiving and Christmas Break. It's sad when you live so far from two of your very good friends when your pregnant-but in this case, we will see so much of them throughout this exciting time in our life.
They have been part of Ted and I's family for almost 10 years and they knew my parents very well. Many weekends spent at my parents lake place, they attended both of their 50th birthday parties, my parents attended their wedding, came to Chicago and Cincinnati during the same weekends and they have spent numerous Thanksgivings with both mine and Ted's family together and then almost every Christmas Eve at the Close's.
And Mel was the first person I called as I was driving back with Ted to MI after I got the news of the tragedy from my Sister. I could barely breathe and couldn't talk long and ended up handing the phone to Ted. I also called her back when I found out my Mom did not make it. And that next morning after driving through the night from New Jersey, she was by my side in Michigan.
Given that we had so many memories and fun times spent with my parents, one day I hope she will also be able to focus on all of the amazing memories and fun we have had and put that phone call and everything else behind her. But I also appreciate that she knows I am struggling at times and will accept my good and bad days and for me, I have not forgotten the phone call or any of the details. It's still fresh in my mind like it happened yesterday.....support and sensitivity is so appreciated.
We look forward to sharing so many memories with them as we bring our little girl into the world. I see many family trips to Disney world in our future and renting a big house somewhere on the beach with our little ones running around and us still being able to enjoy a nice bottle of wine after we put them to sleep. When your family all of sudden shrinks and you crave these memories to be shared with them, it's a great feeling to know you have friends that are as close as family and will be on this journey of life with you.
Thank you Mom and Dad for showing me how you cherished your friendships by making time for them and making memories. I am so happy I was passed on that that gift and know, because of you, I will have a lifetime filled with rich friendships that not even distance can break apart.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
We sold it
On Mom and Dad's 31st anniversary and the exact 6 months since their death, we received the one and only offer on my childhood home and I accepted it.
I had to accept the offer as I took this as a sign that my parents were telling us that is was okay to let it go. Get rid of this I felt them telling me. It will be surreal when I go back there one last time with my Sister to go through the last of their things. I never really went through their things except at the lake house and I feel like this stuff is much more personal- their handwriting is on many boxes-my Dad's bike that he rode everyday in the Summer-my Mother's beloved Christmas Holiday decorations- and every other Holiday, Dad's grill tools, pots and pans and childhood toys, memory boxes and so much more....
Every Christmas for the past 28 years was spent in that home and it will be so strange to walk out those doors and say goodbye. To say goodbye to the place where my Father died instantly, where my Mother was shot several times, where my life changed forever......
Leslie, thank you so much for your comment a few days ago. Comments, phone calls, emails, cards and words such as this are what keep me going. They lift up my spirits and remind me that I am now on this journey to honor my parents- everything I do is for them and while I still cannot believe their gone, you're right- they would be proud of me. Even the days when I sob my eyes out as I look at a picture or crave their food or miss their voices and presence, they are still proud of me.
I look forward to having a similar relationship with my Daughter that my Mother and I had, sure there were arguments over clothes, boys, curfews, money and school but the love, support, care and friendship I received from her is so unexplainable. I find it hard sometimes to describe the person she was because "a good person" does not do her justice. An amazing, priceless Mother that could never be replaced is a much better description. Same with Dad, he showed his loved by being involved in my life. His visits meant the world to me and the comfort he felt in our home and the relationship he grew with Ted-made him the best Dad in the world. I never had to prove anything to Mom and Dad, they just loved me and were always there no matter what.
That is what I will miss as we bring the new little one into the world. They would have been there anytime, any day, any year because Family all through life- has always been the number one priority. Christina and I are on a mission and that is to show our children that we can still have a wonderful family life, it may be smaller and it may never be the same, but we will somehow find a way to raise them happily with so much love and support, and frankly that is all one needs....
Thinking of you constantly and still not at peace Mom that you did not feel any pain, it's still haunting me and I hope one day I can wake up and say, it was so fast, you were in shock and felt no pain. Because until then, I am not anywhere near being at peace. But what gets me there closer and closer each day is believing you and Dad are together and that one day, I will see you again.
Melissa
I had to accept the offer as I took this as a sign that my parents were telling us that is was okay to let it go. Get rid of this I felt them telling me. It will be surreal when I go back there one last time with my Sister to go through the last of their things. I never really went through their things except at the lake house and I feel like this stuff is much more personal- their handwriting is on many boxes-my Dad's bike that he rode everyday in the Summer-my Mother's beloved Christmas Holiday decorations- and every other Holiday, Dad's grill tools, pots and pans and childhood toys, memory boxes and so much more....
Every Christmas for the past 28 years was spent in that home and it will be so strange to walk out those doors and say goodbye. To say goodbye to the place where my Father died instantly, where my Mother was shot several times, where my life changed forever......
Leslie, thank you so much for your comment a few days ago. Comments, phone calls, emails, cards and words such as this are what keep me going. They lift up my spirits and remind me that I am now on this journey to honor my parents- everything I do is for them and while I still cannot believe their gone, you're right- they would be proud of me. Even the days when I sob my eyes out as I look at a picture or crave their food or miss their voices and presence, they are still proud of me.
I look forward to having a similar relationship with my Daughter that my Mother and I had, sure there were arguments over clothes, boys, curfews, money and school but the love, support, care and friendship I received from her is so unexplainable. I find it hard sometimes to describe the person she was because "a good person" does not do her justice. An amazing, priceless Mother that could never be replaced is a much better description. Same with Dad, he showed his loved by being involved in my life. His visits meant the world to me and the comfort he felt in our home and the relationship he grew with Ted-made him the best Dad in the world. I never had to prove anything to Mom and Dad, they just loved me and were always there no matter what.
That is what I will miss as we bring the new little one into the world. They would have been there anytime, any day, any year because Family all through life- has always been the number one priority. Christina and I are on a mission and that is to show our children that we can still have a wonderful family life, it may be smaller and it may never be the same, but we will somehow find a way to raise them happily with so much love and support, and frankly that is all one needs....
Thinking of you constantly and still not at peace Mom that you did not feel any pain, it's still haunting me and I hope one day I can wake up and say, it was so fast, you were in shock and felt no pain. Because until then, I am not anywhere near being at peace. But what gets me there closer and closer each day is believing you and Dad are together and that one day, I will see you again.
Melissa
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