over it. I swear.

After being rather bothered today, I'm over it. Everyone is different...and what's important varies by individual. I cannot make anyone do anything even if I think it is the most fun special idea ever. Ever since my parents died, I even more so crave togetherness, family, friends, special moments for my kids with their family...the problem is our family is small & the invite list has shrunk significantly - so much has changed, the dynamic we once knew is no longer and there is distance to a lot of our family and friends. I envision cousins sharing the same birthday cake, family & friend vacations where everyone's schedules (and wallets) are the same and everyone can go, I dream of everyone attending each other's special events... I guess, even if it's my own fault, feeling like I have to be the planner, the one to take initiative to keep everyone together is often draining and it impacts me emotionally. And so my Mom is looking down and saying, "then stop doing it! forget about it! Do your own thing! Do what's important to you!". I get it Mom, I really do...my therapist even confirms that I am a very family centered person almost to a fault. My expectations that everyone else will be the same is setting myself up for disappointment time and time again. But I always wonder why I am like this.

From this day forward I pledge to do my own thing whether it ends up being just my kids, my husband, my dog (and likely Chris and Aydan) then I need to be OK with this. Everyone has lives...everyone has their own plans...their own agendas...I have amazingly special, supportive friends who love us from a distance and here locally.... family who no matter if they can be present or not for special events always send such generous things and thoughtful cards to let us know how much we are loved.

I think back to almost 4 years ago. I was more carefree (with some OCD of course)...my life and thoughts and expectations have changed so drastically since Mom and Dad died but also by having my own children. I hope I will always be there for others and to be able to tell if someone else really needs me as well and know when those special moments are critical to embark on. I would hate to disappoint someone without knowing it mattered so much. I wish my heart was more open these days, I shut down and stick to myself sometimes but it's only because I am bothered or sad. I wish I could breathe easier, be more relaxed, go with the flow, and not to feel so heavy at times with this darn tragedy on my shoulders. They say one day it will lift If I let it but I hang on to it because I am so afraid to let go. It would be so much easier to only remember the good times and what amazing parents there were. But, it's just not that simple.

Off to start planning a possible upcoming dinner party, finish my playroom ideas so we can start ordering some stuff, Easter dinner menu for our house this year and something memorable to make 4/7 less sad, search for ideas to pass on to my Sister-in-law for her baby shower, "pinning" fun mason jar drinks to serve at Harry's 1st birthday lunch in MI, find fun creative outdoor activities for the family reunion in CT and get working on a fun picture banner to display our family photos (many of which I haven't met and cousin(s) I adore that I cannot wait to give the biggest squeeze ever to), and start the planning for my Sister's nursing graduation party (she hasn't even passed yet and is currently working her @3$ off) which is literally over a year away but I get SO gitty of the thought of her finally graduating that it makes me SO happy to envision this event. Mom and Dad will be so proud. Maybe this is my problem...I plan too much, my expectations are too high.

What's my problem?

the kids

The kids are growing so fast...Harry is just all smiles at 8 months and so chill even though the little guy cannot catch a break from these nasty colds!! Even after tubes, coughs and colds are always a possibility (thanks to school). The hope is his ears will now drain the fluid but it still bums me out when he's sick. I picked him up today and he was on his belly playing.....and this picture of your Dad and Harry just melts my heart...his only great Grandparent and only alive Grandparent from our side of the family. I hope he lives for many years to come so he can be here through the times that you and Dad cannot be.....I need him here, actually. I know how badly you want to be here. And Miss Elle - here she is in dance...I remember Chris and I and all of our dance recitals.....last Saturday was the first class that I didn't have to walk her in and comfort her before joining the circle of "dancers"...she literally let go of my hand and ran in and sat down with her little dancer friends. I was sort of sad. This is only the the beginning of them growing up, becoming independent and not needing me yet I know she'll always need me just in different ways. As Ted said to me today as we were talking about the kids and them being sick again..."it's our job to keep them healthy & safe and that's it"...

Then Ted asked me if we had a Doctor for us. Ha, as if we have time to see Doctors, it's all about the kids! "Why?", I asked...he then said he has been experiencing irregular heart beats similar to what his Dad faces. So acting like I wasn't afraid I made a note to call a Doctor tomorrow to see if they are accepting new patients. Such silly thoughts as he is fine but I immediately think the worst imagining if he died at 33 of a heart attack. He's so healthy, works out not once but twice a day. But maybe it's too much. I don't know... but we are not the young kids we once were Mom and Dad...we are adults now and need to have checkups and be certain we are living a healthy life....I miss being a kid. Even though I am so blessed with my children, our careers, friends and everything else....I miss that 28 year old that would fret over the stupidest things (as if I knew what problems were back then!), had parents to whine and cry to, laugh with and be proud of me and my accomplishments. I will say it until the day I die... I miss being a daughter....but I sure do love being a MOMMY. I know how happy that would make you.

Watch over us.

All my love,

Your daughter

yay

I got promoted today Mom and Dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miss sharing all the good, stressful, exciting times with you. I am tired today. I had a great visit with your Dad, my Grandfather this past weekend. He is so special. I am so happy he was the best Father to you and still amazed at the relationship you had. How special. I see the pain in his eyes when I talk about you and Dad....he misses you guys so much. I cannot even imagine his deep sadness even though I myself have it too. Burying your oldest daughter and your loving Son-in-law you did everything with. I just can't imagine. We miss you so much...we all do.

I know you are proud of me, well, at least today.

All my love,

Melissa

I wish there was an easy solution

It's already February.....time has just been flying since the Holidays. I know April is nearing and I really have come to grips that April will always be difficult. April will always remain my families' 9/11. What I do early on in the year is book myself silly with plans....girls weekends, weekends with friends, vacations, home renovations and now of course lots of events with the kids (dance, swimming, etc) to keep focused on other things. But it's always there....and recently, it's been bothering me even more as we think about what the future holds for the lake house in Harrison, MI. I love Harrison....I've been going there since inside my Mommy's belly....and I started appreciating the true beauty and peacefulness after I married Ted and we'd go up there and hang out with my Parents and be in pure relaxation mode (while my Parents busted their butts to entertain and keep the property up). Now with their loss, we've inherited not only their home, but all of the responsibility that comes along with it. And our distance to Harrison, is creating a problem. A problem I hate to admit....and it's causing me to think, do we need to sell the lake. Is it best for my Family and while she won't agree right now, is it best for my Sister's future? It's such a heartbreaking decision as I know we are holding onto this place for all that it resembles....my parent's favorite place, more of their things, and all of the fun memories we can still picture when we are up there. But it's not all FUN memories, it's actually really painful being up there. They weren't suppose to both be gone already and I hate that this young I have to be thinking about these type of decisions when they should be retired, still living. I don't want to have to make the decision to sell it for practical reasons as it is very emotional but the older Sister/first daughter in me is pulling me to be practical and to think in those terms as hard as it is. I know deep down most of my Parent's family hates watching us girls trying to manage all of this and candidly, watching the lake deteriorate. I cannot see hiring out for everything to maintain this place when we are using it only a few times per year and all along while Christina is busting her a** to get through RN school and support her Son. It just doesn't make sense financially. On the flip side, we would NEVER get what this place is truly worth to our Family and I would hate to live with regret or to have that guilt and to not have a place to take my kids that is still MY families. That is so important to me.

No one can tell me what to do...as no one understands all of the dynamics involved. I feel as if right now I am in a no-win situation. It's painful if I keep it and it causes a lot of work, pressure, worry but some enjoyment with my kids and memories and glimpses of what my Family was before the tragedy and also a place to take my family to remember MY folks. If I sell it, I could still go to Harrison to visit our Family and stay at Grandpa's but then potentially regret it and have guilt. I know this is the closest we will ever be to MI....with both of our careers we will only go further away....so I have to keep that in mind. The bottom line is there is no easy answer. Cleaning out another home of my Parents, even not being involved with their home in Allen Park, would be more heartache and cause sadness for my immediate family. But, I worry non-stop about the lake as it sits there...not being used.....at the end of the day, I need my Family to agree with the decision that is made and we need to be supportive of each other knowing we never wanted to be put in this position.

I continue to be amazed at times at how "everything else" in my life has turned out. Yes, I have everyday pain of carrying their loss, and my involvement and worry with my siblings (both for different reasons obviously) but the good I do have is really good....we have been so blessed with our children, careers and our quality of life and ability we have to travel and enjoy life with friends and within my new family. I hope the good stuff in my life continues and that each day brings my Family closer to peace that Mom and Dad are in a GOOD place and believe that they are watching over us. I just miss them so much and I continue to miss the involvement and role they played in my life.

Harry and Elle are doing great - our sweet boy will undergo ear tube surgery at Children's hospital on Valentines day (2 months younger than Elle when she had this same procedure). Hoping this brings much needed relief from the nasty ear infections he continues to get. Elle continues to be a sweet kid, while she is bit territorial at times and has the typical drama of a three year old, we are amazed at her kind nature. I worry at times that she isn't sticking up for herself (yes, this happens at 3 years old!!)....but I am hoping we'll continue to assure she has amazing self confidence throughout her life.

Lastly, my heart was so touched yesterday when driving the kids home from school. One of Elle's songs said the word "heaven" in it. Elle caught it instantly and yelled, "heaven!!! gramma and grampa are there". Not exactly what I ever pictured but sweet that she remembers, we talk about it and I know it will be important to her (one day) in life and she'll understand the impact they had on others and my willingness to go on with grace after tragedy. But deep down I pray I can continue to do this with "grace"...some days are harder than others and sometimes I think I am tricking myself and swaying myself in other directions to not face the true sadness. Have I really accepted their death and the way it happened? I really do not know.

All my love, Melissa

one of those weeks!

Another one of those weeks wishing I had a Mom. It's just so strange to not have her to call when things go wrong - I feel alone yet I am getting used to it. These are my kids and I have to care and love for them regardless if I don't have Mom and Dad to love them as much as we do and to care about every little detail - the milestones, the sicknesses, or frankly anything that either of the kids do that is funny (to us). Harry had a bad week...the poor kid, he is SUCH a sweetheart - he cannot catch a break these last few months. He continues to suffer from ear infections (he's undergoing ear tube surgery on Valentines day of all days) and this week he caught the nasty cough also known as "croup" which caused wheezing (strider) and it got pretty bad and caused some concern of his airways closing. We were overly cautious and I stayed overnight with him at Children's hospital to monitor him throughout the night. He did OK and was released the following day. Back up a minute....prior to leaving to take Harry to the hospital that evening - miss Elle who already had a bad day (she was bit by her friend) fell and cut above her eye open pretty badly. So....we all got in the car and headed to the ER as a Family. The Nurses and Doctors were so sweet and understanding and felt terrible both of kids were needing to be seen. Needless to say we were relieved when Ted's Mom arrived the next day. Not only is she an RN, she is always willing to help and we so appreciated her taking off work so she could watch over Harry for a few days so we could return to work. It's tough both working. I love my career and work for a great "family" company but the bottom line is - it's a business and regardless if they are flexible, the work has to get done. We are on our own here in Cincy and that's OK....we are adults, we can do this but at times I do wish we had more support around or near us. We have met incredible friends that we love dearly but our backup is limited and it's really made me consider getting a nanny. I don't like the idea of one person caring my children. I like them in a social environment where there are more eyes on them and they get the amazing benefit of school like structure and learning. Elle is so smart and I want the same for Harry but the first few years are so tough from an illness standpoint and it throws a wrench in the system when you have two working parents and no one around. It falls on you. Someone has to stay home.

I miss my Mom's voice...I miss her calmness and sweet natured caring loving person that she was. I was always the hyper-type A daughter.....I wish I was as laid back as she was. If she was around family and friends, she was happy. She was always laughing. So much time has gone by...it's so hard to believe I have been parent-less for almost 4 years. I still feel like everyday I am one second away from breaking down and running into a corner to cry my eyes out....I fight it everyday... I change stations on songs, turn off shows or movies that make me too sad and struggle listening to others at time. But no one would ever know it as I live a fairly normal life from the outside in...no one would ever know that beyond the great career, nice home, healthy-beautiful kids....that I have a lot of baggage - my brother, the lake, the death. But then again, many people have baggage and things that cause them pain. I can so relate to them and I wish I could tell them that we'll get through it. We'll keep going. Let's hold on to all of those good memories we have. No one can ever take them away and that we are one of the lucky ones who get to understand the importance of life earlier than most and raise our children even better because of it. Our devastation's bring strength and a feeling that if I can get through THIS then surely I can get through anything that is brought my way. But I worry about that statement. Yes, I am strong but I don't think I could handle anything else. I want to live the rest of my life without tragedy. I want to be here for my kids when they have kids. I don't ever want them to be lonely like me.

I miss you Mommy and Dad......and Mom would have became a Great AUNT today.....your niece (my flower girl!) welcomed a healthy baby girl Savanna Mae at Wyandotte hospital this morning....your Sister is ecstatic. I pray this is what their family needs to bring peace to their hearts. You were missed during this time so much.

And I am thinking of my girlfriends who recently welcomed beautiful children into the World...motherhood if the best gift ever.

all my love,
Melissa

our dora princess turns 3...

When we first found out we were having a girl, a sense of hope, relief and excitement came over us especially for me. I was so utterly heartbroken with my Parents death and was in search for something..I didn't know what. I knew there wouldn't be anything that could fill the void but more so take away some of the pain and shift the energy to a baby was helpful. Elle turned three years old today. I guess I really cannot believe it. So much time has passed, so many things I want to update my Parents on with me, the kids, how I'm juggling a career, a home, a new baby.....I really miss having my own family to care about us and to share our lives with. Elle has gotten so big and bright. She is definitely a Daddy's girl which really started when Harry was born. She has been a great big Sis...and she is getting quite the personality these days. She started dance last weekend which will be fun and she is totally into Dora the explorer right now. We are so proud of who she is just at a young 3 years old. She is sweet and caring and mindful of other's feelings. We have taken the approach of having a big birthday every other year...so this year it will be a small celebration....but filled with special memories nonetheless. She was greeted by pink pancakes this morning and gifts and treats made for school....she'll have her BFF over tonight for Pizza and ice cream and then another celebration this weekend when Ted's parents, my sister, aydan come into town. So many gifts and cards have arrived from Family...it is so nice to know Elle is thought of on her special day and loved by so many. Elle has been such a blessing to our Family and I need to appreciate more how lucky Ted and I are to have TWO healthy, beautiful children. I know everyone is not so lucky in this area. I have my days of such happiness - taking it all in - knowing how special these last few years have been but then there are days where I am just simply angry, sad, and totally bummed out about my Parents death. There is no separating their loss for me...I wish I could think of Elle's birthday as Elle's birthday but it's Elle's birthday less my Parents and knowing because she is 3 means they have almost been gone for 4 years......I wish I didn't think that way but I know for a fact anyone else tragically losing parents, a child, ties them together with the rest of their life's events. It's so hard not to as much I wish I could separate them....I miss my Dad so much. He was such a cool guy. I think of such silly things about him...we moved our dining room table into our kitchen to make it an eat in kitchen and more functional use of our space. This will thrill him. I miss sharing these little things with them. It's just so weird. I honestly think I will feel like this for the rest of my life. I will be fine, I know I will be....but in the back of my mind and deep in my heart I have deep sadness. Deep sadness for the way my Parents died and for what they are missing. They would be so proud and happy to see my beautiful children.

Miss Elle, you are such a princess! I love you more than you will ever know or understand and I am so proud of how you have adapted to "big sister" life.....you are smarter than we can even wrap our minds around....Daddy and I look forward to what this year of YOU being THREE will bring....some ballet, maybe soccer, travels to St John and back up to the lake, memories with family and visits with our friends.......I hope I can learn to slow down a little more, stress a little less and take in all of the wonderful things you are up to these days. I cherish those evenings when I get to put you down at night...you usually want Daddy. I hug you tightly, I smell your hair, tears roll down my eyes for more reasons than one. I learned earlier then expected about life.....and what matters...I think too much at times and for this I am sorry. I love you, Elle Patricia. Happy 3rd Birthday.

Happy new year

Christmas has come and gone...and a new year has begun...we had a nice time back in MI but I was there for too long. Christmas eve was wonderful as it always has been....Mass was better than ever- the kids really enjoyed it and were simply angels during the service. We sat upfront, Harry fell asleep to the Christmas carols, Charlotte stared at the stage at whatever was happening and Elle clapped her hands after each musical sitting on Gramma's lap. The food was wonderful, enjoying wine with our friends and family, grace where my Parents were remembered and waking up to so many generous gifts under the tree for everyone- I felt calm and happy, less sad then the last few years for once.....Chris then did a great job -considering the circumstances, (and size of her apartment) putting on Christmas day dinner. She is a true entertainer just like my Parents with a talent for baking like my Mom. As I looked around watching my Grandfather smile, my daughter running around chasing Aydan, Ted cutting the ham (like Dad would be doing), Chris slicing her cheesecake and passing it around, Aunt Kim tickling Harry probably as she used to do to us when we were little...I felt at peace. Maybe not for long but I thought to myself "we are doing okay". It will NEVER be the same but we've adjusted and continue to get together as a Family no matter what.

Elle was a bit overwhelmed with all of the gifts and Harry was sick the majority of break but still in great spirits...nonetheless I'm so appreciative for the time spent with our family and the generosity of Ted's family and our extended family who thought of us this Christmas season. After Christmas was over, Ted had to work in Cincinnati for a few days... I decided to stay in MI as opposed to packing the kids up only to return to spend New Years in MI. I was antsy....and looking for things to do, people to visit with, visit the kids and wound up disappointed. People are busy, they work....even my Sis had to run Aydan around to Soccer and Hockey tournaments....I am just realizing more and more that it's not home anymore (to me). People have their own lives are busy and my family has changed (working on NOT saying my Family is GONE, my family dynamic has changed.....I still have Family). I guess it's just hard to feel at home and to have that safe environment of your Parent's home where people come to gather, to visit, and to feel welcome at all times. I know I am welcome and loved at my in-laws home, Elle has her own room for peets sake but the sense of "home" has forever changed for me and the way I feel around the Holidays.

I am not sure what the New Year has in store for the Close Family. 2011 was damn good to us....Ted and I were both promoted, Ted in fact made a big career change, we vacationed to beautiful places (Ted even more so!!), and we had a beautiful, healthy Son! While there will still be challenges and struggles I battle with daily and the craziness of our lives now with two children, working full time- I am still proud where we are today. After everything our family has suffered, the courage and resiliency we've shown is admirable and I continue to be proud of how my Sister and I have handled my Parent's death. I look forward (with some tears) to singing Happy Birthday to Elle later this month as she turns the big 3 years old...I am truly amazed at how quickly time has flown by.

All my love and hope for another blessed year filled with less tears and sadness moving towards peace and hope for a brighter future....and making new memories and creating new traditions with friends and family and to never lose sight of our loved ones we miss so very much.

Melissa