Dear Mom and Dad,

our dora princess turns 3...

2012-01-19T15:46:00.003-05:00

When we first found out we were having a girl, a sense of hope, relief and excitement came over us especially for me. I was so utterly heartbroken with my Parents death and was in search for something..I didn't know what. I knew there wouldn't be anything that could fill the void but more so take away some of the pain and shift the energy to a baby was helpful. Elle turned three years old today. I guess I really cannot believe it. So much time has passed, so many things I want to update my Parents on with me, the kids, how I'm juggling a career, a home, a new baby.....I really miss having my own family to care about us and to share our lives with. Elle has gotten so big and bright. She is definitely a Daddy's girl which really started when Harry was born. She has been a great big Sis...and she is getting quite the personality these days. She started dance last weekend which will be fun and she is totally into Dora the explorer right now. We are so proud of who she is just at a young 3 years old. She is sweet and caring and mindful of other's feelings. We have taken the approach of having a big birthday every other year...so this year it will be a small celebration....but filled with special memories nonetheless. She was greeted by pink pancakes this morning and gifts and treats made for school....she'll have her BFF over tonight for Pizza and ice cream and then another celebration this weekend when Ted's parents, my sister, aydan come into town. So many gifts and cards have arrived from Family...it is so nice to know Elle is thought of on her special day and loved by so many. Elle has been such a blessing to our Family and I need to appreciate more how lucky Ted and I are to have TWO healthy, beautiful children. I know everyone is not so lucky in this area. I have my days of such happiness - taking it all in - knowing how special these last few years have been but then there are days where I am just simply angry, sad, and totally bummed out about my Parents death. There is no separating their loss for me...I wish I could think of Elle's birthday as Elle's birthday but it's Elle's birthday less my Parents and knowing because she is 3 means they have almost been gone for 4 years......I wish I didn't think that way but I know for a fact anyone else tragically losing parents, a child, ties them together with the rest of their life's events. It's so hard not to as much I wish I could separate them....I miss my Dad so much. He was such a cool guy. I think of such silly things about him...we moved our dining room table into our kitchen to make it an eat in kitchen and more functional use of our space. This will thrill him. I miss sharing these little things with them. It's just so weird. I honestly think I will feel like this for the rest of my life. I will be fine, I know I will be....but in the back of my mind and deep in my heart I have deep sadness. Deep sadness for the way my Parents died and for what they are missing. They would be so proud and happy to see my beautiful children.

Miss Elle, you are such a princess! I love you more than you will ever know or understand and I am so proud of how you have adapted to "big sister" life.....you are smarter than we can even wrap our minds around....Daddy and I look forward to what this year of YOU being THREE will bring....some ballet, maybe soccer, travels to St John and back up to the lake, memories with family and visits with our friends.......I hope I can learn to slow down a little more, stress a little less and take in all of the wonderful things you are up to these days. I cherish those evenings when I get to put you down at night...you usually want Daddy. I hug you tightly, I smell your hair, tears roll down my eyes for more reasons than one. I learned earlier then expected about life.....and what matters...I think too much at times and for this I am sorry. I love you, Elle Patricia. Happy 3rd Birthday.

Happy new year

2012-01-05T12:06:00.004-05:00

Christmas has come and gone...and a new year has begun...we had a nice time back in MI but I was there for too long. Christmas eve was wonderful as it always has been....Mass was better than ever- the kids really enjoyed it and were simply angels during the service. We sat upfront, Harry fell asleep to the Christmas carols, Charlotte stared at the stage at whatever was happening and Elle clapped her hands after each musical sitting on Gramma's lap. The food was wonderful, enjoying wine with our friends and family, grace where my Parents were remembered and waking up to so many generous gifts under the tree for everyone- I felt calm and happy, less sad then the last few years for once.....Chris then did a great job -considering the circumstances, (and size of her apartment) putting on Christmas day dinner. She is a true entertainer just like my Parents with a talent for baking like my Mom. As I looked around watching my Grandfather smile, my daughter running around chasing Aydan, Ted cutting the ham (like Dad would be doing), Chris slicing her cheesecake and passing it around, Aunt Kim tickling Harry probably as she used to do to us when we were little...I felt at peace. Maybe not for long but I thought to myself "we are doing okay". It will NEVER be the same but we've adjusted and continue to get together as a Family no matter what.

Elle was a bit overwhelmed with all of the gifts and Harry was sick the majority of break but still in great spirits...nonetheless I'm so appreciative for the time spent with our family and the generosity of Ted's family and our extended family who thought of us this Christmas season. After Christmas was over, Ted had to work in Cincinnati for a few days... I decided to stay in MI as opposed to packing the kids up only to return to spend New Years in MI. I was antsy....and looking for things to do, people to visit with, visit the kids and wound up disappointed. People are busy, they work....even my Sis had to run Aydan around to Soccer and Hockey tournaments....I am just realizing more and more that it's not home anymore (to me). People have their own lives are busy and my family has changed (working on NOT saying my Family is GONE, my family dynamic has changed.....I still have Family). I guess it's just hard to feel at home and to have that safe environment of your Parent's home where people come to gather, to visit, and to feel welcome at all times. I know I am welcome and loved at my in-laws home, Elle has her own room for peets sake but the sense of "home" has forever changed for me and the way I feel around the Holidays.

I am not sure what the New Year has in store for the Close Family. 2011 was damn good to us....Ted and I were both promoted, Ted in fact made a big career change, we vacationed to beautiful places (Ted even more so!!), and we had a beautiful, healthy Son! While there will still be challenges and struggles I battle with daily and the craziness of our lives now with two children, working full time- I am still proud where we are today. After everything our family has suffered, the courage and resiliency we've shown is admirable and I continue to be proud of how my Sister and I have handled my Parent's death. I look forward (with some tears) to singing Happy Birthday to Elle later this month as she turns the big 3 years old...I am truly amazed at how quickly time has flown by.

All my love and hope for another blessed year filled with less tears and sadness moving towards peace and hope for a brighter future....and making new memories and creating new traditions with friends and family and to never lose sight of our loved ones we miss so very much.

Melissa

Where are you Christmas?

2011-12-20T14:43:00.003-05:00

It is hard to believe Christmas is this Sunday.....I cried when I heard that song by Faith Hill "where are you Christmas". I've been asking myself that question for 3 and 1/2 years, I've lost so much Christmas spirit since their death. I know they wouldn't want this. Another year gone by without Mom and Dad. Another beautiful, healthy child born who is now 6 months old who brings so much joy to my life. Another year of missing my parents smiling faces, their love, support and encouragement...I am definitely getting used to this new life-without an immediate family unit-while it's lonely, I cherish the memories made and the family I still have. But I get really homesick around the Holidays. Everyone around me (I feel) is hustling and bustling to prepare for the whirlwind of the Holidays...sure, I had to buy presents for our family and wrap and put some thought into what I would buy for everyone and decorate and we hosted a Christmas happy hour and we baked Christmas cookies...but it's different since my Parents have passed. I think of the Holiday differently. They don't feel the same. I no longer have to plan out the Holidays, we head back to the Close's and stay there the entire break. No leaving for my Parents house Christmas day or talking with my Mom several times throughout the day about the family gift exchange, when I am going to help her with cheesecakes this year (I mainly was there for support of licking the bowls), or coordinating when we would get together with the Close Family (she had them to our house for Christmas day the last Christmas they were alive). While I am blessed to have my own family now and to create new traditions within, it's difficult and very different for me to accept the new norm....I miss sharing the Holidays with my Family. I can only imagine the joy Aydan, Elle and Harrison would bring to my their life and how it would brighten their Holidays up even more. Mom loved Christmas...decked the house out, baked every cookie and cheesecake imaginable, always had the door open on Christmas day for friends and family to drop by....everyone would be popping in to see the grand kids. Not only did I lose Mom and Dad, we lost a lot of their friends too....we just don't have that opportunity now to gather like we did...

With all of that said, I am blessed to spend Christmas eve with the Close Family, my Sister, and our friends and to be able to wake up Christmas morning with my beautiful, healthy kids, a home filled with gifts, food and lots of love...we are spoiled Christmas morning! I know many people are suffering and sad this Holiday Season for losing loved ones. I think back to my friend's friend that died in November of cancer in her early 30's....she won't be there to watch her daughter open presents this Christmas. Her husband must be feeling such sadness....I don't even know them but I am praying they find some peace and comfort over the next week and that memories of her bring smiles to their face. Also, my two best friends lost people this week....a Grandfather and an Aunt. I know how much extended family means to me even more so after losing mom and dad. My grandfather is now the glue of the family. My heart goes out to them and their families. I pray Mom and Dad welcome all of these wonderful people into Heaven.....but I know all of us that have lost loved ones know we would much rather have them here with us. As magical I would like to believe Heaven is, doesn't take away the sadness. It's a really emotional time. I want nothing more than to share my children with my Parents.

I am also thinking of my brother and all anyone fighting mental illness in their family. He's making progress and has learned so much about his condition. I will see him on the 30th to bring him dinner and to celebrate a late Christmas. This will be the second time I see him. It's very difficult but I am able to separate him to what he did. That was not my brother and he was very sick. My anger is toward the medication and illness of mental illness not at my brother. I know that's hard for many people to understand but if I thought about him actually taking my Parents life- which I did for the first two years, I would live in such fear and would keep myself away from him to protect my feelings and sadness. I need to accept his illness and do my best to one day accept the way they died. But as I am learning through therapy, that part will always be there...it was too tragic to forget it or to deny it happened. But it will lessen with time but there will always be tears...

Merry Christmas to my Family in Heaven- you are missed everyday, my Brother who will be lonely this Christmas, anyone out there who has lost somebody they loved this year...and to all of my loved ones and friends who provide support, friendship and love to me throughout the year. I end this year thankful....thankful for the beautiful trips I took this year, the visits with friends, the birth of my Son and the sweetness he brings to my life, watching Elle grow into a beautiful smart almost 3 year old, spending time with my Grandfather who is healthy and enjoying his life after heartache, another great year at SC Johnson filled with a promotion and another best in class award, Ted's career change to a World Class organization, my nephew's success in Soccer and Hockey and lastly, I am thankful my Sister has passed her first semester of Nursing School.

All my love and hope for another year filled with blessings and success...and that my parents memory lives on and that 2012 brings us closer to peace....

Melissa

Chicago

2011-12-06T06:30:00.003-05:00

Even though Ted traveled extensively this last year and even more so after Harrison was born, I feel terrible leaving the two kids when traveling for business. It's harder for Men. They at times don't know the little tricks and stress over multi-tasking. I have a system in the morning when he is gone. It's a lot of work but its manageable if you plan right. Evenings are tough. You walk through the door at 6pm, both kids need to eat, be changed, bathed, Grace needs to eat and go out, their bags need to be unpacked.....it's a long day for the kids at school so I always hold Harrison while trying to get everything done. I am thankful, though, that I am rewarded at work for my hard work and dedication for the business and company. I was awarded last week- the best in class award- for my team. I had a really good year but it was even more exciting because it was the year I was pregnant and welcomed a new baby to the World, a time where some shift priorities and yet I somehow managed to get it all done. This is a great place to work and leaving the kids all day will always be hard but at least its for a good reason and to give them a wonderful life with options. I hope I have the ability one day to take them on tours to any college they would like to attend.

We hosted a nice Holiday happy hour with our friends this past weekend & I ran the church Christmas party for St Marys on Sunday which was a success and the busy weekends won't stop until the New Year which is how I like it during this time of the year. The key for me is to keep busy. It's when I stop, hear a sad Christmas Carol, looking at my Mom's tree, that the painful reminder of my family missing returns. It comes in waves. I see pictures of Aydan, Elle and Harrison and while I am so proud of what amazing children they are- I am SO sad my Parents cannot be here to share these special memories with us all.

We have Ted's new companies' Christmas party this Friday and then breakfast with Santa and some of Elle's friends on Saturday at the sports club. Following weekend we get to head back to MI for our annual Griswold Christmas party with our best of friends.....look forward to spending time with everyone as we approach the end of another year....

En route to Chicago today. Hoping to make a stop on Magnificent Mile and enjoy a fun, trendy, dinner out with a co-worker after a long day of training! Chicago is my favorite city and I know it will look very festive and all lit up! I have so many cherished memories from living in Chicago out of College, having my Parents visit, being engaged, having such fun with my roomate Nicky.....

All my love,
Melissa

thankful

2011-11-20T20:54:00.007-05:00

I love having my family at my home....a sense of comfort comes over while they are here...like your parents do, your Aunt and Uncle care about you and your children a great deal especially when you are as a close to my Aunt as I am and the fact that she had such a special bond with my Mom and Dad makes it even more important that the closeness remains. I can be myself. I can say what I want. They feel comfortable in my home. They are proud of me. I SO miss that. I miss more than anything having my Parents around and seeing me as a Mom and seeing all of the good things that Ted and I are doing and the parents and people we have become over the last 3 1/2 years...having family/siblings of my Parents around makes it less painful...

We walked to our town square Friday evening, saw the decorations and lights up making Hyde Park look even more quaint and festive ....after Elle confirmed she didn't like Santa, we headed into the local coffee/wine shop and split a bottle of wine and chatted while Elle ate cookies and milk and Harry smiled at everyone that walked by. It was nice and relaxing. My Aunt and Uncle like being where the action is...they enjoy our town. Saturday Ted made a wonderful Turkey and I made a bunch of sides and dessert...and we just relaxed and enjoyed each other's company. I got to do a little shopping around with Harry and my Aunt...again, just really nice to spend time with my own Family....a breathe of much needed "fresh air".

Dad, were you laughing or pissed off when I screamed at Ted as he picked up the turkey to transfer it to the platter and grease dropped all over MY counter? I know you would have been in the kitchen all weekend cooking if you were here. You always got mad and defensive when I was overbearing with Ted "I'm outta here". I haven't changed ( just in case you were wondering!). You would be so proud of your big sister...she's about done with her Masters degree and is considering a PHD...pretty impressive over 50.... she is truly reinventing herself. I look at our family- many of us suffered great pain from your loss and yet we are still honoring your lives by remaining close, enjoying each other, smiling at your pictures or laughing and at times crying- when we reminisce. I am proud to be a part of this Family. We are not perfect. Some are stronger than others....some have held it in......but we are doing okay, Dad. Tell Mom your Sister and I put a huge dent in the "Belgian" chocolates and cookies Aunt Diann always brings and that we went back for seconds of the pumpkin creamy pie....things haven't changed here with the love for desserts. I remember when we were all together 4 years ago at the house for fake thanksgiving.....such a memorable weekend....you were missed.

The kids are great. My heart breaks that a happy, adorably cute kiddo like Harry continues to get colds and such.....the first year is SO tough from a sickness perspective. I am staying home (again) tomorrow...this too shall pass.....and it could be so much worse. There are really sick children out there....but it still makes me sad. I would be calling you to tell you about it. You would feel sad too and would want to fix it. Elle talks nonstop, I think she is like me in that way....BUT has totally turned into a Daddy's girl since Harrison. Their favorite tradition has become Saturday Dunkin Donut runs.....chocolate munchkins (I pick my battles)...they both get such enjoyment out of that little time together.

I will miss you both this Thanksgiving...my heart will ache as I sit at the table looking around at everyone and knowing my Family is gone and thinking of Justin alone at the hospital......I will do my best to smile and be thankful for what I had and still hold onto in my heart and for all of the blessings I have received this year with the birth of Harrison and the continued joy Elle brings into my life. And Chris is rocking nursing school. She'll get it done, Mom and Dad...I can feel it.

Thankful for you both and all you have done to make me the person I am today,

Melissa

say hello to her

2011-11-06T20:04:00.003-05:00

I remember my friend mentioning her name and story one day when we were walking over maternity leave...."diagnosed with a rare form of lung cancer, 31 years old, 6 month year old daughter". I thought, wow...that is terrible but thinking in my head she would make it, they would find a cure. Surely she won't die THAT young and leave her little daughter and husband....

Well, this weekend I received a text message that 7.5 months later after her diagnosis, she passed....a very hard battle......I read a blog post from her youngest Sister the day after she died. I balled my eyes out. She seemed like the most amazing person, beautiful, young, a new Mom, a handsome husband, great family and friends and a person who really gave back to the World and had such strong faith. A person who had an all Holiday Christmas tree up. Her entire family was by her side when she passed. I read the words of her Sister's blog and while I was crying because I could relate (not to her story particularly) but to the fresh pain of those early days of the tragedy, I have no idea what it would have been like to be there. Those early days are shocking, painful and filled with disbelief that "this" could ever happen to "your" family. As I continued to read on about watching her sister take her very last breath and how her daughter was only a year and 1/2 was outside of the hospital room sleeping in someone's arms. She has no idea......her Mom just died and while it seems she has so many loving family members surrounding her, she will never know what it's like to have a Mom. She'll only hear through family and pictures and videos....it sounds like she left such a legacy....I pray her daughter will grow up always feeling presence from her Mom and that she continues to be a huge part of her life. From not even knowing these people and only hearing this all through a friend and a blog, it seems their family was so close........it just hit home for me. I was envious (how dare I say that) that they all got to say goodbye, as painful as it was. They got to hold her hand and hug her and love her and say everything imaginable that you ever wanted to say. And now, because her death was somewhat expected, of course not this soon, but they get to plan a funeral filled with honoring her life and her amazing courage and love for life during a horrific battle. I think back to my parent's funeral. There is so much more I wish we would have done....it was too tragic though but to this family- their story is just as tragic just in a different way. Ugh, death is so hard and when I hear heartbreaking stories such as this they always impact me pretty deeply. I thought about this person who died so young all weekend, I prayed for her Mom and Dad and Husband and Daughter.....how heartbreaking. I know how terribly hard the Holidays will be this year and for many to come. I wish I could hug them and tell them they will eventually be "okay" maybe never the same, but they will get through it and continue to live their lives but will always carry heartache that many will never understand. They will smile and laugh again, I promise.

In the blog she was asking her Sister if Heaven was everything she had imagined...clouds that look like pink cotton candy......I wonder that, too. My faith has been questioned. I want to believe so badly that my Family and this beautiful girl, and my grandparents are in a magical place but it will never replace the deep sadness of wishing they were here. Sometimes I don't care how beautiful Heaven is suppose to be- we needed them here.....I hugged my kids extra tight this weekend....I cannot imagine dying at this age and leaving behind my babies. Missing their entire life....and I also think about how I never want my kids to be as sad as I am about missing their Mom and Dad. I never want them to miss us and avoid happiness and joy at times because they are so consumed that we are not there. I want to raise them to believe and know Ted and I will always be there, no matter what happens. Even when we're long gone....I want them to know we are still there, living through them. Who knows...maybe that's what my parents are wishing for me right now. Maybe they are really sad looking down and seeing how much I miss them. All I want is for them to meet my kids and see me as a Mom. I'm all grown up now in just 3 1/2 years. And just like this family will soon come to face, you won't believe how fast time passes and as you get further and further away from their death, you start to forget what their voice sounded like or what they smelled like when they would hug you....I hate that part. I miss you Mom and Dad.....say hello to this new person up there.....she seemed like an amazing, beautiful, girl.

All my love and hope,

Melissa

Fall is in the air

2011-10-31T21:24:00.003-04:00

Now I understand fully why Fall was my Mom's favorite time of the year......I know how proud they would be of their grand kids, Ted and I......here are some of my favorite pics from the Season so far.

Mom and Dad, you're missed more then you could ever imagine....happy Fall and happy Halloween from all of us. WISHING YOU WERE HERE FOR ALL OF THIS....you would be visiting, playing with the kids, Dad would cook, Mom would bake, we would have drinks, you loved our neighborhood....I miss sharing my life with you. Harry has his first ear infection today. I wanted to call you. I wanted to tell you how cute Elle was trick or treating......and brag how handsome Aydan is these days. You're missing so much. I think you are as sad as I am. You would want to be here. Right?

Love you, Melissa

Working Mother

2011-10-18T19:35:00.002-04:00

Wow, traveling with two babies at home, while breastfeeding has been interesting. I am proud I've been able to stick it out but it's challenging when you're traveling across the US to Portland and the three hour time change and trying to keep everything on schedule. I've had to deal with cancelled flights, dinners going over with customers and missing my pumping time. But, it's worked and I am hopeful I can make it to 6 months. That is my goal before switching to formula. I am blessed to work for a great. flexible, family owned company. I am traveling this week in Portland with a fabulous co-worker and after work we've gotten pedicures, had great meals and a glass of wine, and even popped into some cool shops along the way. If I am going to be away from my Family, I am happy to have some fun.

The kids are amazing. Harry is such a beautiful, sweet baby. I cannot explain how chill he is. The child doesn't cry. It's wonderful. He just wants to be held and smiled at and fed and he is HAPPY. Miss Elle is getting smarter by the day....full sentences, full on conversations, counting in spanish, has real feelings now...she'll say that she's not in a good mood or that she's happy and she'll easily identify if someone else is feeling down and tells them "it's okay". She is very sweet and loving. I am so lucky. If only Mom and Dad could meet them and love them like I do...

Fall is here....we have our dear friend visiting this weekend that is moving to Hawaii for 6 months, we've booked our family vacation to St John for next year, Ted is pursing a new opportunity, Chris is plugging away at Nursing School, Aydan continues to be an all star in soccer and hockey, I finally get to meet our new niece over Thanksgiving, I am seeing Justin again for the second time over the Holidays....lots of things are happening. Life is happening, quickly.

a year since A healing heart

2011-10-09T22:15:00.004-04:00

Wow, amazing weather this weekend...enjoyed some "family time"...

I realized today that it's been a year since "A Healing Heart"...it's tough when I read through those pages of my first year after the loss. It almost gets harder as the years go by....so hard to think it's getting longer and longer that I last saw my Family together. But, I know this legacy I have left behind for my children to one day read makes this project beyond special. They may not understand now, or even years from now, but one day.....they will read it and get it....to the best of their abilities. They will know how special my Parents were. But will never replace actually knowing them yet provides some peace to my heart....I would love to work with Wayne Holmes again one day....I have so much to "say" since this tragic loss, facing my brother, hating mental illness, giving birth to beautiful babies, living out of State and on our own, having amazing friendships yet difficult relationships, being let down, not able to "let go", owning a second home that was your parents and how you want to hang on to it because you feel it's all you have left of them but deep down you don't even enjoy being there anymore....there is so much to say, to be heartbroken about but also so proud and thankful for. Thank you, A healing heart......you will live on......

This is your Life

2011-10-06T11:23:00.004-04:00

I came across this and it now sits in front of me at my desk. Very inspirational....today, I was reflecting on my Parents life...tomorrow they would have been married for 34 years. I was thinking of their last anniversary we spent with them and taking them to dinner....they were so happy and excited to be with Ted and I. It felt so nice to treat them to a nice dinner. We were all grown up, making our own money, able to take them to a nice place to celebrate. They were proud. I read this list and I'm doing a lot of this, and I am aware of so much because of the loss of my parents and watching my kids grow so quickly and being so proud (yet so afraid) of my Sister and her taking a "leap of faith" going to school full time to be a nurse as a single Mom.....LIFE is so short and of course I want to enjoy every moment and live my dream but all of that has become harder and harder to do because of the loss. It's not easy to just live on and be yourself and find happiness when your heart is still completely broken. Fall (Mom's favorite time of the year) and the upcoming Holidays all are just the most painful months of the year aside from the month of April and I am doing my best to think positively knowing it cannot be changed. I am so proud of Christina and I and our ability to handle this situation and to still be there for my brother...

Teddy is interviewing for a new job today. Really excited for a new opportunity that has come his way....wishing him all the best...and I happily accepted a new raise last week...that made it a little easier as I was leaving my Son for the first time. I know he's okay but it still bothers me that all day he is at school and not being held much and not being catered to like he has been for the past several months. I miss my days with him but know by me working and having a great career- I can provide a better future for him and Elle. I even more so thank my Mom for staying home with me and my siblings. (I don't think I could do it) I know she enjoyed every minute of it (as she told me that before)....I wish I could thank her for all she did and for all that she was to me. I didn't tell her enough what an awesome Mom she was. Time is flying by so fast.....I miss their voice.....it's like forever since I have seen them....it's a crazy feeling. I miss my Family. This is MY life....and I will continue to "travel often" and "appreciate every bite when I eat" ....

Aloha

2011-09-20T21:12:00.006-04:00

I did not think Ted being in Hawaii my last week of maternity leave would be this bad. I literally could vomit I have been so upset. I want to be in Hawaii. I know it was my decision to say I couldn't go when I was pregnant- so he took his brother, which is great, but I am left here alone for the week with the kids....and I am not going to lie, it sucks.

It's not the kids...they're great. It's me....ever since my Parents died, I HATE being alone and I thought being in MI would make it a little better since Ted's Mom would be here in the evenings and could help get Elle down, someone to eat dinner with, but it's been hard....with Elle not in school, there's not much we can do here. I miss my walks, getting coffee with friends and at least there is not this hurtful pain in my heart that there is no one here- in terms of my family to visit my Son-when in Cincinnati. We spent time with Christina over the weekend and she's thankfully having us over to her apartment for dinner tomorrow. She is so overwhelmed with school full time and Aydan and trying to get her life in order. I am so glad we got to spend some time together but she is busy during the day, everyone works...so this was just a bad idea. Cindy is so sweet and took us and the kids shopping and to dinner a few nights ago. But I sadly kept thinking of Ted sipping on amazing cocktails in one of the most beautiful places in the World. I want to be there with my husband. I really miss Ted....he's been traveling so much. I am so complicated....I have changed so much these last three years. Relationships are tough enough and you add in the tragedy, two new children and heavy work travel......emotions are high........I wish I was carefree and could accept my parents death, and smaller things like...Ted is in Hawaii...I couldn't go but I have this beautiful 3 month year old Son that needed me that still eats every 2 hours, he wouldn't have enjoyed Hawaii-let's be honest...BUT it's so hard to accept the really hard stuff that has happened and it's hard to let go of this week and let it be what it is. And my expectations need to be lowered. I thought he'd call more. That's okay. I know he's having fun with his brothers and he SO deserves this trip but so do I. Some days. from the ones I am closest to, I just want understanding but maybe they'll never really understand what it's like.

I will get through this week......he'll be back on Friday and this Hawaiian trip will be in the past and no one can ever take these 15 weeks away from my Son and I and the extra weeks this Summer that I got to spend with Elle. She's just my little friend these days.....she melted my heart today when she said the following, "don't worry Mommy, papa will be back soon.....or, "you can't go, I'll miss you" or, "do you miss your Mommy in heaven? my other gramma is at work". She is wise beyond her years and I am so sorry and guilty that I am not happier this week and that I am not soaking in the moments. I did smell her hair tonight for a long time when singing her songs before bed. As my therapist says, focus on senses....smell, touch, taste, take deep breathes...there will be less time for my mind to race and to think and to get myself all worked up.........tough week Mom and Dad. I would love more than anything to drive to Allen Park to see you this week. We'd hang out. Mom and I would take the kids places. I miss my Family in Heaven, in Hawaii and frankly I miss my Family that is right in front of me.
I will sign off with this.....I am grateful for the memories I have had with my loved ones, my amazing trip to Hawaii with Ted 5 years ago and countless other places, and the beautiful children I have in front of me.....may this week end better than it started and may Ted get home safely.

Love,
Melissa

thinking of the kids!

2011-09-09T08:28:00.006-04:00

It breaks my heart watching the today show this week as they cover the 10 year anniversary of 9/11...and I was so touched when they featured many of the children, now grown up, who lost a parent in this tragedy. A camp has been created called "America's camp" for the children that suffered loss during 9/11. A place where they can come to be a kid and most importantly from my perspective, be surrounded by others that feel the same way and can understand their pain. I look at these kids and I think while I hate the way my parents died-probably one of the worst ways to go- yet at least I had my parents through my childhood years, they got to watch me graduate high school, sit in the stands to cheer me on for 8 years of running track and clap with pride as I accepted MVP my senior year and camp champ at the annual cheer leading camp I attended, and Mom got to move me in to my first apartment in Kalamazoo, MI and then watch me graduate from WMU and accept my first job in Chicago........Ted was able to ask my Dad if he could marry me...and my parents got to watch their first daughter marry a guy they adored.....and they got to travel to all the different places we lived....and they got to welcome their first Grandchild to the world...while my heart aches every day for different reasons-they are missing SO much, today I reflect on what I did get to experience-that these 9/11 kids never did.....I had the best parents and I think that's why this has been even more painful...knowing what could have been.

Today is grandparents day at Elle's school....I sent in a book that Cindy put together for Elle when she was born called "in case you ever wonder"...inside is a picture of my parents and one of her and Steve.....I took this book to school for Elle today. She plans to share with her class that she has grandparents in heaven and grandparents in MI. I want Elle to know and understand. What if she never does?

Mom lost her Mom around 30...even though Gramma got to meet us all and babysit and celebrate birthdays, I know Mom lived her next 20 years wishing her Mom was here. I now relate and my biggest fear is that my kids will one day relate....I pray they never have to miss Ted and I at a young age. I would never want them to be sad, wishing we were here along their journey....I hope I can raise them to understand and believe that we are always with them...no matter what. I wish continued peace and faith for the 9-11 kids and my own family and anyone else out there who has lost parents at a young age....sending you the biggest hug and understanding of your pain...

I have two weeks left with Harrison....this has gone by so fast....I will be so sad to leave him.

All my love,

Melissa

special moments

2011-08-27T19:07:00.004-04:00

Wow.....it's getting harder and harder to find 20 minutes to reflect on my thoughts and feelings and write a blog entry. This is important to me yet hard at the same time. When I think and reflect, it mainly turns to sadness...I really miss having a Mom and Dad. There's no reason to even explain myself anymore...I think everyone could probably understand, even for a minute, how hard it is without them. I want them to be a part of all of this...I really have missed being a daughter even more so lately as I watch these beautiful kids of mine grow. I don't watch them enough...I wish I could just be a Mom, a friend, a sister, a wife.....but I can't.....there's all of "this" to deal with. It's always there. My parents were murdered by my brother. Will this ever subside?

My maternity leave is literally flying by. Thursday it will be September...and I go back at the end of the month. My heart breaks to think of leaving this sweetheart. He is such an amazing baby. I peaked in there just a few minutes ago and the kid was seriously sleeping with a smile on his face. He's an angel. My parents would love and care for him as much as I do. He's still sleeping a lot...smiling, likes the swing, lying in his crib under the mobile, taking walks but mainly being held and eating, eating, eating. I know I am lucky to have this time off with him and I wish with all of my heart I could just focus on that. Teddy has been traveling like crazy...in week long increments....Ever since my parents died, I don't do too well being alone, I always want something to do, plans must be made.....my therapist says that is how I have dealt with things....I keep myself busy and surrounded by people to perhaps mask some of this. I agree some of that is true, but I have always liked being surrounded by friends and family....I have never been a homebody.

As I reflect on the last few months since we had Harrison....this has been a nice leave....really hot...but I got to do several things I said I would...visit DC and drink wine at a local cafe with my friend and our boys, spend a week up at the lake and had the most amazing visitors (the Hinderberger family...their visit made my week), and of course we hosted our first real grown up party (catered, a tent and all!) and witness our Son be baptized in our own church....this is our home now as much at times I want to deny that even though I love it here dearly....I still want my parents place to run "home too". I was so honored my Grandfather was here to represent my Mom...and that my Mom's sister flew in from Texas and Dad's Sister from Atlanta and our siblings less my brother, and our friends Melissa and Nick. We are still surrounded by so much love....being near my Parent's family makes their void less painful for that given moment because I know without a doubt they would be so proud....family meant everything to them. This would make them so happy....my eyes watered as I watched my Grandfather hold Elle as shown in this picture as he cruised the lake and let Elle steer the boat. I almost could hear Mom giggling and snapping a million pictures. She would have had them printed before that week ended....it would have touched her heart like it did mine...

I may be lonely but I am well aware of my amazing, healthy, beautiful kids and how lucky I am to still have awesome family and friends surrounding us.....I will cherish sharing those glasses of wine with my friends in DC and up in Harrison, MI and holding my Son as he was baptized with our family and friends next to us and meeting my friend for walks and coffee during the week while on leave....and most of all holding this sweet baby boy...I will never get this time back.......I love you sweet Harrison and big sister Elle....I'm sorry I miss my family so much. In a strange way, it's almost like you understand....

All my love,

Melissa

God Bless Harrison

2011-08-07T21:17:00.003-04:00

Ted sent me to DC for my birthday to visit my friend Molly who also just had a baby boy 6 weeks before Harrison was born. It was a wonderful visit. Despite some travel mishaps getting back to Cincinnati, it was awesome and Harrison officially earned his wings (not a peep after 8 hrs of travel??!!!). He slept, ate, rarely fussed...it was a good age to travel. I did everything I wanted to do on this short visit....we drank wine and ate cheese at little cafe in Molly's town square... went to a trendy dinner and ate gourmet food and sipped a glass of yummy white wine.....grabbed coffee at her local shop and sat outside and ate muffins...and unexpectedly, I ended up getting a massage which was a sweet surprise along with the offering to watch Harrison and Henry while I went to the spa. It was a really thoughtful gift.....my friend really made me feel special that day with other gestures such as balloons and pink champagne and of course, a birthday cake with candles. I am very lucky to have such amazing friends...I really haven't enjoyed a birthday since Mom and Dad died, they just seem so different, such a void and not as important or special but this was nice......I missed seeing Ted and Elle but I think it was a good thing for me to get away for a few days.....there has been so much on my mind lately and it was nice to be spoiled and enjoy new scenery while visiting a great friend.

And here we are in August already...this Summer, my maternity leave, has flown by...it seemed like forever until Harrison would be baptized and here we are approaching it this weekend. We feel so blessed...many of our family members are traveling here from several different areas to be here with us...the baptism has always been a really important and special day in my Family. Mom and Dad always threw big parties...and I am beyond thrilled to have everyone here in our home, our church, our neighborhood. It will be stressful.....we've been planning for months yet I am a neat freak and beyond detail orientated when it comes to parties so I drive myself insane the week of the event...I think of everything. I wish I wasn't like that at times because it can make you go crazy. I want to enjoy this party. I want to enjoy the ceremony and really take in the baptism of my Son in our new church with my Grandfather and family by our sides....I want to actually get a chance to eat and drink and sit down and talk to everyone....I want to overlook the mess for just a few minutes....I want to take pictures with our family and friends with Harrison dressed in our family gown....I pray for an enjoyable weekend with less pain and sadness that my parents won't be attending another special event. It kills me. It's always there. It won't go away. I will be wishing they were there as I look around at the church and see Dad's Sister, Mom's Father.......they would be SO proud. They were always the life of the party and I don't see my life or any of these events ever being the same without them. Sure, they will go on, we will continue to go on, but I know in my heart, I am forever changed...and I don't like it.

Blessed Mommy,

Melissa

tell me what to do...

2011-07-26T22:25:00.004-04:00

I wish you would tell me what to do. I never wanted all of this responsibility at this age. I didn't want all of this worry for my siblings, and stress about what to do with the lake. I thought I would keep it forever. Selling it never even crossed my mind. We'd pay the taxes and do what we could to maintain when we're up there... its causing stress and worry now.....we're too far and there is so much to be done...Chris won't even discuss it.....but I have to be the practical one even though deep down I am just emotionally attached to it as well.....another piece of my childhood and parents that would be gone......no amount of money would ever be enough for this place. Nothing could ever replace that fresh air on a cool night, the smell of the fire or cinnamon french toast cooking in the morning and all of the memories....I am so torn........I don't want this on my shoulders. I know my Grandfather and all of my parents siblings want us to sell it......they see how much work it is and how far Ted and I are....Chris already has so much on her plate...she can't worry about the lake. I wish Mom and Dad were here....the lake would be theirs. We would come to visit. It would be the fun place to go.....now it is work. Cindy and I took the kids up there and I didn't even get a moment of enjoyment. There was so much to be done and with two kids it was even more of a challenge to get anything really done. It made me so sad......my parents never seemed stressed up there....everything was always done so they could enjoy their guests. They went up there so much. It breaks my heart to think we would sell this place. My grandfather and Aunt and Uncle live there still so I would always go back...but it wouldn't be the same...yet I know it's killing them to keep coming over to Mom and Dad's house when we are up there. I know how painful it is. It's painful for me. Everything of theirs is the way they left it. Even a crossword puzzle Dad was working on. We've added some pictures...moved furniture around and I just took down the Christmas lights Mom left up but it still looks the same....

I don't know what to do. I know what we should do yet my heart is saying "hell no, don't sell it...take your kids up there just as you did as a child.....Elle and Harrison will get to know their grandparents through this place". I think that's my biggest fear of selling it.....my kids already won't ever get to meet my parents. I want them to have memories of at least going to a place they left behind. A place I went all of my life....I don't want them to just have memories with Ted's parents. I need something from my family. This breaks my heart....I want to be a kid again......I never wanted to think of any of this...........my Sister would hate me. I already have so much guilt what she saw and did after Mom and Dad died. I cannot do this alone.

Help, Mom and Dad.......please......I will be up there for a week in August and I cannot wait. Our friends are visiting....Ted will be there. Maybe we will feel differently. Maybe it is possible to get everything done if we use our vacations up at the lake verse traveling. I just want to go up there and enjoy myself with my family and friends......I love that place so much.

a month old...

2011-07-11T14:02:00.006-04:00

WOW, Harrison is almost a month old....we've been busy in the Close household adjusting to the added addition. He is much more alert these days....but pretty much still in the eating/sleeping phase. He doesn't love his crib yet at night so he has been in the room with me in the "sleep n play" all snuggled up. I feel rested though he is up every 2-3 hours still....he is just adorable and Elle has adjusted just fine but Daddy has become her new best friend. Children, managing a household and careers is a lot... but in my opinion, I don't think anything tops dealing with the heartache of missing my Family and how they died and not having them here to meet our new Family. As much as I would love an extra pair of hands right now, it's the unconditional love and care I miss and need the most right now. It's having my Mom to call 24-7...it's hard and I know no one can understand. Maybe I will stop mentioning it to others as I know they can never relate and maybe it's not fair to even bring it up as they don't know what to say or how to help...but sometimes I need to vent and to share my feelings. They see me with two beautiful, healthy children and a great career, wonderful home, etc, etc....and yes, I have SO much to be thankful for. I am very aware of all of our blessings...but I am also so aware of the heartache and the challenge of a tragic loss and the acceptance they will never meet these babies. And I worry about my Sister, Aydan and my brother. There's just a lot of baggage along with expanding our family. But I know how proud my Parents would be of us..when I look at how my Sister and I have handled these last three years, my parents would be AMAZED. This would crush some...and here I am expanding my Family, traveling, focusing on my career...and Chris chases nursing school, continues to be a great Mom to Aydan (our soccer star!!) despite everything she has faced...they would be so proud. With that said, it doesn't take away the pain.

Harrison is such a good boy...see, God takes care of me in other ways and I know this...I am grateful for this but I want something I will never have again. I want my Family back. I want to head up to Harrison next week with my Mother-in-law and the kids and walk in to my Parents greeting us....to Dad grilling and serving drinks to my Mom laughing and so happy to see us there....they would be so honored and thrilled to have us all up at the lake...I will miss sharing these moments with them for the rest of my life.

Though I am stressed, I feel like Ted and I are super Mom and Dad at times....yesterday I don't think either of us sat down (well, I did a lot to feed Harrison but that was it)..from watering the lawn and flowers, to weeding to grocery shopping, to cooking to cleaning to laundry to prepping a room to be painted, preparing for our new driveway, making calls to get a tree picked up that fell on our driveway, to organizing to baths to packing lunches to talking to friends to taking Elle and Harrison to the market, to constantly putting Elle on the potty to avoid accidents to changing a zillion diapers....my head spins at times yet this stuff isn't the hard stuff I face in my life. I can handle being busy ...I cannot handle the loss at times. I know no one can relate but Chris and I. I guess sometimes I wish people could....it wouldn't make a difference yet I guess there wouldn't be these expectations that I should be back to myself and that I should be always looking at the glass half full. I do know I can look myself in the mirror everyday and be so proud of how I have handled this but know it's a challenge every day.

I have two beautiful children...and while it will be bittersweet as always, I look forward to Harrison meeting Family and Friends back in MI this week and introducing him to the place he was named after as well! It will be a special moment for me seeing them up there knowing what happiness it would have brought to Mom and Dad.

All my love and hope for continued health and happiness for my Family and that Mom and Dad are watching the good times from up above...I pray they don't see me sad. It would break their hearts. Thankful for the friendships we have and love that has been shown to our baby boy...he's too sweet...and I wish him a Happy birthday tomorrow as he reaches ONE MONTH!!!!

Melissa

heartbroken and blessed

2011-06-29T21:20:00.004-04:00

Mom and Dad,

Harrison is just beautiful...this is once again so hard to experience without you here. It's an isolating feeling at a young age to be without my Parents during this time. There's no one to call to share every little detail about my Son and what he was up to for the day...sure, I have so many amazing friends and they are so generous and continue to send such thoughtful things- packages arrive daily and another dinner and wine was brought over tonight....and I have in-laws that care but they have their life and other children...we cannot always be the focus...But, I miss having someone calling me every day to check up on things. This continues to be a struggle and makes me angry my folks are gone....and during the day it's just me and the little guy. Ted's been working in an office lately and we send big sis to school. I know once I feel 100% I will be out and about, taking long walks, going to the park, meeting friends for lunch, and shopping...but until I am healed I know I will be around the house for the most part which is tough for a busy body like me. I did get out for lunch today with a friend and her little baby girl..it felt so nice to be out in beautiful weather with Harrison.

Fourth of July weekend will always be an emotional one. One of my parents favorite weekends at the lake and this year all of their Harrison, MI friends who all owned a place up there are gathering like old times at our old lake, "Cranberry lake". The area in Harrison where it all began...we all had small cute little cabins, pontoon boats and the beach we would all gather at on the weekends. It was such an event as I look back.....over 15 couples with their kids..everyone brought food to share....my Parents must have loved this. They had all of their friends and some of our family and us kids all together when in Harrison. My Parents were so much more relaxed up north...I wish I would have appreciated the place more as a child and even as I got older...I want Mom and Dad to know how thankful I am for this place. I hope after learning my Son's name....they know and feel it.

Well, I am thrilled though because Christina is going to take Aydan up there this weekend and I know its going to be hard for my Dad's brother and all of my parents friends to see them....It's an instant reminder that they're gone and I know everyone loves my Son's name yet I know its probably heartbreaking to some even if they never tell me so. It's heartbreaking for me too. I wish for my Sister and Aydan a memorable weekend yet I know it will be lonely. I know it will never be the same. I know you will miss Dad's french toast in the morning and that its a lot of work up there for us. I am sorry I cannot be there to help. Just try and take deep breathes and take in the amazing air up there....look up at the stars- they're so bright up there. Make a s'more for me...I am sorry it has to be this way. We miss you Mom and Dad.

Because we couldn't make it up to the lake this early after Harrison's arrival, our best friends are headed to Cincinnati for the weekend. Really looking forward to being with friends....they are like Family and candidly, we have more friends then family and we need to appreciate these friendships that we do have in our lives. Friends cannot replace Parents of course but you can share your children, joy, love, sadness and fun with your closest friends...

My heart aches of loneliness yet I am so grateful for the generosity that continues to shine through from others.....and absolutely grateful for these two beautiful, healthy children. I am so lucky and only wish my Mom, Dad, and brother were here to see Ted and I expanding our family and managing this new little life on our own now.... I am a good Mom because I had a good Mom....she showed nothing short of unconditional love, always.....I am not perfect though and I need to work on my patients. I am sort of like Dad in that respect...but I'm working on it. And in honor of Dad's birthday yesterday, I actually cooked! Hooray! I think Ted was stunned and I am sure my Parents were as well...

Love always,

Melissa

Stationery card

2011-06-26T08:44:00.001-04:00

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Harrison is here

2011-06-22T20:45:00.004-04:00

Our beautiful, healthy, big boy, arrived on June 14th weighing 8lbs 9 ounces and 21 inches long. It was a much tougher labor then with Elle and I am paying for it in recovery. I am going on day 8 and still sore as can be....but Harrison Jerome Close is thriving and wonderful and I feel SO blessed that he's healthy!!!!!

We were only in the hospital for 36 hours- the hospital was packed with June deliveries so frankly, as sore as I was, I was okay with getting out of there...and home to Elle. Ted's Mom was beyond helpful. Words cannot describe how much we appreciated her help with Elle and our home and taking care of things the first week of Harrison's arrival. My husband too was amazing with his cooking and helping with Elle so I could work on nursing and resting. I'm not going to lie, I had several bouts of tears openly...I would feel sad for Elle that her life has changed (even though I know it will be amazing one day for her to have a sibling!) and that life will get stressful once I go back to work but most of all it was the aching pain in my heart that I cried over.......I missed my Mom and Dad. I miss them so much and I felt so angry and sad that they cannot be here to meet their beautiful grandchildren. Ted and I both have laid back parents and they would have both been the most wonderful grandparents, we would have all been together at the hospital, they would have stayed together at the house while we were at the hospital. Both Cindy and my Mom would have stuck around to help us out....Dad didn't like to be away from Mom so he would have stayed too helping to cook and do stuff around the house. While we were so thankful Ted's Mom was here- I am so sad my Mommy has missed this. I know how proud they would be....Dad especially. He would be bragging to all of his family and friends. They so deserved to be proud of their children and to show off their grandchildren. The wish for their presence will always be here and during such significant moments in our life, they are magnified......It's going to be hard....I will have bad days....I will think of my parents every day as I am rocking Harrison or putting Elle to bed as we pray........I just gotta hope they can see us....that they are watching over us.......

We feel so blessed for all of the love and support we have received from gifts, flowers, dinner, cards, phone calls.....we have such great friends and family. Teddy and I have so much to be thankful for, we are still so, so lucky.

I was beyond thrilled that as busy as my Sister is....she took off after soccer tryouts this past Saturday to come down for a quick visit to meet her nephew. I needed someone from my Family to be here to meet him. I was so happy.

The name Harrison, named after the lake- a place my Family has been going to for over 32 years....reminds me of my Family but mainly my Dad (Jerome).....he's got to be up in heaven smiling with such excitement about the name. It's all for you Dad......I miss you and your memory lives on through my Son.......

We thank God, our parents, family and friends for your love and support as we welcomed Harrison to the World.....my heart still aches yet I am overjoyed with how beautiful and healthy my children are.....we love you Elle Patricia and Harrison Jerome! Two lives lost.... two beautiful lives gained......

All my love,

Mommy of 2

awaiting another arrival...

2011-06-12T06:37:00.003-04:00

I have totally accepted that he's not ready to come out. Tomorrow is Aydan's birthday, my original due date....maybe my Dad is pulling some strings up there and wants his two grandsons born on the same day or maybe the little guy just isn't ready.....we seriously are shocked that I made it this long. We just assumed I would be early. We've keept busy with Miss Elle and I continue to think I have the house ready...and then another week goes by.... and now after almost a year of health, E has a nasty cough. Perfect timing. I worry about the daycare germs while the little guy is so young....

I was reminiscing this morning...thinking back to the year leading up to Elle's arrival. It was a tough year but with so much love and celebration awaiting for her to come....I looked back through my baby shower pictures and sighed.....it was such a beautiful occasion....to look ahead at the same people that were by my side to say goodbye to my Parents were helping welcome this miracle child-blessed from heaven to the world. I will never forget finding out I was having a girl. I so needed a girl that year- she was the greatest blessing anyone could ever have asked for after such a tremendous lost. We have been so lucky to call Elle our daughter.

I think about this pregnancy and these last 40 WEEKS....another good pregnancy, happier moments, still times of great sadness yet with so many friends and my sister-in-law being pregnant at the same time, I feel I have had more support and more people to share daily struggles and joys with on a daily basis. I am really looking forward to my maternity leave this time around. I "think" I am in a better place emotionally.....I sure hope so......of course I worry but I am ready to meet this little guy....our family is ready to expand and we are prepared to take on more responsibility and cannot wait to show our Son our little life we have made... and to share with him the people we have lost and loved and to introduce him to our incredible friends and family that continue to be on this journey of healing and life with us.

When is he coming, Mom and Dad??? I pray you are watching down.

Love you.

Melissa

better day

2011-06-06T15:59:00.003-04:00

The day has turned around. I was so angry and sad leaving the doctors appt today after they told me I am still officially 39 weeks even though the due date I was given was June 8th....they say its still the 13th so another week or so of waiting. I was just feeling rushed and some pressure knowing my Sister in law is also due and I want her to have Ted's parents there yet knowing how badly we needed her for Elle and then Teddy needed to travel for work next week. Things will work out. This along with my parents death and many other things in life, I cannot control.....I can only hope for the best outcome and trust it will work out as hard as it may be. After some crying and blaming my parents death on why I felt rushed that this child needed to be here since I know if they were alive they could be here and I would feel so much more relaxed......I started receiving special little gifts.......first, a package from my Aunt (my Mom's sister) who is amazingly talented and makes the most beautiful things- she sent another two special blankets and some other fun goodies for the new arrival as well as presents for the big sis to be. After that, a playhouse arrived in our backyard for the big sis to be from her only Grandparents....this will be helpful and fun for Elle- she will love it and then, a special care package from a friend that lives in DC who has been a supportive friend throughout the highs and lows of a pregnancy.....she sent a book that has a ton of humor (I told her how depressing parentless parents was!), a CD with beautiful songs to sing to the baby that she enjoyed with her Son, Henry, and an adorable onsie......I also had newborn diapers left on my porch from a friend and my favorite bronzer arrived for free after I submitted a claim last week that it continued to break on me......it was interesting that all of this stuff arrived today to cheer me up. It was just a nice feeling to know despite of what I may still face and probably always will, I am SO loved (ok, maybe the brand cargo doesn't "love" me but they value me as a customer...haha). I know this. Of course I am. My parents had wonderful family and friends and now I have the same.......a mother's love can never be replaced, but today after sobbing for about an hour......I can start my evening with a smile knowing they are beaming with joy that I have this support during a time they wish they could be here.....while I know they would be heartbroken some of my Family still struggles and haven't reached out as much....I know they are sending down good thoughts that they need their time and that hopefully they will come around and give back our family some of that strength we always have had.

I cannot rush this baby boy anymore.....he is not ready to come out yet and I need to let happen, just happen. We will be okay and have great friends here in Cincinnati that love us and would help us out if we needed it. We will be just fine.....

where are you Mr???

2011-06-05T18:04:00.006-04:00

Although my official due date is not until the 8th, I am incredibly antsy and impatient thinking he would already be here. I have been dilated for weeks and have felt very pregnant these last two weeks AND was a week early with Elle. I guess going "late" never even occurred to me so I always prepared as if he was coming early. Already got my manicure and pedicure (I need a new one at this point!), had my haircut last week and had my house and windows cleaned twice and now it totally needs to be cleaned again even with me cleaning constantly. I wish I could sit still....I clean and pick up constantly and Elle isn't even a child that gets into everything and she eats/snacks in her highchair most of the time so she keeps the house relatively clean most days....Gracie, the other hand, is the messy one. Her hair is everywhere and it drives me crazy. I vacuum it up daily. But, we love this dog. She is part of this Family as much as anyone of us....

I'm just getting a tad nervous about help. Ted and I are used to being on our own and have sort of accepted since my Parents death that we do only have one set of Grandparents and they won't/can't always be there for us but it makes the painful loss of my parents even worse as I know how excited they would be to help me out during a new child entering the world. I have faith that Ted's Mom will stay as long as she can but I know in my heart it won't be the same as having both her and my Mom here....they would love being together and seeing the baby. It would have been so natural.

Ted has to travel really soon after the baby is born and my Sister in law is due in a few weeks so I'm already planning on doing a lot of this on my own but it makes me sad.....Mom and Dad were retired....they would come down at any point and hang out. Dad would water the lawn, go grocery shopping and cook dinner and Mom would hold the baby and goof around with Elle. They would be in no rush to leave unless they also had to help Chris with Aydan but I could have them for as long as I needed.....and really, I would just want the company....I don't really need the help per say but it's always nice. I miss my Parents and these events make it all worse.....this time feels more sad if that's possible. I know how proud and excited and shocked MOM would be that I was on my second child. Miss business............boy have things changed.............

Elle is ready we think...she talks about baby brother a lot...she went from telling us she would hit him to wanting to buy him presents and share her toys. We will see...I am expecting an adjustment period in our household for the first month. I can't wait to meet this little guy.....to see that he is healthy...to hear him breathing to seeing what he looks like and how much he weighs.....and to tell him how much he is loved by our Family and how many angels he has up in heaven watching over him every single day. His room looks great.....simple and preppy...still awaiting the roman shades we had made with cool Kiwi green striped fabric- they should be in soon.....

I never felt uncomfortable with Elle during my first pregnancy...this time its much different with lots of aches and pains.....although I have gained less weight, my belly is double the size which causes some sleepless nights....and walking, wow, I feel like a 80 year smoker!

As I type this....Elle sits in her highchair eating a soy ice cream sandwich watching special agent oso quiet as can be....we took her to the market today, several walks, and let her play with the water hose.....we've been around the house this last month and while I am feeling a tad stir crazy, it has been nice quality time with my own family...this is big for me as I typically have to over book ourselves and have plans all of the time to keep my focus from negative/sad things....it's not easy but we continue to move forward yet its always on my mind. my parents. my brother. my aunt. my lake house that is sitting there alone. We have an ant problem. I panicked. Why can't my Uncle go over there? I know, it's hard......but Gramps did it......he hates it too. I hope Christina and Aydan can get up there a lot this Summer and Teddy and I cannot wait to take our kids up there and enjoy it later in July and again in August if everyone is doing well.

Hopefully next time I write I will have amazing news to share about another addition to our Family. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers on welcoming another healthy beautiful child to this world. We really are blessed to have been given this chance at a new life and that all we have been through has never stopped us from living our life. I am so proud no matter how much this is not what I ever imagined.

All of my love and hope for happiness,
Melissa

Patricia was there: The birth of Elle - Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine

2011-05-27T13:46:00.000-04:00

Patricia was there: The birth of Elle - Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine

I submitted a birth story regarding my experience with Elle.....I look forward to what surprises and joy my upcoming delivery with baby boy will bring.
I hope and pray my Parents are there for this one too.

All my love,
Melissa

Parentless Parents...

2011-05-21T20:07:00.003-04:00

A book that I was highly anticipating the arrival for came earlier this week. The title- "Parentless Parents" (already sounds uplifting, huh?).....I dove into it immediately then come to find out....it's like reading my mind and heart...exactly how I feel. It almost bothered me that all of this resentment, jealousy, struggles watching my wonderful in-laws with my Daughter, sense of loneliness are all what these YOUNG parentless parents are feeling. And many of them lost their parents at different times and not to a tragic murder. That makes me nervous that my case of all of this will be even worse....(great, I thought as I read...I am screwed...) Each chapter started out with quotes.....these were so relevant to me.....

-" I definitely felt like I was operating without a safety net. Without my Mom and Dad, I found myself awash in doubt and anxiety" (this couldn't be any closer to the truth for my Sister and I)

-"I miss not having my Parents to ask them questions about my childhood to compare them with my daughter's experiences"

-"I feel like I don't have enough support and yet I have to perform and behave like my friends who have tons of parental support. It is overwhelming". (this one wasn't totally me as we've lived out of state for a while and do so well on our own, but yet nothing beats your own parents support and love for your child, it's tough not having what others have in a non-materialistic way)

-" I don't know anyone else who has given birth without parents by their side. It can make you feel alienated very quickly" (I am proud of how I handled birth with Elle. I fought depression off and made it through but man that was tough, I just couldn't believe they missed it. Yet, I watch others depressed over nothing much at all during their pregnancy. I have to walk away at times)

-"Each milestone-everything has something missing because you can't share it with the two people who birthed you and raised you" (this one is tough...I know I would be calling my Mommy daily....Dad would be yelling in the background, "what's Melissa bragging about now?!!)

-"I'm envious of people who have their parents at every milestone and school play. Those are my lowest times." (we're tough cookies, my Sister has sat in the stands alone for the last few years at Aydan's games......but it's not easy. Grandparents are always the most proud)

-"All they talked about was how she looked like so and so on their side. In my head I was screaming-she looks like my side of the family!! Can't you see that?! But the hard part was they couldn't see it. There was no one to see it." (Aydan looks like an Olszowy, Elle has some features-our personality and love for sweets but definitely favors Teddy's side...this does not bother me the least bit....what is bothersome is my Parents are gone and it's harder to visually compare and we can't even ask THEM what THEY think, makes me sad all of the time)

-"I am sad that my daughters will never know my parents. They will always be just people in a picture to them" (while I don't find this entirely true, it's hard to hear and accept it. I will honor my Parents life until the day I die and make certain my children know what they were about and the love they had for us all and what they valued will be known. I can promise you that. But it will never be the same...)

I related to all of these quotes and yet mine I feel are even more painful because of the way they had to freakin die. Of all the ways of death referred to the losses in this book I would take over mine. Train accident, cancer, car accident.....all would be horrific but at not as brutal as your own sibling causing the death. It adds on this terrible layer of sadness but you can never compare YOUR loss with others--they're all painful to the family it is happening too......In one of the earlier chapters, the Author was at her in-laws over the Holidays and it was killing her-as much as she loved them...she escaped the dinner (excused herself quietly) and sat in a closet and cried. I have felt like doing that many times over the past three years. You look around...everyone's smiling and in the Holiday spirit, googling over our daughter, anticipating what Santa will bring them the next morning and I have sat their miserable yet put on the happiest face I could bear. I miss MY family. MY traditions. MY mom and dad. They would understand and care the most. I don't want my Parents and not all of them, I want them both. They are/were so amazing....they all deserve to be a part of our Family and we so badly miss it.

It's the absence of unconditional love that has been the hardest part of these last three years.....I never want Elle or my future son to feel this void. Please keep me here until I am old and grey. I don't want them to have this void and tragic rain cloud over their head throughout their adulthood and raising their children. Please, no.....

I'm exhausted tonight...we worked around the house and yard today, went shopping and had a birthday party out in the "burbs"...Elle loved the bouncer and swing set (we go to the park for these type of activities due to no lawn) and it was a special treat.....but, standing and chasing her around was tiring. I was so achy. Ted was helping and looked and me and said, "let's leave before the cake...we'll go back to Hyde Park, park in the square and grab Greaters Ice cream.." I felt bad leaving early, but I couldn't run around anymore....I needed to sit- and enjoy some ice cream.......Elle is just even cuter these days.....really looking like a little girl, no longer a BABY. My Parents would be in awe......their wallets would be filled with pictures...Dad would show everyone up at Boomers....just like he did with his own kids.....She is doing SO well with potty training.....I hope she won't take steps back once baby brother comes but we are very proud of how determined she now is.........she is pure joy.

All of this aside, I still feel luckier then so many......I love this house. Our neighborhood. Our friends. And I'm healthy.....after all of this, I am healthy...sad but healthy. I could have failed. This would have killed some........I am so proud of Chris and I!!!!! I know you would be too Mom and Dad.......Elle is talking up a storm, you wouldn't believe some of the things she says and Aydan, well, he's scoring every goal in sight-both hockey and soccer. So proud........

All of my love and thanks for raising me to be this person. I have so many faults but so much good to offer and so much love to give to my friends and family.....thank you.

opening up the lake

2011-05-13T21:48:00.004-04:00

I lost it this evening...the lights were dim, I finally took a minute to sit down and put my feet up and just sobbed like a baby. Ted headed 7 hours North, which I am so grateful for, to open up the lake for the Season. Once he got up there they ran errands to get some things for the house and all of the materials to build a sandbox which I am so thrilled about. But then he text me how much he loves it up there.....and how peaceful it was and how he was having a drink for Papa O (my Dad) and that he is here with us......I lost it. It broke my heart. I could picture him sitting on the dock, looking back at my Parents property and then out into the beautiful little lake and just missing my Dad. I miss my Parents so much and as much as I love it up there, it's so hard to be there......they would want to be up there with my friends...they were so social and fun- no going to bed early for them. After about 30 minutes, I text with my Sister and a few of my girlfriends who have been amazingly supportive through this pregnancy and I feel I can say anything to, "I'm sad right now and I'm crying".

I know no one will ever understand what this is like and that's okay. I had a great day today and last night I was spoiled again by friends- taken to a fabulous dinner and received some sweet outfits for the boy, and had a great Doctor's appointment thinking he should stay put for a little while longer....yet, I can be taken down at any moment. And then my Sister posts that she learned how to mow a lawn today for the first time at the place she is temporarily staying until her apartment is ready. I was proud yet pissed. I want my Sister to have a Family, I don't want her to be a struggling single Mom mowing the lawn? I feel so blessed to have what I have. I had window cleaners over today, a house cleaner coming tomorrow, someone stopped by to measure the baby's room for custom roman shades, landscaping was completed today and the list keeps going....I feel guilty. But I know Ted and I work hard.....but I still feel guilty. I am very lucky. Ted and I have made a wonderful life together despite what we have faced. He so deserves a few nights with the boys.....I hope he enjoys himself and that what he said was true- that my Dad is with us and there in spirit......

You are missed every single day. And that lake place of yours......wow, we now have such a deeper understanding and appreciation for how relaxing this place really is and how much work to keep it up is. I cherish Harrison, MI.

Mothers day weekend

2011-05-09T10:46:00.003-04:00

I know I have to be one of the luckiest Moms out there....Ted made sure my day was super special yesterday but I have to admit, I was still super bummed.....my Mom was tragically taken from this World and "Mother's Day" has a new meaning to me. I missed my Mom. The one I would want to see me most as a Mother is gone. I never in a million years pictured her not being here. I still enjoyed moments and felt so lucky to be spoiled by Ted....Elle said throughout the day, "Happy Mother's day Mommy...relax". She's getting SO big and smart...we are amazed each day her new sentences and things she picks up. Ted started my morning off with a coffee- making a drive to a Dunkin Doughnuts-my favorite coffee-which is a 15 minute drive even though we have several coffee shops by our house and also greeted me with flowers and a gift card to a local spa so I can get pampered prior to labor. We said Jamaica was our Mother's day/Father's Day/Anniversary gift to each other....but that always changes.....
And then he put on the most fabulous brunch for our neighbor friends and I.....a homemade egg casserole that he prepped the night before......Belgian waffles with fresh whipping cream, berries and shaved chocolate......we sipped on virgin mimosas.....while Trey and Elle were being little stinkers and chasing each other up the stairs. I was exhausted yesterday though. I officially feel pregnant and candidly, feel like an old lady. Elle and I did the MS walk on Saturday and a mile kicked my butt. I am feeling crampy and achey....I never felt this way with Elle but I assume cleaning more and chasing after a two year old makes you really feel the second pregnancy. My most enjoyable moment though of the entire day was buying flowers to make a flower pot for my porch in honor of my Mom...we came back to the house and Elle and I put it together...she loved getting messy in the dirt and filling up the pot...she was so into it and she even kept saying "for Gramma shevy" was how she would pronounce it.....it still broke my heart why we had to do this.....why can't Mom just be here to see all of this.....

Stuff is coming together. The baby room is looking good, he has clothes and some diapers....fabric was decided on and we have two roman shades being made for the room. I am getting my house cleaned this upcoming weekend, windows professionally cleaned inside and out, and Ted is opening up the lake......we are getting stuff done before he arrives! We have a busy week....tomorrow Teddy and I celebrate 8 years of marriage which is crazy......our new Weber grill will arrive in honor of our special day...then Wednesday I am hosting a mixer at a local martini bar for the Network of Executive Women....I'll be facilitating a panel of leaders within the industry (and, be on my feet and in heels for several hours)....then Thursday, my lovely neighbor girlfriend put together a dinner for me before the baby comes. It will be great to be out to dinner with friends as I know June and July will be spent at home adjusting to our new life....then hopefully he is ready to be on the move just like Elle was. I look forward to some time up at the lake this year....Teddy and his friend Josh designed a sandbox and have plans to build it this weekend at the lake. I know how much Ted has enjoyed honoring my Dad by keeping up the place and adding some fun things to the property like the dock and now this......I know they would be proud....but it will never replace them being there.

Home stretch....about 30 days to go. Wish me luck.

Melissa

May has arrived

2011-05-03T16:06:00.002-04:00

Justin sat at a Starbucks and enjoyed a coffee on his 30th birthday.

After two years at the facility, my brother was granted a day out with security. He was able to grab coffee twice at Starbucks, buy jeans and t-shirts at American Eagle, stop by Meijer and grab headphones and sit down for a good meal at a restaurant. It shocked me at first to hear these things as he had these opportunities all along while living with Mom and Dad. But without severe treatment and the right balance and mix of medications he would never have seen that there was life to be lived and the normal things most people do- he was missing out on. I am not sure how to handle my brother's progress and his strong desire to get better now that he clearly understands his condition, what he did, how dangerous he can be when not on medications, showing empathy to our Family, missing my Parents, and physically looking better then he has in years. I almost feel this is a no win situation although I would never tell him that. My Parents are gone, they aren't coming back.....and that angers me. They would want to be here to be proud of their Son doing normal things. He had conditions when he was living with my Parents such as washing his hands obsessively. This has cleared up completely. He was on the wrong medication and one that caused this OCD. He attends support groups now that don't judge and he has goals of making his first friend. While he had friends as a child and even into teenage years for a few of them at least, his only real "Friend" was my Mom.
Seeing my Parents you would have never known they had an ill son. They were social butterflies, always on the go, friendly as can be.....but I am sure deep down they were bothered by this and I know it caused stress at times but I am thankful they still lived life and didn't stop enjoying friends, fun and family because their Son had a condition. No one even knew what his condition was really, there were never any warning signs or situations that would lead my Family to believe he could ever have been of danger. I know this in my heart of hearts that we could have never known but I will always feel we all could have done something........yet I know I cannot focus on this....

I did find peace hearing the news that he enjoyed his birthday and especially when I personally spoke with him on the phone. I felt I could enjoy my day better knowing he was happy for the moment and he felt important and privileged for doing things that all of us do on a normal basis. This was a really big day for him and I am thankful it fell on his 30th birthday. I am sad Mom and Dad has and will miss all of our 30th birthdays.....it just doesn't seem right. They loved BIG birthdays and I am thankful we got to celebrate together for many of them but it doesn't make future celebrations any easier.

Trying to focus on the baby these days and all of the things Ted and I are trying to get done around the house. I have a list a mile long of things I want to buy for the baby, the house, and I know I need to slow down and be okay with letting some of it go.....one project at a time (yet my brain doesn't think this way)- I am an activator and want it done/purchased now.
I did buy an awesome new Weber Grill that arrives on our 8 year anniversary next week for Ted....I can't wait as we are having new landscaping done in the back and a new grill will just make for good entertaining this Summer. My Dad loved new grills and projects and things that we were doing.....I miss having my Mom and Dad around yet I continue to be reminded daily how lucky I was. I know our relationship and the type of people they were is rare. They left a strong legacy- one that is instilled in me everyday now.....but I know and will be the first to admit, my life will never be the same but I coming to terms with this and know I am blessed in so many other ways. I pray they are just in awe watching Ted and I here in Cincinnati, living our independent lives, raising a Family, running our household and careers, maintaining wonderful friendships and keeping connections as best as we can with the Family members they left behind. I know they are very, very proud and think they are worried about my Sister and I feel that too which causes me to be very overbearing. I wish I could just be a Sister but I don't see it possible anytime soon.

May is here. Goodbye to a heartbreaking month of their death, birthdays, and frankly, a ton of rain.....here's to.... beatutiful Cincinnati Weather and lots of walks, landscaping/windows and carpets cleaned, a new grill, a room filled with all things BLUE for the baby, getting my hospital bags packed, planting something for my Mom on Mother's day and having a wonderful breakfast with my own little Family and wonderful neighor friends to celebrate being MOMS, to toasting to my husband of 8 years, and to last but not least maybe even meeting a beautiful new addition to our Family yet secrelty hoping he waits to enter the World in June. I want a little more alone time with Elle Bell and I would love for him to share birthdays in the month my Father and Godchild were born......we shall see.

All my love,
Melissa

33 weeks...

2011-04-26T21:39:00.003-04:00

This has been another good pregnancy so far. We have been on the go and haven't had any issues....with that said, I could not be more excited to be home in Cincinnati now for the home stretch.....there is so much to do from landscaping to getting carpets cleaned to painting the baby room to ordering fabric for curtains to washing baby clothes and to continue getting more organized.....we will get it all done but I have a feeling this baby is coming early. I really hope I can make it till June but it's up to him and God. I would love to have a June baby mainly because it's my Dad and godchild's birthday month and also Father's Day- June is all things BOY to me.

Easter was good in MI I will say but there were moments where I had to stop and take a deep breath or I would have lost it. We haven't been back to MI for the Easter Holiday since we last spent it with my Parents at my in-laws. But I wanted to be there for my Sister-in-laws shower and to see my Sister so I knew it was the right thing to do. I will say this till the day I die but its so hard not having your own family and home to go to. I am blessed with loving, generous in-laws but they will never be my own parents. It's just the way it is. Elle adores them and is so comfortable at their home and they welcome my Sister and nephew and I just know how much my Parents would appreciate this. I know it would break their hearts if we didn't have anyone to spend the holidays with and I know it would be comforting to them knowing we are still surrounded by love, family and friends. Mom's birthday was on the 22nd and I had Aydan that day so I baked a cake with the kids and let both Aydan and Elle decorate and frost the cake. It was a special moment talking with Aydan about Gamma and her birthday. He remembers baking with her and licking the beaters. It's still so hard to accept she's gone. We talk about her love for baking and all of these traditions as if she were 80 years old.....but no, she was 50 and her life as a Grandmother was just beginning. My heart breaks when I think of all they are missing. Justin turns 30 on Friday. My parents will have missed all of their children's 30th birthdays.....Mom loved birthdays and I know she would have made his day a special one. I miss my brother and family every day...I try to focus on all of the positive in our life....another healthy pregnancy.......but I will say, it's hard to focus on the pregnancy when there is so many other things to think about but I have thought about it a lot more this around. This pregnancy has been different . With Elle, it was shock after 2 months of my Parents being gone......here I was pregnant. I think I was looking for anything to take my mind off their tragic death through the baby shower and planning, etc. Now I have time, (I think I have moved toward acceptance that they're gone just not how they died and how traumatic it was)to enjoy all of my pregnant friends and neighbors that I am experiencing this amazing process with.....one of the most special friends of mine just had her baby Easter evening. She is one I spoke to through email, text or phone daily. We would miss each other while away on our different baby moons or work travel, we would talk about our weight gain, hormones, baby room decor, you name it....we covered it. And, I also felt so comfortable confiding in her with my biggest fears or family struggles I'd be facing that week (or particular day). She has been a great support system strongly due to us both expecting a child. It brought us closer as friends and for that I am thankful. I am also so grateful for the relationship with my Sister-in-law, I also feel her and I have grown closer due to this bond we have of both expecting the next Close baby in the same month. Pretty exciting and I so look forward to having cousins grow up the same age even though we live out of State. We will cherish the Holidays when we get to see them.....

I'm officially 33 weeks now and 5 days.....I took a walk tonight after putting Elle down. I was more tired than normal and am definitely not as fast......but I feel fine. While I have some anxiety, I cannot wait to meet this little guy......I so want to hear that he is healthy and then I will be beyond thrilled to announce his beautiful, meaningful name to the World in hopes my Parents and Grandparents are gleaming with pride and joy from above....yet wishing they were here to take away any sadness we feel due to their loss......

And the countdown begins....

Mommy of 2 to be

missing friends

2011-04-15T21:44:00.004-04:00

Rough few days emotionally, I miss my friends who live all over the place but I am thankful we all make such an effort to see everyone whenever possible...vacations, weekend trips, or over dinner....anyway to spend time with each other and see our children together too. I have great friends from Pennsylvania, Michigan, Arizona, Washington DC, Paris, and so many other places. I am confident through these last three years; the joyful and tearful times- I wouldn't have gotten through them without my friends. There's no competition, jealousy, just love, support and happiness for one another. I am so thankful. It's funny, when I think about my week and that it was rough......it had nothing to do with work (work's great) or being a pregnant Mommy or anything like that which would normally a cause for a stressful week- its stress about people I care about that are hurting and I can't help either one of them. I miss one of them very much and I pray one day they will return to the person they used to be. I can't bring my Mom and Dad back but I feel this pressure to keep their entire Family together. But I know I cannot fix anyone or take responsibility and make them happy. My Sister and I are not capable of this.

Minus the sadness of our family tragedy, I am by far one of the luckiest people alive. Funny how that worked out. Thank god I am blessed in other ways through my daughter, my healthy pregnancy, my career, our beautiful home, the adventures we have been on, the childhood I experienced, and as I have mentioned above, my friendships......I will invest in them until the day I die....you get let down at times but you know they will be there when it really counts. That is the gift of friendship.

Enjoyed a few sips of REAL red wine this evening, ate a great meal and dessert...and looking forward to the gym tomorrow morning and a birthday party for miss Elle's friend Mia. We joined a catholic church down the street from us. I have been before with my Aunt when in town- we cry......we are going as a Family Sunday- Ted, Elle and I. We want to get the baby boy baptized here as a Catholic (well, mainly it was important to me) so we are going to check it out and see if we feel comfortable. The smell instantly reminds me of my childhood and going every Sunday with my Family but I also think of my Parents funeral. Flowers and the smell of a catholic church instantly brings that day back....but I want to get through it....

babymoon 2011

2011-04-11T21:38:00.005-04:00

April 7th has passed and our babymoon is now over.....still a tough month emotionally as we come upon the days I would rather not relive such as their funeral and then of Mom and Justin's birthday. Just sad to think of their age and the fact that we are no longer together as a Family. I miss having my own Family. It's so strange for my Sister and I without our immediate family alive. I think some take for granite they have a place to go home to for Christmas, birthdays, and to share the joy of their own children. It's the loneliest feeling yet we still have great deal of love from so many people. I think the days in April will always be a struggle yet I feel blessed I can still live on through the pain. The babymoon was incredible, the time spent with our dear friends was priceless....I cherished the walks every morning with one of my best friends and long dinners in the evening laughing and talking about life. Elle was safe in MI with Gramma and Grampa- she never even knew we were gone.....she was so comfortable there and I am grateful we have Grandparents who love spending the time with her. I know how badly my Parents would want to be here. It kills me to think that my Mom knows she is missing this. I almost don't want her seeing us down here but then of course I do.....

After coming home from the babymoon, my Sister coordinated a fun dinner with our friends so we could see everyone before the baby comes along. We enjoyed cake and cookies made especially for Baby boy Close and Gramma was sweet to help out with drinks and appetizers for everyone. It was a great evening....

I am 31 weeks along now, 60 days to go. We need to get cranking on this baby room and get organized! I have several projects to complete in the next two months.

Here's a glimpse into some of our memories......I am so lucky to have added another beautiful vacation to the memory bank.

Thinking of my Mother and Father this April and every day beyond. A painful month that reminds us how you left the world....it still breaks my heart and causes stress to think that you're really gone.

almost vaca time

2011-03-24T21:34:00.002-04:00

I feel so lucky. Next weekend, Ted and I will be off to Jamaica with our friends for a BABYMOON...yep, they exist.....(as my Mom and Dad roll their eyes at me).....

Our amazing friends that we have vacationed with for the last three years are all now going without the kiddies, we feel blessed our children will be safe and with Grandparents....and that we get some friend time and relaxation. I keep picturing my two girlfriends and I walking along the beach- laughing, maybe crying, but appreciating that no matter what life has brought, we are here in Jamaica together.

April is the most painful of them all and while we will be leaving Jamaica on the day of their death, I'm so thankful I will get to wake up that morning, knowing that overwhelming sense of reality will come over me, and go for one last walk on the beach. My Dad loved rocks and my Mom loved shells. I will toss a few into the Ocean and remember the way life was, our incredible memories, the fun, our childhood, holidays, and most of all that unconditional love and support my Sister and I miss every single day.

I cannot wait to be on the beach. I think of my Sister as a strong single Mom that's facing heartache, I think of my brother that is learning to now socialize and face reality of his illness, I think of my Aunt who is sick...........I almost feel guilty that I get to go on the beach. I'm still so lucky.....I have my own family who is supportive, I have amazing friends......I wish that for all my family that is hurting.....I wish I could give you time away from it all, time to breathe and take it all in as the waves come crashing in.....

3 years soon. Has it really been that long since I have seen you?

new design

2011-03-18T21:17:00.003-04:00

For the past two years I have wanted to change my design but every time I went to do it...I couldn't. I would say to myself, "why change the design? This is just a place to spill your thoughts and to share your journey both painful and joyous with your parents in Heaven, family, friends and others who knew my Mom and Dad. It's not about how it looks". But this evening, I decided I needed something new to look at each week when I log on. I remember almost three years ago next month sitting on Ted's parents couch setting up this blog. I want it to look a little different I guess. I don't know, maybe I'll end up changing it back....but for now this look is sort of peaceful and pretty....

I'm happy, mainly for my parents sake, that over 60,000 visits to this blog have taken place in almost three years. Some ended up here on accident I'm sure... but I'd like to hope most came here to reflect a little on life, take in how precious and short it really is and realize how unfair life really can be at times but that the strength in some that have the courage to go on is somewhat inspiring, I hope. But most importantly for me, through my posts, I hope the love for my Parents and constant wishing they were here is so clear and loud that even they can hear it all the way up in Heaven......and that my brother too can feel some strength shining down to get him through each day......3 years, 5 years, 20 years....this tragic event and loss has changed my life forever and I don't think there will ever be a day that I won't wake up to face they are gone but I do pray one day my faith will be restored and we'll be given a dose of peace of how they died and that each day becomes even more precious to live life and just one day closer to meeting them again.....and reuniting my family.

I hope you can hear me Mom and Dad. You are missed and loved every single day.

st. patty's day 2011

2011-03-17T20:06:00.007-04:00

Mom and Dad loved St. Patty's day. They were always out and about on this day having fun with friends.....we were lucky to get them down to Cincy for one of them and while it was much too tame for them, we had a great time. I miss their smiling faces and love for having fun every single day. As the Spring nears and the anniversary of their death approaches, I get even sadder they are not here and won't be here to meet the little guy.....and cannot see what a beautiful, smart, loving person Elle has become.....

I had a long business trip and flight to Portland, OR and while it was great to have some amazing dinners, shop a little and catch up with my co-worker over virgin martinis, I am so glad to be home.....I feel blessed to have a great career and opportunities to travel and see different parts of the country but nothing beats a 75 degree March day both with our sunglasses on walking through Hyde Park, a neighborhood that we love to live in and even more so now that we have Elle. Sometimes when I think we need more space and a big yard, I walk to the square and grab a coffee or ice cream or sit outside and watch the many runners and walkers that pass by the street and square and I know for a fact, I am not ready to leave......

Now that we have completed the kitchen project we are on to landscaping but cannot quite figure out what is reasonable to spend and what makes sense if you are planning to stay here for another few years. So we will see......

Just enjoying a few minutes of peace right now after a traditional St. Patricks day meal cooked by Ted, several walks after an exhausting day of air travel...knowing April is around the corner when my heart will ache even more....yet I feel so blessed we will be on a vacation with our awesome friends just at the right time when we need it most.....

A huge thanks to my Mother-in-law for making our lives less stressful this week as Ted and I were double booked with travel. The help with Elle was so appreciated and I only wish we had my parents here to help out too. You all got along so well and it would just be one happy family and an overwhelming amount of support and love......but I continue to be so proud of Ted and I for making it on our own out of state, we have grown so much and have a great appreciation for our dear friends and family....

A ray of sunshine~

2011-03-13T21:07:00.002-04:00

the reunion

2011-03-07T19:50:00.004-05:00

I did it Mom and Dad, I did it.

I'd like to protect my brother's privacy so I won't talk a great deal about his condition but he is making a lot of progress and he looked better then I have seen him look in years....he looked so different. I cannot believe I didn't see him for almost three years. I just can't believe it. He was sad, I was beyond heartbroken and Ted and Christina were great supporters during the visit. I hugged my brother, just as I always did. He wrote me a letter and I had to read it before our visit.....the first line read, "I remember you used to always try to hug me when you were home. I miss those times". Because he is medicated properly now, he has no symptoms and it kills me to know that is what caused this tragedy...the weaning off his medications which caused severe paranoia and delusions. It just breaks my heart. I have broke into tears several times each day since Saturday just thinking of that first moment I saw my brother after I turned the corner into the area where we were meeting. It was just like the feeling I got when I turned the corner into the funeral home. Seeing my parents in caskets and seeing my brother after three long years, sitting there, were the two most terrifying things I have ever had to do in my life. I pray to god there is never a third moment like this. I know there are things I don't know about my parents death especially my Mom but I never want to know. Why would knowing where she was shot help me or why she was alive for an hour. But it haunts me.....I know the way they died always will. I just want my Family back. Mom and Dad would be so proud of their son. So proud of his progress and what he is like when the doctor finally got his medications right. He now knows and sees clearly the importance of making friends, having relationships with family, and doing what we most of us would call normal things like grabbing a coffee at Starbucks and clothing shopping at a mall....two things he hopes to do in the near future. Right now all I can offer him are phone calls and a visit every so often. I wish there was more I could do. I want to support my brother in every way possible and be there by his side as he heals and learns to accept what happened and his condition but I can't let myself get too attached or involved. I now he was sick but ultimately, he was the cause of my Parents death. His condition is to blame and its the reason my Parents are not here to meet their grandchildren and watch the only one they knew blossom into a young boy.

My friend wrote to me today and one line in particular stood out to me and made me think...it read, "I know now new feelings and challenges arise, but you have some gift, from God or from your mom and dad (or all) to make you so tough. "

I'm starting to believe that I am tough.....and my Sister is even tougher. But why us? I didn't want to be tough in life....but I know this strength is a gift. I see others in the World crack over the smallest things and our Family has kept going with this pain..... I just thank god my friendships, my beautiful home, my beautiful daughter, my amazing husband, my job, and so much more have all stayed together and strong through this. It could be so much worse.

I told my other girlfriend on the phone today , "I am looking forward to that April vacation more then you will ever know".

Yet in this strange way, I am feeling guilty as I get to do these incredible things each year as my brother wants nothing more then freedom....freedom from the hospital, freedom from this tragedy and freedom from his illness. But as I told him face to face, "I know you look at us with envy because we are free, but I will tell you, these last three years we have felt like we've been in jail in many situations, carrying this tremendous weight of sadness on our shoulders, I hope you understand from our perspective what this has been like".

I will see my brother again.

A month from today......3 years ago......our family was changed forever and my incredible parents left the world. It's really hard to grasp that so much time has passed and in a few months, I will be giving birth to their third grandchild. I so wish they were here.

All of my love and thanks for getting me through this weekend.......and for the additional love and support I am surrounded by.

Melissa

can I really do this?

2011-02-28T09:46:00.003-05:00

I don't know if I'm ready for this....I start picturing my Sister, Ted and I sitting in the room when all of sudden my brother walks in. I am so afraid of fainting or all of sudden having a major anxiety attack. If I start thinking enough about it even now, I get myself so incredibly worked up. But I have to help my Sister and go......she is going through so much right now and her life is being flipped up in the air.......I wish so badly this rain cloud would leave my family alone. I wish everyone was financially stable, had support around them, and were all healthy and happy.

I am so fearful that the second I see my brother the intense feelings and emotions of the day my Parents were killed will come crashing back. I can almost guarantee it. He wants us to bring his favorite pizza and pop. He wants us to all eat. I will throw up if I eat. I don't want a deep therapy session with him. I am so afraid of facing the reality and realness of this. I just want to tell him I know you were sick. We are so happy you are here safe. And just ask him about his health, the facility, etc. I think that's all I can handle. I know he wants me calling more and I know how badly he too needs support and that is why I have to go. I have pushed this off to avoid the real pain of this nightmare. I know I said "I'm not afraid" in my book and its something my Mom, Dad and I always said jokingly, but I am tremendously afraid for this weekend. And now I have to depart for Vegas for a week long high energy national sales meeting.....seeing shows, going to clubs, dinners, meetings.... (while pregnant AND having this in the back of my mind). I'm just worried....I am worried about my Sister, my nephew-my all-star, my brother....and I am already missing my husband and daughter. I also worry about the baby. I hope this little guy isn't being impacted by the stress and the worrying. I'm so sorry buddy. These three years have been so tough yet we still laugh so much and have so much fun....but there is so much "stuff" to worry about. I honestly think most would fail in these shoes. I know this sounds terrible. I don't know why I can keep walking with my head filled high. I have to literally fight it every single day. I understand why some people cannot get out of bed and why some turn to self medication. I actually can understand. Thank god I was given the most amazing gift of strength and I get through it....and have not skipped a beat with living this life......but it has not been easy. I'll need it more then ever this weekend.........watch over us Mom and Dad. I know this is your Son. I love my brother and I miss you, my parents, even more............

I can do this.

Your daughter.

what a weekend

2011-02-22T12:13:00.004-05:00

Last weekend was one word, AWESOME. Friday, I got to take my Grandfather and Eve out to breakfast in our little neighborhood center. Over coffee and my Belgian waffle, I got to sit and chat with Gramps about life, the baby, their travels to FL, the lake the Summer....and it was so nice to see him healthy and happy. I know how much pain still exists within him, I can see it in his eyes when he quickly catches a picture of my Mom. Grampa does well and laughs a lot and can handle talking about Dad. They were like best friends. Boy did he have stories to share but it's very difficult for him to talk about his Patty. Imagine your daughter dying that way. Losing a child at a young age or 50 years old has to be so traumatic. I feel for him and my heart breaks he had to see this in his lifetime. I know we both bring each other some peace when together. My grandpa has been in my life and a huge part of it since I was born....never missed anything....and I am so thankful for that. He has been on this journey with me. I pray for continued health for him. He deserves it and selfishly, I need him. Once he is gone, my parents and all 4 of my grandparents will be in Heaven. We really need him here.

Saturday around 7am Ted came driving up the driveway and Elle and Grace quickly ran to the back door and were literally "screaming" once they saw him (well Elle was, Grace was jumping everywhere). He opened his suitcase and passed out gifts of Longchamp bags, chocolates, cool kitchen towels from Brugge, some clothes for the little guy that Carolyn helped pick out for him and a handmade stuffed pig he found for Elle. My stomach was a tad off and I know he was exhausted but we loaded up the car an hour later, dropped Gracie off at doggie daycare for the day and night and headed about 5 hours to St Joe, MI to spend the evening and next morning with some of my most treasured friends! My one girlfriend gave birth to a beautiful girl a few months back and we all wanted to get get together and make this an annual tradition, visiting each others homes, and making the time and effort to be together. It was a fantastic day there.....we got there and the girls took off for pedicures....sitting there relaxing in a massage chair with 3 great friends next to me was a great feeling and then to come back and have a nice dinner, watch Elle play and have the girls give her lots of kisses and hugs was so much fun. Elle also loved the new baby and I was proud of how she overall behaved. She's been such a good girl and has adjusted so well to our "on the go" lifestyle. I am hoping this little guy is ready for the action as well. I know I overbook myself to help block out the sadness in my life but it's all I know to do. I love surrounding myself with friends, family, dinners and good times. I know how precious life is and how my parents never passed on the opportunity to get together with people. I hope my life can always be this flexible. I want to be there for people and to make memories with our friends no matter what the distance is. If everyone puts in the effort, it is sure to last a lifetime. I feel very good about this.

Sunday morning, we drank coffee together, ate a nice breakfast, starred out at the water......and then said our goodbyes. I am so thankful for their friendship and our ability to make time for each other even though we are all busy new MOMS now! We all inspire each other in different ways, it's pretty cool. I know I can count on these woman to be there through the good, sad and life's twists and turns it may take. They have always been there.

This weekend was proof that while there is much sadness in my heart and great fear for seeing my brother, I am still surrounded by love through my Grandfather, my girlfriends, my husband and daughter.....I am still so lucky.

Grandpa is coming!!!!

2011-02-17T09:46:00.004-05:00

My Grandfather and Eve come to Cincinnati today and I couldn't be more happy and excited. When I am around him, I feel at peace. He clearly raised my Mother, got to watch her children grow and had one of the best Father/Daughter relationships I have ever witnessed. Just pure unconditional love and involvement in each other's lives. I know how much this loss has hurt him, he was very, very close with my Mom and Dad and saw them very frequently up at the lake, traveled together (Vegas, cruises, etc), shopped together, and I know how heartbreaking it has to still be for him. But that generation and a lot of times men in general, keep it all inside. Whereas I on the other hand, want the entire world to know how much I miss my Parents. I am so afraid they will be forgotten but I know for us and so many of their friends that its not possible. It kills me everyday they are not here to see Elle and my growing belly and to help Chris out with Aydan. Every day there is a reminder that they are gone....and the tragedy and the way they died will live with us forever.

The sadness and pain is just becoming more manageable....I know I am ready to see my brother next month but I am so worried to face the real reality.

I am cooking (again) this evening and making a cheesecake for dessert. Not one of my Mom's famous homemade versions (I don't want to make anyone sad or think) plus I am not good at them anyway like her or my Sister for that matter. I am going with a no bake version...but its still a "cheesecake" and it will be good.....Grandpa and Eve will head out to FL tomorrow....so hoping to take them to breakfast at a local spot in Hyde Park.

Looking forward to seeing my Grandfather and for Elle to continue to get to know her only Great Grandpa. I am so thankful he is alive, healthy and mobile. He has the flexibility and fun for life just like my parents did. I am so lucky to have had all of these amazing influences in and around my life....we all have faults of course but my family's ability to put people first before themselves and the gift of entertaining, family and friends is admirable. I am proud to carry on that tradition.

I am spending time with your Dad, Mom. I know how happy this would make you! And it makes me even happier knowing how true this is. We miss you and Dad every day so very much.

Melissa

Elle's weekend...all about miss Elle and her friends.

2011-02-13T20:40:00.004-05:00

She baked, she ate lunch with her friends, she read stories with her favorite neighbor, she played outside and went on lots of walks with Mommy. Mommy is tired with a sore back. I over did it this weekend.....and it wasn't even a lot....I wish I could let some things in the house go..like crumbs (they drive me crazy) and fingerprints and dog hair......I did however leave the laundry in the washer tonight. I'm fine with that. I successfully hosted a play date and cooked my friends dinner for the evening and I am not making this up but the words from my friend's consisted of "restaurant quality". I was like excuse me? It was a pretty good fresh mozzarella chicken parm with an Arugula salad. Not bad. Easy food for the rest of the week...I wrote out 20 Valentines for Elle's party tomorrow at school, and have treats for the kids....she is sure to have a blast tomorrow especially since there are cookies and lots of treats involved.

Awaiting my girls weekend that is upcoming....Ted, Elle and I will head to St Joe, MI to meet one of my best girlfriends baby (IZZY!) and catch up with my girls that I love so dearly. With everything going on and facing my brother soon, I need girl time and I cannot wait to see them and even more thrilled they will get to see Elle too.

All my love,

my back hurts

my dream for my boy

2011-02-10T14:22:00.003-05:00

I came across this when browsing online for the baby's room wall decor. I saw this, read it and knew it had to be framed for his room. It's perfect and it's exactly what I think of when I think of boys. I know all of these things are everything my Parents had hoped for my brother. And, my brother got to do most of these things, in his childhood. He was such a good boy. So sweet and cute and all boy....he loved to fish and find creatures and play with toads. I can only imagine what my Mother felt when she first held her son and all of the possibilities and then differences of having a girl too. Yet, I imagine mostly what it was like if she knew her Son was taking her life away from her. I want to believe there was no time to know but I bet there was....I bet she saw or knew........I never want to know. I cannot imagine. You bring a child into the world and love them unconditionally all of their life........breaks my heart every day. All I can do is do what my Mom did- raise my children to the best of my ability and hope for the best. I know how proud they would be....this has been hard....I want to experience my wonderful life with my Family put back together. I know they can feel it. Mom would be the same way. She is the only person that would understand why I feel the way I do. She wouldn't just keep saying, but keep going, be strong- she would admit, agree, sympathize that this is the pits. I think only Moms can do that....I know its not possible, as my therapist confirmed, but I seriously think now, Moms solve all of our life's problems. I really believe they are capable of that. But you only realize until you are a Mother yourself and much older. Elle won't believe this until I am long gone....Mothers are pretty powerful and I was lucky to have such a great one. (and barely had a wrinkle on her at age 50....)- she was special.

Cannot wait to meet my Son. A BOY?! Wow......

European vacation

2011-02-06T19:29:00.008-05:00

Another weekend at home with Ted and Elle....before Ted's European vacation and extended work travel that is approaching very soon. I'm so happy for Ted that he gets to see Europe again with our friens that we had visited in 09 (so jealous too!). He will land in Paris (aaahhhhh the most amazing city...)and they will drive to Amsterdam, spend a few days there and then head to Belgium....his mission there is to get me chocolate (yeah right, well my mission then....and to take pictures....I'll be lucky if I get two). The chocolate shops there are suppose to be amazing and the scenery looks so beautiful. Our friend Carolyn thinks it may just be her favorite European city aside from Paris. After a day or two in Belgium they will head back to Paris to spend the evening before he departs the following day. LUCKY GUY! I even think my girlfriend is trying to do some shopping for Ted since he won't have too much time in Paris. That makes me excited. We have been blessed for how much travel we have been able to do since we've gotten married and even after our first child. No matter what has come our way and the pain we still feel without my parents and being on our own accepting our new life, I am so impressed with our love to travel, our dedication to experience new things, and to spend time with our friends. No matter how far they are....

We celebrated an early Valentines day dinner with an overpriced heart shaped pizza and cookie shipped from Chicago, took Elle to the aquarium with our friends on Saturday and then later that evening had a friend over (drinks for them, ice cream for me)....Sunday we went to the gym as a Family, had a nice workout, and then decided to just watch the Superbowl with our family of three. Ted made some festive homemade food....potato skins, buffalo chicken sandwiches with real blue cheese and all.....I wasn't that interested in the teams playing this year and we didn't make any plans with anybody or decide to host a gathering. It was a nice day though to be together around the house. Went out shopping for a little while and I cannot stop buying all things blue. While the girl clothes are SO cute and honestly a zillion options, I am liking the challenge in picking threw to find the cutest unique things. I'm much more picky about boy clothes. I don't why, I don't particularly like the typical baby boy clothes but I am finding some fun things and we received our first gift for the little guy which was SO sweet- some adorable little gowns and onesies....

We haven't started the baby room yet but I have narrowed down the bedding and furniture and thoughts for color. We are definitely doing Navy as the base of the room. Then I worry about guest rooms....I want friends and family to still be able to stay here. Sure there are hotels but would love to at least have options for 2 families to be here at the same time. So that and the baby's room will be our focus mid March once Ted's extensive travels are over and after the anxiety of facing my brother has become a reality. I am going to see him in March...still working through the details...I cannot believe three years is almost here. It just doesn't seem right that I haven't seen my family in almost three years and now I am almost a Mom of two. Life is crazy.....

I am worried about when Ted is away. Even when he is here and my family is together, I still feel lonely at times. While I have so many friends I could call, I miss calling my Mom and miss having someone call to check up on ME and my new family. I feel like a kid still at times....not wanting to accept that I am grown up now, a parent, living my own life-a really good one in fact, despite of all this.

I still am fighting that I want to be my Mom and Dad's daughter. I really miss being a daughter.....I am thankful to be able to say I am still a granddaughter and good news, my Grandpa is hopefully stopping in Cincinnati on his way to FL this month. Crossing my fingers....I can't wait.

21 weeks

2011-02-01T21:15:00.003-05:00

21 weeks, 10 lbs, and lots of and lots of cravings for all things SWEET. Ted literally has to make a dessert every night. Last night all we had was bag of chocolate chips. He says, "I'll come up with something". After putting Elle down I walked into the kitchen and he pulled out of the fridge these amazing peanut butter/chocolate bars that he somehow whipped up with ingredients we had around the house. My Mom LOVED sweets. She never passed them up. Not only did she love baking, she loved eating them as much as I do. I miss my sweet, wonderful Mom and wish she could see my BOY belly. Carrying much different then with Elle Bell. Showing a lot sooner, which is typical, but much lower. I can feel the pressure.

21 weeks and a little more Winter and Spring to get through.

It's a BOY

2011-01-30T16:39:00.003-05:00

We are beyond thrilled to be welcoming a BOY in JUNE. We feel blessed to have the opportunity to experience both a girl and a boy and feel they will both carry on the legacy of my Mother and Father. Really special and emotional and I wish they were here to welcome this little guy to the World. They'd be SO proud.

I am half way there and feeling great. Hoping this continues. A lot of travel upcoming for both Ted and I.

With love,

Mommy

baby #2

2011-01-28T13:13:00.003-05:00

Wow, here we celebrated Elle's 2nd birthday and now I'm about to leave for my 20 week pregnancy appointment! I will FINALLY have an ultrasound to meet this little one, to see how he/she is progressing and hopefully will find out what we are having! I have to admit with my first one I SO wanted a girl. Everything about my life that had happened- a girl was needed. I was so thankful it was a girl and that she was healthy. I understood even deeper the bond my Mommy and I had. It was something only a few could understand. I think of the joking and laughter her and I shared. It was a different kind of relationship. I miss my Mom and I wish her and Dad were here today as we reveal the sex of THIS baby. I don't care what we have this time around. I would LOVE another girl but LOVE to experience a BOY and to have both would be so perfect. Yes, a girl would be cheaper as I have everything a girl could want!!! BUT, we will be pleased either way as long as they are healthy (and sweet, breastfeed easy and sleep). I'm not asking much, am I?

Ted's Mom came down for Elle's birthday party and stayed with her for a few days so Ted and I could travel for work worry-free. It definitely made traveling and being away so much easier. I didn't have to worry. Sure I worried if she was getting fed too much ice cream or watching too much TV or was going to bed when she should but honestly anytime Elle can spend with her Grandparents or any family and our friends for that matter is priceless and after a few days, she will get back to her routine anyway. And we came home with all of our laundry caught up so that was an added bonus. These last few years have been hard...it's been a struggle adjusting to life, having children, and having Ted's parents as our only Grandparents and parents to share all of this joy with (of course we have other amazing extended family), but when it comes to parents, we have them. It's taken me a long time to accept it and I still have a while to go especially with the emotions that come along with welcoming a new child. I just miss MY parents. They want to be here too and they had such a wonderful relationship with Ted's parents. We'd spend Holidays together, they celebrated retirements together (the last time my Parents were at the Close's and the last time we ever saw them-Mom brought Dad Close a retirement card and gift card to a local pub in Allen Park), came to birthday parties, and I now that would have never changed as it was so important to Ted and I that we spent time with them together. We were lucky, after a few years after we got married, our families really did turn into one. We were lucky and that is why it has been even more painful adjusting to this new way of life. I see other competitive Grandparents, fighting over how much time each get to spend with their grandchild, etc and I am so confident that would have never happen. My parents didn't have it in them. They were SO laid back and the four of them would have been the perfect team of grandparents and support network for Ted and I. I think about it a lot..though I know I cannot change it. But I continue to be proud of Ted and I and how well we do on our own. We have our own life here in Cincinnati.....we have a beautiful home....and have met wonderful friends and continue to enjoy our work. But there is always a piece of me that will continue to miss our old life as nothing can replace the feeling I got with sharing my "good" life with my parents. I know how proud they were of me as they rolled their eyes at whatever I was sharing/bragging at any given moment.

Elle Belle turns 2!

2011-01-19T15:07:00.003-05:00

Two years ago this morning, I held my daughter for the first time. Like all Moms probably think, "I cannot believe it has been two years". We've done and saw so much with her, always on the go, seeing new places and people, visiting, watching, learning, listening and even taking time to remember our loved ones at cemetery's. I am proud to say we have exposed her to many things and will continue to do so. I will never forget meeting her for the first time. I was no nervous and didn't want to hold her right away until the nurse cleaned her off and they "inspected" her to make sure she was healthy. I had this fear they would lay her on my chest and she would turn blue. I wanted to be sure she knew how to breathe. I had no idea what I was doing.....so between our wonderful nurse named Patricia which brought instant tears to my eyes and only having Ted's Mom in the waiting room to greet the new arrival, I was a tad heartbroken yet overwhelmingly proud of Ted and I. WE created this miracle and she is a continued legacy and piece of our parents.....even when we are gone, we will live on through her. I learned this once I lost my own parents. Mom and Dad are missed everyday but they can live on through me forever.....

This last year was filled with adventures....she learned how to walk then quickly into running before our eyes...just when you think, "is she EVER going to eat, walk, talk" they are doing it all like they're pros. I remember how excited we were when sign language came along. She picked it up like a champ. We were so impressed and had to pull the manual out here and there to see what the heck she was signing...."ohhh, help, you need help, got it". Then one or two words and all of sudden at two, she can see SO many words and sentences her favorites being, "Elle Belle too, Elle Belle too, I do it, Mommy sit down, I need more milk, I need more snacks, Gracie go potty, Happy Turkey Day...and her favorite show on TV is Special agent OSO and he frequently says, "It's all part of the plan...more or less" and two weeks ago we were driving in the car and I said aloud, "It's all part of the plan" and all of sudden she yells out, "more or less!"...Ted and I were just cracking up. It was so cute and funny. She is a little sponge. I cannot wait to introduce her to her sibling. I know there will be challenges and a transition stage but what a great gift- a sibling to love and watch grow. She'll never be alone. She'll have someone in case something ever happened to Ted and I. I will be forever grateful Mom and Dad gave me a Sister and I just wish my brother's situation didn't end up like it did because in the early years, he was the most adorable little brother. It kills me to think of what happened with him and how much he must miss us and my parents. I still love my brother.

Elle, you were a gift from above and life is challenging, it really is and it breaks your heart at times but I think you will be blessed with strength like Ted and I and we've always had success and opportunity and great friends and lots of love surrounding us.....even in time of great tragedy, we continue to pull through and live our lives the best way we can even when you feel you cannot do it anymore. I wish the same for you. Just know you are always, always loved and we will always be with you. I am telling you now in case we never have this conversation again. A talk I wish I had with my Mom and Dad....

I love you and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my firework!

I'm blue...

2011-01-16T16:29:00.006-05:00

The cookie monster cake pan that Mom used for me arrived on Saturday from Aunt Lisa. Over 30 years ago, Mom made me this cake and probably scrubbed off blue frosting from my face for hours after just like I had to do years later...with my daughter. But I'm positive we both enjoyed every minute of it.

Man, Mom would have love to seen Elle devour this cake and would find it all so special. Elle's actual birthday isn't until Wednesday but with Daddy traveling and her big girl party at the Gymboree next weekend, we wanted to have an intimate celebration with us and her little neighbor buddy and our good friend, Trey.....

Ted is the ultimate baker....my Mom would be SO impressed and proud. She would always be the one to come to our home (pans and supplies in tow) to make us something yummy. We could now return the favor.

Your week long birthday celebration continues Miss Elle.......there are so many people in Heaven and on Earth, near and far, that love you... and always will!

MOMMY

cookie monster

2011-01-09T20:36:00.003-05:00

At last....a full weekend at home to get caught up on life. Although there is still much to do, I feel as though I got a lot of organizing and cleaning done and with our renovations now complete-the fun accessorizing has begun (while trying to keep it kid friendly). For example, we have this large, beautiful armoire in our new kitchen sitting area where there are two leather chairs. We wanted to move this elsewhere but couldn't figure out a space but then a light bulb went off, "duh, we will have two kids as of this June and need storage for toys, diapers, etc, etc, so why not keep it here, it's a beautiful piece and make it functional. That's my theme this year...organization in my life and around the house, making things functional.

We choose the lifestyle of walking to a fun filled square and living in a home with character that's +104 years old but with that comes smaller living space and low amounts of storage and closets....I think my favorite addition to the kitchen is this pull out 8 foot pantry in which I dedicated to "Elle's pantry" with her sippy cups, bowls, and snacks. My Dad would be impressed. I wish they were here to see the house..........

See, with my parents death a part of my life now, I don't fully enjoy things I should. Even this pregnancy, I haven't given it a ton of thought. I know that sounds terrible. So many friends around me are expecting and are in their glory...sure I'm beyond happy to have another child, but i wish I had it in me to be giddy about names (they're already picked out, but still it wasn't this big process, we just knew) and I don't even think to research anything or blow the dust off of any of the pregnancy books I have on my bookshelf. I haven't had an ultrasound yet since everything has been fine and I will have one at 20 weeks but I feel disconnected and I spend most of my time thinking about my immediate family I long to have back for my daughter, my Sister and Aydan. We deserved it, right? I know what some think, "you are bringing new life into this world, they would be so proud, focus on all of the good". Trust me I do, and I am really strong and I have been but some days I get nervous thinking I've been too strong as in this would crush people to the ground if it happened to them and then the emotion of being pregnant (again) and the pressure of facing the person, your brother you love deary, who killed your parents. It's a lot to handle.......but I am "fine", I really am. Just bummed frankly. Bummed that everything else in my life is perfect except for this. Daily, I hear of people's troubles, sadness, complaints, and I think, man, if I just could have my Parents back with all I have now I would be the luckiest girl alive....but I know that's not the way life works. Life is tough and filled with challenges and I guess you can say I was lucky to be 28 before facing anything major but this was life changing and at times I still cannot tell my therapist if I really have faced this or accepted what has happened. I'm just not sure I have.

At times, I can sit there and just picture the moment my Parents were being killed. My Dad was relaxing reading the paper I think, Mom was holding her Dog and probably chatting away. It literally freezes me in time thinking of that day. But when I snap out of it..... I see a beautiful running child calling me "mommy" and squeezing me tightly or watching my supportive husband cook yet another gourmet meal or listening to my Sister tell me that Aydan got another goal or receiving a phone call from a friend regarding an upcoming girls weekend or a fabulous group vacation or looking at my numbers from work and seeing that I'm signficantly outpacing my budget.... and then the baby kicks.....there is still more to life....and my aching heart knows it.

The planning for Miss Elle's 2nd birthday is underway...it will be a small event with a few family members, friends and her little buddies from school and such...the theme is cookie monster which is her obsession. She only wants the cookie monster diapers but Pampers only packs like 3 of them out of 35 diapers or so and she'll keep searching....my Aunt Lisa thinks she has the mold to my 1st birthday cake which happened to be cookie monster. So thrilled my Mom sent it to her and that she may still have it....love this kind of stuff. I'm turning into a sap just like Mom. How quickly things change. I'm the same girl who told my Mom when asked if she could bring down all of my childhood stuff, "no Mom, just throw it away, seriously". She was so offended so she would sneak something to my house each time she would visit, hide it, and I'd find it later....for example, a Christmas musical globe found in my bottom drawer in our guest room or my girl scout vest with all of the patches in my coffee table, or my kindergarten report cards...........now it has special meaning to me with having my own child. Wish I could tell her that....I understand now, Mom. I get it.

a good year

2011-01-03T18:35:00.004-05:00

As we drove back from spending almost 10 days in Mi for Christmas, I thought about how bummed I was to have spent another Holiday Season without my family together. Everything is so different now. I felt there were few to visit or to drop by to see our beautiful daughter. Yet I was grateful to spend so much time with my nephew who Elle adores, my Sister and to watch Elle interact with her Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents was especially fun- she had a ball and is just talking up a storm....but I couldn't help but wish my parents could see all of this; Aydan scoring goals, Elle wishing everyone a "happy turkey day" on Christmas morning (she would only say Merry Christmas if you would take her to see the blow up Santa), and me pregnant. I felt sad for my Sister when she came to my in-laws Christmas morning to open with us. We wanted to be heading down to Allen Park to open with Mom and Dad. My brother sent me a very nice, thoughtful Christmas gift this year that was waiting for me when we got home. I know facing him in 2011 will be the most challenging thing I will have to do this year on top of being pregnant and welcoming another child into the world. I am so fearful but I know it is something I must do. I have to face the true reality of this tragedy.....

Ted's parents always put on a wonderful Christmas Eve dinner and we're generous the entire week...the house was always filled with food and drinks and a place to relax. Ted's Mom put Elle down for us pretty much every night so we could hang out or go to the movies or to grab dinner with friends. It was a nice break that was much needed but we were ancy to get back. We're not as busy now with Mom, Dad, Grandpa gone.......there wasn't much running around to break up the trip. I did get the great opportunity to have lunch with all my Mom's 1st cousins, her Aunt and her godchild. They were thrilled and I was equally excited to spend time with my Mom's family who she was close with, let them see Elle and to look through some photo albums of my Family throughout the years. It meant a lot to me that I saw them. I also was really pleased how Christmas dinner went at my Aunt's house...she's had a rough two years and it was just nice to all be together with Grandpa. I cherish Christmas dinner with them.

As were driving, I also reflected on all of the good that happened this year; finding a fabulous therapist, having a healthy Elle for most of the year except for plenty of runny noses and colds, wonderful vacations to Florida to watch Tom and Jess get married and an amazing trip to Hilton Head to see my Aunt and Uncle's beautiful home with our dear friends.....Ted and I also got promotions and raises, we did some renovations to our home to make it more functional and suitable for entertaining, I got to meet my best friend's children-Ben, Mckenna, and Carter

(now awaiting to meet Izzy and Trevor), had my Grandfather down to Cincinnati for the first time, and we also got pregnant.......it was a "good" year despite the deep pain and sadness I know my Sister and I will continue to face. I'm so proud of "us", though. We're true fighters. I know many would fail.....we have weak moments, the Holidays almost put you over the edge and then comes the new year where April is not too far, yet we still move forward and let love, fun, friends and family in to take advantage of all the rest of this life has to offer.

Another year you have missed....but a year that you were constantly in my thoughts and prayers and hoping you can see us today. My life will never be the same without you as a result of this tragic event. It haunts me, there are nightmares. I want you to see me being a Mommy. I'm not too bad.....

All my love and hope for another "good" year........I'm happy to say I know we continue to make you proud. I miss you so much.

Melissa

3rd Christmas

2010-12-23T09:15:00.004-05:00

I would have never imagined that Christmas 2007 would be the last Christmas I would spend with my Mom, Dad and brother as a Family. Christina had to work Christmas day so we all gathered at her home for Christmas Eve brunch that year.....and then had Ted's parents to Mom and Dad's for dinner on Christmas Day along with Mom's side of the family and many of their friends stopping by to say hello. I would have never imagined this would be it. The last presents given to and received by them, the last time they would see their grandchild rip open Christmas gifts with the biggest grin on his face. And the last time my Mother got to bake her Christmas cookies and Christmas cheesecakes for family and friends. I would have never imagined this would be it. And here we are going on the third Christmas without them and it's just as painful as the first. More grandchildren have joined our family and another one on the way...I can only imagine how joyful this year would be if they were here. They would be in their glory.......

I will probably never look at the Holidays the same again but I will continue searching for ways to create new traditions and incorporate all I have learned through the years from my Family and the true meaning of togetherness.

We're back in MI until the new year with hopes of keeping busy, seeing friends, enjoying Christmas eve with the Close Family, and seeing my Grandfather and my Mom's siblings on Christmas day. May you all have a Merry Christmas...thank you for the prayers you continue to send our way in hopes for peace in 2011....

Melissa

Christmas wreath

2010-12-19T22:08:00.004-05:00

I lost it in English Gardens today picking out my Parents Christmas wreath for their grave. Ted and Gracie waited in the car and I quickly ran in. Then I felt the pressure in my chest. Why was I here? Why am I buying a wreath for my parents and not gifts to wrap and place under the tree. I picked up a really pretty wreath with a bow of much of my Mom's living room colors, and started to cry. I could barely answer the cashier when I asked if I found everything I was looking for.

I walked slowly and tearfully back to the car...and Ted and I drove into St. Hedwigs beautiful cemetery....slow down, there's the four odd looking trees....that's when I know we're almost there. Everything was covered in snow and I wasn't certain we'd find their grave. Ted and I walked up the hill and I could just feel we were close......we scraped off several gravestones until I saw the name Jerome. We found it...and sadly wished my parents a Merry Christmas. I miss my Family. And after I arrived back to Cincinnati...a Christmas card was waiting there from my brother. A gift is still coming. He wrote thoughtful words, words my parents would have loved to hear him say. "I miss you and Ted and I hope you and Ted and Elle have a great Christmas". I felt such sadness in my heart when he asked me if I thought anyone in the family would ever have a relationship with him again. My heart aches for him.

We had a quick weekend in MI but got to do some fun things and I especially enjoyed cheering on the hockey star take his team to victory scoring 2 of the 4 goals, and watching Elle's face lit up as he saw the blow up Santa her Grandparents set up just for her. Elle loved my parents blow up turkey that the Close's put up so we knew we needed something for Christmas. We also got some time with our friends at the annual Griswold Christmas party and enjoyed a fun night out even though once the clock struck midnight, I literally turned into a pumpkin. It was way past my bedtime....but the team enjoyed having me as their "driver" for the evening.

We miss our beautiful daughter but feel so thankful Ted's parents wanted to spend the time with their granddaughter and do some fun Holiday things with her and give us a little break to work, shop, wrap presents and candidly, grab a nice "Adult" dinner for a few days. I know how much my parents would enjoy this time with Elle....Grandparents are a huge part of one's life. I know how badly Aydan misses Gamma and Papa. I deeply cherish my Grandfather that is still with us.

Looking forward to getting back to MI to spend Christmas eve with our family and friends and opening with my Sister Christmas morning and watching Elle. Thrilled she has agreed to come over. We must try new things, Chris as hard as it is....nothing will ever replace our Christmas mornings with Mom, Dad, Justin and us two girls. Such wonderful memories.

Family time in Cincinnati

2010-12-12T21:12:00.003-05:00

This weekend was exactly what I needed......time with my Family. Although I was saddened my Sister and nephew had to cancel last minute due to the flu and snowy weather, having my Dad's Sister-my Aunt and Uncle here made me feel closer to my Dad and Grandfather and allowed me to enjoy a little of the Holiday Season. I've always been close with my Aunt. She was the go to person for advice on college, careers, moving around.....she was very close with my Mom and Dad, "my Sister" as Dad always referred to her as. When I am with my Family, I can be myself. They know the good and the bad. We laughed, we joked, we cried and we talked. She shares stories about my Dad, we talk about memories, we looked at a few pictures and shed tears and we talked about my brother. My Sister informed me a Christmas gift is coming from my brother. I am fearful and panicked as I await this gift. I know my brother misses his Family and the Holidays are especially tough. I don't want to receive this gift. I don't want it to make me even more sad thinking of him actually picking this out or ordering it through the hospital. Not only do my Sister and I have to continue to deal with this tragic loss, we still have my brother and we have to deal with things such as this. I know he is lonely, we all are yet I don't want to face it. I don't want to face his sadness too or have him sending me Christmas gifts. I'm really nervous.

Miss Elle loved having her great Aunt and Uncle here....she got to open a few presents and she surely understands gifts and opening now...we took her downtown to show her the tree, the ice rink and ended at Starbucks to sit and chat over a Peppermint mocha. We then headed back to the house for Italian night.....my Aunt is very much like my Dad and takes over the kitchen making a yummy meal. My Aunt and I did a few fun things that made me miss my Mom yet I was so thankful I had someone to do these things with...........we made homemade truffles, went Christmas shopping, talked every morning over coffee and ended every evening with cookies and milk. It was so nice to have family in our newly renovated kitchen and to have them check it out and give us decorating tips and stuff..... We miss my Family but I am blessed with people that have always been in my life... to see me on this continued journey.........now almost a Mother of two. Life has been crazy. I know how proud they would be yet I know my Mom's heart would be hurting just as much as mine....

Thank you for making this season a little brighter.

Melissa

a kitchen at last

2010-12-05T20:10:00.005-05:00

I love having the kitchen almost done...there is so much more room and space to entertain.....and having Mom's tree up and some of her decorations- remind me of Holidays at my Parent's home.... Elle, by accident, was admiring this Christmas house I have always adored since my parents died and she pulled it down and it fell to the floor and broke in a million pieces....it wasn't her fault but I was so sad....anything that was my Mom's I don't want to lose and I feel like I don't have that much because I wasn't at their home to go through my childhood things.....bottom line, I was sad to see it go! I wanted to scream, cry and pout....

But, I am thankful for the tree Mommy left behind. It's a perfect little tree that fits nicely into our cozy living room.....

One of our best friends drove in for the weekend. Always wanting to help and take on projects while in town, broke in the new kitchen with his speciality-pizza night, and I enjoyed talking with him over coffee in the morning or while they enjoyed a glass of red wine or beer, I sat there chatting with my NA champagne which I found to taste pretty good....we are so thankful for his friendship and appreciate all of his help since we have moved into this home. Ted's working on a "man room" in the basement so him and Josh spent most of the weekend down there or making trips to Lowes...

Hard to believe we have one weekend left here before we are back in MI for the following weekends for parties and Holiday break....next weekend my Aunt, Uncle, Sister and nephew come into town. So looking forward to time with my Family and to do some festive things over the weekend. It will be exciting to show them the new renovations and be together before Christmas and to show them Cincinnati in December. I can already feel my heart hurt a little more each day as Christmas nears. I still can't believe they are really gone and that they are truly missing all of this and each and every Holiday. It's still so heartbreaking. We miss them so much yet there is nothing we can do to bring them back and our only option is to keep on living as we have been....but these are the times when that becomes extra difficult to do. I think of my brother and praying for him. He's lonely too and will be alone at Christmas as well without his immediate Family. I'm so sorry...

news flash!!

2010-11-30T10:16:00.004-05:00

I love anything from Tiffanys also known as the "blue box" but what Ted and I shared at Thanksgiving dinner was more exciting then any gift one could buy from there. And, we have learned throughout my Parent's death and beyond that we cannot take anything from the blue box with us when we go....only family, friends and memories matter and all we take with us........Ted and I are once again expecting a baby. Frankly, I was shocked at first and spent several hours crying. I thought to myself, "another baby Mom and Dad won't get to meet" and I got nervous thinking, "how will Ted and I manage both of our careers with two children on our own out of state away from any help and support?" And it occurred to me that if we can get through the brutal loss of my Family and the continued struggles that we face with everything that has followed us from the loss, my brother, and so many other things, then we can do it....I am confident in our ability to somehow make it all work with the help, support and love being sent from above and all around us.......I am nervous, of course. Just today I was overwhelmed getting Elle dressed, fed, dog let out, lunch packed, getting myself ready, etc as Ted is traveling and I couldn't imagine doing it with two children but I know I am not the only one that has to do this on their own. But I know even if I just had my Mom to call would make things better.....I think most Moms can make things better in any given situation. I will miss that for the rest of my life.

Announcing to our Family and Friends on Thanksgiving made things more special.....Holidays are bittersweet for my Sister and I so any good news to share is wonderful. I will miss my Parents immensely throughout this pregnancy and especially when their third Grandchild enters the world next June.....such a special month both Aydan and my Dad's birthday months.

We all gathered this past weekend with Mom's side of the Family...Ted and I treated everyone to yummy Buddy's pizza and it was so nice to be together and talk about our plans for Christmas dinner. They're always missed but I think we all bring each other comfort by being together. Their spirit is always with us through laughter and fun. It's still the weirdest feeling without them though.....

Busy months ahead finishing up our home renovations, visitors, the Holidays, traveling for work and planning for baby #2......thank you all for your love and support. May my parents hear the special news and watch over us throughout this time....my Mom and Dad would just be estatic. Another baby!

Melissa

Thankful

2010-11-23T14:34:00.002-05:00

Another Thanksgiving upon us....Ted, Elle, Gracie and I will travel back to MI tomorrow and stay through Sunday. I've made some plans to switch things up a bit this year including the Detroit turkey trot Thanksgiving morning with my Sister and running the mash mile with Aydan...and Saturday, Aydan and Elle will get Christmas pictures and we have lunch with my Mom's Sister and Brother, my Aunt Kim and the kids and Uncle Jimmy. I feel responsible for keeping the small family we have together and gathering like we used to with my Parents. I continue to be amazed how my Parents gathered their friends and family. Not everyone makes the effort but you have to keep doing your best. Thanksgiving, Christmas, the Holiday Season just doesn't feel the same. I am not as excited as I once was to head home. Frankly, not excited at all. Many cannot relate. They are thinking but you have Elle. I know if anyone else lost their parents and brother this way they too would struggle around the holidays. I don't expect anyone to understand. I really don't. But know I wish more than anything I had the Holiday spirit I once had. The Holiday spirit my Mother sure had......she decorated and baked and sent hundreds of Christmas cards, hosted parties and looked forward to Christmas day with her Dad, siblings, children, grandchild and friends. Dad was the entertainer....making sure the Food was ready and that everyone had a drink. I miss my Family...........and I will be thinking of my Mommy, Dad, Brother and Grandfather on Thanksgiving day wishing they were here with the rest of us....my Parents spent Thanksgiving with the Close Family a few times, my brother did even once......it was natural....and it would have always been like that. I am thankful we have the memories even though the pain remains it was taken away. Not everyone was as lucky and Ted and I were.

Looking forward to a few days off work, time to see my nephew and my Sister and some of our family and meet up with our friends..........we are still so thankful for so much....our kitchen is looking so nice now and we are only a few weeks away from it all being complete. Just in time for my Aunt and Uncle's visit in December and my Sister. I am looking ahead to fun times with my Family at our newly renovated home that hopefully will be more comfortable for entertaining.

Happy Thanksgiving to my Family in Heaven that I miss dearly and to all of my Family and Friends that are a part of our life each and every day. We are blessed to have you in our life.

Melissa

music to my heart

2010-11-18T13:55:00.003-05:00

I received one of the most beautiful, thoughtful emails in my life today and especially since my parent's death throughout these past few years....and I have received A LOT of wonderfully comforting, sincere emails from so many friends and family throughout these times.

The words I read were things I have always wanted to hear-someone trying to relate what a beautiful experience such as having a child would be like without Parents to share in the joy and love. Especially having them die the way they did. It was comforting, sad and beautiful to read. Ted's cousin just gave birth to a beautiful, healthy boy and she has incredibly loving, supportive parents and fabulous in-laws. The perfect combo, just like I had. It felt comforting to hear someone say, ya know, it just wouldn't be the same without my own Parents. We love our in-laws, they're amazing, but they're not our parents and not our "mommy". "Someone understands" I thought to myself...not fully, of course, because she has her parents to share in the joy but the fact that she tried to relate to what I have been facing and that it has been bittersweet. While the words didn't take my pain away, I cried tears of thankfulness that someone was thinking of me-appreciating all they have through the birth of their child and into the future-and wishing I had the same. People have absolutely told me they admire my strength and courage but for someone to tell me they are even in more awe of me now, that they have experienced what it's like to have your own child and have your family surrounding you, how I have chosen to live my life despite this sadness and recognizing how tough this must continue to be. Thank you for thinking of me through these tough, beatiful, heartbreaking moments I have faced.

I know more children will come between my Sister and I and we will always have heavy hearts wishing my parents were here waiting in the delivery room antipcating the excitement of meeting their next Grandchild. We'll never have that. I am thankful my Sister did with Aydan. My Mom cut the cord and my Father walked in with a baseball glove and ball. Thank god they experienced a gift of a grandchild. While it was much too short, thank you god for allowing my Parents to have this before their life ended.

Empathy is an amazing trait to have and I hope now I can always relate and put myself in someone else's shoes even if for only a moment. Life is tough for some, others will complain through life trying to compete with the Jone's family focusing on material things, and some will live with great strength and have great love for others even though their life has been painful. I hope I can continue living a good life but I worry. I worry about the continued missing of my Family and facing the way they died and not having that closeness and how it will impact my future and my own Family's future. I worry a lot about one day facing my brother which is on next year's have to do. I know how lonely he is and I'm saddended he too will not enjoy his Holidays as we always remembered them to be. I wish I could do more for him. I will visit someday, brother.

I love you too, Beth. Thank you.

family

2010-11-15T08:45:00.003-05:00

We took pictures in the park this weekend with our friends for the Holidays.....we got some adorable ones for potential Christmas cards and for family. Yet, all I would like to do is share them with my Mom. I am already stressed about the Holidays. Who will host Christmas this year? Where will we go with my Grandfather and the small group that is left? So many things have changed. Mom and Dad had been hosting Christmas dinner for 20+ years.....and I think of my Sister....Matt is working on Christmas this year and Aydan will be with his Dad on the day so I know it will be emotional for my Sister, I am hoping we can gather at her house..... She literally has no where to spend Christmas morning. It's just crazy. Well of course I will invite her over to Ted's parents home but that's not the same. We both want to be with our family too. It's so strange to not have a home to go back to for the Holidays, to show off your children to you parent's old friends, neighbors, etc. It's been a very challenging transition. I want Aydan and Elle to have speical memories with our family, Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents but I need to accept things have changed and this is our new Family but our hearts will always ache and we will do everything we can to make certain their memory lives on through both of our children.

We are so thankful we have Elle, honestly, I feel at times she is the only thing that will make the Holidays bright. She continues to amaze us with how much she is growing, talking and learning. She is just too cute. And I am thankful for great friends and in fact, one of them is coming to visit me this weekend. A great way to kick off the Holiday Season. Just wish our house was in better shape but we have a few more weeks to go.....we picked out the granite for our Island this weekend and the new fridge and stove arrive this week. Getting excited for future entertaining...

Love,

Melissa

21 months old

2010-11-08T18:46:00.003-05:00

Favorite foods: spinach, broccoli (yes, I got lucky), greek yogurt, pizza, strawberries, vanilla ice cream, papa's homemade mac and cheese, anything CHEESE

Favorite things: books, blankies, puzzles, animals (dogs in particular)

Favorite activities: picking up leaves, cruising in her beep beep, art at school, playing with friends, dancing, feeding Gracie, unloading the dishwasher

Favorite words: walk away Gracie, oh no, love you mama, love you papa, love you Gracie, gracie go potty, bye bye everybody, all done, more, please, doggie, book, read

Favorite sign language: more, please, eat, dog, cat, mom, dad, police, doctor, help, spider, book, baby, thank you

Latest game: not liking to put shirts on in the morning or diaper changing

Favorite time spent with Elle: walking her up to the square, grabbing a coffee, and letting her run around the fountain......rocking her at night thinking about life, missing my family and how lucky we are to have a healthy, beautiful, smart toddler even with tremendous grief.... and lastly, in the morning-we try to get 10 more minutes of sleep so we bring her in bed (only if it's after 6am) and she watches Disney's OSO and jumps all over us

I love her with all of my heart and I can only imagine how much my Parents would too........may they look down and see this beautiful, growing daughter of mine.....we miss you everyday and you are the reason we are here today and have become the people we are.

All my love,

Mommy

notes

2010-11-05T20:33:00.003-04:00

It's the little things that brighten up a day....but meaningful things that warm your heart and even make you laugh a little too....

I've been having nightmares again and just very vivid dreams. They always impact my day. Always regarding my parents, my brother, guns, and they rotate my really close friends in and out of them. Today when I got the mail, in addition to the Holiday catalogs and bills, there were two cards written out to me that I was excited to open. First was a postcard from one of my best girlfriends, who clearly knows I am a tad stressed over this "dust"...her post card said on the front "I dreamt my whole house was clean" and she wrote inside (reminding me that there is a light at the end of THIS tunnel) that a beautiful kitchen is coming soon. Thanks friend....

And then I opened the second card, not recognizing the handwriting, and began to read such beautiful, thoughtful words. I had given my therapist a copy of my book the last time I saw her and she took the time to write me a quite lengthy note about how touching it was and how she wish she would have met my parents and how handsome of a couple they were and how she has gotten to know them through me and how very proud they ARE........she was so thankful I shared this with her. She has been a wonderful blessing to my life and at times maybe even the only person that fully understands what I am facing. She herself said she could never imagine something so horrific yet I have explained to her my inner most thoughts, fears, anger and sadness....and I think she gets it. She continues to tell me that I have down a remarkable job. Yes, yes, I know........but it doesn't take the sadness away? I'm just one of the lucky, tough ones.......but it doesn't make it any easier.

What two beautiful notes to cheer up my day and to make me feel important. Much love to two special ladies in my life....

Tomorrow is a big day for miss Elle. At 21 months old, she will get her very first haircut. While she doesn't have a ton of hair, it is simply growing out and covering up her eyes so I will take her to see my Maria that I have been going to for the last 4 years.....this should be interesting.

Much love,

Melissa

the great pumpkin

2010-11-01T17:49:00.002-04:00

I am now seeing the true fun behind Halloween. And, a greater understanding why it was one of my Mom's most favorite times of the year. It's all about the kids but even adults can have fun too. My Mom always dressed up and even more so after we got older and she no longer had to walk us around the neighborhood for hours on end to get more candy......one of her more recent creative costumes she put together herself was the bride of Frankenstein. She wore an old red formal dress of mine with a massive wig and painted her face very creepy looking. It was quite outrageous but she was full of fun and got the biggest kick out of the costume and seeing people's reaction. Dad, on the other hand, went the easy route which consisted of a Hawaiian shirt (which was included in his daily wardrobe anyway), a Tigers hat and maybe a mask, and would call himself "magnum PI". One things for sure, they always had fun. Our childhood home was the hot spot for trick or treating...we were right on the corner which meant we always had to have the biggest pumpkin in the neighborhood, a creatively built spider on our tree made by my Mom and her friend, and plenty of friends and family stopping by to visit throughout the evening. My Cousins still miss Halloween at my Moms. They have been going over their since they were little. My nephew too. It was part of the tradition....so much has changed and for us because we live out of State, we generally have smaller more quaint gatherings with a few neighbors. Ted cooked up a pot of my Dad's kielbasa and sauerkraut, cupcakes were baked and we had a fridge filled with seasonal beers to enjoy on the porch with friends. Miss Elle had the most fun walking up and down the street to collect candy. She got the hang of it after the first house and it was too cute watching her grab the candy and place it in her bucket. We let her indulge because it was Halloween....folks, we have a chocolate lover on our hands. She finally came down from the sugar high and fell fast asleep around 8pm. She was exhausted. Let's hope we can keep the sweet tooth to Holidays and celebrations....I am sure all Parents say this. I am just pleased she still eats her broccoli and spinach.

Ted's parents were also down for a quick visit this weekend. They don't get down to Cincinnati much as they work full time and we are so busy to begin with but it was nice to have some family down to see our renovations, to play with Elle, to take us out to dinner like were kids again, and to have someone to go shopping with to pick out fun shoes for my daughter. Relationships with in-laws can be complicated and I have listened to people through the years complain, gripe, and ignore their in-laws. I just didn't get it. Ted and I loved watching, after we got married, our two families become close. Close enough to share several Thanksgivings together, birthdays, visits up to the lake, Christmas day dinner, and even the last Easter dinner we all shared together before my Parents were killed. We had a unique bond. But, take your immediate family away, all you knew as a child, having a new baby without your parents, and facing a horrific loss that you still can't make sense of, and you are bound to have pressures, struggles and sadness as you try to make your way back into a family that you have loved dearly for many years yet you miss your own family, traditions and love from them--so badly. It has been very heartbreaking and difficult.

I guess I have learned that while the deep sadness of the way they died and the constant wishing they were here to see "this", you learn to take deeper breathes, you bite your tongue a little more as no one will ever truly understand what we are facing, and you continue to surround yourself by the best people that you love and that have helped you throughout these tough times. It's hard not to gravitate to those who you feel most comfortable with and that you feel have been even a part of your healing process. I have learned so much throughout these last few years and you truly find your lifelong friendships and family who will always be there through the toughest days of your life when you suffer a life-altering event. You know who will be there and sadly, some relationships may fade...no one's fault of course. Some just don't know what to do or say and saying nothing results in hurt and anger for some. I act like I have this all figured out when I really don't....I learn something new each and every day and wish more then anything I never had to discuss the topics of tragedy and grief and the impact of losing your identity before your eyes. But one thing my Sister and I have been so blessed with is inner strength. I talked about it in the interview and this is what allows us to get out of bed each day to let the joy and fun and love into our lives to give our children, family and friends, all we have to offer. We do this well but not without tears along the way.............we miss our family. And I can already feel the sense of sadness as the Holidays approach....no matter how much you have to be thankful for (mainly a healthy, beautiful daughter and a supportive husband), nothing will ever replace the void. The meaning of Holidays will be forever changed for me but I look forward to watching them through the eyes of my child and thinking of the joy I know us kids brought to my Mom and Dad....especially around the Holidays. I wish they were here.

All of my love,
Melissa

my live interview to share A Healing Heart

2010-10-25T20:02:00.004-04:00

My interview live on Fox 2 news went exactly as I had hoped and prayed about! Almost losing it several times, I kept my composure and talked about grieving, my relationship with my Parents and how inner strength allows me to get out of bed each and every day with such significant loss. I was pleased with the questions, loved the flow of the pictures (not all were played that I submitted and felt bad my Sister wasn't in them) and thought the reporter was so incredibly sweet and sensitive. The second we went off camera, tears rolled down her cheeks, and she just continued to say how sad this was. We were a normal family and even with my brother having some mental illness, he didn't cause any big troubles or drama in our lives. It was the ultimate shock. Although I never talked about it live or even in the book, but I continue to be saddened with all my Sister saw and went through and wish I could have been there with her. I wonder where I would be today if I did see all she saw? I honestly don't think I could have handled seeing my Mother, talking to the police and walking into my childhood home with everything as they left it before they were killed. These are the toughest moments imaginable.

Who knows what's next in store for A healing heart.....but one thing is for certain, my Parents memory will always be alive in the pages of the book and now I can leave this behind for my Family. My own legacy and story to share with my loved ones. Aydan will remember some and how much he misses Gamma and Papa but sadly, Elle will only know them through me, pictures and stories but she too will get a glimpse through the book on how special they were and the meaning of unconditional love. I will miss it for the rest of my life. And no one will ever replace that love or void. I hope others will read and maybe even just for a moment will understand the deep pain and sadness one may feel after such a tremendous loss of loved ones. And maybe they will live better lives because of it and will stop sweating the small stuff and complaining about things that are not life altering. But I know this is hard, we all get caught up in our own lives. I bite my tongue.......but I am not perfect just as I walked into my house full of dust today griping why on Earth did we ever start this project. I am so sick of eating out and Miss Elle misses her steamed spinach........

I thank my friends, family, and the Close family for watching the interview, supporting the book and being together for some fun Saturday evening.......their memory lives on through all of us.

Melissa

pictures from my weekend in Michigan

2010-10-17T18:59:00.003-04:00

Ugh....I have to take down the picture Dad hung in my living room and the shelving he put up. I remember griping when he originally did them "They're too high", I complained yet I only trusted my Dad to hang up anything back then. It was his thing.....the two homes we have lived in....he always hung up the pictures, shelves, etc.....I miss having him around and while I am so excited that we are renovating our first floor and will have a big open kitchen and entertaining area, I am saddened I had to take down some of the things they helped us with. And it bums me out the most they won't be here to see it and to enjoy with us. Everything in the house reminds me of Mom and Dad. The Pottery Barn rug in my living room for instance, Mom and I picked it out at the outlets about 3 years ago....the thing weighed over 200 lbs and we somehow managed to get it in my car and we had a heck of a time putting it in the living room. My Dad didn't understand that rugs go under the furniture so we kept messing with it until we got it right. We frustrated him. I think that's about when him and ted left to make themselves a drink. It was so much fun having them around. They were more like friends at this stage in our lives and I could nag them. The best part.

My Grandpa O. has been gone for a year.....on Saturday, one year ago, he joined my Parents and his wife and most of his family up in Heaven. I wonder who greeted him. I could see my Mom, Dad and Gramma....all holding hands welcoming him.....and maybe wishing we were all up there. I miss my Grandfather. After my parents passed away, I still had him.....I would go over there when I was back in MI and sit with him, do puzzles, bring him food like I always used to do....my Father was raised in this home......it was peaceful for me to be with him. But I knew once my parents were gone, he would never be the same. And I was right.....his health and independence went South......once he was put into a hospital for 24 hour care, I knew he wouldn't last long. I will never forget when my Sister and I went to see him which was the last time I ever saw my Grandpa. He looked terrible. I hugged him and I was in shock. I couldn't believe the drastic change he went through. The tall, strong, man who greeted me for 29 years of my life at his front door, was dying. And another piece of childhood was lifted away and I felt even more alone.............He was ninety, it was time. But after losing so much, I was hanging on to anything left of my parents and I didn't want to see anyone else go.

I thought tonight as I often do about future milestones, birthdays, and holidays and just general good things happening to us in life and thinking will they ever be "great" again (for me)? For me, family completes all of those things. Friends, your only family (husband and children), your parents, grandparents, aunt and uncles are all important factors to your life and even more so as you get older. I miss that closeness I once I had and I will miss it for the rest of my life......

Getting anxious for the weekend to share my book with close friends and family and more nervous then anything to share my book LIVE on Fox 2 news Saturday morning at 8:45am. Please tune in to watch it if you live in MI. The only way I agreed to do it was that the focus of the segment was not the day my parents died and that it was around the book and the continued journey of healing. I know I can do this.....as I have said to my husband and friends, I've already been through the scariest most traumatic thing imaginable, I can certainly handle talking about the book and the heartache. I know my parents would be proud. They always were.

a sunny Fall weekend

2010-10-11T21:10:00.004-04:00

A beautiful Fall weekend at home with visitors......it was a tad warm for early October however we enjoyed having 3 full days of Sun and warmth knowing that cold weather is just around the corner. Our friends, who are more family then friends really, came to visit us for the weekend with their daughter. It's strange now both having children........life has really flown by and you think of what your close friends and you have been through from College to your wedding to your first jobs and moving out of State.....then you think of things that you'd never in a million years do with a close friend...like pick out your Mother's dress that she would wear to her funeral..... Heartbreaking moments yet beautiful moments like sharing your daughter with your friends and continued memories during the Holidays and fun getaways on the weekends.......with having such a small family, we rely on our friends even more.....we hope they are a part of our lives until we grow old..........I watched my parents cherish their friendships and make them a priority.........I intend to do the same and I am so thankful my parents had good friends. People that cared about them and their family so much......they were lucky......and I know many of my parents friends were overwhelmed with sadness when they died......I will never forget at the viewing watching the hundreds and hundreds of people pile in to pay their respects to my parents.......it was overwhelming watching people's reactions......that was the hardest day of my life...........ugh..........Fall makes me miss my family even more-I know the Holidays are near.....and Mom and Dad always came down around Fall time.... and also missing all of my friends that live throughout the US....wishing I could share a nice Fall weekend with all of them too..........I miss you all.

Washington DC

2010-10-06T20:12:00.004-04:00

A wonderful weekend with such fantastic friends and hosts. Incredible food, drinks, hanging out and sites throughout DC......I enjoyed walking around Molly and Brian's neighborhood the most in Alexandria, VA and also LOVED seeing the White house....Elle was such a great traveler and it was good to spend time and visit places with the three of us......While I continue to be saddened without my immediate family together, I am so thankful for the friendships we have and the places we continue to visit and add to the memory bank. I miss my Family so much and would have loved to share this fun visit we had with them...I would have had to get Mom a thimble and Dad a shot glass of course. Mom would have gotten a kick out of us visiting the white house and the world war II memorial. She loved this stuff.......I missed my parents badly on Sunday as we were traveling back from a great weekend. I missed my brother too. And my Grandfather, on October 16th, will have been gone for a year.... So much loss for our family and there are moments I feel overwhelmed with all of this....

And then I looked ahead and saw someone who has come into my life 6 months ago or so and has given me some hope and understanding for what I am dealing with. My therapist. She is so put together and lovely looking and when I called her name she ran over with such great excitement to actually meet my husband and daughter. She was in awe as she has heard so much about them. She continued to pat my shoulder and call me kiddo. And how much she looks forward to seeing me again soon and how it's always good to see me........she's awesome......and it allowed me to take a deep breathe as she often reminds me to do, recognize the sadness, feel it and acknowledge how badly this sucks....and then...keep going positively if I can. There will always be such waves of emotion with something this tragic and I so appreciate that she helps me understand this. It's not going away....but it's important that I don't get stuck as so many others would....and do......it's an every day fight. And I know in my heart I'll win but my life will never be the same.... I am still so lucky and grateful for so much in my life.......especially weekends such as this.

unconditional love

2010-09-29T21:27:00.004-04:00

I miss the unconditional love the most. I have come to realize, no one loves you or your children and cares more then your own parents do. I probably have always known that yet it didn't quite dawn on me until my parents were gone and now that I have my own child. Of course friends and family LOVE you and adore your children.......but if your lucky like I was, there's nothing like a parents love. And most of us don't realize it until much later then life. We go through so many different stages as children. I loved the stage when I finally was able to be my Mom and Dad's friend somewhat. After college, after I was married.....I was 100% officially on my own....never again, "I need money!" Your relationship changes and it was great fun having fun with my parents and being more like friends. Elle will probably dislike me for many years but one day when she's all grown up, out of the house, working, married, etc....I will look forward to being her friend. If I'm as lucky as I was with my own Mom.....

I miss calling them and talking about nothing or everything......so many things are happening lately....stupid little things like saving a ton of money by refinancing or getting our quote done for our kitchen rehab....or heading to DC this weekend to see the white house, friends and other fun things.....I want to share my every day life with them. I think that's been one of my biggest struggles. They were so incorporated into my everyday life... more so my Mom.......but I miss having that one person that was always there and always listened. Yeah, it's lonely, and I have great friends and a Sister and other family to reach out too. But it's different. I've always had very close relationships with friends and family but there's certain things you just want to tell your Mom and Dad ya know? I know how proud they would be. They would also be annoyed though and I miss having them be annoyed with me. Our kitchen is great....it's already renovated but it's not very functional and we can't really entertain and have always wanted a big island to stand around with our friends. They would think it was stupid to spend the money. I'd do it anyway and then dad would come down and LOVE all of the extra counter space to do his prep work. Mom would finally have room to store all of her cheesecake stuff when she would visit as opposed to stuffing it one of our small cabinets. I think we're going to stay in this house for a while now so we are in "making it functional" mode....it's such a fabulous neighborhood and we love our neighbors across the street....we just weren't ready to say goodbye to Hyde Park yet. I look forward to sharing some of the changes in the coming months.

I hope they are looking down to see the things that are happening in life.....my heart aches to think if my Mom happened to look down last week and saw how sick my Sister was and how she was so overwhelmed and busy running Aydan everywhere (Soccer, Hockey and Swimming) and helping him with his homework and packing his lunch in addition to working 40 hours at the hospital caring for people.....I think my Mom would be so sad seeing this. I know she would want her to have more support and help. And I think of my Mom's Sister. I miss my Aunt so much. I know how sad this would make Mom. I know she'd look down at me at times, rocking Elle to sleep, as I wipe a tear from my cheek, and she too would cry with me! She was such a mush. She would be devastated and would want to be here. Yet, I hope, they are proud and that their pain is gone and they would be at peace and just want us to be happy......but I just don't know what to believe. Of course you want to believe that but when something like this happens you question ALL faith..........I just hope they are up there together having a great old time knowing they will one day see us all again. I can't wait.

Until then....living on (you will never hear me say moving on-It's such a hurtful thing and I don't think anyone could ever move on after something like this but I pray all of us can "live on", I really pray for that) in honor of my family who we miss SO much.

Thanks for being a shoulder to cry on this evening.

Praying for a baby that was still born last week. I balled my eyes out last week for a friend in the industry that I met here in Cincinnati. Annabelle was laid to rest this week and that sadness, while they were somewhat prepared if that's even possible, has got to be so overwhelming. I can't even relate but I relate to the numbness and deep pain, sadness and anger. Why us she is thinking? I hope she was given the gift of strength that I (think) I have but I also hope she allows herself to have those really weak moments because I sure do.... And Holidays will be so freakin hard. They always will be. Your heart will ache every day but you will smile again......life will be forever changed though. Surround yourself with only the best of people. They'll know the dates and times that will be really rough in your coming days, months and years.....I hope they are there for you always.

With love,

Melissa

cincy weekend

2010-09-26T20:44:00.004-04:00

At last, a weekend that wasn't so hot. Wonderfully sunny and around 75 degrees..........fun with friends, a fabulous dinner party, shopping, farmers market, several walks, went for a run......pumpkin ale with friends.....a playdate with Elle's friends, caught up on yard work, etc....

Off to DC on Friday with the little family.......cannot wait. I love a busy life, it's the only way to do it.

Getting such sweet feedback from my book and I so appreciate it. I miss my parents more then anyone could ever understand- I am so thankful people are taking the time to read my love for them and can sense my hope for a less painful future....

With love,

Melissa

A healing heart by Melissa A. Close

2010-09-20T16:43:00.004-04:00

I have faced and continue to face my fears........one of them being how I would tell my daughter and nephew this story one day? The darkness yet the journey of healing, the pain of not having my parents in my future life yet the joy and the strong relationship we had for so many years. How would I tell them how much joy my parents got watching Aydan grow and how much they would have loved Elle. I had to document this journey of healing that in my mind has only just begun.............I know this sadness will be a part of my life for the rest of my life but I wanted a vehicle to leave behind. To share today and into tomorrow. To be certain their memory never fades away. For my family and friends to understand this from my perspective, because we all heal differently. A daughter's perspective. A way to show my family and friends how much their support has meant to me but that there are and continue to be days of great loneliness. I want people to know how normal my family was and that this came out of nowhere. But I didn't want to talk too much about my brother, I wanted him to have his privacy. I want and aspire to keep my parents memory alive.....so I decided to write a book...............and self publish it. And I am proud to say, it is officially on amazon.com titled, A healing heart: a glimpse into the first year of a tragic loss. I dedicate this glimpse into my heart and journal entries I have complied to my parents life and to my beautiful daughter and my nephew, maybe now they will have a better understanding one day.

Thank you to all of my parents friends and family out there that continue to check in and read my blog, I think you will enjoy to see the documented version in the book. While heartbreaking to put this project together, something within was pushing me to do so. After having the initial thought and doing some pre-work, I went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant and after, opened up a fortune cookie. It read "you are a lover of words, someday you should write a book". Once they died, that was all I knew to do was to write.........whether it made sense to anybody else or not, it's the only thing that would allow me to sleep at night. I now have something to leave behind and share with others. I am determined to keep my parents memory alive and share with others that they are not alone and they too can get through anything life throws at them. I wouldn't say I am through this yet........I think I will continue to face challenges daily whether it is simply missing them or situations regarding my brother or overall heartache from not having my family unit together. But, I want people to know it is possible to still live with tremendous heartache. I was given such a tremendous gift of strength and I know even through some of the people impacted by my parent's death, that not every one has this skill. There are days I think I am the weakest of all and I am really down and think how awful this has all been but then they are days that I know how lucky I was to have them in my life even though it was much too short. They were so special to me and I pray their memory one day overcomes the tragic way they left the world.

Thank you for checking out the book on amazon and to my friends and family who will gather with us in October to see the book and to share in a little celebration......

lonely heart

2010-09-12T18:59:00.004-04:00

Miss Elle's almost 20 MONTHS! (I continue to say she's 18 months when people ask......) She can now play the piano (OK, so she can hit some keys on this cute piano we have in our neighborhood) and she can hang from a bar in gymnastics class (OK, while the instructor holds her up) BUT she's still talented people! (totally kidding)..........she's at a really fun stage. I know we all say this, but this is my favorite stage. They say "love u" and hug you and eat (most of the time) and drink their milk and water BUT they throw tantrums (like today when I took her to the square and someone was playing on HER piano. That was not cool according to her. But I love that I can still rock her. I am so glad I never stopped as it's part of our routine. I read her a book or two, sing a little, pray, and rock her in my Mom's chair for a few minutes and down she goes.......

Not going to lie..........it was a lonely weekend though........I just miss everyone. Ted, my parents, my grandfather at the lake, my aunt-so much has changed, my Sister (she has SO much courage) and my friends (thanks to skype I caught up with two of them today).... My Sister was courageous today and had dinner with my brother. No glass separating them. They ate his favorite foods. I never asked her if she ended up making my Mom's cheesecake that he requested. I don't want to know. It's all too much to handle. Not many people if in her shoes could do this. I still cannot imagine, yet it causes me much discomfort.....I was enjoying my morning walk through our beautiful neighborhood, got my $4 coffee that I love from the farmers market, and chased Elle around the fountain barefoot.........but yet I was still lonely-thinking of everything--why MY brother and MY parents. I am so lucky to live in such a great place as I seriously get anxiety to think if I weren't in a neighborhood like this. I like my freedom and I love how I can walk anywhere.....I'm even venturing out and getting to know people at the end of our street, we've mainly stuck with our end of the the street (we love our neighbors across the street) but with walking Elle so much, I started stopping and chatting and there's so many kids on our street......I even found an interior decorator. Not that I need one or would hire one for my entire house, but I am looking for a few ideas once we open up our floor plan which is hoping to be our Fall project. I need projects. They keep me sane.......

And as much as I enjoyed my entire weekend spent with Elle and especially loved breakfast with her and Ted after her first gymnastics class, I'm oddly enough okay with going to work tomorrow. I like to be around people......BUT, I am hoping for speedy week as a great friend is getting married in Toledo this weekend and it is sure to be an event...........

I miss my loved ones.

With love,

Melissa

the new generation taking over Harrison, MI

2010-09-08T21:27:00.003-04:00

Well, the weather was pretty yucky which was odd for Northern Michigan over Labor Day but I was really excited to have my friends up to the lake and to be honest, relieved to not be putting on a big party or dinner. It was one of my more relaxing weekends up there. Sure, I could have cleaned out closets and drawers but there's years to do that stuff......I wanted to sit down on the dock and enjoy one last Summer weekend sitting on a chair with a cold beer but the weather was unseasonably cold and sadly, rain came in. But, we still managed to see the sun shining against the lake Sunday morning, played several games of 31, ate brownie S'mores, and enjoyed watching Aydan, McKenna and Elle at my parents favorite place.

It still sucks. I think it always will. I would try not to think about it and enjoy the people I had up there but there were moments where I would just think how much fun they would be having if they were alive with our friends and kids up here.......it still makes me so sad...they should be here....what if I never fully enjoy this place again? This place wasn't "left behind" to us, it's so different, our family was ripped apart and we are left with it. But, they loved this place. It brought them such relaxation and joy. I wish I knew what they would want. I think they would be happy we are going up there and enjoying their place and sharing it with our loved ones and making new fun memories with friends.........

I got to see Grandpa. He looked great. He stopped by for a drink with Eve and some of her family that was up visiting. I know it's hard for them too and I so appreciate them coming over to see miss Elle. I love my Grandpa. Him and my Mom were so close and I know for a fact it would mean the world to her if we maintained our relationship. We have and we will.......he's the closest thing I have left to her and my Father adored him as well......such a unique relationship.......I know he misses them as much as I do. He knows just as much about the lake house as my parents did. He was called throughout the day over the years to come over and help my Dad "fix things". He chuckles about this now.

I do love northern Michigan. I wish I would have told my parents how much I appreciated it up there. Wish I would have brought my friends up there even more but I know the times that I did- they were on cloud 9. I love our home up there. It's cozy and the view of our little lake is peaceful and I love the that we are surrounded by huge tall trees that hug the stars on a clear night. It's a great spot for friends and family to enjoy.

I am once again thankful for the friendships we have and the good times we experience......thinking of you always,

Love,

Melissa

one last cruise around half moon lake

2010-09-01T16:03:00.002-04:00

Heading to the lake for labor day.....................it's getting more fun with Elle as she can run now and play outside and I think she will begin to enjoy it even more up there.....watching Aydan kick a ball around, cruising around half moon lake on Dad's pontoon boat, and breathing that fresh air that I didn't truly appreciate until much later in life.......we are so lucky to have been calling Harrison, MI our second home since we were born. Always a place where my parents spent time with friends and their family. It makes it so hard to be up there without them because we know if they were alive how much they would love to be up there with our friends and their grandchildren. It would have made their weekend having us all together....they loved showing their kids and grandchild off...........we will miss them so much this weekend and I will remember that labor day 3 years ago that I spent with mom and dad.......who would have ever guessed just 3 years later, they would be gone and we would be bringing our children up there. It's really heartbreaking. We are so thankful our friends are coming up to join us for some fun as well, our friends are always invited and welcome to join in the fun. We may not have a ton of family to come up with us but we sure have wonderful friends to experience this weekend with while keeping the memories we have shared with my parents on half moon lake- in our hearts forever.

Looking forward to cooler nights, star filled skies, yummy food by the fire, seeing Grandpa, watching Aydan and Elle run around and spending time with our good friends-and their child and seeing a growing belly too!!! We wish you were there Mom and Dad and we know how much you would want to be here..........that's what really sucks. That place will never be the same and I can feel the void the entire time, I carry it with me throughout the weekend, trying to distract myself and not think about it too much because it can get the best of you.....it really can. This was their favorite place in the world.....and they were suppose to spend many more years with us..........

With love,
Melissa

an end to another Summer...

2010-08-29T17:59:00.003-04:00

And just like that......Summer is almost coming to an end. This Summer went by quick but it was filled with nothing short of great memories with Elle, not enough time to see my nephew, and moments and times such as my birthday and our family vacation of great sadness and still anger that my parents continue to not be here for all of this, but I know this will continue into the next Season......

As I reflect on the Summer I think of all of the places I got to visit (Florida, Harrison-MI, Chicago and Hilton Head) and many memories that will get stored for a rainy day....such as Aydan's 7th birthday, Tom and Jess's wedding with family, seeing my girlfriend and meeting her son for the first time, a 4th of July spent with family at the lake on the dock, my girlfriend's baby shower and "girlfriend time", a weekend getaway in Chicago for a good friend, not being able to find a free weekend to celebrate our Summer birthdays with my Sister, and lastly a peaceful and beautiful week long vacation in Hilton Head with good friends and my Aunt & Uncle.........We continue to enjoy keeping busy, seeing new places and things and always making time for friends and family. Looking forward to seeing what Fall has in store........DC is on the list and looking forward to a special project being revealed and coming to life.......

This weekend we enjoyed a picnic with friends at our favorite local park and a night with our wonderful college pal after cheering on his soccer team to victory-OU vs Xavier!

Other than Miss Elle being covered in bug bites and watching the poor thing having discomfort, it was a pretty good weekend and while I always have such incredibly mixed feelings, I am so looking forward to a weekend up at the lake over Labor Day. Labor Day will always remain a special Holiday as it was the last time I was up-north with my parents.....

I can't wait to see friends, my Sister and Aydan, and enjoy a glass of wine on the dock and breath that fresh Harrison air....

Summer vacation

2010-08-22T20:06:00.005-04:00

After a full week of vacation with our fantastic friends at my Aunt and Uncle's beautiful home in Hilton Head, I feel grateful to have spent the time with people I love dearly. My parents were right, Hilton Head is fabulous and it meant even more to me that we went there knowing how much my parents enjoyed several trips to the Island to visit my Aunt and Uncle........

My Aunt and Uncle's homes in both Atlanta and in Hilton Head were so beautiful and we feel so lucky to have them in our lives. They welcomed our dear friends into their home and the set up was perfect for the kids, we thank them for this. My girlfriend and I have agreed a house is the only way to vacation these days now that we have children. We rented a home in FL last year and I am beyond happy that we were able to pull off another summer vacation with them. It was an amazing time to see the kids all together and I look forward to spending more time with all of them and hope our annual vacation becomes a lifelong tradition.........they were such an amazing family to travel with... so thoughtful, generous, laid back and fun....it meant more then you will ever know that you spent the week with Ted, Elle and I and that you got to know my Aunt and Uncle even better. We love you all so very much........you continue to inspire me as a new Mom and person. Thanks for your continued support and friendship.

I could not possibly sum up the vacation in a few paragraphs but as we made our drive home today after stopping through Atlanta last night- I thought of some of my most favorite memories...

Finally getting to see my Aunt's new homes in both Atlanta and Hilton Head- my eyes watered seeing pictures of dad, my grandparents, us as a family and reading the guest book that my parents signed exactly a year before they died. They had such a great time with family.....I really missed my parents this week....Nicky and I both signed right under my parents in the guestbook......
Pizza night the first evening we arrived in Hilton Head; my Aunt, Uncle, Ted and I sat around their beautiful kitchen island (the runway) and caught up on life
Staying up late..... drinking wine....talking......
Walking along the harbor with the lighthouse in the background and for a moment, watching our daughters hold hands for a picture.....where has the time gone......I think back to roommates in Chicago and here were are...family vacations with our children
Preparing the "welcome home party" for the boys who spent the day catching dinner...okay so it wasn't a party but we did have a tray of margaritas waiting to celebrate that we would be eating fresh fish for dinner
loading up the car for a day at the beach several times....timing their naps, making sure they had lunch, getting all the sand off of them, swimming in the ocean.......taking deep breathes as I tried to take it all in that I was on vacation with my dear friends and family...
Lunch at Salty dog cafe and enjoyed a yummy frozen drink with friends while trying to keep our kids busy so we could at least get a few bites of our food in~we then of course, picked up tees for us all
Watching miss Elle try to eat a sandwich on the beach...it reminded me of my childhood at the lake. Mom always packed us sandwiches for the beach....
waking up, drinking coffee, in my Aunt and Uncle's beautiful home......eating Nicky or Ted's yummy pancakes and planning what we would do for the day.....most likely, "beach day"
Our last evening spent with Mark and Nicky and we had the awesome chance to celebrate their 5th year anniversary with them- Ted cooked us a great meal and we popped open a nice bottle of champagne and stayed up late laughing so hard we had tears.......
Dinner with just my Aunt and I.......we laughed, started to cry, covered about every topic imaginable........we have had a rough two years as a family and the heartbreak continues but yet, we still cherish every moment spent and it brought me moments of peace as I sat there knowing how happy this would make my Mom and Dad.....here we are two and half years later......Mom and Dad and Grandpa are gone......and here my Aunt and I sit, in Hilton Head, enjoying dinner and some wine providing comfort for one another....

I continue to be incredibly blessed for all of the beautiful places I continue to see but most importantly I feel so lucky to have wonderful friends and my own family to share these memories with...........my parents are always with me...........and they have made me the person I am today. The pain remains but the joy is slowly coming back in......I have accepted, well sort of, that there will be really good and really bad days still........I know this....

i wonder what that was like

2010-08-09T21:50:00.006-04:00

Oh here we go again I say to myself with a sigh.......my Sister is growing up. Ok, so she's had to grow up faster then most her age. She turns 27 tomorrow....

She's stronger then most and I couldn't have done half the things she has done over the past two years. I often think of what it would be like to be in her shoes. Yes, we are both my parent's daughters, but she's done the hard stuff and has experienced so much pain yet joy that I often cannot wrap my head around. My Mother was in the labor & delivery room when Aydan was born. Mom cut the cord. I wonder what that was like? Mom videotaped Aydan's 1st year of life and got to celebrate 4 birthdays with him. I wonder what that was like? An hour after picking her Son up from Mom and Dad's, she got the call that they were shot by our brother. I wonder what that was like? My Mom's little baby girl, had to walk into a hospital room, at the young age of 24, and see her Mother lying in a bed, lifeless, gone, in a tragic state and surrounded by police with the news of what happened to Dad too. I never, ever, want to know what this was like.....

My heart aches every single day thinking of what she has had to suffer. The worst images imaginable. The painful reality through her own eyes. Telling her child that Gama and Papa are gone.........if I thought of all of her sadness and pain, along with my own every single day, I don't think I could get out of bed.

My Sister will never have that joy of calling up Mom and Dad when she one day gets engaged. Won't have Dad to walk her down the aisle or parents to celebrate all of the milestones that comes with Grandchildren. But she has something more then anyone could ever know or imagine; strength and courage. And while I know she still has really sad days and days where she doesn't know what to do with my brother, and is overwhelmed with work, school, being a mom, and having little support-she somehow has this ability to look at the brighter things in life. She does such a better job at this then me. She's more caring and sensitive then me. She spends more time with patients then most Nurses would ever want to and would stop traffic to save a turtle if she could. My Sister, Christina, drives me absolutely nuts about so many things and I will continue to try and micro manage her life for as long as I possibly can, but I hope she knows how much she is loved. She will always be the baby of the family. We have and always will worry about her. I think everyone always worries about the baby and they're the biggest pain too.... ..She had such a closeness with Mom, and while her and Dad had their arguments through the tough years, Dad took her young pregnancy the best out of everyone. Dad made the phone call to me, not my Sister or Mom...my Dad called me to break the news.... He said to me, "we can get through this". Thanks Dad and thanks Mom for bringing her into this world.............we miss you every day.

Sisters.....definitely one of life's greatest gifts.

Happy Birthday, to my Sister. I will be hoping she doesn't read this. But I feel like I am sending her some happiness and strength even if she never does.....she will always know she is loved!

so many other ways

2010-08-04T14:28:00.004-04:00

Another birthday celebrated without my family.....my Aunt sent me something today and while it sounded so lovely, I struggled to do it.....but it's gotten better as the day goes on.

Just for the day,
Merriment vs Melancholy
Enjoyment vs Endurance
Lighthearted vs Loads + Loads of Life
Inspiration vs Immersion in Stuff
Silly vs serious
Simple vs sensational
Awe vs analysis
Just for the day....celebrate with all of us who love you.

Any birthday, celebration or Holiday remains difficult. I don't jump out of bed anymore with glee that it's "my birthday". I look at it now, "ugh, another birthday without having my Mom to call me or another birthday without mom and dad to come down to celebrate, or even to receive a card from them". I just can't kick it and I don't think anyone else could either! I really don't. It's the strangest feeling to celebrate your birthday when the people who brought you into the world were tragically killed and you know so badly they would want to be here to celebrate. I think I must accept these celebrations will always be bittersweet. They're sweet because MY beautiful Mom gave birth to ME. I was her darling little girl, snobby teenager, track star turned independent married woman. They were proud and they would still be today. I know it... but none of this makes it easier. I want them here. A friend said something very true to me today though. She said she was amazed at the amount of fantastic friends that I have always been surrounded by. True, real, caring friends. I am lucky in so many other ways.

My husband has celebrated with me for the last week since I knew he would be gone on my actual birthday to LA. He baked me a cake from scratch, a fabulous dinner, then another "French inspired" meal last night, a cake made out of flowers was sent to my office, gift cards left in my lab top to surprise me (even though I have shopped several times AND got a speeding ticket that was suppose to be my birthday gift!). I am blessed in so many other ways.

I will celebrate today with my Elle, with a heavy heart, thinking of the people who brought me into the world, but also thinking of everyone (fantastic friends, family, co-workers) that continue to make my days a little brighter. I'm getting older and you never know when your last day will be. I pray I can one day find peace and acceptance and live life with little Elle and everyone around me to the fullest. It's difficult though and I look for strength to be sent to my family and I every day!

I had to post the picture of me opening up a card from my Mom and Dad on my very last birthday spent with them. What a fun day that was...we went to the water park and Mom and I floated on tubes on a lazy river with my cousin.......then, Ted, Dad, Mom and I met my friends out and we celebrated the night away in Cincinnati.

Happy birthday to me. I still have so many things to be thankful for in life.....I have more then most even though some days I feel like my entire world has crumbled. Motherhood has come so easy to me even while dealing with the hurt and sadness. Today, I am proud of ME.

early birthday dinner

2010-08-01T13:58:00.003-04:00

We had special guests arrive on Friday afternoon, the newly married Uncle Tom and Aunt Jess....they made a quick stop as they headed back to MI from FL......we showed them around our little neighborhood....grabbed a coffee then took Elle by the fountain, then hit up my Dad's favorite place- our local little pub for a beer, then back to the house for some appetizers and wine. Once we put Elle to bed, Ted cooked us a special early birthday dinner for Jess and I and we finished the evening with his homemade cake and chocolate butter cream frosting from scratch. My Mom would be just be in awe. He bakes. And his stuff is good.

It was a nice night but much too quick. We see them very little with us all living out of state and we'll see them only for a few days over Christmas. It's a bummer being away from everyone but we definitely enjoy our time much more when we actually get the chance to see each other and we try to make it a special occasion. We have become stronger individuals by doing this on our own and have wonderful friends and a fun little life going here in Cincinnati but we miss our friends and family all of the time and we look forward to the next adventure with them.

We keep ourselves really busy....always something fun to look forward to. It's the only way I can still go on is be busy and be around people I enjoy. I'll be in Chicago this weekend for an entire weekend of girls, shopping, dinners, drinks, in one of my favourite cities that I have lived in. It will stink to be away from Miss Elle but I am thankful to be able to leave quite often for night or two and she does really well with Daddy and has done well with Ted's parents in the past so it makes it nice. And then the following weekend, the trip I have been waiting for all Summer since FL, is the adventure to Hilton Head. I finally get to see this beautiful place my Parents admired for several years as they would visit my Aunt and Uncle. The best of both worlds; friends AND family time. My girlfriend and I have been planning out dinners to make and talking about things we want to do. It will be a great way to end the Summer......

I miss my Mom and Dad every hour of every day . It's the hardest thing to explain when you miss someone so badly that you know or have to eventually accept, that you won't ever see them again, here on Earth. It's a miserable feeling yet we are so blessed in so many other aspects of our life....yet, it never seems enough. All of the good hasn't been enough these past two years. But we keep "living on" and taking all of the fun in while keeping the sadness and memories they left behind with us along the way....

Wow, August is here. So many birthdays this month and I will be the BIG 3-1 in just a few short days.....yikes...

Love,

Melissa

John Mayer concert

2010-07-28T15:27:00.004-04:00

I had a great time last night attending the John Mayer concert with my manager, Jodi. She was so sweet to take me along as an early birthday present. She reminds me a lot of my Mom...she's about the age Mom was when I got married and her relationship with her daughter reminds me a lot of the dynamic between my Sister and I with my Mom. Very fun, loving, caring, helpful, say-anything kind of relationship. My Mom liked John Mayer and I pictured her with us, dancing, having a beer while enjoying being there..... I haven't been to a concert in a long time and I see the appeal now. The music was great, John Mayer was amazing live and we had great seats. He has so many incredible songs.

Elle stayed back with Daddy; they had dinner and read books and he put her to bed but prior to me leaving for the concert, I rushed home from work and was able to give her a bath, get ready and be out the door to have pre-drinks at my managers house prior to the concert. Mom's are such multi-taskers. I limited myself to a glass of wine and a beer since I was driving but we had so much fun.....now I am looking forward to buying his new CD and getting back into his previous cds.....

Thanks again for such a fun evening, what a great early birthday present. I think of my Mom and the last birthday she celebrated with me. My 28th birthday. It was a very similar evening....dancing, drinks, friends, and out on the town. I miss my fun mom. She was so young at heart....and had such a fun spirit about her. She always had a smile on her face.

a baby shower, friends and another speeding ticket

2010-07-25T19:59:00.003-04:00

A quick trip to the beach town of St. Joesph, MI...to attend my very special friend's baby shower. It was so wonderful to see her now going through this and to be able to spend time with her and my friend Nicky as well. (we missed you Al) She has a wonderful family and was recently married to a great guy last year....life has changed for her as well but in such a positive direction....

After the shower, and after hanging out by the pool, we headed into town for some drinks (water martini for Ray) and spent several hours talking with two of my greatest friends. We laughed a lot, there were tears, we talked about how crazy life is and this mess of a two years and things that are going on with their lives........we committed to one another that we would never lose touch and that these weekends spent with friends must continue...no matter what. I love them dearly and it is so nice to talk so openly with them especially while I still learn how to deal with all of this---girlfriends have huge hearts and care and listen and try to relate and agree that it sucks and it's so helpful to talk with them. While they may never fully understand, they sure do listen and continue to be my cheerleader- that my parents would be so proud- and how happy they are on where I am currently at in my life given what has happened and the heartache that continues. I am thrilled to welcome another one of my dear friends to motherhood. Definitely life's greatest gift. Motherhood and girlfriends. What would we do without them?

Although I missed Elle, she had a great day yesterday and today with "papa". They read lots of books, had a pizza night, passed out on the couch with the Dog.....ya know, all of those things that she shouldn't be doing. Glad they enjoyed themselves. And as I tried to rush back to Cincinnati to see them today, I ended up with yet another speeding ticket. This is not good seeing as I have a company car. Why don't I listen to my Dad and think of what he used to tell me? Every time I would leave home, he would say to me, "motor easy". I think that means drive slow and safe. I'm simply blaming it on the Lady gaga CD I purchased on Friday to listen to on the drive.....

Elle's favorite words

2010-07-20T19:54:00.002-04:00

And so life moves forward.....at times you feel as if nothing is going right, nothing at all could possibly take away any sadness you may feel but just for a moment, moments such as this, your heart opens up to new possibilities, new changes in your life, new memories, a sense of hope knowing they would be so proud but hurt they weren't here for this part of the journey.....and so she grows, and runs and talks....

These are Elle's current "favorite words" this week...papa, mama, moo, baa, dog, hi, bye.....disregard the talk from the "peanut gallery" in the background. Have I really turned into my Mother or what?

another weekend at home.

2010-07-18T21:42:00.005-04:00

Another weekend in Cincinnati...finally back to my weekend schedule of dinners and drinks with friends, walking Elle to the square to play in the fountain while I drink my coffee and Sunday mornings to the farmers market. We kept ourselves busy this weekend and had a sitter last night for our neighbors turn for the dinner party. We had the dessert course and Ted made a champagne cocktail to serve with his Southern Raspberry Tiramasu (sp?). So glad my husband cooks and bakes. Yeah for me. But the problem with this lovely set up is that he travels for work. and I am left with the responsibility for it all. I manage. Elle is such a good girl. Wish she ate more but toddlers graze and other days they eat everything in sight....we have gotten used to this.

I continue to be heartbroken as I watch a loved one go through a difficult time. Rock bottom. A completely different person. They're in every one of my childhood photos and in so many memories with my parents and family, pretty much every memory. Like a sibling to me. Everyone says, "focus on your family, you can't help, there's nothing you can do" but as I have learned through my Parent's death, no ones understands. It's all easier said then done and it's jut a reminder that Mom's gone..... She's not here to help, she's not here to call to get advice and or deal with this. I miss her. And no matter how fortunate we are in SO many other aspects of our life, their death and missing them and worrying about the family-my brother-everyone, continues to bring me down.

It's just a lot to carry on your shoulders and I have done extremely well considering this tragic mess, but I seriously have to work at it every single day or I could so easily rock Elle every night while being a balling mess. I do cry but I incorporate my crying into a song, or a prayer or the books that I read to her at night in my Mom's rocking chair. She hasn't noticed yet but she will one day and for this, I am sorry. It was never suppose to be this way Elle Bell.

Counting down the days to see my girlfriends this weekend.

busy summer

2010-07-14T11:03:00.003-04:00

I had the opportunity to meet up with one of my greatest friends and her son and husband last weekend. She lives in AZ......after graduation, we drove off into the sunset together and I helped her move to Arizona. We stopped in Mexico. I drove down steep hills through the West so she could sleep and it was a stick shift and had no idea how to drive it. She literally had to "switch gears" for me. Throughout the years, she's been there for me through the sadness of my parents death and the joys of my baby shower and sent thoughtful things during the arrival of Elle. Though she is miles away, I feel we are always up to speed on each other's lives......it's hard these days but I am thankful for the effort my close friends and I put in to still see each other as much as we can. I am thankful that she drove several hours with her husband and son just to meet Elle and I. It was great to watch her as a new Mommy. She is so laid back and you can see Carter has just adjusted to their lifestyle. We both worry as Moms...we don't want our kids to be brats, as we said, but we also don't want to be the "psycho" Mom.

It's challenging these days but I think if you keep your girlfriends and family close and use them for guidance while sprinkling in your own ways of doing things, all will be just fine.........I go the silly route. I try to be strict. We'll see. My mother was always silly. It's really all I know. She was silly a few days before she died. She was getting a colonoscopy and we chatted the day before her procedure. She found great humor in this. As children, we annoyed her and I can imagine three kids was overwhelming at times but she always told me it was the best time of her life. My Gramma died when Mom was in her 30's-I think I was arouand 8 years old- so she did a lot on her own with the support of her Dad, siblings, and friends. I wish I would have recognized her more for all she did. She was a great Mom who always put her children first but looking back, she kept her girlfriends close. I am proud to stay I have done that too.

I am looking forward to the many adventures with my girlfriends throughout the rest of the summer........dinner party this weekend along with our husbands, heading to St Joe-MI next weekend for one of my best friends baby showers, then Chicago for the weekend for my friends bachelorette party and then off to Hilton Head Island to visit with my Aunt and Uncle and our wonderful friends and their children.

This Summer has already flown by as we've been busy. I like being busy and we are already trying to book things for the Fall and possibly looking to renovate our house if we decide to stay. We were thinking of moving out to the "burbs" for more space, a bigger yard but I continued to think about the neighborhood that I love, the coffee shop and market I can walk up to and the new restaurants in our square that are opening up that I like to take our visitors to when they come. And then the emotional side of things.....my Mom and Dad knew this house and neighborhood. Dad helped us hang things, watered my lawn here, he favored the local pub.....not sure I want to enter a new home without sharing it with them. I know it will happen one day but I am not ready for it.
I think I want to look at options to open this house up a little and stay a little longer.........I continue to be surprised how much we ended up liking Cincinnati.........

I miss you Mom and Dad, every day.

homesick

2010-07-08T19:00:00.004-04:00

Life has been challenging these last two years. But when I think of being a new Mom, while I wish I had my family here to see her and help us along, this has been the easiest part of my life aside from learning how to breastfeed and figuring out how to feed her real food and getting her to sleep- we're in a great stage now...... The hardest part has been being a new Mom and not being able to share her with my parents. And not having that one person to call to say, "I need you here, Mom".

Years, days, & moments that are tough, I am thankful to be able to experience happiness watching Elle laugh and hoping for a life of happiness for her throughout all the years of her life. I pray she never has to face this kind of sadness or loss and that she never has to miss me like I miss my Mom unless she's away at summer camp or something. I used to get homesick a lot. I vividly remember staying over "Stephanie's" house. I would get this strange feeling, a terrible homesick feeling and would call home faking an illness. I missed my Mommy, Dad and my home. And as an adult now, I feel the exact same way. I'm homesick......

I'm praying for a family member that is in need of help. A person that has been in my life since the day that I was born. Always laughing and being goofy with my Mom. Very hurtful to watch someone you love face more darkness in their life when so much has happened to our family.

Wishing us all a little laughter this evening.

Melissa

fireworks, wine on the dock and elle on the boat

2010-07-06T16:30:00.007-04:00

I love the lake, I really do. But I hate being there without my Parents. It's work for one....I feel responsible to put on the dinners (Ted, Christina and Matt do the cooking of course) and parties to continue the traditions and entertaining- my Parents always did such a good job at all of this. They didn't stress like I did or maybe they did and didn't show it but I swear that just loved people around, Dad was magic with entertaining and cleaning up. I worry about keeping the house clean and maintained and we only have a few days up there a year so the time we do have is already rushed and stressful and we're chasing Elle, fixing things, etc. And it's just hard to be at a place that my Parents only got to enjoy for a little over 10 years- it breaks my heart. I see the beauty now clearer then I ever have. The stars are just unreal at night and the lake looks like glass as the sun starts to set. The dock that we built is just amazing. Such a place to gather, enjoy a glass of wine, catch some rays and an awesome place to catch the 4th of July half moon lake fireworks. We literally had our own private firework show. I think the only other audience were my Uncle and the family staying with him at his property down the lake. They were some of the best fireworks I had ever seen. Elle was sleeping, and some of my family members and I just sat there on the dock with drinks in hand ooohhhing and ahhhing over the display of sparkles in the sky. I want to share the beauty with them and have the opportunity to say thank you to Mom and Dad- thank for you for taking me to Harrison all of my life and apologize to them for not appreciating it until my adulthood.

There were times of stress and sadness. Someone near and dear to our hearts is ill. A person has to want to get help. No one is to blame; not my parents death nor other stress and sadness but they've been through a lot, more then most could handle. We are all responsible for our own actions though. Many of us feel great pain and sadness but we get up every day and add value, take care of our families and make the best of our life. I have a heavy heart for many of my days, and have moments of anger, jealousy and real sadness but I have moments of peace knowing what spectacular loving parents I had and that there are not many that had what I had, even though very few will ever face what I have faced- I know my family is stronger then most. If we (most of us) are still smiling today after this dark tragedy, then we are should be proud of our courage and ability to "live on". I don't think it will ever get easier and hate to hear that time will heal as I can't imagine even 10 years going by and me being okay with their tragic death and being okay that my brother is in a hospital. But I do know I can still live on. I also hate, hate, hate, the thought "move on". I don't believe anyone I know would ever move on if they lost their greatest loved ones in a way such as this but our strength does pull through for us and allow us to slowly move back into life. I still don't watch TV or listen to sad songs or read depressing books. I may never.

I think of my Mom and how sad she would be and how angry my Father would be with this person's illness. My Dad hated any family drama. He seriously was happiest when everyone was just getting along. As one of my Aunts said to me, "your heart was in the right place" as we did our best to pull the family together, have shirts made in honor of my parents and new memories, and gather everyone outside of my parent's home with the lake as our background for a family photo.

But, maybe this isn't what my parents would want. Maybe I am trying too hard to fill the void of their loss that I am constantly looking for family to be together for friends to make plans with, to keep busy, to always be going, going and doing, doing. Sometimes I feel like if I am not busy planning something that I will have to stop and face reality. I have those moments when I am reading to Elle and it's quiet. I don't like those quiet moments other then being with Elle of course, but there is too much time to think and reflect. Time to think how much I would love for my Mom, Dad and brother to see Elle grow....to watch her running around on my Dad's pontoon boat in her first pink life jacket. I think of the joy that would have brought to their lives. My Dad was very proud of me. He was proud of the person I married, proud of my career, and proud of my life experiences and living in nice places they could visit. I annoyed and upset him several times and caused him stress but I know he was proud. My struggle now is not knowing what they would want us to do...with the family, the lake, my brother, and everything else that goes along with this. I am trying to make them happy even when they are not here.

I need to continue working on lowering my expectations.....but as I am learning through therapy, I have these expectations, wants and wishes only because of the experience I have been through and that constant loneliness and desire for strong family bonds and friends that will always be there. This is not always reality. People have their own lives and I cherish the people in my life that the relationship is effortless and reciprocal. But I know not everyone can always be there for me and my family. Humans have limitations. I am starting to get it........
A person I work with who I admire deeply passed me a picture of herself, daughter and mother today at lunch. How rude of me that I stared at it for about 20 seconds, eyes watering up, thinking of seeing Elle grown up and picturing my Mom with grey hair and posing for this same picture. I quickly commented positively on the picture, ordered my food and moved on. I really didn't even see the picture, I just wanted it to be Elle and my Mom and I 20 years from now. These little things I still find difficult- a picture? ...........ugh, and the big things are even more difficult. But I can honestly look myself in the mirror each day and say, good job, Melissa. You are doing this on your own with Ted. I never wanted it this way but I will hopefully one day be stronger, better, while carrying all the memories I have had with my wonderful folks along with me for every move and decision I shall make. They are always with me...........just wish they were really WITH me.........and the pain of how they died will always be there. I always say to myself knowing it cannot change the reality, "any other way.............disease, accident.....any other way that didn't take them both away from me and my family so quickly".

You were missed at the lake as always....I can only imagine now what fun having both sides of your family to one of of your favorite places would have made you.

Praying for my family and strength for those that need it most. This has not been an easy ride....but when I look through my pictures from this past weekend, you would never know anything was wrong with my close knit family. While I love pictures as much as my Mommy, they often don't tell the full picture.....

Appreciative for my family that flew in from Atl and Tx and everyone else that drove up north to share in some fun at a special place...

yikes...I rarely use the word hate and I think I used it several times in this post. sorry. my Mom didn't like the "hate" word and really got annoyed when using god's name in vein. "say gosh" she would say!

family reunion

2010-07-01T14:51:00.002-04:00

Many of us will be heading to Harrison, MI tomorrow for the 2nd annual family gathering for the 4th of July since my parents have passed. I have Aunts and Uncles, and cousins coming in from Atlanta and Texas and I am thrilled we are taking the time and making the effort to be together as a family. I have spent every 4th of July as a child in Harrison.......fireworks at Wilson State park, pie eating contests hosted by Mom at Cranberry lake clubhouse, ice cream at Walravens, and bon-fires at night with fireworks, sparklers and s'mores. I took a few Holidays off as I went away to college, moved around for a few years, but I have so many remembered there and one that stands in my mind was about 5 years ago...some of our close friends, Ted's family and my parents all spent the 4th of July together at the lake....it was the perfect weekend. We went swimming in the lake, danced in the kitchen, ate on the deck, Dad cooked us all breakfast. It was the quintessential 4th of July weekend.............I will cherish those days for the rest of my life and thankful Ted's family & our friends got to experience these memories with our family.

My heart will ache this weekend.....it's tough to walk in. I try my best to block it- but the smell when I walk in instantly reminds me of them- where are they I ask? It will hurt when I see Aydan running around, fishing, collecting sticks and witnessing Elle running around on the sand, having my parents friends and family stop by to see her, it will be hard knowing how badly my parents would want to be here for this. They would love nothing more then to have their grandchildren, family- all of their siblings, and friends at their place for a big dinner. So, Chris and I along with the help of Ted and Matt will host a festive 4th of July celebration..........we'll do a toast, we'll take some family photos on the new dock for Mom and Dad, we'll eat, drink and do our best to cherish the time together. Many of us will have heavy hearts. I know it's not easy for others to be there as well. It's very strange to see their things, their decorations and pictures, and collectibles all throughout the house. Nothing has been changed. And yes, the Christmas lights are still hanging in the living room. We can't take them down. We can't move Dad's crossword puzzle he worked on last or Mom's book she was reading.

We will miss them dearly. Please watch down as your children and grandchildren enjoy our childhood place of Harrison, MI. It's so very strange to attend these weekends without our Mom and Dad. They were the hosts, they were the entertainers....they were the coordinators of planning these weekends now we have been given no other choice then to take over. It breaks my heart. We're still kids.......I think of my Aunt and Uncle's beach house in CT....and what it would be like without them hosting their many wonderful weekends with their kids, friends and family. Parents are the glue to the family. It's hard without our parents...........but I continue to be blown away by the resiliency and courage our family has shown through these tough times.

Here's to fireworks, Aunt Lisa's strawberry pies, s'mores, pontooning with Grampa and sitting on the dock of the bay.............wasting time....

Melissa

Happy safe 4th of July.

Fl wedding for Uncle Tom and Auntie Jess

2010-06-29T20:37:00.005-04:00

We arrived back into Cincinnati this morning after an unexpected cancelled flight yesterday out of FL....although it caused some initial stress, we were excited to have one more pool day and it happened to be Dad's 54th birthday so we were able to have some drinks and toast to him and remember my amazing Dad......I miss him so much.

I did well this weekend. I did what I said I was going to do- enjoy myself to the greatest extent. But there were moments of sadness......Ted's Dad did a beautiful speech at the rehearsal dinner- he started off talking about how at each of his son's weddings, their network of family and friends expands. He first talked about our wedding- my parents and the Olszowy family, and talked about the fun that we all had and the relationships that grew with Pat & Jerome and how lord took them away. I wasn't expecting anything to be said about my parents. It caught me off guard but it was so special. I know my parents had a special place in their heart and they always will. I guess it makes me sad because I know we had something special with our two families. And then, as my beautiful Sister-in-law walked down the aisle, I turned my head and saw my Sister crying. I knew she was crying for several reasons. She will never have that moment with Dad. I cried for her and cried missing my own father and then cried some more for how beautiful Jess looked and how happy my brother-in-law was.

The hotel we stayed at was very trendy and we had a fantastic room with views of the beautiful bay. We shared fun dinners out with Ted's family and after Elle went to sleep we would have family and the wedding party down in our suite for drinks. Elle was a rock star this entire weekend. She took naps, she went down every night in the hotel crib, slept through the night, passed out on the way home from the reception to be dropped off with a babysitter so I could go back and enjoy some of the signature wedding cocktails-"close to heaven" and dance with my Sister, cousin Beth, Ted and others...... Elle loves to run.....and I was whipped by the time it hit 9pm and I was quite relaxed once I could come back to the reception and enjoy the wedding. But Elle did such a great job and looked adorable.....she walked down the aisle perfectly, while holding my hand. and sat through the ceremony while she quietly picked apart her flowers. It was a special day and I was very proud of her and Ted- I loved seeing them both be a part of their wedding.

We enjoyed lazy days by the pool, frozen drinks, poolside food, checking out Siesta Key beach and being with Ted's family.

There will always be moments of great sadness- wishing my parents were still alive so I could share this all with them- to see how beautiful Elle is and how much she has grown. I think I'll be so sad about that for the rest of my life. See, they were suppose to be here. They were never suppose to miss all of this. Losing them both so tragically makes it even worse. But I thank my parents, perhaps even my grandfather, for sending down strength to my Sister and I. As my therapist says, recognize the pain- it really, really hurts, but then also allow yourself to let the joy in. And I think I did that this weekend. I definitely let joy in my life down in Sarasota, FL...

Tired,

Melissa

new shades for Teddy (papa-as Elle refers to him...)

2010-06-20T21:50:00.003-04:00

block party =lots of kids (our street has changed and is practically all families now), meeting new neighbors, food, drinks, Elle running around, kids to bed- adults finish fun on the streets with chairs, candles and wine. Father's day = Elle walking into the living room to give Daddy his presents, walked to our market for the bread of course, had a coffee and made our way back home, Elle and I went shopping to prepare for our trip-fell asleep in the car and she made it through the entire shopping trip at Babies R US asleep in my arms (I loved every minute of it, even the "arm is about to fall off" moments.... and spent time thinking about Dad..... too painful and too much anger to even talk about it anymore today. I miss him every day and it doesn't have to be Father's day to recognize my Dad or realize how tough emotionally it is without him in our lives.....I am so bummed he is not with us to share in my life with Ted and Elle.....I just don't even know what else to say anymore about it. I miss them so much.

A good weekend at home.....we are ready and waiting for the FL vacation and wedding of Tom and Jess.........much needed time away to a fun place..... And the countdown begins....4 days to go...

father's day shopping

2010-06-18T20:14:00.006-04:00

It's one of those days that I would have called my mom several times. work stuff. getting lost to Elle's ear doctor appt. shopping for Ted's father's day gift at the mall w/o a stroller- miss Elle trying on every hat and pair of sunglasses she could get her hands on...and then out to dinner with friends AND, Elle, for the very first time in a public place, had a melt down. She had her buddy sitting next to her in another highchair and she just wasn't feeling the dinner or the sippy cups, straws and spoons they were "sharing". And once we held her, she instantly wanted down. Luckily the couple who we were out to dinner with are good friends, they live just across the street, we had just watched their little guy last night for a few hours....so, we asked for our portion of the check and got the food to go for us. I was annoyed for a few minutes seeing as the second we got her out of the restaurant she was happy as a clam. Ugh, that Sam Summer tasted so yummy and I only got a few sips out of my glass.

Oh well, after reading hippos go berserk 6 times, she fell asleep and now I find myself sitting on our back patio with glass of wine in hand. Relaxing...at last.....I don't relax much- I'm not good at it, unless on vacation. I wish I had that talent to sit back and chill when at home but I can't. There is always a window to be cleaned of fingerprints or dishes to be loaded or laundry to be done or emails to be checked or flowers to be watered. Ted is a great help. He gets Elle packed up and fed in the morning so I can shower, and if he's not traveling he has dinner ready for us when we get home but I find myself thinking a lot of the times that it's never enough. There's always something else to be done or something else to think about. Like father's day...it was fun shopping for Ted and I can't wait to pick out a card for him from Elle but selfishly, I want Father's day to go by quick. I miss my Dad. He should be here right now. They should be getting into town tonight for a long weekend. We'd take them to dinner. He'd open his gifts on Sunday after he cooked us all breakfast. He was such a selfless guy to most. He wasn't perfect by any means but I see the way he was so much clearer now that he is gone. I loved how when he would come here he would take over; he was handy, he cooked, he fixed things, he hung things, he unloaded things and watered things.....I miss my Dad. I am angry he was gone at 51 years old so tragically. The pictures of him kill me when I look at them. His own son. Did this really happen? Are the days like below in this picture gone? Can we really never share a drink, a cigar, with Dad?

Happy Father's day to my Dad in heaven; you were the best and I know how proud of me you were even though I was still such a pain in the ass. And to my husband Ted, thanks for being the Dad I always knew you would be to our daughter. I have no doubt in my mind Elle will grow up to be a daddy's girl and I love that. Thanks for your understanding on Sunday. I know it's your day too and I know you deserve your own day.....but I'm sad. I miss my Dad, and his humor, every single day.

7 years old

2010-06-14T14:52:00.003-04:00

I can't believe the little guy just turned 7 years old.........I remember when he was born, a month after we got married. I would cry, because we were all the way out in Boston, and didn't get to see him much. I would call constantly. Mom would watch Aydan a lot and I would bug her several times a day to hear everything about what he was doing. It all seems like such a blur though with 7 years passing by.... I will be forever thankful my parents had those precious baby years with him and got to watch him and take him places and leave Aydan with special memories...he'll always have the pictures. But it kills me at the same time that he didn't get to continue having wonderful grandparents and for my Sister to have her safety net/support system taken away.... I was talking to my Sister before we came to MI this weekend and she had to put me on hold so she could pray with Aydan quickly before going to bed. I took my ear away from the phone because I didn't want to hear it. All I heard at the end though when I came back to the phone was something very painful and heartbreaking, "I wish you were alive so you could come to my birthday party on Sunday". My parents wanted to be here. They didn't want to miss your birthday party, Aydan just as they didn't want to miss Elle and her many milestones that we will have. It's hard, it's part of our life but we have such resiliency and my therapist confirmed today how "remarkable" I am doing- thank you Barbara. I don't hear that much. Only a few want to bring it up. They would rather say nothing then say anything at all because it will make them feel uncomfortable thinking it will make me sad yet for me, it makes me even sadder. I stick close by to the people that do say things and that I feel comfortable talking about my issues and fears with. I need to hear at times that I am doing well considering but I also know people have their own lives/stresses and issues even if they are small things, we all have stresses.
I keep going though knowing I have my own beautiful family unit and that we have so many wonderful things planned for the Summer...FL in two weeks in a beautiful hotel (we even splurged on a suite), we'll get to watch Elle run through the sand on one of the most picturesque beaches in the US and get to witness her trying to walk down the aisle, and then the 4th of July with family and friends gathered up at the lake- it will finally be warm enough to sit on our new dock with chairs, a glass of wine, and maybe a book...and then a vacation with friends to my Aunt and Uncle's beautiful vacation home in Hilton Head. I may have experienced the worst kind of loss and sadness that I find most of the time unexplainable, but I still have an exciting, adventurous life. Ted and I are "do-ers", we are outside experiencing life, we're good friends or at least we try, we're planners (ok, I'm the planner), and we make memories with the people around us. I hope people will continue to join us along this journey because I will never stop the planning and fun.........even if I am hurt on the inside of missing my wonderful parents and brother.............there is still a lot of life to be lived. I'll do it all with a HUGE hole in my heart! And some days I am consumed by the sadness, others I smile knowing I have become the person I am today because of the parents I had and the impact they have had on our lives-since their death. But I will always, always carry the sadness with me. It's never far from my mind. They were just too special and young....and I would do anything to have my Mom around to bug today. I want to bug my Mom today.

I am proud of the athlete my nephew has become. He's almost too heavy for me to pick him up which makes me sad.......they would be SO proud of him.....and he wants nothing to do with his "aunt missy" these days...it's all about "uncle Ted" - apparently I cannot kick the ball hard enough so he says......I know my Dad enjoyed his last day on earth tossing the ball to Aydan. My Dad was a great guy.

All my love,
Melissa

title

2010-06-07T21:38:00.006-04:00

Stupid death certificates. I had just gotten off the phone with my Sister-in-law to be and had a lovely conversation about their upcoming wedding and the plans and what the timelines are for Miss Elle, the wedding, and the babysitter she graciously arranged after Elle is ready to call it a night, etc, etc. Then I remembered I had to go through my parents things to locate the jeep's title from the lake that we are selling to one of my Dad's friends. A title- I can handle that. It will take 1 minute. I will run up to the top level, open up the files, go to the car tab, and locate the title.

But I had to once again, as I always do, pull the death certificates out and stare at them. I first start at the top and read their age, 50 on mom's and 51 on dad's . and then my eyes instantly wander down to see cause of death- multiple gun shot wounds and the very words- found shot. I hate this every time. My heart starts racing and I sit there on the ground just in shock for about 5 minutes. The file, which contains all of their important papers from 28+ years in Allen Park, still have a slight scent of their home on them and I smell it instantly when I open up the file box. I hate moments like this when I have to sit here thinking how my parents died. I gotta tell you, I think it one of the most worst thoughts anyone could have. I imagine children's tragic deaths and abductions of children with no answers and other tragedies in this nature have caused and are still causing these "shock" moments- even after two years have gone by. Just because they say time makes the pain a little less deep, it still hurts immensely.

See, I'm focusing energy on this. It's SO hard not to. I'm so mad and sad. Why did MY parents have to die this way. I want to be skipping through life with normal stresses, excited about upcoming weddings and babies, and milestones with Elle, etc......I hate feeling sad and bummed out about the future events. We are going to a beautiful place in FL with Ted's side of the family for his brother's wedding- I want to enjoy this with no dark moments. I can't wait to connect with our cousins and Aunts and Uncles and my Sister is coming and we'll get to see our beautiful daughter walk down the aisle for his Uncle Tom & Aunt Jess and be so proud of what she has already become in 16 short months of life. She already has a personality; she's funny, goofy and sensitive to other's needs. But then I am thinking how the day we leave FL, June 28th, is my father's birthday. He liked FL and loved Hawaiian shirts. In particular, the one Ted and I actually found for him down in FL before our family cruise.....we ended up burying him in that shirt. It was symbolic and appropriate for my dad.

And then we have the 4th of July. I want to focus on the fact of how blessed I was for all of those childhood years (even if I didn't realize until later in life) to be able to call a second place in Northern MI home and to now be able to gather with family and friends to continue making memories...just as they would have wanted- is wonderful (as a said before- sadness then sweetness). Their smiles, laughter and joy they got by entertaining friends and family has been embedded into me and I only hope we continue their many traditions and parties.

I want to enjoy these upcoming special events. I will be strong. They'll be floating around there somewhere....

I'll send the title tomorrow. Goodbye to papa's jeep. It's just a "jeep".....right? papa's jeep.

the special dress~

2010-06-06T19:28:00.004-04:00

The hubby traveled all week so we were excited to have him home late Friday night....

Saturday we packed up a cooler to bring lunch to the nearby park with miss Elle. Little did we realize how hot and humid it was but we still enjoyed an hour watching Elle take a few bites of food and run fast across the grass......now I am seeing the benefit of a nice lawn and yard....maybe next year....for now, I am enjoying this lovely neighborhood we have.....

This weekend was Mel and Nick's daughter's baptism and we ended up not going back since Ted got home so late and traveled all week and we actually will be in MI this upcoming weekend to help celebrate Aydan's 7th birthday (which is crazy by the way). I was bummed... but we were so honored to surprise miss Mckenna with the Olszowy/Greiner baptism gown that has been in our family for over 50 years......Melissa wasn't able to find her gown she wore as a child so I thought this was a special thing to do so I confirmed with my Aunt who graciously refurbished it for Elle- if it was okay. After she said absolutely, I overnighted the dress to arrive as a surprise. It's a special dress. I remember feeling sad getting Elle dressed on her baptism day thinking how my parents put the same one on me and how they were surrounded by their parents and all of their loved ones....30 years ago. I wanted my Mom and Dad to watch us get Elle dressed and watching us at church so proud to see Ted and I as parents. But I am positive they would have been so proud and happy to see Elle wearing it and then equally thrilled that McKenna, who is family to us anyway, proudly wear it as well.

So we couldn't be there but we, as well as a piece of my entire family and traditions, were present in spirit.....

pictures above are Miss Elle and then McKenna wearing the special dress almost exactly a year apart from each other.

Missing my mom and dad and thanking them for passing along strong values and traditions that live throughout so many of us......Melissa

therapy at it's finest

2010-06-03T21:15:00.004-04:00

I am so tired of drama....I feel like it's always something.....nothing is ever "simple" or easy. My therapist is right. I have to lower expectations or I am setting myself up to be let down and saddened for years to come. She said some very meaningful things during the hour today. here are just a few that I am truly trying to digest, understand and use. A mix of some things my therapist and I said today......

This tragedy was horrible- and this sadness you will carry for the rest of your life but do your best to recognize it but try not to focus a lot of energy on it- focus on the good memories you had. (This sounds so easy yet I fight the thought of how they died daily...I would love to think of only the good stuff. )
Being at the lake is hard because I know how much my Mom and Dad would have loved having all of their family gather. Again, recognize it but then get excited that wow, look at what my parents have instilled in us and how critically important friends and family are and how their spirit lives within us.
Expectations of what someone should or shouldn't say, do or shouldn't do-- they will never understand. never to the extent to which you and your Sister and family do. People have to move on. Surround yourself by people that have and will continue to support you no matter what. There will be people who will help you keep their memory alive.
Anger/depression/sadness- when it comes over you- I want you to take several deep breaths.
Stop saying your inlaws are "all we have left" or else you will be let down and all your needs will never be met- what about your Aunts and Uncles that are in your life even more now- take trips with them, visit them. What about your Sister, and what about these cousins you talk about on the East Coast and your Grandfather at the lake and these amazing friends you have. Friends become family in these situations. No one will EVER replace the void of your parents and the pain but you do have people out there to continue making memories with and to help carve out this family life you so badly crave. Be closer with YOUR Aunts and Uncles and Sister. Guess what Melissa- they DO understand. They are the only ones that come close to "getting it". (yes, but some don't want to talk about it. It's hard for them. Some want to try and block it out. My Grandfather can't face it- but then I think to myself- who could face this? Could anyone I know bury both of their parents at a young age as a result of this? Could anyone else be okay after burying their Daughter and Son-in-law??? I struggle with this).

She helped me so much (for today at least). I felt better after I left (although no sooner then an hour later more drama was brought into my life that of course I had to stick my little nose in ). But after all this I still find myself alone (she pointed out that is why I do and think a lot of the things that I do because I AM lonely due to missing my Parents and MY family unit) and thinking of the future without them. (SO normal she repeated) She continued to say try your best to not focus on the future without them or it will kill you inside. Every milestone/event/etc will have sadness but then sweetness. This is the truth but I need to do my best recognizing it then moving onto "but thanks MOM, I am a great MOM because of you, look at what you instilled in me".

Sounds all great right? Sorry....for anyone that is reading this post....it is probably so hard to follow. I literally just write what I am thinking and was trying to share a session that was so beneficial to me in the given moment and it started to make sense yet a few hours later, I still feel the empty broken heart and very plain and simply stated- I miss my Mom and Dad. Thanks for the support..........Melissa

a weekend of fun, friends and a wedding

2010-05-31T20:54:00.005-04:00

I am just coming off one of those weekend that you never want to end. Erich and Carolyn, our friends who currently are living in Paris, arrived on Wednesday.....and the fun didn't end until about 1am last night. We had two relaxing days Thursday and Friday...after work- we drank wine, had a BBQ, got pedicures and manicures, shopped, had a nice lunch outside, went for a run through our neighborhood, took Elle on walks and grabbed coffee, and just talked. It was awesome to have the time with them before the official wedding festivities kicked off on Friday. It was quite the extravagant weekend filled with the bachelor and bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner and then of course the grand finale- the wedding of our friends Todd and Sarah. We decided to make it a mini vacation and stay downtown at the hotel with our friends since my in-laws were in town to help with Elle.

It flew by quick but I am thankful for the good times we had; Todd and Erich have such a great group of friends from their days at Tufts in Boston and Ted and I formed friendships this weekend and we reconnected after not seeing many of these people since Erich and Carolyn's wedding in Boston a few years ago.

I can't tell you how nice it was to spend time with Carolyn. She's a great friend and someone who listens and makes every effort to understand. I feel a little like I overloaded everything on her while here but she gives such great advice and would agree I continue to be in a challenging situation. I admitted I continue to struggle. While I was so thrilled to have Ted's parents down here to help us with Elle, I continue to find it so difficult. I am heartbroken and want my parents here too. When nothing is said, I shut down. I can't be myself. I will not be the same person I was 2 years ago. I hope people one day understand. I'd do anything for all of this to not have happened. It's amazing to me the impact it has on my every day life even when I am having the most wonderful weekend.....it's always, always, there.

Moments at the strangest time will hit me, almost like an anxiety attack or a quick wave of depression...thoughts will enter my mind of the painful death and loss of my parents and how none of these events, such as a wedding, will my Sister ever experience the same way that I did.

I look around me and see families so proud of their children as they marry and the closeness of them and then I watched the Mother/Son dance and couldn't help but think of my Mother and my own brother. I can't help but feel sad that my parents are gone. It kills me.

I appreciated my friends honesty this weekend and sharing with me how it must be hard knowing that my parents are and will be in mind throughout every decision, experience, milestone of my life. They are always on my mind. But I will say, they continue to help me carry on and live the social life that they did. I laughed and smiled this weekend longer that I have in a while. I am grateful for the people in my life who take the time to listen- try and understand and who offer support and comfort. I hope I can continue to return the friendships....this has been the craziest journey of life that I ever imagined I would ever be on. I continue to crave the presence of my parents in my life and the unconditional love and support that they left behind. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do anymore.....but weekends such as this and coming home to a beautiful smiling daughter, continue to push me along with this aching heart...

All of my love.

a nice weekend

2010-05-23T20:46:00.005-04:00

I had the most vivid dream last night. We were at this bar/restaurant and all my parents friends were there and I saw her. I saw my Mom. She was at a distance and as I started walking toward her, even in my dream, I could feel myself think how she would start to fade away as I knew she really wasn't alive.... but as I got closer and closer it was her. In my dream I seriously felt my stomach have the biggest butterflies when I could finally touch her and give her the biggest longest hug. I was screaming and crying and she was just sitting there wondering what all the fuss was about. And that was it......I woke up and she was gone....she will always be gone......I know my Sister now more then ever needs my Mom and I get so angry. Aydan needs my Mom and Dad -he had his last hockey game of this Season this weekend- I want him to have Grandparents in the stands cheering him on- how will we get through the future milestones? I need them too. My Aunt needs my Mom more then ever right now as well. Praying for that rain cloud to be lifted from some family members in my life any day now.....

This weekend was a great one- drinks with friends Friday night, Elle and I got our alterations done on our dresses for the upcoming wedding (my eyes almost watered as I watched her just stand there so still- she was precious), Elle had a dinner date with her little friend Trey and I had one of the most perfect days in a long time today.......(after, of course, I realized that seeing my Mom was only in my dream)....It started out with Elle waking up at her usual time 6:30 am; Ted grabs a bowl of cheerios and her milk, turns on some cartoons and she sits in bed with us for about 15-20 minutes. We then went downstairs and Ted made banana pancakes and then got ready for one of my favorite Sunday activities; the market in our square of course. I love walking up there.... getting my coffee, standing in the line for bread, buying a croissant and sharing half of it with Elle as she waves to all of the people......and while I often feel guilty about it (my Mom wouldn't have spent the money on this), my house was being cleaned as we came back to the house....so we spent about an hour with Miss Elle outside in a kiddy pool and put her in a bathing suit for the very first time. I think she is going to absolutely love the beach on our upcoming vacations to Florida and Hilton Head.

And after such a great morning my girlfriend and I went to a fantastic pilates class. I've been a runner most of my life but ever since my parents passing and with having Elle, I have let it slip by me until recently and I have to say it felt great to attend a class and to focus on my core strength. I am positive I can gain it back and be in shape again one day but for no other reason then to just be healthy and to reduce stress and some of the sadness in my life. It's got to help I assume....

Weekends like this are great.... we're back home, we get to enjoy our friends here in Cincinnati.....the weather was beautiful....Ted got yard work done outside....our house is finally feeling a little cleaner and more organized (just don't open up our closets visitors) but at the same time there was stress. I'm not going to go into it but I feel terrible for the lack of support my Sister has around her. I don't know what to do anymore. I couldn't raise Elle alone either. She's so young. She deserves a Mom and a Dad, Grandparents around, great friends, a husband, neighbors.....ugh, I wish I could do more to help. And then my brother wants to know when I will talk to him. I just can't yet. There is too much sadness that I think it will make the healing process even worse and set me back even further..........this weekend was great but there will always be moments of, "take a deep breathe".......and then I had to open up my wedding scrapbook......they looked so happy and when I really stare at their faces I still find myself in awe that they're really gone. I know it but yet when you look at pictures, the sadness is overwhelming at times because you sit there and think how they are really gone and that they are missing all of these adventures.....and then you picture their voices and laughter and it kills ya.

Miss you Mommy and Dad. Elle is just getting cuter by the day......I know how much you would enjoy watching her grow....I know how much you loved watching Aydan, especially that first year of his life...I think you videotaped his every move.......that will be special to show him one day.

All my love,

Melissa

stay away biter

2010-05-18T20:59:00.005-04:00

MOM!!!!!!!!!!! My Elle was bitten at school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would have called you to complain then I would feel fine.........I am sure you dealt with Aydan and biting........she's fine.....but she was SO sad the teachers said. She was minding her own business, playing with blocks, and a little boy or girl (they don't tell you who performed the act) came right up and bit her right in the arm. Poor thing was startled and had ice applied for several minutes and cried. I was fine about it.....I just asked some questions as to how they handle biting and basically this is the age( while unacceptable).....Elle will either get bitten or bite in this and or the next classroom. They re-direct the children and obviously if this continued to re-occur, the child would be removed from the school but oh my gosh that is extreme. I am sure this child is not some bully at a mere 12-16 months old. How sad if so. We are not worried as I am certain our "little darling" will clock someone in the head at some point with a toy of some sort. Be nice Elle.....

I have gotten pretty used to having things happen to Elle good or bad and not having Mom to call. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have that person to just call for anything. Moms have a way of making things seem okay even when they are not or they agree right along with you that the situation sucks. I miss that dearly.....I am forgetting what it was like to have a Mother which is heart wrenching to me every day. I try to remember her voice and her smile and her laugh and what she looked like and I close my eyes when I hug Elle and sometimes I pretend it's Mom. I hugged my Mom a lot. I would squeeze her more for a joke but I can just picture me now hugging her in my kitchen. I would try to pick her up. I will miss her and Dad every day until the day I die.... wishing they were here.

I came across this picture today and couldn't but help stare....the women in this picture...me included.... need Mom the most. We're lost without her.....

All my love,