Chicago

Even though Ted traveled extensively this last year and even more so after Harrison was born, I feel terrible leaving the two kids when traveling for business. It's harder for Men. They at times don't know the little tricks and stress over multi-tasking. I have a system in the morning when he is gone. It's a lot of work but its manageable if you plan right. Evenings are tough. You walk through the door at 6pm, both kids need to eat, be changed, bathed, Grace needs to eat and go out, their bags need to be unpacked.....it's a long day for the kids at school so I always hold Harrison while trying to get everything done. I am thankful, though, that I am rewarded at work for my hard work and dedication for the business and company. I was awarded last week- the best in class award- for my team. I had a really good year but it was even more exciting because it was the year I was pregnant and welcomed a new baby to the World, a time where some shift priorities and yet I somehow managed to get it all done. This is a great place to work and leaving the kids all day will always be hard but at least its for a good reason and to give them a wonderful life with options. I hope I have the ability one day to take them on tours to any college they would like to attend.

We hosted a nice Holiday happy hour with our friends this past weekend & I ran the church Christmas party for St Marys on Sunday which was a success and the busy weekends won't stop until the New Year which is how I like it during this time of the year. The key for me is to keep busy. It's when I stop, hear a sad Christmas Carol, looking at my Mom's tree, that the painful reminder of my family missing returns. It comes in waves. I see pictures of Aydan, Elle and Harrison and while I am so proud of what amazing children they are- I am SO sad my Parents cannot be here to share these special memories with us all.

We have Ted's new companies' Christmas party this Friday and then breakfast with Santa and some of Elle's friends on Saturday at the sports club. Following weekend we get to head back to MI for our annual Griswold Christmas party with our best of friends.....look forward to spending time with everyone as we approach the end of another year....

En route to Chicago today. Hoping to make a stop on Magnificent Mile and enjoy a fun, trendy, dinner out with a co-worker after a long day of training! Chicago is my favorite city and I know it will look very festive and all lit up! I have so many cherished memories from living in Chicago out of College, having my Parents visit, being engaged, having such fun with my roomate Nicky.....

All my love,
Melissa

thankful

I love having my family at my home....a sense of comfort comes over while they are here...like your parents do, your Aunt and Uncle care about you and your children a great deal especially when you are as a close to my Aunt as I am and the fact that she had such a special bond with my Mom and Dad makes it even more important that the closeness remains. I can be myself. I can say what I want. They feel comfortable in my home. They are proud of me. I SO miss that. I miss more than anything having my Parents around and seeing me as a Mom and seeing all of the good things that Ted and I are doing and the parents and people we have become over the last 3 1/2 years...having family/siblings of my Parents around makes it less painful...

We walked to our town square Friday evening, saw the decorations and lights up making Hyde Park look even more quaint and festive ....after Elle confirmed she didn't like Santa, we headed into the local coffee/wine shop and split a bottle of wine and chatted while Elle ate cookies and milk and Harry smiled at everyone that walked by. It was nice and relaxing. My Aunt and Uncle like being where the action is...they enjoy our town. Saturday Ted made a wonderful Turkey and I made a bunch of sides and dessert...and we just relaxed and enjoyed each other's company. I got to do a little shopping around with Harry and my Aunt...again, just really nice to spend time with my own Family....a breathe of much needed "fresh air".

Dad, were you laughing or pissed off when I screamed at Ted as he picked up the turkey to transfer it to the platter and grease dropped all over MY counter? I know you would have been in the kitchen all weekend cooking if you were here. You always got mad and defensive when I was overbearing with Ted "I'm outta here". I haven't changed ( just in case you were wondering!). You would be so proud of your big sister...she's about done with her Masters degree and is considering a PHD...pretty impressive over 50.... she is truly reinventing herself. I look at our family- many of us suffered great pain from your loss and yet we are still honoring your lives by remaining close, enjoying each other, smiling at your pictures or laughing and at times crying- when we reminisce. I am proud to be a part of this Family. We are not perfect. Some are stronger than others....some have held it in......but we are doing okay, Dad. Tell Mom your Sister and I put a huge dent in the "Belgian" chocolates and cookies Aunt Diann always brings and that we went back for seconds of the pumpkin creamy pie....things haven't changed here with the love for desserts. I remember when we were all together 4 years ago at the house for fake thanksgiving.....such a memorable weekend....you were missed.

The kids are great. My heart breaks that a happy, adorably cute kiddo like Harry continues to get colds and such.....the first year is SO tough from a sickness perspective. I am staying home (again) tomorrow...this too shall pass.....and it could be so much worse. There are really sick children out there....but it still makes me sad. I would be calling you to tell you about it. You would feel sad too and would want to fix it. Elle talks nonstop, I think she is like me in that way....BUT has totally turned into a Daddy's girl since Harrison. Their favorite tradition has become Saturday Dunkin Donut runs.....chocolate munchkins (I pick my battles)...they both get such enjoyment out of that little time together.

I will miss you both this Thanksgiving...my heart will ache as I sit at the table looking around at everyone and knowing my Family is gone and thinking of Justin alone at the hospital......I will do my best to smile and be thankful for what I had and still hold onto in my heart and for all of the blessings I have received this year with the birth of Harrison and the continued joy Elle brings into my life. And Chris is rocking nursing school. She'll get it done, Mom and Dad...I can feel it.

Thankful for you both and all you have done to make me the person I am today,

Melissa

say hello to her

I remember my friend mentioning her name and story one day when we were walking over maternity leave...."diagnosed with a rare form of lung cancer, 31 years old, 6 month year old daughter". I thought, wow...that is terrible but thinking in my head she would make it, they would find a cure. Surely she won't die THAT young and leave her little daughter and husband....

Well, this weekend I received a text message that 7.5 months later after her diagnosis, she passed....a very hard battle......I read a blog post from her youngest Sister the day after she died. I balled my eyes out. She seemed like the most amazing person, beautiful, young, a new Mom, a handsome husband, great family and friends and a person who really gave back to the World and had such strong faith. A person who had an all Holiday Christmas tree up. Her entire family was by her side when she passed. I read the words of her Sister's blog and while I was crying because I could relate (not to her story particularly) but to the fresh pain of those early days of the tragedy, I have no idea what it would have been like to be there. Those early days are shocking, painful and filled with disbelief that "this" could ever happen to "your" family. As I continued to read on about watching her sister take her very last breath and how her daughter was only a year and 1/2 was outside of the hospital room sleeping in someone's arms. She has no idea......her Mom just died and while it seems she has so many loving family members surrounding her, she will never know what it's like to have a Mom. She'll only hear through family and pictures and videos....it sounds like she left such a legacy....I pray her daughter will grow up always feeling presence from her Mom and that she continues to be a huge part of her life. From not even knowing these people and only hearing this all through a friend and a blog, it seems their family was so close........it just hit home for me. I was envious (how dare I say that) that they all got to say goodbye, as painful as it was. They got to hold her hand and hug her and love her and say everything imaginable that you ever wanted to say. And now, because her death was somewhat expected, of course not this soon, but they get to plan a funeral filled with honoring her life and her amazing courage and love for life during a horrific battle. I think back to my parent's funeral. There is so much more I wish we would have done....it was too tragic though but to this family- their story is just as tragic just in a different way. Ugh, death is so hard and when I hear heartbreaking stories such as this they always impact me pretty deeply. I thought about this person who died so young all weekend, I prayed for her Mom and Dad and Husband and Daughter.....how heartbreaking. I know how terribly hard the Holidays will be this year and for many to come. I wish I could hug them and tell them they will eventually be "okay" maybe never the same, but they will get through it and continue to live their lives but will always carry heartache that many will never understand. They will smile and laugh again, I promise.

In the blog she was asking her Sister if Heaven was everything she had imagined...clouds that look like pink cotton candy......I wonder that, too. My faith has been questioned. I want to believe so badly that my Family and this beautiful girl, and my grandparents are in a magical place but it will never replace the deep sadness of wishing they were here. Sometimes I don't care how beautiful Heaven is suppose to be- we needed them here.....I hugged my kids extra tight this weekend....I cannot imagine dying at this age and leaving behind my babies. Missing their entire life....and I also think about how I never want my kids to be as sad as I am about missing their Mom and Dad. I never want them to miss us and avoid happiness and joy at times because they are so consumed that we are not there. I want to raise them to believe and know Ted and I will always be there, no matter what happens. Even when we're long gone....I want them to know we are still there, living through them. Who knows...maybe that's what my parents are wishing for me right now. Maybe they are really sad looking down and seeing how much I miss them. All I want is for them to meet my kids and see me as a Mom. I'm all grown up now in just 3 1/2 years. And just like this family will soon come to face, you won't believe how fast time passes and as you get further and further away from their death, you start to forget what their voice sounded like or what they smelled like when they would hug you....I hate that part. I miss you Mom and Dad.....say hello to this new person up there.....she seemed like an amazing, beautiful, girl.

All my love and hope,

Melissa

Fall is in the air

Now I understand fully why Fall was my Mom's favorite time of the year......I know how proud they would be of their grand kids, Ted and I......here are some of my favorite pics from the Season so far.

Mom and Dad, you're missed more then you could ever imagine....happy Fall and happy Halloween from all of us. WISHING YOU WERE HERE FOR ALL OF THIS....you would be visiting, playing with the kids, Dad would cook, Mom would bake, we would have drinks, you loved our neighborhood....I miss sharing my life with you. Harry has his first ear infection today. I wanted to call you. I wanted to tell you how cute Elle was trick or treating......and brag how handsome Aydan is these days. You're missing so much. I think you are as sad as I am. You would want to be here. Right?

Love you, Melissa

Working Mother

Wow, traveling with two babies at home, while breastfeeding has been interesting. I am proud I've been able to stick it out but it's challenging when you're traveling across the US to Portland and the three hour time change and trying to keep everything on schedule. I've had to deal with cancelled flights, dinners going over with customers and missing my pumping time. But, it's worked and I am hopeful I can make it to 6 months. That is my goal before switching to formula. I am blessed to work for a great. flexible, family owned company. I am traveling this week in Portland with a fabulous co-worker and after work we've gotten pedicures, had great meals and a glass of wine, and even popped into some cool shops along the way. If I am going to be away from my Family, I am happy to have some fun.

The kids are amazing. Harry is such a beautiful, sweet baby. I cannot explain how chill he is. The child doesn't cry. It's wonderful. He just wants to be held and smiled at and fed and he is HAPPY. Miss Elle is getting smarter by the day....full sentences, full on conversations, counting in spanish, has real feelings now...she'll say that she's not in a good mood or that she's happy and she'll easily identify if someone else is feeling down and tells them "it's okay". She is very sweet and loving. I am so lucky. If only Mom and Dad could meet them and love them like I do...

Fall is here....we have our dear friend visiting this weekend that is moving to Hawaii for 6 months, we've booked our family vacation to St John for next year, Ted is pursing a new opportunity, Chris is plugging away at Nursing School, Aydan continues to be an all star in soccer and hockey, I finally get to meet our new niece over Thanksgiving, I am seeing Justin again for the second time over the Holidays....lots of things are happening. Life is happening, quickly.

a year since A healing heart

Wow, amazing weather this weekend...enjoyed some "family time"...

I realized today that it's been a year since "A Healing Heart"...it's tough when I read through those pages of my first year after the loss. It almost gets harder as the years go by....so hard to think it's getting longer and longer that I last saw my Family together. But, I know this legacy I have left behind for my children to one day read makes this project beyond special. They may not understand now, or even years from now, but one day.....they will read it and get it....to the best of their abilities. They will know how special my Parents were. But will never replace actually knowing them yet provides some peace to my heart....I would love to work with Wayne Holmes again one day....I have so much to "say" since this tragic loss, facing my brother, hating mental illness, giving birth to beautiful babies, living out of State and on our own, having amazing friendships yet difficult relationships, being let down, not able to "let go", owning a second home that was your parents and how you want to hang on to it because you feel it's all you have left of them but deep down you don't even enjoy being there anymore....there is so much to say, to be heartbroken about but also so proud and thankful for. Thank you, A healing heart......you will live on......

This is your Life

I came across this and it now sits in front of me at my desk. Very inspirational....today, I was reflecting on my Parents life...tomorrow they would have been married for 34 years. I was thinking of their last anniversary we spent with them and taking them to dinner....they were so happy and excited to be with Ted and I. It felt so nice to treat them to a nice dinner. We were all grown up, making our own money, able to take them to a nice place to celebrate. They were proud. I read this list and I'm doing a lot of this, and I am aware of so much because of the loss of my parents and watching my kids grow so quickly and being so proud (yet so afraid) of my Sister and her taking a "leap of faith" going to school full time to be a nurse as a single Mom.....LIFE is so short and of course I want to enjoy every moment and live my dream but all of that has become harder and harder to do because of the loss. It's not easy to just live on and be yourself and find happiness when your heart is still completely broken. Fall (Mom's favorite time of the year) and the upcoming Holidays all are just the most painful months of the year aside from the month of April and I am doing my best to think positively knowing it cannot be changed. I am so proud of Christina and I and our ability to handle this situation and to still be there for my brother...

Teddy is interviewing for a new job today. Really excited for a new opportunity that has come his way....wishing him all the best...and I happily accepted a new raise last week...that made it a little easier as I was leaving my Son for the first time. I know he's okay but it still bothers me that all day he is at school and not being held much and not being catered to like he has been for the past several months. I miss my days with him but know by me working and having a great career- I can provide a better future for him and Elle. I even more so thank my Mom for staying home with me and my siblings. (I don't think I could do it) I know she enjoyed every minute of it (as she told me that before)....I wish I could thank her for all she did and for all that she was to me. I didn't tell her enough what an awesome Mom she was. Time is flying by so fast.....I miss their voice.....it's like forever since I have seen them....it's a crazy feeling. I miss my Family. This is MY life....and I will continue to "travel often" and "appreciate every bite when I eat" ....